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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to write erotica?

51 replies

chrysanthemum38 · 05/10/2011 15:34

I have been writing for a long time, although not professionally. I have written a full-length novel, which is on Kindle and have written erotica short stories, for myself really, for years.

I mentioned to my dh that I could put my erotica stories on Kindle last March, when I first discovered that you could self-publish, and he wasn't happy. Didn't want them on the internet, and didn't want his name associated with them. So, I backed down that time.

But now I have the chance to write full-time for a good living.

I have found an American company that will pay me $180 to ghost-write 5000-word short stories for them, on various plots which they provide. I would be expected to churn out 3-5 of these a week, which I can do - I've already written two in two days. After conversion and paypal fees, it works out at £110 per story.

It's ghost-writing, so my name isn't on it anywhere, and it's not on the internet.

I didn't tell my dh initially as I wasn't sure they would accept me, and I didn't want to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation if there was a chance it wouldn't happen.

But they do want me, and the other night I told my dh.

He was furious, partly because I had arranged this behind his back and partly because of the subject matter I will be writing about.

I did apologise several times for going behind his back, and I explained my reasons. He has refused to accept my apology.

He called me names - selfish effing twat being the worst, along with dirty slut, and told me next thing I'd probably be starring in porn and that anyone who writes sex has to have serious issues. Told me I'd probably be cheating on him as how else could I get stuff to feed my imagination. He said he felt as if I'd come home and told him I wanted to be a prostitute.

I disgust him and he's ashamed of me and he doesn't want any of my "filthy porn money" and I'd better find another way of contributing to the household or I'd be packing my bags.

Oh and paedos will probably read my stories and then go and rape children and it'll be my fault. When I ventured to suggest that perhaps his reaction was a tad unreasonable he told me I was the one being unreasonable.

We have had several conversations about this - calmer than the initial one, but we are in essentially the same place.

He's in his corner waving his club and saying "I don't want my wife writing porn," and I'm in my corner waving my feminist flag and saying "I write what I damn well like and you can't stop me."

Thoughts?

Should I back down for the sake of matrimonial harmony and give up possibly £550 a week, or stick to my guns and possibly break up our marriage?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 05/10/2011 15:38

Oh dear.

I don't see the issue if you're names not on it (I'd want my name on it, sod ghost writing, but that WOULD be open to debate in our house).

You've already written a lot, so I don't understand why it would be okay to write it and keep it to yourself but not okay to publish it anonymously?

On the other hand, chat lines are anonymous as in 'un-named' (or rather cool false names) but I think my DH would have a problem with that.

Tricky one.

How much do you like your husband??? Wink

steamedtreaclesponge · 05/10/2011 15:40

Your husband is being totally out of order IMO. He called you a slut? And said you'd be going into porn? He sounds like he has some serious issues about sex, and women. TBH anyone that tried to call me a slut, for whatever reason, would be out on their ear.

steamedtreaclesponge · 05/10/2011 15:41

PS - Which company is it? Wink Grin

TeamMummRa · 05/10/2011 15:41
LaWeasel · 05/10/2011 15:43

Wow.

To start with: I don't agree with your husband's point of view at all, there is nothing immoral or wrong about erotica and if you can make a living from it good for you!

I can sort of understand his objection at the not-wanting-your-name-on-it stage, though a pseudo name would have solved this easily.

Totally flipping out about stories that don't have your name attached to them (when this was his original objection) is completely unreasonable. Some of the things he said to your were totally vile also. I would be completely devastated if my husband said those kind of things to me in a disagreement.

What do you want to do now?

solidgoldbrass · 05/10/2011 15:44

Your DH is an absolute arse. Of course you mustn't give in to his demands. In fact, tell him that unless he apologies for what he said, you will be reconsidering whether or not you want to stay in the marriage.
There is nothing wrong with writing erotica, loads of people do it. Though I am obviously and definitely not going to name names, I know a couple of authors of children's books who have published erotic novels under pseudonyms.

His behaviour is seriously out of order. Is he remotely good in bed? I would be surprised if he's anything more than adequate, with such a deep-rooted sexual dysfunction and fear of women going on. I'd be dumping him, but maybe he's got good qualities....

TeamMummRa · 05/10/2011 15:45

It sounds as though your H has very little respect for you and your opinons, achievements, and skills.
All the women I know who write cliterature have found it to be beneficial to their sex lives, not turned them into nypmho whores who'll shag anything that moves.
Your H seems repressed and a little scared. Has he had the opportunity to read any of your stuff?

solidgoldbrass · 05/10/2011 15:46

Oh and yes, of course, I write erotica too and have done for years.

