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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit downhearted that men always seem to prefer my sister?

57 replies

theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 09:17

Bit of background. She is a 2 years younger and married. I am divorced but in a good place with that, quite like being single really. Neither of us have dc.

We go out together quite a bit and I would say we are probably of equal attractiveness. I love her to absolute bits. When we go out she is quite flirty and doesn't always volunteer that she is married, which if fair enough, up to her. I just find though that if we ever start chatting to anyone, they always seem to prefer her. I will be doing fine until she joins in and then without fail attention will turn to her.

Me and a couple of mates went out a few nights out, just a quiet drink and I got talking to someone, he took my number and all was good, dsis arrived and it became clear he was more interested in her, he hasn't called me but has found her out on FB and messaged her.

Sadly this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened and it all feels a bit crap really.

OP posts:
OriginalGhoster · 08/10/2011 10:02

You are saying you are not interested in a relationship, you quite like being single. but you want to be chatted up and have your number taken.

You sound in two minds about what you want, to remain single, or to be phoned up or fb ed by men. You're holding back when talking to these men because of this. Your divorce may be playing a part, your experience with your ex will be colouring your view of future relationships, perhaps making you more cautious?

Your sister is just chatting to these men, enjoying the boost to her confidence, safe in the knowledge that she can say she's married if they try to ask her out.

You are attractive, you said so yourself, so try to not worry and compare yourself. You are close to your sister, try and talk about this with her. When you are ready for a relationship, you will be giving out the right signals and things will start to happen.

Oggy · 08/10/2011 10:05

I guess it would be telling to know whether this is something that you have always felt about you and your sister or whether this is something new since you have been single and she has been married.

Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:06

Loads of really good advice here actually, lots to consider. I don't want a LTR, that is true but I do like the flirty, numbers exchanging, that kind of thing. Probably does make me appear a bit more complicated than her.

Like the idea of her as my own personal filter!

OP posts:
Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:07

oggy it has always been like this, since we started going together in our teens.

OP posts:
Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:10

And to be quite honest, going deep now, always at home as well, she was my Dads favourite and used to get a lot of attention from visitors and other family members as she was a really gorgeous child.

OP posts:
OriginalGhoster · 08/10/2011 10:14

Dad's favourite

Dad's should not have favourites, that must have felt hard for you as a childSad

My dad used to embarrass me and my sister by going on about how lovely we both were, I hated it at the time, but it was probably good for my confidence.

Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:20

Well I think it was because she was littler and cuter and looked like him I suppose. I never felt that he had that much to say to me or that much time for me though I do know he loved me. I suppose I still feel like that now. He is very animated when he talks about her and her doings but barely has a word for me. He always said I was my Mum's girl and preferred her. I feel a bit choked typing all this actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:21

bloody hell the things that come out on Mumsnet! Grin

OP posts:
stripeybump · 08/10/2011 10:26

Is she competitive with you? Might she be used to being the attractive one and you're used to being the less attractive one, so you're both unconsciously playing the roles from your childhood?

I wouldn't go out on the pull with her if it's affecting your self-esteem this much - stick to going out with mates.

OriginalGhoster · 08/10/2011 10:28

It's good to talk Grin

If you can see that your dad's parenting style was a bit misguided, (although he was probably just doing his best at the time) then you can see that there is not any truth in the family myth that she is more attractive. She was the baby and he was flattered by the likeness, that's all.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2011 10:30

Yes, stripeybump, I was thinking that. Has she always been competitive? That's what seems to be going on here. What is she like with your female friends? Does she want them to prefer her?

And I wouldn't go out with anyone if all the men were hanging round her! What's the point?

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2011 10:34

Something else I was going to ask - does she home in on the men you like? So this man in the OP, did she put the full beam of her attention on him once you'd got his attention?

Oh sorry, just re-read OP and can see she hadn't arrived by then. But does she have a habit of doing that with others?

Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:51

Well there was one particular occasion where I was with someone I had seen a couple of times, though nothing really had happened, I went to the ladies and when I came out she and he had disappeared, went home together. She said afterwards that she hadn't realised I liked him. This was years ago before she was married.

She tends not to like my female friends very much. And if I am honest I have seen her look uptight very, very occasionally if say I have had my hair done and its looking good or something, but this is something we talk and laugh about, not too much, but we do acknowledge seeing each other as competition though. But to be honest the way I see it there is NO competition because she always wins.

OP posts:
Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 10:53

I think most definitely there has always been an awareness that she was the prettier one, this has been played out in the family too. I was a very, very plain teenager and sort of blossomed in my mid twenties, whereas she was a cute, baby/toddler, pretty child, gorgeous teenager and now very attractive woman.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 08/10/2011 10:55

Sounds like your sister simply plays the flirting game better... and in bars, that's the game that's played. As far as being attractive is concerned, you're probably closer that you think, she just plays the game.

Just don't keep inviting her along with you every time, and have fun.

My best mate is a far better dancer than me, I find I can't actually dance when she's around, so I go out without her sometimes!

aldiwhore · 08/10/2011 11:00

And I agree with others, its sounds like SHE has teh issue you with YOU, she sounds a bit jealous? Nothing wrong with healthy competition but c'mon, she that passive agressive 'I didn't realise you liked him' bollocks, don't buy it! She knows exactly what she's doing and its wrong.

