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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

While smiling sweetly, thinking in my head "fuck the fuck off"

75 replies

gigglepin · 10/10/2011 15:04

Asked in the play ground "did you not want any more kids then?" by a mum of 2.

2 weeks after suffering my 6th mc. I have an 8 year old.

I just smiled sweetly and said " happy with what we have, cant have any more".

tbh been dreading this kind of comment, but it is inevitable really when you have an only.
Sad

OP posts:
BettyCash · 10/10/2011 15:41

Too bad at moments like this you can't say, "Actually I've just had a miscarriage, thanks", and stand stony-faced while jaws hit the floor and people scrabble for the words to apologise.

bonkers20 · 10/10/2011 15:42

I'm sorry about your MCs OP.

I lie somewhere between "it's idle chit chat" and "they're a cunt" opinion.

We have a 10 year gap between #1 and #2. My friends knew our circumstances and I was fine to talk about it. Those that didn't know I did think rather rude or intrusive in asking. Not people you just come across, like the dentist or someone, I'd just put that down to being thoughless, but people I would see regularly ie at school, but didn't really know...well I thought that was rude and intrusive and it would make me feel uncomfortable. There's really no reason to ask such personal questions.
These days people know that plenty of people have fertility problems and should think before opening their mouths.

HMTheQueen · 10/10/2011 15:52

Random people ask me the same thing. These are the people who don't know that DH died when DS was 7 months old. When I say that I am a widow, that shuts them up pretty quick. They assume that because I have a 3yo DS, another one will follow soon.

I like to think that they won't ask the same question of someone else, without thinking of the consequences.

ClevelandAnnie · 10/10/2011 16:05

Sorry for your losses gigglepin.

YANBU I hate this. I have had fertility treatment, mcs, the works. I don't want to make chitchat about it all.

My standard response is to look vague and say 'That's just how it worked out' and wander off.

TandB · 10/10/2011 16:10

Poor you.

This is exactly the reason why I never, ever ask this sort of question. I would be terrified that I would be putting my foot right in it and causing upset.

To be honest, I don't really get why any question about your reproductive experiences are acceptable from anyone other than your closest friends and family. It is like some random person asking if you are trying for another. "Yes, thank you, complete stranger on the bus, DP and I are having regular intercourse without contraception." Or if a pregnancy was planned. "No, lady in cafe, DP and I just couldn't keep our hands off each other, had mad, passionate sex on the sofa".

Moominsarescary · 10/10/2011 16:10

Someone asked me 2 days after I'd given birth to our stillborn son at 20 weeks, we hadn't told alot of people I was pg though and I had just started looking pregnant again so she was probably trying to find out of I was pregnant without asking out right

I didn't tell her, I didn't see the point in making her feel crappy about it

Mumshouse43 · 10/10/2011 16:17

I'm also dreading this too my DD is only 2, we lost my husband very recently to cancer in Dec 10'. Sadly I did wait awhile before having her (as I was scared out of my wits by child-birth), but after having her - I said to my DH that I wanted a whole squad of little ones (he laughed at this), but very sadlytragically we were given the most awful news when DD was 7.5 months old that it was terminal! I'm so sad that I won't be able to have anymore little ones - but immensely blessed that I have my DD! I'm sure I'll get these kind of comments when DD goes to school. You have my sympathies gigglepin. xx

WoeIsMeAgain · 10/10/2011 16:19

It never fails to amaze me how thoughtless, nosy, inappropriate and invasive people can be. And they do it so casually!

should we all walk on eggshells, never lifting our eyes or speaking a word in case we offend someone?

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 10/10/2011 16:20

I am careful but I do love to talk about babies too. I would hate to think I have upset anyone but thinking about it - I probably dont ask the question that much. Probably due to my experiences and reading about other's on MNs.

I would be prepared for the mc or child loss answer though. I wouldnt run away because its something I am 'used' to.

But then the person i was asking would know that would they?

I am so sorry for everyone on this thread who have suffered such awful losses.

I cannot imagine the pain of so many MC. I have only had one and that was an early one and it was many years ago. I got pg with DS1 soon after.

It was upsetting but nothing like having to go through it over and over.

I dont really know what to say apart from I am sorry Sad

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 16:22

should we all walk on eggshells, never lifting our eyes or speaking a word in case we offend someone?

but why is it anyone elses business? I would never ask my single/childless friends if they were having regular, unprotected sex.

loveglove · 10/10/2011 16:23

It's the same for anybody who's lost someone. People ask me questions about my mum assuming I have one when in fact she died a few years ago.

I don't assume those people are cunts or being invasive.

It's natural to think you may have more kids if you've got one, just like it's natural for people to assume my mum is alive and well as I'm a young woman.

suzikettles · 10/10/2011 16:24

YANBU.

I answered a couple of people honestly recently (that we'd love to, but we're struggling and it didn't look very likely), and they both started grilling me on what investigations I'd had, what options there might be.

