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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD slapped at school

66 replies

doinmummy · 08/10/2011 15:34

AIBU to expect some feed back from my DD school after she was slapped round the face by another pupil? I went to the school on the day it happened and spoke to the deputy head who said he would deal with it. The girl who slapped my daughter was taken home by her mother and was kept off school for 2 days. I would like to know what action the school has taken. I phoned and left a message but no one from the school has called me back. AIBU to not want the 2 days that the girl had off to be classed as punishment and want the school to exclude her? AIBU to expect the school to let me know what they have done about this?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 17:08

"I'm not that horrible that i want the girl to be arrested"

This would possibly get the girl the help that she needed, her being excluded wouldn't.

If the police were involved they would have to put what is known as a CAF in place which may make life better for the girl, you have got it backwards, excluding her will only mess up her education.

Allboxedin · 08/10/2011 17:23

Gosh exclude someone for a slap? I think you need to trust the teacher's here to sort it out appropriately. TBH back when I was at school I had a few 'fights' as did my friends. We got sent to the headmaster and put in detention and sorted out by the school. You also need to remember you have only heard one side of the story and you were not there to say exactly what happened.

ENormaSnob · 08/10/2011 17:31

If a colleague slapped me I would inform the police.

rhondajean · 08/10/2011 17:38

Goodness me over reactions!!

I would be furious if DD was slapped too. However it happened when I was school among girls, and it will happen we are all kicking up the daisies. Hormones running high, the pressure boiler atmosphere of schools, etc all make teenage girls, as we know, volatile - its our jobs to try to teach them the best ways to deal with and voice their frustrations, and unfortunately some parents arent very good at that, and even the best parenting can still find your child snapping at others at some points.

The other girl has felt looked down upon because your DD didnt want to go to her house, she hasnt dealt with it well, school SHOULD be supporting her to deal with it better in future.

Exclusions are rubbish and do nothing except distance most kids even further than they were from the school system.

However - OP - I would say YABU to look for revenge on a mixed up and upset child (which is all that exclusion will effectively be, it wont teach her how to handle things better in future, therefore is of no use in providing protection for your own daughter, which is what you say you want) - YANBU to expect the school to keep in touch with you about whats happening. Call them back.

Allboxedin · 08/10/2011 17:54

Enorma - you are an adult, not a 13 year old hormonal schoolgirl, I would hope you would deal with the upset differently.

Alouiseg · 08/10/2011 18:07

Teenage girls do not slap due to their hormones. That is as offensive as saying men beat women because they have uncontrollable surges of testosterone.

QuintessentialDead · 08/10/2011 18:12

I think the school is giving you a mahoosive hint regards to what would best serve this girl.....

Their hands are possibly tied. They cannot do anything but exclude. Which I suspect they have done. And the mother is lying to cover it up. Why else would she come to your workplace and be cross with the school?

rhondajean · 08/10/2011 18:17

Oh teenage girls do indeed slap because of their hormones, if they arent taught any better strategies to deal with their frustration. In fact grown women with extreme PM symptoms sometimes admit doing it.

Its a ridiculously fragile age for all of them - I try to tell DD1 that the bitchy girls are always the ones who feel less secure about themselves, and to give her other ways to express frustration, hurt, anger etc, and to feel sorry for girls who dont have those.

Allboxedin · 08/10/2011 18:18

Teenagers often have hormones running high, therefore they cannot always think in the same way as a mature adult can Alouise!! That goes for boys and girls, calm down!

Dawndonna · 08/10/2011 18:25

The school should be contacting social services. They should have a nominated member of staff assigned to child protection duties. Their hands are not tied.
I cannot understand the 'never did me any harm' brigade. It is an assault, and needs to be dealt with. The school have a duty of care to all those within the school and violence of any sort is unacceptable.
Having said that, if the girl knows no different, I feel desperately sorry for her and would be asking the school if they have discussed the situation with their child protection officer.

