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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

While smiling sweetly, thinking in my head "fuck the fuck off"

75 replies

gigglepin · 10/10/2011 15:04

Asked in the play ground "did you not want any more kids then?" by a mum of 2.

2 weeks after suffering my 6th mc. I have an 8 year old.

I just smiled sweetly and said " happy with what we have, cant have any more".

tbh been dreading this kind of comment, but it is inevitable really when you have an only.
Sad

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 10/10/2011 16:52

So can we agree that its ok for the OP or anyone else put in this position to feel upset?

In their heads?

Is that ok?

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 16:52

ah gigglepin, dont feel bad. in my head the other day at work I told my elderly boss to fuck off and called her a pruney twat. it was in my head though, and she had told me that I put the squash in wrong.

pictish · 10/10/2011 16:53

That is totally ok, yes.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 10/10/2011 16:56

So OP
YANBU.

At all.

squeakytoy · 10/10/2011 16:56

I dont mind people asking me "do you have children".. and I dont mind friends quietly asking me if there is a reason why me and my husband havent had children (he has 3 from a previous relationship)... but I do get fucking pissed off with twats who say loudly in front of us both "it would be great if you two had a kid"... Hmm

loveglove · 10/10/2011 16:58

Lissie "oooh, but its not fair to just have one parent, arent you worried that the other will get lonely?"

I have had that actually. I responded honestly that yes, I did worry about my dad being alone at such a young age. Thankfully he met a lovely woman and married her. Only downside is they are in the back arse end of scotland which is millions of miles away from me :(

loveglove · 10/10/2011 16:58

And of course the OP isn't U to want to tell them to fuck the fuck off.

HappyFinnish · 10/10/2011 17:00

Of course you were thinking 'fuck the fuck off'. I would have been too. I'm sorry to say I've also blurted out comments and come away thinking 'fuck the fuck off' to myself.

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 17:01

Sad it must be very hard to lose a parent. my bf's mum has cervical cancer for the second time and has been very ill, its scared the beejesus out of all of us.

I think the problem is, that unless you are fertilitity-challenged (my new term for having a shitty womb or whatever) you assume that its easy. we spend years trying not to get pregnant and for many people, it happens within a year. that is their frame of reference.

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 17:05

I'm 100% with DontGoCurly on this one - and sympathetic, OP :(

Until recently (I now look menopausal!), nary a month went by without somebody asking me "why I decided against children", didn't "want" children and/or "Why haven't you got children?"

I used to tactfully beat about the bush, then I thought - hang on, they're the ones asking rude, intrusive and disrespectful questions! So I started saying, qite flatly, "I DID WANT CHILDREN BUT, AFTER A STRING OF UPSETTING MISCARRIAGES, FOUND OUT I CAN'T HAVE THEM." ... and then watched as they processed what they'd just done with their fucking mindless assumptions.

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 17:07

... oh, yeah, and one person actually asked me this while I was having a miscarriage.
No, she couldn't have known. But she shouldn't have asked. Imagine how I felt!

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 17:09

I once had someone ask me while I was mc-ing how I had got pg in the first place, because it was taking 6 months. and yes, she knew.

bitch.

nailak · 10/10/2011 17:10

maybe the women herself was having difficulty in conceiving a 3rd, and was asking a question which would provide an opening for her to be able to talk about it?

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 17:13

Oh, Lissie.
She really was, wasn't she?!

vixsatis · 10/10/2011 17:16

Much sympathy- we had one by IVF then 9 more attempts for a second, a miscarriage and an ectopic. When people asked this sort of stupid insensitive intrusive question (i'm old enough for them to have stopped now) I always wanted to say: "Is it my sex life or my medical history which you would like to know about"; but I never did because I always felt like crying.

Why is it not generally acknowledged that asking about reproductive intentions is incredibly ill-mannered!

