To have not known it would be this bloody hard?

[Stressedandupset]

I've got an 8 week old ds and I know I should be over the moon but I am sat here in tears. He's such a grumpy baby, unless he's feeding or sleeping he's crying. Which means I get hardly any eye contact, no smiles, no real interaction. It makes me so sad and feel like I've got no connection with him. He certainly doesn't seem to prefer me to anyone else. I am really trying to be smiley and enthusiastic and upbeat in the rare moments when he's in the mood but they are so few and far between. Everyone keeps saying 'when he smiles, that'll make it all worthwhile' but he just isn't doing that. Poor little mite, I just don't know why he's so unhappy all the time. I feel like such a fucking failure.

Many babies do not smile until 3 months so yes: it's one of those things that varies wildly.

Nobody can pick up ASD in a baby of 8 weeks, it just is not possible. Nobody can rule it out either but if it were that there'd be plenty of time to worry later on, even then ASD an be incredibly mild and far from the stereotypical image.

I reckon if anything was wrong there'd be a much higher chance of it being a need for glasses than ASD but if you are worried you must speak to your HV or GP.

Mine haven't had colic, thank god, but some of my friends have experienced this and I have tried to help. It is really very difficult getting these babies to settle and even though I am a mum of four and have a lot of experience, I couldn't do it either. So I repeat, it really isn't you, and it will pass, but it's legitimate to feel frustrated and useless about it all now because any sensible person would.

P.s. My HVs were no help whatsoever which is why I ended up at my GPs (who is wonderful). The HVs basically ignored me and told me it was just hard at the beginning - yes I know! They also referred me to the GP every time I asked a question so I just ended up bypassing them! Hope yours are better, but if not, get to the docs!

Stressed I could have written your post 4 months ago. My Ds is now 6 months and is a happy, smiling, gurgling little chap (well most of the time anyway!) but rewind to 8 weeks old, and good god he literally cried pretty much all the time. I was totally worn out by trying to work out why he was crying. The only time he didn't cry in the evenings was when he was plugged in to my boobs! Swaddling helped, but he wouldn't take a dummy and wouldn't go in his bouncy chair without even more screaming. He was so different to his older sister who would happily suck on a dummy and liked to be bounced and rocked.

However, at about 12/13 weeks old he seemed to change overnight into a happy, content baby. We didn't do anything different, he literally just changed and I really have no idea why. I previously didn't believe in colic but he pretty much fit the classic stereotypical colicky baby. You are not letting him down, and it will get easier. Its also really important that you get a break from the crying, even if its just for half an hour in the evening when you hand him over to your DH and have a bath. (I used to hand DS to my DH, put earplugs in and lock the bathroom door just so I couldn't hear the screaming whilst I had a bath!)

They can't focus very well at this age, which is why he won't be making eye contact. Please don't worry. He doesn't even realise that he is human like you at the moment and certainly won't have any idea that you are seeing him through your eyes and that looking there is his best chance of communicating (other than crying of course!)

I remember that looking after DS in the early days felt very much like looking after a very small and helpless animal, rather than a little person.

However if you really are feeling low this much of the time it could be possible you have PND. It's worth doing the Edinburgh test if you haven't already - it only takes a few seconds.

I agree with the other suggestions about trying to talk to other new mums. If there are any "Bumps and babies" or "Early days" or other groups for very new mums locally (babies under 6 months) they can be invaluable because nobody minds if your baby cries constantly, everyone else looks as shellshocked as you, nobody expects you to look perfect or be able to converse about much more than feeding and sleeping (though of course you can talk about other things!) If you don't know whether there are any, you could ask your health visitor, or try phoning your local NCT branch. Some NCT branches run small coffee mornings based in peoples' homes where they will match you with a group of mums with babies the same age, so it's the same group every week and you form a relationship with them more easily.

It's perfectly normal for them not to be smiling or making much contact with you at 8 weeks - as someone else said, it's not how it's sold to you in the glossy mummy brochures!

HV's vary widely - some are a danger to society! I would go back to the osteopath, they can do wonders!

With the crying - try holding him up in front of a plain wall - most babies find it quite soothing :)

Hang in there, another couple of weeks and hopefully you'll have the baby out of the glossy mag

You could be me 2 years ago. DD had colic and reflux and my life was nothing but holding and feeding a screaming child who did nothing but throw up on me.She barely slept and I felt like throwing myself and her off a bridge at times even though luckily (or unluckily) my friend had been going through the same thing with her DS who is 7 months older so I was prepared for how shit the first 3 months could be, So i think that helped. If I'd been expecting a lovely snuggly 'good' baby I would have lost it completely.

