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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or do I deserve all the eye rolling currently going on here

67 replies

epicfail · 09/10/2011 06:13

Twin DDs who are 14 went to a Birthday sleepover on a farm last night. I was not overly happy as it was a mixed sleepover but the mother assured me that the boys and girls would be well seperated and supervised. In the end only two boys stayed and I believe it all went well.

DDs have just informed me that they had fun being driven around the property with them all loose in the back of a Ute, with no adults present and the 14yo birthday girl driving! But that it was "ok mum, she knows how to drive and we weren't going that fast!" One DD has a massive bruise on her hip from being bumped around the Ute tray.

AIBU to be absolutley white knuckled and seeting with rage that the mother permitted this?

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 09/10/2011 10:05

I would be furious. But I knew a 15 yo who died in a joy riding incident in the parent's car, so my reaction is probably a response to that.

Emsmaman · 09/10/2011 10:08

I think it's a great credit to you that your daughter stood up to her peers and said she wasn't comfortable. Hard to do when you're 14. I hope my DD has the same confidence in herself when she reaches that age, I will feel I have done my job properly if so.

catgirl1976 · 09/10/2011 10:08

YAB a little bit U - We used todo this all the time on a farm we used to stay on. And drive round on quads etc unsupervised etc. They were not breaking the law, they were not driving in traffic

I can understand you being really worried but it is probably totally normal to the family with the land and tbh she could be joy-riding round an estate which would be far worse. Its pretty normal behaviour on farms and there is no other traffic. Still a worry for you if you don't like your DCs being exposed to risks so maybe don't let them go there again if you think the parents won't supervise

catinboots · 09/10/2011 10:12

Breath - that's awful, but yoy riding on a road is very different from driving off-road on a private farm

squeakytoy · 09/10/2011 10:17

I am going to go against the majority here. I grew up with friends and relatives who had farms, and I could drive myself from the age of 14. We would all drive around on private land, and nobody ever came to any harm at all.

I would say horse riding is probably more risky than riding around in a vehicle.

They were not going at high speed (according to your daughter) and they had fun. If it were my teen, I really would not be concerned or worried.

Aislingorla · 09/10/2011 10:21

Agree with Breath,
When I was 14/15 this was a common week end activity (grew up in a rural farming community) However, we did it when the parents were out and never, ever told our parents about it.

Aislingorla · 09/10/2011 10:22

And Sqeeaky.

FabbyChic · 09/10/2011 10:24

they are practically adults chill out

breatheslowly · 09/10/2011 10:49

If you hit a tree, you hit a tree. It doesn't matter if you are on a road or private land.

NinkyNonker · 09/10/2011 10:52

I could drive well by that age having learnt very young on my Granny's land, but I wouldn't expect other children of that age to have parents who would be happy with me driving them.

VivaLeBeaver · 09/10/2011 10:57

Its hard to say without knowing what the land is like. If its all flat or on tracks I wouldn't be bothered. If is hilly and careering around fields there's more chance to roll it I suppose, though to be honest I think you'd have to be going some to roll a ute.

But I grew up in the country and this sort of thing was quite normal for me. When I was 11 I used to sneak off to a friend's house who had a motorbike and we used to race round the woods on it doing jumps and all sorts with no helmet. My mother would have killed me though looking back I'm suprised I didn't kill myself. But sometimes I think that kids are safer/more cautious then what we give them credit for.

I'd be more worried about the quad bikes as they're easier to roll.

stickylittlefingers · 09/10/2011 11:07

yep, normal in the farming community - but there are also some pretty horrendous accidents on farms (if you grew up in the country in the 70s/80s you also grow up with all those videos about tractors without roll bars, falling in grain silos etc etc. Farms are dangerous places for the uninitiated). I get that this was not a farm, but still. I think if you grow up in that climate, you also have a sense that if you're not sensible very bad things could happen. I would worry about people who hadn't had that sort of upbringing. Farmer-types have different expectations of what their children will do perhaps.

