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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not known it would be this bloody hard?

55 replies

Stressedandupset · 07/10/2011 18:24

I've got an 8 week old ds and I know I should be over the moon but I am sat here in tears. He's such a grumpy baby, unless he's feeding or sleeping he's crying. Which means I get hardly any eye contact, no smiles, no real interaction. It makes me so sad and feel like I've got no connection with him. He certainly doesn't seem to prefer me to anyone else. I am really trying to be smiley and enthusiastic and upbeat in the rare moments when he's in the mood but they are so few and far between. Everyone keeps saying 'when he smiles, that'll make it all worthwhile' but he just isn't doing that. Poor little mite, I just don't know why he's so unhappy all the time. I feel like such a fucking failure.

OP posts:

cadelaide · 07/10/2011 18:27

Don't despair, it took me 4 months to "bond" (whatever that means) with my first.

It'll come, in the meantime just carry on doing as you are and be kind to yourself. Some babies are just miserable, it's not your fault, but it will become rewarding, and probably sooner than you think.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2011 18:29

YANBU... A lot of new mums find the first few months hard work and you don't have to have PND to feel that motherhood is not what they promised in the glossy catalogue. But this is why we get allocated Health Visitors and similar. If he really does nothing but cry it could be that he has a problem... tummy ache, for example. Go along and see your HV, be honest about how you're feeling and ask for some advice and help. Good luck

thisisyesterday · 07/10/2011 18:29

hiya stressed. 8 weeks is the peak time for colic, so you might find that his crying starts to reduce a little from now on in.

is he breastfed? cos my very unhappy breastfed baby was reacting to egg and dairy in my diet, so if he is then it might be worth keeping a food diary and seeing if there is anyhting that might be making him worse?

Sirzy · 07/10/2011 18:30

The fact your tired won't help with how you feel. Is there anyone who can look after him for you between feeds so you can get some sleep?

Make the most of any offers of help for cooking, cleaning etc aswell

tasmaniandevilchaser · 07/10/2011 18:30

That does sound hard, is is worth getting him checked out by the GP, maybe for reflux? It does get better.

valiumredhead · 07/10/2011 18:30

Took me 3 months with ds - I know how you feel. Keep going through the motions and reminding yourself YOU are the BEST mum your baby has and he ONLY wants you :)

rhondajean · 07/10/2011 18:31

Aw bless, there is this myth that motherhood is wonderful and fills our days with meaning and wonder, its bunkum.

They are cute when they are small and asleep and the accessories are fabulous, but to be honest, they smell a lot of the time and give very very little back.

At 18 months, you will be worn out for other reasons but they are sooooo much fun.

Neither of mines cried all that much, but still, they arent very interactive. I think we are forced into expecting too much of motherhood and ourselves at every step to be honest.

backwardpossom · 07/10/2011 18:31

I could have written that post 2 years ago. It gets better, I promise x

RhinestoneCowgirl · 07/10/2011 18:33

Those early weeks and months can be really tough. DC1 wasn't a particularly grumpy baby but I was completely knocked sideways by the repetitive feeding/puking/changing cycle. And I wept a lot that first year.

Make sure you talk to those around you about how you're feeling. Even someone taking the baby out for a hour while you have a bath/nap/read a book is really helpful.

It does get better :)

Original poster

Stressedandupset · 07/10/2011 18:33

Thank you all for replying. Made me cry again.

He's had cranial osteopathy already for colic and I thought he was better. I don't know HOW i came to the conclusion given his crying. I am more scared at the no eye contact, I keep imagining he has autism and that's why he doesn't seem to like me or being cuddled.

I feel like I'm drowning. but worse than that, I feel like I'm letting him down.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 07/10/2011 18:34

Some babies are just grumpy.

But they usually have a reason for being grumpy.

Babies don't cry unless there is something wrong.

Colic? Over tired? Bored? Was it a difficult birth/cesarean?

You aren't a failure, you just weren't presented with a sunny, care free baby.

LynetteScavo · 07/10/2011 18:36

I'm glad to hear he's had cranial osteopathy.

Swaddle, him. Give him something to suck on. Make sure he isn't over tired.

Do you get any eye contact from him at all?

thisisyesterday · 07/10/2011 18:37

babies aren't great at eye contact, don't worry!

Original poster

Stressedandupset · 07/10/2011 18:39

Not a lot of eye contact, no. More in the evenings, there's about a 30minute window where he'll be quite responsive (sorry to say that's over for tonight)

OP posts:

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 07/10/2011 18:42

Id recommend a very snug swaddle, dummy in and shoved placed kindly into a boucer seat. Make yourself a cup of tea, sit with your foot jigging the bouncer chair and watch your LO calm into a snuggly cutesy bundle of happiness.