Here's what helped me

1. a swing, the only thing she would sleep in 2)Coleif, a faff to get it right to begin with but it worked
2. Deep warm baths with a few drops of lavender oil, I went in as well (DH would take her out, I would the put my mp3 on to drown out the crying) 4)Get someone to take him for a walk in the pram so you get at least a little bit of crying free time

IT WILL PASS, I know it does'nt feel like it at the moment OP, I really do, but it does. You have my sympathies, I hope things improve very soon.

If the wall doesn't help, ds2 (a whinger then and 10.5 years on- still a whinger!) used to settle hapy as anything if we put him in front of the tumble drier switched on, white noise is very popular with babies.

But seriously, whether HV, GP or your Mum- a feeling of drowning warrants being checked for PND. never worth ignoring any warning signs because early help can make a massive difference to how much of your baby's early months you get to enjoy.

OTOH if it's not PND you've lost nothing.

8wks? very early in the game. I found the first 4m hard. When they start to look at you it gets better.

Hang on in there OP, it DOES get better. My DS didn't sleep for any more than 20 mins at a time for the first month, then we got him on bottles and he slept, so it got better, but still only marginally. I recall at about 3 or 4 months, just as his features started to form, it got better, there was gurgling, smiling and stuff.

I'm about as myopic as a 2 month old baby. I can't make eye contact if I don't have my lenses in because I can't see anyones eyes.

As far as I can make out, human babies are born about 3 months too early because the human pelvis is very narrow and the human head is particularly large, and therefore the first three months are horrible for them because they're not really ready to be born, and very tough for the parents as well. They're in a phase of just getting bigger and stronger and getting ready to be a "real" baby, which kicks in about 3 months. There's a lot of unrealistic stuff out there about how the first few months should be and what you should be doing for your kid, some of which really puts undue pressure on new mothers. If it's making you feel guilty, ignore it :it's a really tough stage and if your baby and you both get through it more or less OK, then you've done a good job in difficult circumstances, anything more is a bonus. Make sure you get as much sleep as is possible, and be kind to yourself.

And good luck! It should all be getting easier from now on.

Stressed, for the first three months of DD's life I "joked" about selling her on eBay and would happily have relived my gruelling labour every other day if in exchange I could have slept. Looking back she was a squalling ball of horror and I have never dreaded anything like those long nights of crying. She had dreadful colic and I wish I had sought proper treatment rather than pissing around with infacol but I was so shocked and horrified by my bundle of joy I hadn't the wit to do it.

Basically, what you feel is normal for so many people. Things improved when she got to about 3 months and by 6 months she was brilliant. She didn't smile or want to be touched cause she was in pain and exhausted. When the colic eased her sleep improved and she was a different girl.

I had quite a few predisposers for pnd and those combined with my feelings of utter inadequacy that I was scared to be alone with her meant I got it. It eased slightly but when I found myself expecting ds I ended up with pre nd and am only now getting the treatment I needed 2.5 years ago.

I have so much guilt that I didn't seek treatment for both of us and I've missed out on a lot of bonding with my wonderful girl. Seek the treatment your wee one needs and speak to your hv if you are feeling negative about your parenting abilities as this may be the beginning of something you really don't want.

Sorry for blarge of info. First time I've admitted to anyone except my dh/dm/Gp and counsellor that I'm depressed as I'm so ashamed of it. Recognise quite a lot in your post and just had to share.

Hi, please don't despair, I thought that about autism with my first baby - they honestly don't make eye contact till I think about 3 months, before that it's like they just look past you. Please don't worry. He knows you're his mum by your smell and voice and believe me, you're his favourite person even if you don't realise it. The first few weeks are the hardest, just try to focus on the good bits as it really does pass so fast and soon the difficult times of constant crying and feeding will just be a memory, I promise. You're doing brilliantly.xx

I promise you, you will look at your baby when he is 6 months old and hardly remember what he was like when he was 8 weeks. I held a 13 week old baby today at toddler group and it really shocked me how unresponsive he was. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him, it's just that babies of that age are incredibly tiny and very early on in their development. They're not really able to manage their little bodies and they're basically floppy demanding little eating/sleeping/pooing machines. Recently I looked at a video of my son when he was about your son's age and it sort of sent a shiver through me - the unfocussed eyes, the floppy hands. He was cute, of course, but a totally different boy to the smiling, boisterous, shouty, crawling 9 month old I have now.

Getting through the first few months is just a matter of survival really. I saw myself as more of a caretaker of DS than anything - I didn't really expect much back from him, I just tended to his needs and got out of the house as much as possible. When he started getting more tuned in around 4/5 months I started getting much more involved with him, and now at 9 months he's a great laugh.

