to be pissed off that DH has started smoking?

[fannybanjo]

and I've begged pleaded with him to stop (he's only having 2 or 3 a day ) as DD1(9) has noticed (as they do) and I think it's not being a good role model to his children. Yes I know you smokers will say he's addicted but he isn't. I'm an ex smoker and gave up 16 years ago as DH despised it. He promised me on Sunday he'd stop but I've found a petrol receipt and he bought 10 silk cut yesterday. AIBU? We can't afford it either. So bloody angry.

We don't have bbqs. I'm not concerned about children inhaling DH's second hand smoke as he doesn't smoke near them or in the house. I'm concerned for his own health and the impression it gives our three daughters. My mum socially smoked and I used to pinch one age 12 from her "stash" and that set me up smoking for 10 years so I know first hand how smoking affects a child's perception of it. How anyone can argue that smoking is "okay" is beyond me.

Siblings and parents are role models for children. If a child?s parents smoke they are three times more likely to smoke themselves.

He may only be smoking 2-3 a day now but I bet in a few months he will be upto 20 a day!!!

YANBU - I dont understand why in this day and age any sensible adult would take up smoking. I watched my non smoker mum die from lung cancer....my chain smoking grandad had chronic emphysema........both horrid horrid ways to go!!

Agree with other posters who say you need to get to the bottom of why he is smoking!

What would you rather eh? Drugs? A cocaine habit that costs £200 a week, a drinking habit that costs £25 to £50 a night?

Get some perspective it's a packet of 10 fags - £3.00 which probably lasts him two days.

It's his life too.

I hate this shit about kids, he isn't smoking in doors is he?

I'd say that an adult would be more sensible to take up smoking than drinking.

Drinking is far worse causes violence amongst other things.

I'd much rather be tea total which I am and smoke. And I'd rather be with a smoker than a regular drinker.

Drink is evil.

All this anti-smoking bollocks bakes my noodles when the majority of you probably sit there every night supping your wine thinking it's okay it's only a bottle.

What about real idiots like me who drink and smoke, there's no hope is there?!

Seriously, I am in a similar position to the OP's DH in that I have recently started smoking again. I was a fairly heavy smoker when I was younger, that dropped down to social smoking then virtually never smoking at all when I met DH and had kids, but recently I've started having the odd one during the day and a few more if I go out (which isn't often).

I justify it by saying it's only a couple but I know it's not ideal and the lengths I have to go to to hide my smoking from my family are just plain ridiculous. So why do I do it? I've been very stressed with work lately and working extremely long hours, so that's part of it, but there's also a bit of me that does it just because I can - DH is very anti so it's a bit of a 'I'm a grown up and nobody is telling me what to do' thing - although I appreciate even thinking that doesn't really back up the fact that I am a grown up

Just another POV to show it's not as clear cut as 'why would any sane adult take up such a filthy and destructive habit?'

Fabby you are a fairly typical defensive smoker. Do what you like with your own lungs, I really don't give a shit - but it's a fact that children of smokers are more likely to smoke themselves. That was one thing that motivated me to stop. I do not want my son growing up thinking smoking is normal. (Of course I'm buggered there as H smokes with no wish to stop, but hey)
There is no need to rely on any substances to deal with stress. They are all dangerous placebos (maybe apart from Heroin which genuinely does make you forget your worries...but replaces them with much more serious ones...) I myself have spent the last 10 months working on living without any artificial stress reliever including alcohol, so no, I'm not being hypocritical. I used to be dependent on cigarettes and alcohol. I am no longer. I feel very free.

Lol hysterical nutjob smokers pretending science doesn't apply to their reality. Get a grip? If it wasn't a manky addiction, why would you be so psycho about defending it? Smelly buggers.

OP... Sorry, but your post saying that "DH knows I'll lose all respect for him if he carries on smoking...", is really an ultimatum to your DH at a time when it sounds like he really doesn't need this, he needs support. I understand that you're angry that he's smoking again but he can stop - try to be supportive, re-emphasise that you, as a family, can't afford it. Ask him why he's smoking again and what you can do to help, if anything? It may be that there's nothing that you can do, that he needs to stop himself within certain timeframe but at least it will sound more like you're on his side as a family and not that it's YOU as the arbiter who will decide what happens within your relationship and with the children's relationship with their father. If you carry on with that attitude, you may find that your life will drastically change whilst you adjust as a single parent.

Your children may or may not start smoking, the only difference I can see with a smoker-parent is that the children get the message they can smoke at home and be less covert. Children have smoked since forever.

