To think DP should have a little more input?

[mmmerangue]

My partner works a full time, outdoors, manual job and cooks (9 meals out of 10, anyway).

I am on Mat. leave, to raise our baby, and I clean.

DS (7m+) is the proverbial 'good baby', relaxed, happy, etc! I love our little man with all my heart, but every once in a while I would like for DH to at least offer his services... And give me a break!

DP plays with DS and gives him cuddles & bedtime kisses etc. He is not a completely absent father! But, the minute a whinge or a cry comes along, he hands him back. He only deals with grumpy child when I need (I mean need) to shower, go to the shop, or (in 7 1/2 months, have 3 times) demand a couple of hours in bed in the morning.

He only changes him if I request it (perhaps once every other weekend).

He has never bathed him.

He has taken him 4 or 5 times for a walk (either back in record time, or takes him to his parents, where he will leave them to do the majority of baby-entertaining while he checks out his brothers new Xbox games... I have called him to check baby before and been told 'I don't know, he's downstairs with my mum'.)

DS will only sleep with a BF... so for DP to put him to bed just wouldn't happen, especially if he knows I am just in the next room with a perfectly good boob. When really tired he will go to sleep for other people but only once quite recently has it lasted more than half an hour and that was for my mother. At 8 weeks he slept through the night but now with teething wakes 3-4 times a night again (so I deal with all of that, while DP sleeps on).

Once a week, now that he is on 3 'meals' a day, DS goes to M-I-L's for a day (usually about 11am-5pm depending on sleep & feed times). While he is out I do all the big chores that are hard to get done in the rest of the week like cleaning the bathroom... And then get a few hours peace. Yesterday, I (and DS) went to help my parents with an event and while DP was home alone he did precisely NO chores until I came home and reminded him what stick he gave me when I tried the same on my "day off". We then both did then together, him reminding me along the way how quick and easy they are... Ehem. No comment!!

I have tried not to make a fuss because he does work really hard, from an early start, comes home knackered and usually wet/dirty/both. But i am expecting to go back to work in a month or two, and DS will be coming with me (I work for my dad, saving childcare costs...) at least half of the time. I don't think I can physically do my job as well as all the baby-care and cleaning. I don't know if I am being unreasonable (I know I am not perfect, with endless patience and a shiny halo in mothering terms..) and should buck up and do my 'half'.

On the other hand if I'm not being unreasonable; I don't know how to bring it up with DP, in the past he has been sympathetic and promised to do more (I've tried twice, he still will not OFFER help only do what I ask of him...) but i don't know how an ultimatum situation "I cannot do all this and work!" will go down... In my mind I see myself after a few weeks of working; a shivering, crying, anorexic wreck and him with a baby at arms length going 'well it was your idea to go back to work!!'... it wont be that bad... I hope...

Once recently while bemoaning my day, (which are monotonous and long; if not as hard as some new mums) DP actually said "You know no-one believes you don't you?" So I have pretty much stopped airing my opinions on DS's activity, he is really a good baby on the whole...

So, essay over... AIBU?

[mmmerangue]

Thanks Andrew, we are both young (22-23) and have not had much experience with other's kids although he has 3 younger siblings and I one, too close together to remember much from those times... Will definitely give him more opportunities and encouragement to do those little things. Nice to have a male perspective :)

[Andrewofgg]

I've said this on similar threads and I am always concerned that it sounds like a cop-out for an idle member of my gender.

But is he nervous of his own ability to look after your DC?

Had he younger siblings or the children of older ones?

So many new fathers haven't a clue because they haven't been given a chance. For all sorts of reasons new mothers are far more likely to have had experience with other people's babies. I had very little experience but I am a self-confident type (some would say arrogant . . .) and I just got on with it. DW's two brothers, then without DC of their own, got plenty of chances to learn which end is which with our DS, who fortunately was the sort you could play pass-the-parcel with and he didn't mind.

So make him bath the baby - but be with him first time to give him confidence. And the same with other jobs. Give him the chance to find out how pleasurable it is to minister to a baby's needs. You may be amazed at how amazed he is when he finds he can do it.