As for contacting the police, as stated earlier, if they are dealing with a child under sixteen, they have to contact social services.

jade80 · 08/10/2011 18:28

Report it to the police. The authorities should be aware of the situation. It sounds like the girl is following her mum's example and becoming an abusive little sod. Maybe some intervention could help her in future. I doubt they would arrest the girl, she sounds like a victim too.

GetOrfMo1Land · 08/10/2011 19:05

i agree with alouiseg and others - I would call the police. It may well be the best way of communicating that people hitting (even though to some it is only a slap at school) is unacceptable.

The fact that the school say that you could call the police (in my experience that is usually the last thing I would advise) speaks volumes.

GetOrfMo1Land · 08/10/2011 19:06

I meant to say that in my experience that is the last thing that a school would advise. They normally try and deal with it in house. Perhaps they realise that they cannot do anything effective with this girl and/or her family.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2011 19:15

Exctly what DownbytheRiverside said.

Can someone please explain to me how having the girl cautioned for assault would get her "the help she needs"?

I was slapped by another girl at high school. She spent a year bullying me. At the time I hated her, but with hindsight I can see she had a very unhappy life. Calling the police wouldn't have helped her at all.

ENormaSnob · 08/10/2011 20:04

13 is old enough to know better, hormones or not.

I would involve the police.

I wouldn't tolerate it from an adult and wouldn't expect my dc to tolerate it either just because the assailant is a teenager.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 20:08

"Their hands are possibly tied. They cannot do anything but exclude"

"they have to contact social services"

The school should hace put a CAF (Common Assessment Framework) in place for this girl, as i said earlier.

The girl and her family can be spoken to by the police without her having to face a charge, this would build a picture, measures would be put in place and later if things deteriorate SS will become involved, as she will be a 'Child in Need', services can come via the CAF at first without full involvement from SS.

The OP could have instigated this by contacting the police. Under 'working together' this would then start the process.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 20:11

"Calling the police wouldn't have helped her at all".

The system has completely changed now, violence isn't accepted in school, i would say that this girl could become a target as others will now what buttons to push to get her to react, great if you don't want to sit through Maths (wind her up and watch her go).

Better to get support in place now, it may even make things better at home.

electra · 08/10/2011 20:16

I agree it's assault.

Violence is never 'deserved' no matter what the circumstances.

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 09:25

I don't buy that teenage girls can be excused because of hormones. Do we excuse men, as an earlier post said, of domestic violence because of their testerone? I was never tempted to slap anyone as a teenager nor were my friends. It was unacceptable regardless of our hormones.

spiderpig8 · 09/10/2011 11:02

I really doubt the police would arrest her.At most give her a telling off , if they know the school are handling it.

Bledkr · 09/10/2011 11:14

Hang on,why is it u to want to know what actions have been taken when your child is assaulted?If you were slapped at work by a colleague what would you want to happen? This attitude is precisely why bullying is so prevelent in our schools.

Bledkr · 09/10/2011 11:16

birdsgottfly I doubt they will do a caf cos she slapped someone.

spiderpig8 · 09/10/2011 13:41

Bledkr-'Hang on,why is it u to want to know what actions have been taken when your child is assaulted?If you were slapped at work by a colleague what would you want to happen?'

Because the school legally has to exercise confidentiality about other peoples children.Employee-emplyer relationships are not comparable.

Bledkr · 09/10/2011 15:43

Maybe a bad example then but i still think its reasonable to want to know what has been done to ensure this doesnt happen again to the op's dd.The fact that if this did happen in the workplace/home/street it would be viewed as more serious than at school which i feel does allow bullying to continue to be such a big problem. Many including the justice system used to view dv in the same way,school bulying is serious and should be treated as such for both the victim and the bully.

ragged · 09/10/2011 16:03

The only positive outcome I can see from getting police involved is the possibility of restorative justice, which is the kind of outcome police favour for this type of incident, anyway. The thing about RJ is that ALL SIDES get to say their piece about what happened and how they feel about it.
It can be helpful in that OP's DD has to return to the school & see this girl regularly (I presume). RJ could be very helpful to enable both girls put the incident behind them and not carry bad feelings forward.

I don't know about "deserved", but there are cases when violence is very justifiable, in cases of self-defence, for instance.

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