I'm an ex-smoker, quit 5 years. I have no problem with other people smoking if they want to. If my husband were to start smoking again, I'd be sorry about it but he'd still be my husband.

Fabby I stated in my earlier post that as a child of an occasional smoker it led me to start myself. My DH knows this and still continued to smoke occasionally, even after DD1 saw him and was quite upset about it as it was a huge shock to her. That alone would be enough to stop me in my tracks if I was foolish enough to start smoking as a grown adult. The argument about drinking vs smoking isn't relative whatsoever, it sounds like you're justifying your own smoking. I'm not having a go at all smokers however I expect my DH as a father to put his children first and by starting to smoke, he isn't. He's putting his health at risk, wasting money and his children don't like it.

Lying believe me, I am an extremely supportive wife, my DH has made mistakes which have contributed to his stress - when I say losing respect for him I mean that I have no respect for ANYONE who goes down the self pity route and starts smoking etc. I know it's easier said than done but you can't wallow in self pity with three children and think poor me. He should learn from his Mistakes and make the best of it. I have no respect for anyone who wallows in self pity - depression however is an entirely different thing and DH isn't depressed. He's feeling sorry for himself. I have to pander hugely to keep our lives "normal". . I don't need to worry about someone acting like a teenager when he's 40. I have it hard enough with 3 daughters!

Well i think its all bollox about if parents smoke then the children will too.

Yes i smoke, My mum smokes.But my sister...oh no different story from her, she has never smoked in her life, wont try, would never try. So thats bollox.

Also there is nothing worse then ex-smokers, going on about how disgusting smoking is and how bad it is for you yadda yadda yadda!

Its his life, its a £3 pack of cigs.

My friend's dad hid it from her until she was 22. If you're only worried about DD then tell him to be more discreet.

I've never heard of anyone over the age of 15 start smoking for the first time. It's slightly bizarre...

YANBU Then again I'd never date a smoker, not even an occasional/social smoker.

£3 can quickly add up.

Lisa. No-one is saying ALL children copy their parents but a large percentage do. I don't need to justify why I don't want my DH to smoke however I disagree that there's nothing worse than an ex-smoker moaning about smokers.... Worse is a grown adult who's fully aware of the damage smoking can do, starting to smoke. I assume you weren't 39 when you started? I don't have any problem whatsoever with smoking - I just don't want my DH to start a bad habit (for his own health) likewise I wouldn't want him to start drinking or taking drugs. Surely that's not being unreasonable!?

I never would have and never did date smokers but now I am married to one. He was a very occasional smoker - smoking someone else's at a dinner party or in a pub - but he is now a recovering alcoholic and a fairly heavy smoker. I hate and loathe him smoking but would rather he smoked than drank. It is a fact that many (maybe even the majority) of AA members smoke. It is just silly to say that no-one starts smoking over the age of 15. Most people wouldn't start smoking until they are in 6th form or at uni. Sadly there are a huge number of students who smoke. Our elder DS and most of his mates do. Your DH is an adult and it is up to him what he does. Emotional blackmail will never work. He has to want to stop.

mother sorry to hear about your DH's problems - my SIL (DH's sister) died aged 42 from alcoholism so I know how awful it is. You are dead right, I can't emotionally blackmail him but truth be known, I'm very worried for his long term health and this is something which will add to me worrying - he hasn't the capacity to cope with any stress whatsoever and I want to keep him as healthy as possible. We've just had a chat and he realises how upset it's making me and is determined to stop. If he "can't" then I'll look into Nicorette etc. I'm afraid I'm at the end of my tether with certain issues and this is probably the top hat.

I'm struggling to understand how someone would lose respect for a partner that starts smoking, tbh.

He's an adult and its up to him whether he smokes or not, surely

I used to smoke, so did my mum, my sister never did. My DD doesn't. Sisters DC's never have although their father used to. Most of the smoking teens I know have parent's who are anti smoking. I really think this research that children are more likely to smoke if role models do is just another stick to beat smokers with.

Cancer Research UK states that children of smokers are three times more likely to smoke.

I'd like to think that their research/sources are reliable! I think the OP's concerns are valid.

Well Adam you're not me so unless you feel as strongly as I do about health and wellbeing then you wouldn't understand. It's EXTREMELY important to me that my children are brought up in a life which doesn't have excessive drinking, drugs, alcohol, we eat well, exercise etc. If that deserves an because it sounds like I'm a bitch for daring to lose respect for my DH because age 39 he decides to take up an expensive and deadly habit then so be it. I know the majority of non-snokers would be pissed if their partner did the same (maybe a smoker wouldn't). My DH can smoke til the cows come home but he won't have my support.