She's probably a diamond in other areas but her behaviour is pretty atrocious. I bet she always apologises and says 'I didn't realise'.

She probably sees you as the attractive one when she's always been TOLD that she is. She sees the men who are interested in you and swoops, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if she lacks the outward self confidence that she thinks you have.

PigletJohn · 08/10/2011 11:12

ggirl Sat 08-Oct-11 09:35:14
"Men are terrified of being rejected."

Only men?

Faffalina · 08/10/2011 11:21

She's probably coming across as chilled out and taking the piss out of the guys rather than trying to impress.

Is she more of a man's woman than you (maybe because of her relationship with your dad)? Maybe you have more female friends and relate to women better than she does?

Either way, I bet they don't all prefer her! I have two sisters and have found that we all have different taste in men, and get approached in different ways. Maybe you would meet people more to your taste in a different setting.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2011 12:08

I wonder whether she's jealous of you being single - even though she might love her husband, she might you as being the one with potential now. She can never be too sure who you're going to bag, can she?

If you do want to meet someone, I'd go out without her. I don't think she will be able to help herself from making a play for him.

Interesting that when you were 'with someone' she responded by leaving with him whilst you weren't there. She must have really pulled all the stops out. A nice sister would have spent that time that you were in the toilets telling him how great you were, not making him an offer he couldn't refuse.

When you do meet someone, I'd leave it a while before introducing him to her. Before you do, talk to him about her (not stressing her beauty) but saying how important it is to her that everyone prefers her. Say she can't help it - she has a pathological desire to be desired above all others. If you can turn it into a joke, he will see her for what she is.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2011 12:09

Faffalina, I disagree - it seems important to her sister that people prefer her.

havinhoops1974 · 08/10/2011 12:24

The fact men look at you means you are attractive and you will find someone chin up,

The fact she is openly flirtatious with men and doesnt tell them shes married, and the messages them on FB? not a paragon of integrity tbh, you are the better person

Original poster
theratherplainersister · 08/10/2011 13:25

Thanks for all your replies, been thinking about this a lot while I was out this morning.

The guy she went home with that time was very good looking and funny and she swooped on him really quickly. It was the fact that she didn't even tell me she was leaving with him, surely if it was all so innocent, she would have come and told me what she was doing. I was looking for them both when I came out and my other friends told me she had left with him. I was gutted actually, more because of her obviously sneaking off.

I do think that there is a definite element of I am the pretty one (ie her) as when I have introduced her to men before that I am seeing she does the chatty bit with them, not obviously flirting as such, if they are good looking but is almost as if she relaxes when they are not that nice looking. I don't tend to go for the gorgeous ones btw, if a man can make me laugh and seems switched on the rest doesn't really matter. Although, I have to admit would never introduce her to a very good looking and charismatic partner that I might have who I was not 100% sure of as I don't think she would be able to help herself.

Imperial Blether I would never introduce her to a man that I hadn't already had that chat with (which is telling in itself I suppose) and as I said before I have actually had some real confusion from them afterwards as in "I thought you said she was really pretty, you are much nicer than her", which is lovely to hear.

I am actually feeling really bad typing all this because I do love her so much and she can be so lovely and supportive.

I think maybe i should suggest that her dh starts coming out with us Grin! Might be my only hope.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 08/10/2011 13:36

"And we do actually bounce off each other very well. We have a very similar sense of humour, no one makes me laugh like she does and the night only gets better when she turns up. Probably right about the body language changing due to confidence slipping but it wasnt something I was aware of"

my best friend and i get on very much like this. i have a far better time when she is there. and we do bounce off one another but i am very aware of the fact that she is younger, more attractive, more confident, (childless), and more able to relate to single men than i am. (i feel very out of touch since having children)

but i realised something when i was out recently without her. I get my confidence from her! when i'm out without her i dont have anywhere near as good a time or speak to as many people but with her i take my energy from her and off we go.

would this be something you could try? try mirroring your sister's behaviour, body language, facial expressions. how does she open conversations? what does she do to keep momentum going if it goes a bit quiet? if you spoke to your sister would she help you work on your body language, confidence etc?

also bear in mind that although you are sisters, you are also two very different people and someone who is interested in her, may not be the type of person you would like for yourself. start looking out for the type of people you like and emphasise the parts of your character that are different from your sister. those unique things that she doesn't have so that if someone really likes you, they wont be interested in your sister.

runningwilde · 08/10/2011 13:37

If I was your sister's dh I would be really pissed off with her behaviour and think the way she acts - trying to hide that she is married, flirting and adding random guys she met on a night out to her fb - as it is very underhand

Does she flirt with guys you are talking to? She doesn't sound very nice tbh

ShroudOfHamsters · 08/10/2011 13:47

You answered your question in your first post - she flirts!

Just more than you do, more obviously than you do. That's probably all there is in it.

Have to say that her behaviour doesn't sound great, OP - yes, why don't you suggest that her DH comes out with you? Sounds as if that might be a good idea...

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