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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH has started smoking?

45 replies

fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 10:25

and I've begged pleaded with him to stop (he's only having 2 or 3 a day Hmm) as DD1(9) has noticed (as they do) and I think it's not being a good role model to his children. Yes I know you smokers will say he's addicted but he isn't. I'm an ex smoker and gave up 16 years ago as DH despised it. He promised me on Sunday he'd stop but I've found a petrol receipt and he bought 10 silk cut yesterday. AIBU? We can't afford it either. So bloody angry.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 11/10/2011 10:27

Has he never been a smoker before?

Why do you think he's started?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 10:28

YABU to be pissed off. What kind of adult starts a smoking habit these days??? Thought only stupid little kids were the ones taking up the habit... Hmm

AmazingBouncingFerret · 11/10/2011 10:36

YANBU. Very strange that an adult would start smoking.. especially in this day and age.

auntierozzi · 11/10/2011 10:41

I have same problem fannybanjo
My DH lost his job at the beginning of the year and these last few months he's getting pretty much more fed up. He has been an occasional smoker over the years but mainly a non-smoker. At the moment he's at home and only smokes a few, always outside. He knows i hate it and our DDs (both 8) make no smoking signs etc..and have hidden his pack of cigs.
I hope he will give up again once things sort themselves out and I'm trying to be understanding and taken the pressure off with no tabacco campaign we have been running..
Is your DH stressing out inside? Like my DH he knows what you think so I would say try to encourage him to talk about what might be worrying him rather than making the smoking the main issue for now.
Good luck. I know how annoying it is.

Original poster
fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 10:56

Thanks all - I thought I wasn't being unreasonable.

rozzi sorry to hear about your DH - my DH similar as business struggling and he is stressed however he has great support from my family and I. I'm just Angry that I've begged and pleaded for the sake of his children to stop and he lasted an evening before buying some. Receipt wasn't hidden, was on our bedroom drawers and I always check before binning so not snooping.

OP posts:
Original poster
fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 10:57

I agree that we need to get to the bottom of what's "making" him smoke but he's a closed book is my DH. Makes it very hard to help him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 11:00

So he's really only just started having been a non-smoker up to nw? He's not a former smoker that has restarted?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 11:02

auntierozzi... you're either a smoker or a non-smoker. An 'occasional smoker' is a smoker. A non-smoker wouldn't pick up a packet of cigarettes no matter how stressed or worried they were....

Original poster
fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 11:09

His sister last September and the stress of that meant he started having the odd one but since then it's escalated and yes, he'd never smoked at all in his life. However it's bot the loss of his sister that's stressing him, it's a few different things.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 11:13

That's truly bizarre. Of all the things an adult is going to suddenly start doing for the first time when stressed, smoking has got to be the most peculiar. If the cost is worrying you, especially, could you restrict his access to money?

Original poster
fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 11:17

Should have said " his sister died"

OP posts:
WhereTheWildThingsWere · 11/10/2011 11:17

I honestly couldn't live with dp if he started smoking again, I have told him this and I'm sure he thinks I'm joking, I'm not.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 11:20

Cigarettes don't relieve stress, they cause it. I will never understand sane adults who take up smoking as a response to stress. It's a placebo, and a dangerous one. Buy him a copy of Allen Carr's book to help him understand the psychology of smoking.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/10/2011 11:23

Cogito - that's a ridiculous suggestion. He isn't a child, she can't restrict his spending money - that's financial abuse, not to mention that I expect he probably earns a good part of that money so also illegal and impossible.

Smoking is a huge con trick but it's a very effective one. Anyone can stop painlessly and quickly if they understand how they have been conned but nobody can force someone to stop. Plenty of women are forced to stop by their offspring and start again because they believe the con (me included) - but as soon as the scales fall, stopping is the easiest thing in the world.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 11:27

Not a ridiculous suggestion at all... If the family's on a budget and one member is wasting money then, if they can't be trusted to act more responsibly, restricting how much they have in their pocket is one solution. So what if they are the one earning it? Does that make it OK to blow it on self-indulgent crap? Financial abuse, my arse.

squeakytoy · 11/10/2011 11:30

He is an adult, and is choosing to have an occasional cigarette, outside.. his choice.

I can think of a lot worse things than the odd cig.

PetiteRaleuse · 11/10/2011 11:32

There are worse things he could do, and a couple of fags a day probably won't do him much long term damage but I am surprised at anyone taking up smoking as an adult with all the inforation and limits there are now. Is he hanging round a lot with smokers all of a sudden?

ivykaty44 · 11/10/2011 11:34

how odd to turn to smoking? Most adults seem to turn to drinking instead when things are stressful.

Could he try something else to replace the smoking?

lashingsofbingeinghere · 11/10/2011 11:35

I agree with NNM - smoking is a con trick perpetrated by the tobacco industry, and simplistic ideas about nicotine "relieving stress".

Op, time to educate your husband. He may not feel he has a problem with smoking yet as he sounds like he is still only on a few a day. Which is how everyone starts becoming a smoker...

The Alan Carr book and open his eyes. Maybe don't stress him "stopping" the smoking (don't say "giving up"- it sounds like he is going without something) just say, "read this before you decide what you want to do about your smoking".
In the end, the only person in control of this is him. Tell him whatever he decides (again, make it his choice) he needs to understand what smoking is/means and how it works as a habit.

Original poster
fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 11:38

squeaky fair enough but I'm afraid I'm not the type of person who wants my children to have an important role model in their life smoking as it says that smoking is ok and it's not. No long term damage... Of course there is damage from smoking 150 cigarettes a year. I'd rather he smoked none. It's not about being controlling - it's about wanting to nip a bad habit in the bud before it could become a deadly habit.

OP posts:
lashingsofbingeinghere · 11/10/2011 11:38

God, i sem to be typing Manglish today - ENM, I meant; and The Alan Carr book can open his eyes.

ArtVandelay · 11/10/2011 11:39

YANBU

But what on earth is he getting out of it? Silkcut taste like fresh air and if he's never been a smoker then surely he won't get that 'aah' feeling which is built up over long association with lighting up at times of stress. (Its based on feelings of reward).

Part of me thinks 'well, its better than smoking cannabis or drinking' but I do think he's being VU and also kidding himself.

squeakytoy · 11/10/2011 11:43

Smoking is not illegal.

Your children will not smoke because they see an adult smoking, but as they get older they may or may not try smoking, simply because that is what most teens do, regardless of if any adult in their life is a smoker.

I assume neither of you ever drink alcohol in front of your childen, or eat anything with fat in it, use aerosols, or have chemicals in your house such as air fresheners, go to bbqs, and all the other things in life that can be harmful to your health.

It is reasonable to say to him, dont come near me when you have been smoking because I dont like the smell of it on you, but if he wants to have a cigarette, as an adult that is his choice.

Original poster
fannybanjo · 11/10/2011 11:50

squeaky comparing smoking to having a BBQ GrinHmm. Sorry but children do copy their adults, some don't. I'd educate my children not to smoke but can't stop them however DH knows that I'll lose all respect for him if he carries on and I'm not sure whether having a couple of cigs a day is worth that. We'll see.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 11/10/2011 11:56

The smoke from a bbq has carcinogens in it. I am not joking. There is more chance of your children inhaling that smoke than there is from his cigarettes.

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