[mmmerangue]

I don't think it was ever an active decision, but, since I had the equipment that's how it turned out... He was much more eager in th first few weeks when he had paternity leave, I don't know if he thought his job was done then as he was going back to work or if I pushed him out as I could 'fix everything' with BF-ing... something to ask him I guess.

thanks x

[Mia4]

Well the chores...if you're not working the share would fall to you and you have just said that he cooks 9/10 so he's not lounging when he comes in, is he? Why not you cook one night and get him to bath the baby? Or involve him in the bathing as a transition and then get him to?

As for the crying and handing back...it may be a 'him thing' but to play devils advocate for a moment with a personal experience...my sister has the same complaint and I have to keep breaking it to her that she's made her son very clingy and only 'wanting mummy' (something she used to love and encourage but now realises is a rod for her own back) rather then going to mum and dad- he will scream until he gets her regardless of how hard the poor bloke tries, or anyone else for that matter.

You need to talk to your partner, to make it clear that once you go back to work the chores will be divided fairly but you I think that right now YWBU to expect him to do more chores alongside working and doing all the cooking.

[mmmerangue]

Bertie, I'd say its about 1:4 real meals to frozen stuff. I tried to buy tinned/frozen and fresh veg, he will eat in a stew but not on its own (starting to sound like he is a child too?!). Proud to have convinced him Red Pepper is nice in pasta/fajitas lol!

DS can make an epic mess while eating, DP can make an epic mess while cooking... which is where most of my cleaning comes from!!

Ok. to Finish this up:

1. Get DP to do a little more of the baby-care so that when I am back at work, this is not alien to DS. Help him out at first (I think he still thinks he'll break DS if he does it wrong...) then leave him to it.
   

1. Do more of the cooking and if he doesn't want it he can make his own...
   

1. Make an evening where i go out after bedtime and do something I like doing... make sure once a week he gets to see his mates after work or at the weekend as he likes.
   

4.Worry about the BFing when DS has figured out his sippycup... see what happens!

1. Make sure when I go back to work there is a shift in the sharing of housework... Set an actual date for going back so that we have a goal to work towards.
   

1. Make sure DP knows what you all have said, too.
   

Thanks everyone x

[tryingtoleave]

Oh, well my ds wasn't mobile at 7 months, which would make a difference. But even a crawling baby is not like a toddler who has to be kept entertained with child friendly activities and wreaks destruction whenever your back is turned.

Op, if you can't make a change with the dinner, then I don't see what you can do. There are only so many hours your ds and dh will be together and awake.

[BertieBotts]

at not making mess. When DS was 7 months mealtimes resembled an explosion in a food factory. And isn't that the prime age for emptying bookshelves, wipes packets, sudocrem pots, whatever comes to hand as soon as your back is turned?

Okay, yes, looking after a 7 month old is not as physically tiring as manual labour. But OP's DH is doing that job for 7, 8 hours a day. OP is responsible for her child 24 hours a day (minus the 5 hours once a week at MILs). It's silly to compare and try to work out who has it harder, who is doing more etc. Just start by dividing things up equally, if one person is absolutely running ragged then things need to change.

Does DH actually cook then or just reheat frozen crap?

[mmmerangue]

Tried... not the same. He would rather cook.

I would rather cook but some things you do for an easy life...

[tryingtoleave]

Ok, so you make the dinner. Do the sort of pasta bake he likes with a side of greens. Easy.

[mmmerangue]

And yes, Ninky Nonk, I missed your post before. I want him to take time with his child, NOT do all my other stuff for me. Those things would be absolutely not part of the problem if he was a willing participant in the raising of his child...

[tryingtoleave]

Yes, he is very little to worry about the bfing to sleep - it actually makes life much easier when you have a foolproof way of getting them to sleep.

But looking after a 7 month old is hardly manual labour. And getting a bit of food on you is not like working in the rain. At seven months the baby is probably napping twice a day? Or one really long nap? Small enough to go in a sling when you have to get something done and too little to make mess. At that age you can get on with your life and the baby is happy to come along for the ride.