So on the one hand, YANBU. On the other, you might want to let your daughters learn the basics of driving off road before they have to learn on the highway with all the other drivers about. It is quite handy to already know how to do it, rather than have to learn it all, while worrying about other drivers/pedestriams/cyclists.

catinboots · 09/10/2011 11:07

Like many other posters - I used to do things as a kid/teenager that would have terrified my parents.

I used to ride my pony bareback, with no hat on, at full speed over huge hedges in our paddock.

I used to smoke fags and drink vodka (aged 13) in the rec with my friends

I'm not condoning these behaviour(s?), but all I am saying is that your girls are teenagers now. And their friends are teenagers. And teenagers don't always act in a responsible manner.

If I were you I would be proud that your girls felt they could tell you about it. I know myself at that age I would have kept 'illicit' farm-car-driving from my mum

Original poster

epicfail · 09/10/2011 11:14

Thanks for the perspectives ladies. I have calmed down but still am thinking it is not the other parent's call to put my children at risk.

Squeakytoy, we have horses. We never let anyone on one of them, even to be led around, without a parent's permission.

Fabby, if you're just after a rise, I will rise - 'practically adults' they most certainly are not. They are both very young for their age 14 year olds. In fact, your comment made me laugh for the first time today, thanks!

catinboots, they have horses and some sheep and a lot of bushland. But they dont farm.

I will say it again - I dont have an issue with their daughter driving herself around their property. That is their call.

OP posts:

Original poster

epicfail · 09/10/2011 11:26

The advantage of having twins catinboots, what one doesnt tell me, the other one usually does! Sometimes to get the other one in trouble though.

Yes I am proud of them. Hopefully they continue to be as open as they are now, their big sister is very open too. Although I suspect the eye-rolling twin may yet feature in upcoming posts on MN... her belligerence level is definitely on the rise.

OP posts:

PattySimcox · 09/10/2011 11:33

Hmm I did things as a teen that I would be horrified if my DCs do. The mother may not have been aware of exactly what they were doing if she was occupied dealing with other stuff.

Going against the grain here, if I were you I would have been furious at my DC for getting into the vehicle - they did have a choice and at 14 surely are old enough to know that you are at risk travelling around unsecured in the back. Given the driver did stop when your DD asked - surely that was their chance to get out and stay out?

diddl · 09/10/2011 11:37

I´d be more annoyed with my own kids for getting in the vehiocle in the first place tbh.

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 11:53

I agree with squeakytoy et al.

Besides, if you want to get angry, do so with your 14 YOs, who are old enough to know what you consider acceptable and old enough to know how to say no thanks, mum wouldn;t like us doing that, not with the other girls' parents.

You say "we have horses. We never let anyone on one of them, even to be led around, without a parent's permission."

I have a 14yo DD and I think that's way over-cautious. My daughter stays with friends of the family regularly - in a caravan on their property (admittedly behind locked gates and within spitting distance from their house). She rides pillion on her hosts motobike and would jump at the chance at riding their horses (sadly can't, their companion animals), whilst handling almost all of the 70 dogs on their rescue premises. I wouldn't expect to be asked permission for a 14 yo to do any of these things.

aliceliddell · 09/10/2011 11:53

Not at all convinced by this line about it being 'dd's choice' and 'they're practically adults'. They are 14. It was potentially dangerous. I would not be pleased, and I wouldn't let someone else's 14yr old be put at obvious risk.

elesbells · 09/10/2011 11:53

I would be more annoyed at my dc's than the parent too.

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 11:56

They're companion animals...

jade80 · 09/10/2011 11:59

It's normal for children on farms to do that. If you don't like it don't let them go again. Bet they loved it though and will remember it for ages. Just shut your eyes and block your ears when they are up to much less wholesome things in a few years time!

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 09/10/2011 12:02

I wouldnt be happy.

Is this the same forum where posters were aghast at the idea of letting a teenager go for a sleep over in a rough common area?

jade80 · 09/10/2011 12:08

Mmm I didn't see that thread. Sounds a bit odd, how old was the child? I think managed risk is important though, others they will just end up going nuts and having no personal boundaries when older. Plenty of research to support it.

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:11

Not this poster, MrsDV. You can't be too much of a snob when you come from the back streets of Sarf Lundun y'know. :)

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