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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To become a single mother by choice?

38 replies

Nakhon · 07/10/2011 17:28

Background is this: I have one child. I had a very long term partner when he was conceived but by the time he was born my partner had decided fatherhood wasn't for him after all and after lots of abuse towards me legged it across the country, never to be seen again. He pays maintenance but has never wanted any contact with our son, who is now 4.
I would love my DS to have a sibling and have an overwhelming desire to add to our family before I get too old (Am mid 30s and have a family history of early menopause). I have dated men since XP but put too much emphasis on the baby stuff and not enough on a relationship! I just can't help it, I'm so broody.
I really don't know about the ethics of deliberately having a child who will not have a father in the conventional sense. Obviously it's not what I'd planned for DS but it happened anyway - and I fear the abuse that XP is capable of may damage DS in the future more than not having a father at all. I would never trick a man into fathering a child and i am unlikely to find a new partner now so a sperm donor seems the best option for a sibling for DS. What do you think?

OP posts:
Peachy · 07/10/2011 19:26

Had I ot met DH I'd have probably had all my kids like this, not a problem. Had set an arbitrary age and everything.

Go for it.

AisforAcorn · 07/10/2011 19:36

YANBU

You already know what life is like as a single parent and are obviously coping well with it so I say go for it!

MissPricklePants · 07/10/2011 19:38

op I have considered this myself. I can point you in the direction of a useful forum if you want?my dd is 28 months and im mid/late 20s but have a few medical probs and have been advised to ttc asap but obv can't cos i'm single and have been for over 2 years x

culturemulcher · 07/10/2011 19:44

You know exactly how hard / rewarding it is to bring up a child on your own. You're an expert. You don't want your child to be an only sibling. You've considered the options.

Normally I wouldn't advise anyone to have a child on their own unless they had oodles of back-up, but you've been there and you know you can cope.

Go for it, and good luck!

PointyBlackHat · 07/10/2011 20:36

Just go and do it, OP. As PetitRaleuse said, donor dads are also an option. A friend of mine has done this twice (with the same donor). He is a good friend, lives in the same building and takes an active fathering role. She too has been let down by men but always wanted children, she is self-sufficient, hard-working and a great, loving mum.

SuzysZoo · 07/10/2011 20:44

I'd say go for it. Check out the single women's thread on Fertility Friends which will tell you everything you need to know and provide support...

Roseflower · 07/10/2011 20:53

Well as you already are a single mother you do know the everyday in's and out's of parenting alone so on that front you would cope just fine.

In many way's your baby situation nwould not be in much of a different situation to your child now.

Good luck!

Daisy1986 · 07/10/2011 21:15

If I could afford to I would do it and I am only 25.

I love being a mum, and I like doing it on my own (although I dont know any different) and it makes me sad that I wont have another one for the foreseeable future.

mothmagnet · 07/10/2011 21:19

Yanbu,
what fimble said, go for it and good luck. I'd love to as well.

maristella · 07/10/2011 21:27

witherhills I meant the 4th line Blush

Op good luck! The world needs more wanted, loved people :)

baskingseals · 07/10/2011 21:53

totally agree with maristella

what does what other people think matter? honestly - it's your family and your life. really hope it works out for you.

NorfolkBroad · 07/10/2011 22:24

I did this for my dd. I had a DP at the time but she was up front about not wanting to be a mum and we split soon after DDs birth. I was a single mum for a few years and was absolutely fine with it. Weirdly I had always thought I might be so it didn't bother me at all.

The big issues for me were whether to have a known or unknown donor. In the end I chose a known donor (a friend) who did not want to be a full time parent and lived in a different part of the country but was happy to have contact and be known to dd. By and large it has worked out extremely well. Although "not having a real dad" (as her classmates have put it) has been more of an issue for my DD than i had expected. We have been able to deal with these feelings as they arose though and it is going very well, she is nearly 9.

When DD was 3 I met my new DP as it were and she adopted my DD. So we are both officially her parents. It has all worked out very well and I would say go for it. Obviously just think carefully about the consequences for yourself and your future DC of having a known or unknown donor and make sure that you are comfortable with them. Happy to chat more privately if you want to message about this.

oldraver · 07/10/2011 23:03

I did this 6 years ago. I had already been a single Mum for 6 years (at the time of DS2's birth), didnt want another relationship but did want another child, DS was born just before my 41st birthday. The only difference was my DS was nearly 20 when DS2 was born.

One of the major factors for me was the fact I was financially independant (though not well off by any ,means) I could not of done it had I had to rely on benefits, for me this was important and I have been lucky enough to be able to stay at home with DS

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