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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To become a single mother by choice?

38 replies

Nakhon · 07/10/2011 17:28

Background is this: I have one child. I had a very long term partner when he was conceived but by the time he was born my partner had decided fatherhood wasn't for him after all and after lots of abuse towards me legged it across the country, never to be seen again. He pays maintenance but has never wanted any contact with our son, who is now 4.
I would love my DS to have a sibling and have an overwhelming desire to add to our family before I get too old (Am mid 30s and have a family history of early menopause). I have dated men since XP but put too much emphasis on the baby stuff and not enough on a relationship! I just can't help it, I'm so broody.
I really don't know about the ethics of deliberately having a child who will not have a father in the conventional sense. Obviously it's not what I'd planned for DS but it happened anyway - and I fear the abuse that XP is capable of may damage DS in the future more than not having a father at all. I would never trick a man into fathering a child and i am unlikely to find a new partner now so a sperm donor seems the best option for a sibling for DS. What do you think?

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/10/2011 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HettyAmaretti · 07/10/2011 17:32

YANBU, it'll be hard on you but you know that already.

Seems like a wise decision to me.

zukiecat · 07/10/2011 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/10/2011 17:39

Go for it !!

headfairy · 07/10/2011 17:39

I was very when my friend did this, she was in a very similar situation to yours. Partner left etc. She was financially independent and could afford it without too much sacrifice. Her argument was "the best gift I can give my ds is a sibling to turn to when he's old and I'm no longer here". That made me almost shed a tear and I completely understood her reasoning from that point on. It was afterall one of my biggest reasons for having dd, so that ds wouldn't be alone once dh and I were gone.

If you can afford it, do it.

iMemoo · 07/10/2011 17:40

Yanbu, I would do it.

Fimblethimble · 07/10/2011 17:42

so would i, go for it and good luck

vixsatis · 07/10/2011 17:42

If you can afford it without relying on benefits, then it is nothing to do with the rest of us. It'll be v hard work but also lovely for your son to have a sibling

MrsBranning · 07/10/2011 17:43

If I were in your shoes, i would probably do the same.

Voidka · 07/10/2011 17:53

If you can afford it and you use the above plan they go for it.

The only time I would say not to is if you were going to trick someone into having a baby with you ( like a friend of mine did - slept around for a while until she got PG, both unsafe and deceitful)

LynetteScavo · 07/10/2011 17:58

YANBU.

My father provided for me financially (for which I'm grateful), but in no other way. If you can support the child then there is no reason not to add to your family. You would be giving your DS the best gift ever. (Although he will not realise this and may even feel quite annoyed about having a sibling )

stickylittlefingers · 07/10/2011 18:05

I think I might feel the same in your shoes, so YADNBU imo

stickylittlefingers · 07/10/2011 18:06

do you have family/friends who would support and help you (only ask because I hope you do, not that you're not allowed if you don't!)

Original poster

Nakhon · 07/10/2011 18:10

I'm interested in what people mean when they say 'if you can afford it', would you be able to elaborate please? I work and have my own income but I'm no high earner. I would claim child benefit and some tax credits as I do for my DS and with that we would be fine.
What about the genetic side of things? I can obviously tell my DS a lot about his father and his medical history etc but the info on a sperm donor is limited.
I think in my heart of hearts I know it's really what I want to do but I am worried about judgemental comments from those around me. Am really grateful for the positive responses so far. Thank you.

OP posts:

headfairy · 07/10/2011 18:13

child benefit and tax credits are fine I think, but I do think it would be irresponsible if you were totally on your uppers and heavily in debt, without your own home to even consider bringing a child in to those circumstances. I do realise people don't choose to be in those circumstances, but I think to knowingly have a baby (as opposed to an accidental pregnancy) when really struggling financially is really irresponsible.

I'm sure I'll get a flaming for that. But it's my opinion.

ohbabybaby · 07/10/2011 18:13

Do it! After all you know what it is like to raise a child on your own so you know what you are letting yourself in for, plus much better for your DS than to (consiously or otherwise) enter into an unsuitable relationship just to have another baby. I know it isn't ideal but then life rarely goes to plan anyway.

(And once you are no longer looking just for another baby when looking for new relationships you may find that you have more luck on that front too.)

Very very good luck!

MistyMountainHop · 07/10/2011 18:15

yanbu - i sort of became a single parent by choice, i knew it wasn't working with my ex but wanted a baby, i got pregnant with ds and within a few months has split up with ex. i knew we'd be fine on our own. and we were.

i am now married to someone else who happily took ds on (although he still sees his dad) and we have a dd of our own

no regrets at all. go for it.

squeakytoy · 07/10/2011 18:19

I have just read a book by Lisa Jewell called The Making of Us. It is fiction, but it is a very good read and also informative too about sperm donor rules etc.

The rules on anonymity have changed now, and it was a very interesting book.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 07/10/2011 18:22

If you can offer a happy life to another you should go for it. Irrespective of whether the sibling for DS is from a Sperm Donor, Foster Home, or Future Relationship.

Not having a partner in your life really is not a pre-requisite of being a good parent, as history has shown you, they are not guaranteed to remain. Therefore you should not need someone else in order to have another child.

Go for it, hold your head up high. We all come under scrutiny for something, somewhere along the line, might as well be something you feel so passionate about = makes it a little easier to fight your corner.

witherhills · 07/10/2011 18:22

I'd do it. In fact I think I might.

I have one DS and he's probably not going to have any siblings, which makes me want to cry
And I ache for another baby
But too old, oh and will be separating from dh, more to the point!
My situation would always be complicated by dh being around. If I was in your position I wouldn't hesitate

PetiteRaleuse · 07/10/2011 18:24

OP, YANBU. There are other ways too. There are men who would like to be a donor daddy and you wouldn't need to be in a relationship with them. They donate and then play a part in the child's life. I have a (gay) friend who chose to do this. It is all working out very well.

maristella · 07/10/2011 18:50

Absolutely everything that witherhills said apart from the 3rd line

If I don't find a partner I can settle down with in the next few years I will be going it alone again. I want DS to have a sibling so so much

grumplestilskin · 07/10/2011 18:52

I don't think YABU to become a single mother by choice

but don't buy the "doing it for DC1" line. Not at all. Its because the mother wants another child, call it what it is!

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/10/2011 18:53

I considered this before I met DP. There is a great book called 'Choosing single motherhood' by Mikki Morisette which might be worth a read.

Original poster

Nakhon · 07/10/2011 19:19

I do own my own home. Well, with a mortgage anyway. Which does concern me as if I lost my job I would find it hard to get a new one and would struggle with payments a bit. It was tough when my DS was very little but I think a lot of that was my abandonment ishoos rather than difficulties coping with a newborn. I bought in all the help I could, cleaner, gardener, doula etc and DS went to nursery when I went back to work part time after ML. My family would be emotionally supportive although my parents are a little too old to be of much practical help, but that's fine. Perhaps it's time to go for it then...

OP posts:

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