[mmmerangue]

Ah and... the reason he cooks is because he doesn't like the things that I try to cook. I do get things started if like say, lasagna the mince & toms needs cooked then he will throw it together and bake, as all his meals are based around this it is not so much cooking as putting something in the oven for half an hour. I've also mentioned the lack of vegetation and how when DS is eating what we eat there will need to be more greens and less salt but I think that fell on deaf ears...

[BertieBotts]

I'd ask in the breast/bottlefeeding section for advice on weaning if you want to. But agree he's still little, if you want to feed him to sleep, carry on.

[NinkyNonker]

Unfortunate cross post, looks like I was being rude to you op! Do you want to stop bf? You don't have to, at 14 mo dd feeds twice, at waking and bedtime and sometimes skips one so it isn't that time consuming. I wanted to get past a year so skip the need for formula full stop but it us easier to carry on now. She'll wean herself soon enough.

[NinkyNonker]

Bf is irrelevant, calling it merely a choice is dismissive. Feeding him to sleep at his age is fine too, they do still wake for feed at that age. There is bo reason he can't change, bath, dress, help resettle etc. I have the opposite prob this weekend (dd 14 mo) as DH is away, come 0430 she wouldn't settle for me! She would have done for DH in minutes, took me 2 hrs...yawn. He needs to be able to do these things.

[mmmerangue]

Much to think on... still but hopefully can work it out!!

How do I knock BF on the head by the way? It is THE mystery of motherhood so far... He won't take a bottle any more and is still contending with his sippycup, half wanting me to hold it half wanting to do it himself and half wanting to shake it all over the floor so to do that at bedtime... I dread to think o.O

[NinkyNonker]

Yes, DH does tend to take dd when he gets home and I finish off dinner, I have normally prepped or made it in the afternoon if it is a chilli, or something marinading.

I think your main issue is that he needs to be more involved with your son as against housework. I can't see the housework being a big problem.

[BertieBotts]

"he does work really hard, from an early start, comes home knackered and usually wet/dirty/both"

Yes, and you have several early starts - at a guess, 1, 3, 6am? So you start off knackered. And I expect you end the day with some carrot or milk or finger paint or puke about your person. But anyway, it's beside the point. You still, as adults, both have an equal responsibility to the housework. If one of you is picking up the slack because the other has a particularly draining job or is ill or having a stressful time or whatever, then fair enough, but just because one person works outside of the home and the other is looking after children in it, does not mean that the one who is home is responsible for all of it and if the other ever does any that this is "helping".

The breastfeeding point is irrelevant too. Plenty of other things he could do. And I have loads of breastfeeding friends whose DPs/DHs are involved in or do bedtime. The difference is, they've been involved from the start, so DCs are as familiar and comfortable with Dad as with Mum.

[Xenia]

I will be better when you are back at full time work but even now perhaps go out for 3 or 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday and leave the child with its father as yo uneed a break and then allow him 3 or 4 hours off at the weekends too.

[tryingtoleave]

I agree with troisgarcons.

Your dh does the cooking, you have five uninterrupted hours to do the cleaning? How much more work is there to do besides just clearing up behind yourself and some laundry.

In our house, and I suspect many others with a person at home, when dh came home he was given baby to bath while I cooked. That gave me a break from ds and him a chance to spend time with ds. It is great that your dh cooks but you might want to alternate.

I don't think you have much to complain about, tbh.

[GeneHuntsMistress]

I don't know philosophically speaking what to do, I would be a very rich woman if I did as I would sell it to the western world.

But practically speaking - the money you will be saving in Childcare, GET A CLEANER. Get someon in who will do ironing too and pay her an extra hour to do this, or send your ironing out. Join the ocado delivery pass and book the same weekly slot to have all your shopping delivered.

And knock the BF to sleep thing on the head now while you're still off work, it really will not help you or your DS in the long run, as you have already discovered.....

Good luck. I have found that dealing with the practical has made me rather more stoical about the esoteric over the years......

[BertieBotts]

Irrelevant how much help the OP gets at home. How does her DH think he is going to build a relationship with his child if he spends the bare minimum of time interacting with him?

