To think DP should have a little more input?

[mmmerangue]

My partner works a full time, outdoors, manual job and cooks (9 meals out of 10, anyway).

I am on Mat. leave, to raise our baby, and I clean.

DS (7m+) is the proverbial 'good baby', relaxed, happy, etc! I love our little man with all my heart, but every once in a while I would like for DH to at least offer his services... And give me a break!

DP plays with DS and gives him cuddles & bedtime kisses etc. He is not a completely absent father! But, the minute a whinge or a cry comes along, he hands him back. He only deals with grumpy child when I need (I mean need) to shower, go to the shop, or (in 7 1/2 months, have 3 times) demand a couple of hours in bed in the morning.

He only changes him if I request it (perhaps once every other weekend).

He has never bathed him.

He has taken him 4 or 5 times for a walk (either back in record time, or takes him to his parents, where he will leave them to do the majority of baby-entertaining while he checks out his brothers new Xbox games... I have called him to check baby before and been told 'I don't know, he's downstairs with my mum'.)

DS will only sleep with a BF... so for DP to put him to bed just wouldn't happen, especially if he knows I am just in the next room with a perfectly good boob. When really tired he will go to sleep for other people but only once quite recently has it lasted more than half an hour and that was for my mother. At 8 weeks he slept through the night but now with teething wakes 3-4 times a night again (so I deal with all of that, while DP sleeps on).

Once a week, now that he is on 3 'meals' a day, DS goes to M-I-L's for a day (usually about 11am-5pm depending on sleep & feed times). While he is out I do all the big chores that are hard to get done in the rest of the week like cleaning the bathroom... And then get a few hours peace. Yesterday, I (and DS) went to help my parents with an event and while DP was home alone he did precisely NO chores until I came home and reminded him what stick he gave me when I tried the same on my "day off". We then both did then together, him reminding me along the way how quick and easy they are... Ehem. No comment!!

I have tried not to make a fuss because he does work really hard, from an early start, comes home knackered and usually wet/dirty/both. But i am expecting to go back to work in a month or two, and DS will be coming with me (I work for my dad, saving childcare costs...) at least half of the time. I don't think I can physically do my job as well as all the baby-care and cleaning. I don't know if I am being unreasonable (I know I am not perfect, with endless patience and a shiny halo in mothering terms..) and should buck up and do my 'half'.

On the other hand if I'm not being unreasonable; I don't know how to bring it up with DP, in the past he has been sympathetic and promised to do more (I've tried twice, he still will not OFFER help only do what I ask of him...) but i don't know how an ultimatum situation "I cannot do all this and work!" will go down... In my mind I see myself after a few weeks of working; a shivering, crying, anorexic wreck and him with a baby at arms length going 'well it was your idea to go back to work!!'... it wont be that bad... I hope...

Once recently while bemoaning my day, (which are monotonous and long; if not as hard as some new mums) DP actually said "You know no-one believes you don't you?" So I have pretty much stopped airing my opinions on DS's activity, he is really a good baby on the whole...

So, essay over... AIBU?

[tryingtoleave]

Yes, he is very little to worry about the bfing to sleep - it actually makes life much easier when you have a foolproof way of getting them to sleep.

But looking after a 7 month old is hardly manual labour. And getting a bit of food on you is not like working in the rain. At seven months the baby is probably napping twice a day? Or one really long nap? Small enough to go in a sling when you have to get something done and too little to make mess. At that age you can get on with your life and the baby is happy to come along for the ride.

[mmmerangue]

And yes, Ninky Nonk, I missed your post before. I want him to take time with his child, NOT do all my other stuff for me. Those things would be absolutely not part of the problem if he was a willing participant in the raising of his child...

[tryingtoleave]

Ok, so you make the dinner. Do the sort of pasta bake he likes with a side of greens. Easy.

[mmmerangue]

Tried... not the same. He would rather cook.

I would rather cook but some things you do for an easy life...

[BertieBotts]

at not making mess. When DS was 7 months mealtimes resembled an explosion in a food factory. And isn't that the prime age for emptying bookshelves, wipes packets, sudocrem pots, whatever comes to hand as soon as your back is turned?

