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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try not to let my DB's lack of interest in my new DD upset me

40 replies

LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 16:31

We've never been a close family - don't really know my cousins or aunts etc as my parents never really "did" family, so it was just me, DPs and DB. DF died a few years ago.
I was hoping that the birth of my DD might help things, but my DB is totally disinterested. No card, phone call, nothing. I rang him last week to say if he wanted to meet his niece I was willing to go to him, or we have a spare room, whenever he wanted. He said that he was too busy this side of Christmas, maybe next year...
She's now about 4 months, and he's pretty much my only family. I shouldn't get upset as he always "forgets" to post birthday cards etc, but I thought/hoped this might be different.
So AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 16:34

You're not unreasonable to be a bit upset about it, OP, but that's how it is sometimes. Nobody is ever going to be as interested in your DC as you are. If you can come to terms with that, it will save you very much anguish in future.

Did your mother make the appropriate grandmother 'noises' at least?

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 16:37

Yes DM made the right noises and has bought some stuff, but we're not close, and she's disabled so I'm not expecting her to take on a proper grandmotherly role. I always used to be close to my brother growing up...

OP posts:
Ephiny · 10/10/2011 16:40

YANBU to feel upset, but I agree you just have accept that this is how it is. Some people are not particularly interested in babies (or actively dislike them), and unfortunately if he isn't interested in seeing his sister, it's unlikely he'd have much more interest in his niece who is less of a close relative than you.

Your family sounds like mine really, I have two brothers but we don't really have much to do with each other now we're grown up. It's been a long time since I saw or spoke to either of them actually, just not something any of us ever think to do. This is fine with me, but I know some people would want more of a close relationship...you can't force that if he doesn't want it though.

CMOTdibbler · 10/10/2011 16:43

yanbu to be upset, but theres nothing you can do about it. db didn't acknowledge ds's birth at all, and didn't see him till we happened to be at our parents at the time 7 months later. But babies aren't very exciting tbh, so the urge to see them isn't strong.

My family aren't close either, so no aunts or cousins on the scene for me either

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 16:44

OK so IANBU to be upset, but IABU to expect more! Grin.

Might blame my hormones and try to mentally shrug it off then. Just feel realy hurt and "adrift" IYSWIM

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 16:50

Are you missing your dad, OP? Might he have been thrilled with his new grandchild?

I also agree with CMOTdibbler, babies really aren't very interesting to me either. I think only baby-mad people and the parents of the babies truly melt when they see them. I prefer older children, when they start being interested in things.

Just wait and see when you little one can speak and she goes up to her uncle... I expect he'll melt like a brie in a furnace then. Grin

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 16:54

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I just burst into floods of tears when I read your post (yes really have tears streaming now) - yes I suppose I am missing my dad and hadn't realised it! Hadn't even thought about it! He would have been chuffed to buggery with a DGD.... Smile

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 17:00

Aww LittleWaveyLines, I'm so sorry. :(
I really do believe that he knows about her and he's 'chuffed to buggery' about her and about YOU. :)

Give your brother time, they move very slowly sometimes, like oil-tankers, but they generally come through in the end...

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 17:06

Ha! like the oil tankers analogy....

Thank you

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 17:07

I have three of them, LittleWavey, it's more like 'Battleship'... Grin

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 17:08
Grin
OP posts:
DandyLioness · 10/10/2011 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 17:16

What about your DP's family, LittleWavey, are they nearby? Keen to be involved in DD's life?

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 17:29

DandyLioness hmmm a possibility, but unlikely - he was the one who moved away and reduced contact over the years...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe DP's parents are fairly keen yes, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with it given my own family's lack of interest - sets up a contrast... I get on quite well with his DF though so that's good.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 10/10/2011 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ddubsgirl · 10/10/2011 17:39

sounds like my family my eldest bro prob couldnt even tell you his nephews names let alone ages and my other bro cut us off last year and its been nearly 2 years since we have seen him.

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 10/10/2011 17:41

ddubsgirl Sorry to hear that - do you just shrug it off?

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 10/10/2011 17:44

"You're not unreasonable to be a bit upset about it, OP, but that's how it is sometimes"

I agree. Most men I know aren't the slightest bit interested in other people's children. OH certainly isn't, and he is close to his sister, but shows no interest in his nephews and niece. OH's dad was the same. He loved his children, but couldn't care less about anyone else's. I think it is a man thing - they just aren't interested in children. From my experience it is an extremely unusual man who is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 17:46

LittleWavey... If I were in your position, I'd make strong relationships and family ties wherever I could, it will all benefit your DD. Don't feel guilty that your own family are a little weak in that area, enjoy the support of DP's family and be as close as you want to be, none of that will detract from what you have with your own family.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 10/10/2011 17:47

I think it's less about your DB being interested in your baby, and more about his lack of interest in your baby saying a lot about how he regards his relationship with you.

Of course other people aren't going to be as interested in your baby as you are, but you would expect your brother to make an effort for your benefit, because he cares about you.

YANBU at all. I have a difficult relationship with my mother and although I know exactly what to expect from her, she still leaves me feeling distraught by her actions.

All you can do is make sure that you, DP and your baby become the family you want you to be. Can you make contact with any extended family that your parents didn't make the effort with? What is your family's relationship with DP's family like?

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 10/10/2011 17:51

Bunbaker - "I think it is a man thing - they just aren't interested in children." sweeping generalisation I think!

Doesn't describe the men in my children's lives.

Andrewofgg · 10/10/2011 18:06

Bunbaker My DW's brothers' children adored me and vice versa. And they are very close to my (adult) DS whom they treat as almost a brother. I saw less of my DSis's children because of distance but we are close. Dreadful generalisation.

OP The loss is his and don't upset yourself.

tallulah · 10/10/2011 18:22

Sounds like my DB and SIL. They are not into children at all and less than interested in DD. They first met her when she was 3 and I can count the number of times they've met her on the fingers of one hand. I was quite Shock when she got a xmas present from them last year.

YANBU at all to be upset but there isn't much you can do.

tallulah · 10/10/2011 18:23

oh and I meant to say I was always very Envy at work listening to my male colleagues raving about their nieces and nephews, so I don't think it's actually "normal" to be uninterested, especially if they have no children of their own.

WiiUndead · 10/10/2011 18:33

YANBU to be a little upset about this OP, but as Andrew said, it is his loss, your DD will be happy regardless. FWIW, SIL has seen DS once since he was born, for an hour, he's 4m & she lives no more than an hour away. It will be her loss when DS doesn't have a clue who she is. Have some Thanks

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