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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel odd that DD called me mama?

61 replies

tapemetothepost · 08/10/2011 00:06

DD called my 'mama' today - like properly, meaning me.

I'm her guardian

AIBU to be really freaked out and not know what to do?
If anyone asks she is my DD but I have never referred to myself as 'mama/mammy/mam' to her
I know I'm doing that role but her mam is someone else - my best friend to be exact.

I just... I feel odd about it. AIBU to feel odd about it? like I'm betraying BF?

OP posts:

mumeeee · 08/10/2011 09:05

I'm so sorry about your best friend. But you aren't betraying her if DD calls you Mama. It just shows that DD loves you and you are obviously a lovely friend. You are doing what's right for DD and BF.

AlpinePony · 08/10/2011 09:05

Yabu, you are her mother and I trust you are raising her as your daughter and not placing barriers between you.

themightyskim · 08/10/2011 09:09

Your not betraying anyone your friend wanted you to raise her, so long as she knows that she has two mummies then there is nothing at all wrong with that - its just about the biggest shout of approval you can get from a little one

BOOareHaunting · 08/10/2011 09:21

I agree with everyone.

You are raising her and therefore are her Mum. I'm sorry for both you and DD's loss with your friend passing away.

DD will see you as her primary carer the one who's raised her, loved her and given her warmth and most importantly food! You can talk to her about her mummy who had her in her tummy, show her photos etc. Children however will make up there own minds about things and it seems you are 'mama'. I love the idea uothread about you being mama and her birth mum 'mum'.

Your friend wanted you to be DD's mum and it seems so does DD.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2011 09:24

Of course you are her mother now. Are you planning to adopt her?

TidyDancer · 08/10/2011 09:31

Oh this is so sweet. You are clearly doing a wonderful job with your DD and she is lucky to have you. Please don't feel uncomfortable with her calling you that, she needs a mummy and you're doing a great job being one to her.

shaz298 · 08/10/2011 09:31

Sorry that you lost your best friend, but what a huge heart you have.

I agree with what everyone else has said in that your DD will see you as mum and will refer to you accordingly. That doesn't mean that her birth mum (tummy mummy) disappears or means any less.

You are doing a wonderful thing for your DD and your BF by becoming this little one's 'mum'. Be proud of what you are doing and enjoy every moment of the love that you are given. Your friend obviously had immense trust in you and wanted her daughter to be with you.

Hugs xxx

ScaredTEECat · 08/10/2011 09:33

I agree with everyone else. She loves you and needs to have a Mama. When she gets older you can tell her about her other Mama as well.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2011 09:37

But you are much more than just her guardian. As she has told you, you are her mama.

confusedpixie · 08/10/2011 09:49

That's so lovely, I agree with everybody else in that your BF would want her DD to have a mama to care for her :) You must be a brilliant person to be doing this for your BF :)

DeWe · 08/10/2011 11:30

When I nannied the little boy I looked after called me "Mum-mum" when we were out. If we were home he called me by name. I always said that it was a job description to make it clear to others he was with me.

NinjaSlipper · 08/10/2011 11:34

How lovely.

Am especially sensitive to this as my neighbour has just passed away leaving her 2 year old son behind :(

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 08/10/2011 11:40

I never usually read these but clicked on it on a whim and am also now feeling rather unusually sentimental. What an amazing person you are to be a mama to your best friend's DD (as that is what you are). I completely understand that it's daunting and overwhelming to have her call you that, but it's natural for her. It's how she thinks of you - her mama.

Good for you and hope everything goes as well as it can be. And I'm so sorry about your friend.

Trills · 08/10/2011 11:44

Oh that's lovely.

I don't think you should feel strange about her calling you mama, and I think you can call yourself mama/mum/mummy if you would like to.

My dad died when I was a baby and so I call my stepdad "Dad" because he's always been there. It's really not very confusing to explain to a child when they are old enough to understand that they have more than one mum or more than one dad.

(I'm a hard-faced bitch so I'm not crying, but if I were a big softy like most MNers I would be :) )

ShellyBoobs · 08/10/2011 11:58

Another usually hard-faced MNer here who's now sniffing.

I can understand that it might feel uncomfortable to be referred to as 'mama' but the little one needs a mum and it's you...

I suppose she must have learned to call you mama from othher little ones referring to their mum in that way so I think it would be a little cruel to stop her referring to you like this. I mean, how can you tell a 1 y/o that she doesn't have a mum.

Anyway, have some and congratulate yourself on doing something so selfless and loving for your BF.

bubby64 · 08/10/2011 12:11

I totally agree with all the other posters, OP, you sound a wonderful, caring person, and you and your DD deserve to be mama and daughter, she can find out about her "tummy mummy" when she is old enough to understand. I am sure she will appreciate you even more then. to you.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2011 12:12

How do you refer to yourself? Do you say "Come to mummy, baby" or do you say "Come to tapeme, baby"?

NoobyNoob · 08/10/2011 16:46

Your BF would be proud of you, and you should be very proud of yourself for raising her like your own DD.

You sound like you're doing a wonderful job, she loves you and to her, you are her mummy.

gethelp · 08/10/2011 17:04

What a lovely lovely thread. For Mothers, daughters and best friends. X

MrHeadlessMan · 08/10/2011 17:07

Don't freak out. Just accept it.

YABU though for being so lovely and making me get all sentimental though

nokissymum · 08/10/2011 17:17

Oh my eyes are all blurry, really, that is lovely op, just lovely, please enjoy it continue doing whatever you are doing, you are her mum now on earth, and you already call her DD

nokissymum · 08/10/2011 17:19

By the way, do you have any biological children of your own ? If you do i was going to ask how do they react to that and do they all love her too ?

MotherOfSuburbia · 08/10/2011 18:07

My MIL brought my SIL up after her mother died a couple of weeks after childbirth. My DH and my SIL are only 3 months apart and were basically brought up as twins. My SIL always called my MIL 'Mum' and she had a 'Dad' and a 'Father'. It all worked out beautifully with both families remaining very close.

I'm sure you will make a fabulous mother to your dd and I think her calling you 'mama' is natural and lovely.

Original poster

tapemetothepost · 08/10/2011 23:51

Thank you - think I just needed someone not invested to tell me that it was okay.

Imperial Normally I refer to myself by my nn - but others (some friends, people in groups, have called me mammy/mummy) and It has crossed my mind very very quickly (re adoption) but this year has been mad ...

turkey yes been looking after DD since she passed away (she got ill while pregant and wrote a will at about 7mnths making me guardian to DD)

nokissymum no I have no bio children (yet)

Don't have contact with BF family (as she didn't - her choice and I want to respect that) apart from her kid brother who has just started uni. In some ways I wonder how he will react but then he's a lovely 18yo...

Thank you all for your lovely comments
and my heart goes out to your neighbours family and her son Ninja

OP posts:

Morloth · 08/10/2011 23:56

I think children need someone to call Mama. It is so important for them to have that bedrock to build their lives on.

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