Okay, yes, looking after a 7 month old is not as physically tiring as manual labour. But OP's DH is doing that job for 7, 8 hours a day. OP is responsible for her child 24 hours a day (minus the 5 hours once a week at MILs). It's silly to compare and try to work out who has it harder, who is doing more etc. Just start by dividing things up equally, if one person is absolutely running ragged then things need to change.

Does DH actually cook then or just reheat frozen crap?

[tryingtoleave]

Oh, well my ds wasn't mobile at 7 months, which would make a difference. But even a crawling baby is not like a toddler who has to be kept entertained with child friendly activities and wreaks destruction whenever your back is turned.

Op, if you can't make a change with the dinner, then I don't see what you can do. There are only so many hours your ds and dh will be together and awake.

[mmmerangue]

Bertie, I'd say its about 1:4 real meals to frozen stuff. I tried to buy tinned/frozen and fresh veg, he will eat in a stew but not on its own (starting to sound like he is a child too?!). Proud to have convinced him Red Pepper is nice in pasta/fajitas lol!

DS can make an epic mess while eating, DP can make an epic mess while cooking... which is where most of my cleaning comes from!!

Ok. to Finish this up:

1. Get DP to do a little more of the baby-care so that when I am back at work, this is not alien to DS. Help him out at first (I think he still thinks he'll break DS if he does it wrong...) then leave him to it.
   

1. Do more of the cooking and if he doesn't want it he can make his own...
   

1. Make an evening where i go out after bedtime and do something I like doing... make sure once a week he gets to see his mates after work or at the weekend as he likes.
   

4.Worry about the BFing when DS has figured out his sippycup... see what happens!

1. Make sure when I go back to work there is a shift in the sharing of housework... Set an actual date for going back so that we have a goal to work towards.
   

1. Make sure DP knows what you all have said, too.
   

Thanks everyone x

[Mia4]

Well the chores...if you're not working the share would fall to you and you have just said that he cooks 9/10 so he's not lounging when he comes in, is he? Why not you cook one night and get him to bath the baby? Or involve him in the bathing as a transition and then get him to?

As for the crying and handing back...it may be a 'him thing' but to play devils advocate for a moment with a personal experience...my sister has the same complaint and I have to keep breaking it to her that she's made her son very clingy and only 'wanting mummy' (something she used to love and encourage but now realises is a rod for her own back) rather then going to mum and dad- he will scream until he gets her regardless of how hard the poor bloke tries, or anyone else for that matter.

You need to talk to your partner, to make it clear that once you go back to work the chores will be divided fairly but you I think that right now YWBU to expect him to do more chores alongside working and doing all the cooking.

[mmmerangue]

I don't think it was ever an active decision, but, since I had the equipment that's how it turned out... He was much more eager in th first few weeks when he had paternity leave, I don't know if he thought his job was done then as he was going back to work or if I pushed him out as I could 'fix everything' with BF-ing... something to ask him I guess.

thanks x

[Andrewofgg]

I've said this on similar threads and I am always concerned that it sounds like a cop-out for an idle member of my gender.

But is he nervous of his own ability to look after your DC?

Had he younger siblings or the children of older ones?

So many new fathers haven't a clue because they haven't been given a chance. For all sorts of reasons new mothers are far more likely to have had experience with other people's babies. I had very little experience but I am a self-confident type (some would say arrogant . . .) and I just got on with it. DW's two brothers, then without DC of their own, got plenty of chances to learn which end is which with our DS, who fortunately was the sort you could play pass-the-parcel with and he didn't mind.

So make him bath the baby - but be with him first time to give him confidence. And the same with other jobs. Give him the chance to find out how pleasurable it is to minister to a baby's needs. You may be amazed at how amazed he is when he finds he can do it.

[mmmerangue]

Thanks Andrew, we are both young (22-23) and have not had much experience with other's kids although he has 3 younger siblings and I one, too close together to remember much from those times... Will definitely give him more opportunities and encouragement to do those little things. Nice to have a male perspective :)