They meant well, were just fishing about for conversation but really, it's one of those topics where you should take the lead from the other person. I didn't want to talk about my fertility with a virtual stranger thanks, and certainly didn't want to be made to feel that I just wasn't trying hard enough because I didn't have £5k to spend on IVF.

So next time I'll just mutter "one's enough", and if they start trilling about the wonderful relationship their dcs have, and don't I worry about depriving ds of that I'll smile sweetly and say "fuck the fuck off" Smile

Pendeen · 10/10/2011 16:30

".. Surely everybody knows you never EVER ask a person their baby plans or baby business ...it's just not done .."

Obviously not! Assuming that your interpretation of what constitutes good manners is accepted by everyone is quite misguided.

OP, I am very sorry for the hurt the playground comment caused you but it may well be that most people on here have got it right - it was just small talk.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 10/10/2011 16:31

Should we all walk on eggshells? No of course not.

Should we all be aware that everyone has a 'story' and whatever we say could affect them in ways we cannot imagine? Yep.

We can still act 'normally' but we can be sensitive at the same time.

In my experience (which is quite a lot unfortunately) it is the bereaved, the ones who have suffered losses, who are the ones who walk on eggshells. No matter how crass the comment i.e. OMG I KNOW!! my cat died the other week and I was devastated'

or 'you feeling better now'

We are the ones to bit our lip for fear of upsetting someone who 'didnt mean it'

How often do you see an ordinary looking middle aged mum punching someone in the gob in the playground? Or a shocked biddy being told to FUCK OFF by the same ordinary looking woman?

If we all reacted in the way we felt it would be a daily event.

But we dont. We smile and nod and let it go because it would be mean and wrong of us to show how hurt we are.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 10/10/2011 16:32

Surely the POINT is that the OP is perfectly entitled to feel upset by the woman's comments?

She didnt tell her to fuck off did she?

She has come on here and asked AIBU to want to say it?

And she isnt, not at all.

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 16:37

what mrsDV said. a little sensitivity and thought goes a long way. if someone has a child over 3/4 I dont ask if they want any more. because large age gaps are typically an indicator of a reason. ditto, I try not to mention parents or relationships to people in small talk. I use school related chatter, or work, or pick out an item and ask where they got it. no need to mention babies imo.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 10/10/2011 16:39

YANBU at all gigglepin, in fact you were very reserved.
I'm sorry for your losses.

People just flounder about for things to say and aren't always careful when doing it. She probably meant nothing by it, but it still hurts and makes you want to hide and hibernate.

pictish · 10/10/2011 16:40

"It's the same for anybody who's lost someone. People ask me questions about my mum assuming I have one when in fact she died a few years ago.

I don't assume those people are cunts or being invasive."

Quite right. My mum died six years ago, when I was just 30. People assume that my mum is still around, given my own age.
The cunts. The fucking invasive, insensitive, ill brought up, rude nosey CUNTS! Or something.....

Hmm
Original poster
gigglepin · 10/10/2011 16:41

Ok, no to eggshells, no to avoiding conversation in case of upsetting, my reaction was to a mother who had presumptions that i didnt/dont want any more children.

I dont mind talking about my losses, in fact its amazing how many women say to me, actually, ive had a mc or several mcs, its opening up to mutual empathy and to a conversation that may help some one.

I would never say fuck the fuck off, but im allowed to think it...secretly in my head.

I usually say with a wry smile that my oven is broken and so i am unable to pop any more out and any way. That seems to do the trick, doesnt offend or make any one feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 16:43

but do they say (when you reply that you dont have one) "well, better get a move on hadn't you? times-a-ticking"/"ooooh, but its not fair to just have one parent, arent you worried that the other will get lonely?"

ColdSancerre · 10/10/2011 16:45

Agree with Lissie and MrsDV. If only people would try to put a little more thought into their 'idle chitchat' it would be far kinder. The number of times I've been asked by people why I don't have children, phrased in so many different ways, is staggering. I wish people would just stop, it is not idle chitchat it is invasive, and when your reasons are infertility or miscarriages it is damn upsetting.

OP I am sorry about your MC's.

LissieLovettsDeliciousPies · 10/10/2011 16:46

Im really sorry. i just re-read that post and its come out much more insensitive than I intended.

I am genuinely sorry for your losses, it must be horrible.

it is frustrating though when people say "we cant walk on eggshells around people". I genuinely cant understand why people think its ok to quiz others about their reproductive plans. especially if you dont know them well.

nailak · 10/10/2011 16:47

i think she was assumed you chose to have one kid and was trying to be supportive and non judgemental about it?

Original poster
gigglepin · 10/10/2011 16:49

trying to make conversation thats all.
Shes a nice lady, so i felt bad telling her to fuck off in my head Shock

OP posts:
witherhills · 10/10/2011 16:49

I think any question along these lines is rude, invasive and way too personal
Would never ask anything like that unless very close friend and you discussed fertility as a matter of course.
I've had lots of people ask me and I hate it. Upsets me a lot.
A friend of my mums keeps telling me to get a move on, I need to get my mum to tell her I've had 2 miscarriages and now too old