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2011 17:35

I've got a 5 year gap between my 1st two, and a six year gap between 2 and 3. (recurrent miscarriages). If I had a pound for every time I've had that exact conversation... Sad. The thing is, most of the really hurtful remarks were actually just people making throwaway conversation, they would most likely have been mortified if they'd realised. Not sure what the answer is really, sorry you're still going through this.

porcamiseria · 10/10/2011 17:35

IKd have just said "wed love one but just had my fifth MC"

ah fuck knows, I dont think people mean it maliciously, sometimes I just think feck it and tell them

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 10/10/2011 17:44

yanbu to be upset, she almost certainly was just trying to be friendly but i know that doesnt make it any easier. I have 4 children and people always say things like "you are so lucky to get pregnant so easily" "its like shelling peas isnt it". Which is upsetting as i have actually been pregnant 10 times to get those 4 (plus one in womb currently) children.

scarletfingernail · 10/10/2011 17:44

I remember asking this question to people before I had my DS followed by 2 MCs and luckily didn't ever get told to fuck off. It was pure lack of thought on my part. I'd have been embarrassed and ashamed if anyone told me they'd experienced MCs or fertility problems.

Now I know how it feels it is not something I would ask anyone. When strangers ask me if I'd like any more I usually just respond "yes I would...." Most people leave it at that but the ones that do press it usually get told the truth just to put an end to the conversation.

The assistant in the hairdressers who was rinsing my colour off last week overheard me discussing my MCs with my hairdresser and the fact that I'm now pregnant again (11 weeks, got everything crossed). The assistant said "aww I bet you're hoping for a girl this time". Shock and Angry I said "er no, a baby that's alive and well is the only thing I'm hoping for" I really did want to tell her to fuck off.

Sorry for your losses OP and for all the others that have been shared on this thread.

sfxmum · 10/10/2011 17:46

I get that sometimes OP sometimes I react better than others, but obviously straight after a miscarriage is particularly hurtful and probably justification for inflicting serious injury

Fixture · 10/10/2011 18:01

YANBU, and I am sorry to hear about your MCs.

I don't agree it's just "chit-chat", I think it's thoughtless to ask people whether they'd like more children (or any children). 1 in 7 couples experience fertility problems and so you'd only have to ask a few people to upset someone - it's not worth it.

If people want to raise the subject themselves, they will.

Catslikehats · 10/10/2011 18:04

Of course you are not being unreasonable to think "fuck off" and I am sorry for your losses.

I think it is very rare for anyone to intend to cause hurt with these sorts of questions and so I am fairly forgiving of anyone who makes an inappropriate blunder. I certainly don't think they're cunts Hmm

Personally I find it cathartic to talk about the loss of my stillborn son so almost welcome the "gosh you have a big gap between DS1 and DD2 don't you?" type questions.

This week is baby loss week and I think is enormously important that miscarriage and stillbirth are talked about openly and with compassion, it only has to be private if you want it to be.

KnockKnockWhosThereIDidAp · 10/10/2011 19:06

YANBU. I haven't experienced infertility (yet) but the question that made me wince when I was pregnant was, 'Is this your first?'

What do you say to that? Yes to make them feel better? No because it's the truth and you don't want to deny your first baby existed?

The worst is when midwives ask it. It's like, read my notes which you have in front of you before breezily asking if this is my first!

HardCheese · 10/10/2011 19:22

YANBU, OP - sympathy for your losses. And for what it's worth, I agree with those who think that these questions aren't 'harmless'. I'm not interested in whether they are asked with malicious intent - obviously they aren't, the vast majority of the time - but in their effect on the person who's suffered the loss/miscarriage/fertility problems. People making small talk should be alert the possibility that not everything is hunky-dory with the total stranger they're talking to, and restrict themselves to the weather if they can't chat in the playground without poking their noses into the issue of children/lack of children/age gaps etc. It's thoughtless and intrusive, and the worst thing is that, as demonstrated by this thread, that the bereaved or infertile person being asked generally feels under pressure to cover up her own pain to not make the questioner feel bad!

Dozer · 10/10/2011 19:31

Hear hear hard cheese and others. People should be more considerate.

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