To try not to let my DB's lack of interest in my new DD upset me

[LittleWaveyLines]

We've never been a close family - don't really know my cousins or aunts etc as my parents never really "did" family, so it was just me, DPs and DB. DF died a few years ago.
I was hoping that the birth of my DD might help things, but my DB is totally disinterested. No card, phone call, nothing. I rang him last week to say if he wanted to meet his niece I was willing to go to him, or we have a spare room, whenever he wanted. He said that he was too busy this side of Christmas, maybe next year...
She's now about 4 months, and he's pretty much my only family. I shouldn't get upset as he always "forgets" to post birthday cards etc, but I thought/hoped this might be different.
So AIBU to be upset by this?

My dad's db and his wife are like this - fiver in a card at christmas and bvirthday (they live nearby so it would have been really obvious!) But I don't think we had a proper coinversation til I was 13 or so and started keeping up with the adult conversations and demonstrating intelligent opinions We went through a phase of arguing - uncle and I are both into discussion, I like to challenge his daily mail tendencies - and have gotten on really well since I was about 16.

They really aren't "kid" people, and have none of their own. I think they may have realised that I'll be choosing the care home eventually

"Bunbaker - "I think it is a man thing - they just aren't interested in children." sweeping generalisation I think!

Doesn't describe the men in my children's lives."

I did say "in my experience" and it does describe the men in DD's life, other than her dad of course.

The only man that I knew who was genuinely interested in my daughter and was overjoyed when I announced my pregnancy was my late uncle. All the men I know just aren't interested in other people's children. I know OH is an extreme case because he is totally uninterested in anyone other than his immediate family.

Even my sister isn't that interested in DD, and I admit that I felt a little cheated because I used to lavish attention on her children when they were small. I don't now because we live too far away and they are teenagers and not interested in their aged auntie.

I cant understand why anyone expects someone else to be interested in their child. I certainly never expected people to bill and coo over mine. Mind you, I don't bill and coo over other peoples either.

I haven't heard the phrase "chuffed to buggery" in years, made me smile that did!

My brother has seen my two once (eldest is 8), we were crossing the road and passed, he said hi and kept walking. Some people, even family just are not interested.

I wasn't hurt by it, it is typical behaviour for my brother, but that's not to say you're unreasonable to feel spurned. Just don't expect that it will magically come right for you. It might, which would be wonderful, but it's not guaranteed.

Of course YANBU to be upset over this.

My XPs family is like this. Despite being separated for more than 4 years, whenever I see them I always encourage his mother and sister to come round to visit DCs (and have taken them there before now), have sent photos, etc. They have never remembered any birthdays or Christmases. It explains why DP is so uninterested I suppose. It hurts because I so desperately wanted my DC to have an interested engaged family on account of my own being so dreadfully thin on the ground now.

Sadly, the only thing you can do is learn to live with it. You can't make him develop an interest unfortunately. Ultimately, he's missing out far more than you or your DD. Try to make the most of the family/friends who are interested. The saying "blood is thicker than water" is a load of old tosh IMO. I much prefer "friends are the family we choose for ourselves".

There is not being actively involved (e.g. only seeing children in the family on high days and holidays) and then being totally uninterested. I don't particularly like babies but I would make a point of at least acknowledging my sister's child with a card or phonecall. The OP's brother couldn't even be bothered to do that. That's just rude!

Would it help if you spelled it out to him that you are unhappy with this. (Sorry if this has been covered by other responses which i have not read.) I think that quite often men need things spelled out to them. Obviously this doesn't excuse it. He is being very unfair, and some men don't need things spelled out. But many do IMO.

YA soooo NBU

Agree with others there's nothing more you can do. I like the oil tanker metaphor and that might well be true - hope so.

Totally don't agree that most men aren't interested in kids! Some aren't (my FIL) but many/most are. My DB, DH and close male friends are all nuts about their own and each other's dc.

I find this thread very sad. The OP is sad about her brother showing little interest not some random friend. So I would expect siblings to show some pretence at some cooing and interest even if they are not that into babies. It is about family connections. Why do some of us have more than one child ourselves if not to hopefully encourage a long-lasting family connection between siblings?

To just shrug off a brother's distant relationship makes me want to cry (obviously as I have issues myself in that area). I love my brother and I just want a relationship with him as I suspect the OP does too. So my advice is not to just shrug it off as time and distance can do irreparable harm to family relationships. Try and persuade him to come round if just to have a catch up with you and maybe talk to each other openly, which I admit is very hard to do with brothers. I am not ready to give up on my brother yet and I pray my children are close as adults.The sibling relationship is such an important one.

My brother is exactly the same. We were very close as children but started living vastly different lives in different countries, and I gave up sending him a birthday card years ago as I couldn't see the point when he never bothered.

I'm sure my dc (and possibly me) never ever enter his mind unless they're stood in front of him. I think I got a text when each of them were born, but since then in 5 years he has bought one present for ds when he was visiting with his then girlfriend (I rather suspect she might have had more to do with it than him). No cards.

Having said that, he is quite hands on when he's actually here (very rare - for numerous reasons we can't visit him and he only comes here when he's nearby for work, not really to visit us). Ds in particular thinks he's wonderful and he is very good at playing with him. It doesn't really bother me because I don't think he's thinking "I won't send Liege's ds a card because he annoys me and I have no interest in children", rather, he just isn't thinking of him at all, which generally applies to anyone who isn't in the room with him at the time.

YANBU at all!!!

Send him a txt saying something like "You're my closest family and it's really hurting that you can't even share my joy in this incredible experience!!!! I don't want X growing up not knowing her Uncle like we don't know our extended family. Please meet my niece and be an active part of my family!!"

sorry been out this evening,it hurts they are my family and all i have left both my parents have died so no close family but they never make the effort so icant be bothered anymore,its always me doing the running & phoning,i still dont know why my bro cut us off prob never will,hurts more he has cut the kids out but when my eldest was born neither off them came to the hospital,he was 4 weeks when older db came over and nearly 4 months and that was because i went to him with other bro.

Thanks for all the responses, it is very sad that others have also had the same thing. To those who said men aren't interested in babies - it not that I want him to bill and coo over her, just acknowledge that a major change has happened in MY life, and greet a new member of the family. A text would have done.
Anyway, I'm not returning to this thread now as I find it too upsetting - hormones probably!

"he just isn't thinking of him at all, which generally applies to anyone who isn't in the room with him at the time."

That more or less describes my husband. For him it is out of sight and out of mind. Although, he still isn't interested in other people's children - it is just the way he is made. (The rest of his family are not like hime though - MIL and SIL are lovely and really interested in DD).

My parents weren't interested in the extended family at all when I was growing up. I was very close with my DB growing up, but as an adult he has shown zero interest in me and my family. I understand you being upset about it, but if he is like this now he is unlikely to change.

I do wonder sometimes if he is following my parents role model as it were with family - especially as he seems to have followed their lead on how they lived other aspects of their life.