Your posts sound a little like you might be depressed. Watch out for that. Basically if you're feeling really hopeless about it all, feeling there's no way out or like there's no hope ahead then it might be time to see the GP.

It is tough going but it'll all get better, honest!

Cailin that's just reminded me of something I was told when DS was tiny. Our gestation period is very short for a mammal of our size. Our heads have evolved big, and our pelvises small due to our superior brains and habit of walking on two legs. So nature's solution: pop the babies out when they are likely to survive, but still not quite cooked. Unhelpfully, we didn't evolve pouches we could handily shove the baby in like kangaroos, though. So we are stuck with completely helpless babies until they grow into that massive head and tiny pelvis they have evolved with. If you think of the first 3 months as the "fourth trimester" it can really help with this.

I had my 5th baby 8 months ago after a 9 yr age gap.I was so looking forward to the cuddles and pushing my new pram about and dressing her up and enjoying my mat leave in the sunshine.
The realty was she had reflux wouldnt be put down and cried pretty much all the time,she also took hours to settle after her night feeds.I hardly went out cos she never stopped crying when led down and was even grumpy in the sling.Im ashamed to say i hated and resented every day and just wanted my life back.Meds for reflux helped but id also recommend-A swing-i got mine 2nd hand or a vibrating chair.Get out every day,try to get dressed,i felt worse in pjs,join some groups
especially a post natal thread on here,i have found that invaluable to compare babies and get support.I feel a lot better now and can enjoy her more but im shocked at how hard its been.
It is very normal not to get eye contact or smile,dd didnt snile untill really late about 3 months.good luck.

Before I had DS a friend of mine (who had had her second by this stage and went on to have a third, and is one of the best parents I know) admitted that if at any point in the first three months of her eldest child's life they'd had the option to say "Actually, this was a horrible mistake" and send him back then they would have done it without a second thought. It's really not an uncommon way to feel.

You might find The Fussy Baby Book helpful just in terms of making you feel less alone -- I know when DS was a baby and all my friends seemed to have "easy" babies I drew great consolation from opening it to almost any page and finding descriptions of babies who were just like him, together with promises from those who had been there and done that that it would get better/easier over time.

YANBU - you poor thing..

A swing for us was a godsend - also had an unhappy reflux baby and I failed miserably to bf him after a perfectly successful time with DS1.

It was horrible - just horrible, but the swing was fantastic. Not sure that I didn't rock his brain a bit as he was in it for hours but it saved our sanity.

He is 9 now and completely totally adorable

Thank you all so much. It's so nice (in the nicest possible way) to know other people are going through it. I really don't think I'm depressed, just stressed and worrying about my baby. But I will talk to the hv.

So much good advice and reassurance here, thank you.

I now have a large glass of wine and my husband is totally in charge of him until tomorrow morning - things are looking up!

Excellent! Enjoy a break - hollow words I know but I promise you it gets better.

What you are saying is normal for those of us without the sleep anywhere, relaxed babies.

Even those in my nct group who's babies I would consider 'normal' on the spectrum of dream baby to little tyke, have confessed that they never imagined it would be this hard and have days thinking what have we done.

Btw my DD is 4mo and has reflux from food intolerances so still never sleeps but every day we get so much from her that you just don't get in the first few months - it gets so much better so quickly when you get responses and they start doing things. Hang in there!

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying IT WILL GET BETTER. It will, it will, I promise you it will!

Glad to hear you are getting a break - you need to make sure you do take breaks regularly, recharge your batteries. Parenting a newborn is IMO one of the hardest and most undervalued jobs in the world. Thank goodness they grow up so fast!

I hear you. Try to relax around him, he may be picking up on your distress. When he starts becoming more aware of his surroundings he will take more notice.

(((((hugs)))))

Dont cry. You are not alone

I bonded with DC1 the minute she came out - she looked straight at me and didn't stop engaging for the next three years..

dc2 stressful birth, did not look at me... did not do much at all... no sense of connection... bonding started slowly at three months...motherhood 2nd time around much harder for that reason.

The Baby Whisperer book identifies different types of babies, and grumpy is one, and has tips to deal with it.

Also see your GP/HV about the constant crying - my first had reflux for the first four months and it was a lot better with medication.

Also you may have postnatal depression - not liking your baby and/or thinking they are rejecting you are symptoms. Get as much help as you can and don't expect an aha bonding moment.. it may take time but will be no less for that in the end..

good plan OP!

it does completely feel like that for the first few weeks. it really does get a lot better very soon. i completely felt like that both times for the first couple of months and then suddenly, it all started to come together.

good advice from the baby whisperer book BTW, i think it's a great book.