Dont worry that he is not besotted with you, not two months ago he wasnt even born...he's got a heck of a lot to get used to, and you are one of them. It will come in time.

GiantUnderCrackers · 07/10/2011 18:44

It is hard. I personally think the first 2-3 months re the hardest and then you start to feel far more in control and in charge of everything. Meddling comments from well meaning people don't help either - stick with your gut instinct. You are not a failure! The early days are really tiring. My DD is now nearly 5 months old and I only now feel like a different person. It does get easier I promise and you are not the only one who feels the way you do. I took my DD to a cranial osteopath and at first really didn't see a difference but it worked so maybe give it a chance. Having other new mums to talk to also helps - do you have an NCT group or similar? It does get better - it really does.

gingerbubs · 07/10/2011 18:45

I really could have written your post word for word 4 months ago. My dd (first baby) was a nightmare, screamed all the time and it peaked about 8 weeks. She had reflux and once we got on top of that with medication and positioning etc it got much better but who knows if it would-be got better at that point anyway. I hadn't expected it to be easy, but I did expect to overall enjoy being a mummy and i didn't until about 3-4 months. Loved her to bots from the start but wasn't enjoying it. Things are so much better now and continuing to improve as she can do more and is becoming more interactive. I like the theory that babies who cry a lot are actually mega intelligent and just frustrated that they can't do the things they want to do yet
It honestly will get so much better very soon. Hang in there!

happyhorse · 07/10/2011 18:46

It is bloody hard at first. I couldn't believe I had willingly traded in my old, easy way of life for the hell that is life with a tiny baby. Everyone will tell you that it will get better and you'll get sick of hearing it - but they're right, it will.

BoffinMum · 07/10/2011 18:46

TBH some babies are just difficult and in such cases it can be a good idea to get someone in to do a bit of childcare for a couple of mornings a week to help you over the worst. It does get better later on. It has nothing to do with your parenting - it's just how they come out.

BoffinMum · 07/10/2011 18:47

Postnatal doula??

Peachy · 07/10/2011 18:48

Please don't worry about autism, bnabies have poor eyesight I believe and it's way too early to worry about that (I speak as mum of 3 with ASD and someone studying ASD at post grad level). Eye contact isn't even a diagnostic trait in ASD really, that's an old wive's tale, it's just quite common in the group IYSWIM.

Keep a food diary, but I thinki a chat with the HV is in order. For a start the feeling of drowning could indicate PND but if not she is the person who is PAID to help you through these bloody hard first months.

Original poster

Stressedandupset · 07/10/2011 18:48

It really isn't the crying so much, though it upsets me that he's upset. It's the smiling and eye contact... am i reading too much into it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Stressedandupset · 07/10/2011 18:49

Oh, i just saw your post Peachy - thank you for that. I will see the hv as soon as I can

OP posts:

BettyDrapersWardrobeElf · 07/10/2011 18:49

You are describing EXACTLY how I felt when my DS was 8 weeks. I remember going to the docs cos he had cried continuously from 11am till 9pm the previous day and I was at my wits end. He was slow to smile, slow to make eye contact - I was convinced he was autistic/had sight problems (new Mum alert)! I felt like i was just going through the motions and felt like a totally crap mum cos i didn't really LIKE my baby that much! The doctor held him while he screamed in her face and I sobbed on her and said it seemed like he had colic. She told me to get some colief from the chemist to put in his milk - it took 2-3 days to work ( I was bfing and had to express about an ounce, then dose the expressed milk with the colief and feed him that from a bottle, then feed him as normal. Total pain in the arse, but it did work. He got gradually better and by 3 months he was a different child. He's now 11 months and is the smiliest, sunniest natured little boy. Just stick with it, this really was the worst bit for me, it DOES get better! I did also have a bit of help by way of some low dose antidepressants, which helped massively and I was able to come off them around 2 months ago.

I didn't really properly bond with my DS till he was about 4 months. I love him more than anything now and love spending time with him.

I don't think anyone really has any idea what it's like - if you knew you would probably think twice about doing it. Do go to the docs and talk about it cos it may be something they can help with.

LetTheSlaughterBeGincognito · 07/10/2011 18:51

Bloody hell no, YANBU. The first three months are awful. They really are. I can't count the number of times I wanted to leave ds under a bush.

It may be that you are feeling down because you have a grumpy baby who doesn't give anything back yet (purely situational). It may also be that you have pnd and would benefit from a chat with your GP.

It may, as it was in my case, that you have both a screamer and some depression, in which case some help, and the passage of time, will help you feel better, I promise. My ds is nearly a year old now and is a smiley, happy boy.

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