Did you do the bulk of stuff before you had DC, and is he expecting you to carry on doing all of it when you go back to work, or will he think it's fairer to split it more equally then? Because if you split it equally before, you do more now, and then you're planning to split it equally when you go back to work, that seems rather backwards. His workload has decreased while you are on ML, but yours has stayed the same (albeit different work). Who is recovering from birth here, who is coping with the broken nights? Not him! So why does he get a rest when you don't? (If I'm wrong about this then please disregard that part!)

I think if you can't split all jobs because you have to keep reminding him to do them, a better approach is to divide up jobs or rooms. If he does the cooking, perhaps the kitchen could be his domain. So all kitchen-related chores - washing up, wiping down surfaces, the cooker, cleaning the oven, taking the binbag out, mopping the floor, keeping on track of food levels, throwing out mouldy food and at least writing the shopping list, if not ordering it online or doing the shopping (easier without a screaming child I find) AND the one-off things like cleaning out the fridge, defrosting the freezer, etc.

Of course one person can't pick the nice rooms like bedrooms, living room, and leave the other to do the not so nice jobs like the kitchen and bathroom, unless for example one of you doesn't mind cleaning but hates tidying and the other is vice versa. And make sure one person isn't cherry picking all the less pleasant jobs too - make a list of them all and then allocate based on time taken, frequency, level of disgustingness, etc. Again if you do have particular preferences then fair enough, as long as it's fair. He can't say that he hates everything except cooking so the other jobs would be more harrowing for him than you.

Childcare is more difficult but the only way you'll get him to do more is to leave him alone with DS more. I breastfeed as well and the only way anybody else can get away with putting DS to bed is if I'm not in the house at all.

I don't think he sounds controlling, more like he's just not thinking, taking you for granted a bit. Possibly he feels like he's being a "modern man" by doing the cooking and taking DS when you need him to - so perhaps just a little reality check needed

[troisgarcons]

Im all for everyone pulling their weight - but in reality - you are at home, you have the role of homemaker at the moment. I find it unreasonable that your husband has to cook when he comes in! (I'll be flamed for that no doubt) but honestly do you think this is 'fair' ? he does work really hard, from an early start, comes home knackered and usually wet/dirty/both.

It is not time consuming nor difficult to shove a couple of chicken breasts in the oven a long with a jacket potato etc and have a meal ready.

Frankly - I'd be poking your husband in the shower then handing the baby over for bath time and doing the cooking myself. Selfish on my part because by that time of the evening I'd be wanting a baby-break!

BFing is a choice and you choose to still settle the baby with a feed for bed. It is difficult for your DP to do that.

You send the baby to your MIL for a break then you complain when he does the same thing - handing baby to MIL - when in reality she is probably at the door ready to grab the baby! You get your break, why cant he have a couple of hours chill time with his brother?

I cannot do all this and work!" No you cant! When you go back to work, then things change, rapidly. You havent said what hours you are working but chores have to equitably split if you are both working similar hours. If you are only working a half day, then largely the role of home maker will still fall to you by virtue that you have more 'free' hours'.

Im no clean freak (other than kitchen and loo) nor am I slovenly slob, but for the life of me, I can't see how you have so much housework and worrying about running a house is taking up all your time? No one needs to dust everyday. Bathrooms dont need a major overhaul every day. Bed linen doesnt need changing every week (except in summer) ..... I wonder, do you feel you have to do certain chores whether they need it or not?

[NinkyNonker]

Y chromosome, pfft.

[ShroudOfHamsters]

Well, for a start, he just needs to become more involved in the everyday stuff FOR YOUR DS'S SAKE.

Whta would happen if you went under a bus tomorrow? What would he do? Give his son to his mother to raise?

Point out to him that you are unhappy with his lack of practical input into raising his own child. That in his short life his son has never had the experience of his daddy giving him a bath, of spending proper time with him.

Point out that in a year's time, it's likely at this rate that his own son will be more comfortable and at ease with his granny caring for him. His dad won't really be on his radar at this rate...

Doesn't he want to be a capable dad, who knows what to do if his son cries, who can soothe and reassure him? Isn't he ashamed that your mum can get his child to sleep and he probably wouldn't have a chance because his son isn't used to being with his dad except for a quick play?