Original poster
chrysanthemum38 · 05/10/2011 15:46

I love my husband very much, but he does tend to disapprove of things that I do, or have done, or say, or think.

In my younger days, long before I met him, I had quite a few one night stands and we had some humdinger rows about that in the past before he realised that they were in the past and he was just going to have to get over it.

I have a more liberal morality than he does when it comes to sex - but sometimes he just makes me feel dirty over things that I think are OK - like writing erotica.

I have tried for months to find a job doing something that also doesn't eat up any money I make in childcare. This seemed to be ideal as I can do it from home. And we really could do with the money.

OP posts:
TeamMummRa · 05/10/2011 15:47

Tell him you'll not do it if he can bring in an extra £500 a week? Grin

steamedtreaclesponge · 05/10/2011 15:48

"he does tend to disapprove of things that I do, or have done, or say, or think"

Good grief. Tell him to fuck right off and then fuck off some more. Who the hell is he to disapprove of you?

Original poster
chrysanthemum38 · 05/10/2011 15:50

Was replying to the first respondant and now there are lots.

He is actually very good in bed. He doesn't want to read my stuff - isn't remotely interested, he says. He didn't read my sci-fi novel either though.

He does have a lot of good qualities, although we have had some real humdingers of rows in the past. But we were getting along so well recently - we have worked really hard at disagreeing without falling out.

He says I am not taking his feelings into consideration, and making it all about me, and what I want to do.

But how can you take someone's opinion on board when you are so totally convinced they are wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
chrysanthemum38 · 05/10/2011 15:52

LOL @ TeamMummRa

He does work very hard to support me and my kids (they are not his). I hate that I'm not earning or contributing financially.

OP posts:
LaWeasel · 05/10/2011 15:52

I'm not really sure how you can stay with someone who disapproves of you?

It doesn't seem like he is going to change - and why should you change when you aren't doing anything wrong?

Hardgoing · 05/10/2011 15:53

I have checked this as a reverse scenario in my head, if my husband came home and said he could make money writing sexy stories, I would laugh, if my husband came home and said he was working as a porn star, I would leave.

Writing sexy stories is probably about as old as writing. Personally, to me there is no equivalence between that and producing porn using real live people. So, I think your husband is completely out of order and I would be wondering if he was the man I thought he was rather than the other way around.

The only thing I would question (apart from why your husband is behaving like a twat on this one) is whether you can realistically sustain that speed/quality of writing over the long-term. 5000 words, 3-5- times a week sounds like a lot to me. Perhaps I am a slow writer. But I wouldn't delude yourself to whether this is sustainable over the long-term, especially as your relationship is at stake over it.

DaphneDoomWarrior · 05/10/2011 15:54

Go for it girl. Why not?

themightyskim · 05/10/2011 15:56

I wish I could write erotica Id kill for that sort of extra money! your not being unreasonable its your life and if thats a talent you use it to your advantage

TeamMummRa · 05/10/2011 16:00

themightyskim - It's quite easy, just like the Hokey Cokey really (in, out, in, out, shake it all about...)

DharmaLovesDraco · 05/10/2011 16:00

I too would be telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

saying/calling me all of this selfish effing twat being the worst, along with dirty slut, and told me next thing I'd probably be starring in porn and that anyone who writes sex has to have serious issues. Told me I'd probably be cheating on him as how else could I get stuff to feed my imagination. He said he felt as if I'd come home and told him I wanted to be a prostitute would make me consider why on earth I was with someone who had such a low opinion of me - fine if you don't like something (he doesn't after all have to like that you are writing porn) but spewing all that, well Confused

BTW not saying 'leave the effing bastard' but I would not back down on this at all.

DooinMeCleanin · 05/10/2011 16:02

Your husband is a twat. YANBU at all but more importantly who is this company?

Malificence · 05/10/2011 16:08

He's obviously got some serious issues around female sexuality, that's me being nice about him.
Calling you those vile names is unforgivable and shows nothing but contempt and disrespect for you.

If I could earn £500 a week for writing a bit of smut, my DH would support me all the way.

It sounds to me like he hates the fact that he can't control what's in your head.

Boysrstupid · 05/10/2011 16:09

Pick me if u need a proof reader Grin

Hardgoing · 05/10/2011 16:14

Thinking on this a bit more, obviously he has an objection to the whole enterprise, but has he actually read any of these stories? Are there boundaries about what you would cover yourself? (e.g. you mention he said that someone could read that and rape a child, presumably you wouldn't be writing about child porn?) I'm not justifying his outburst in which he said terrible things, but having thought about it, I can think of some topics which I'd rather my husband didn't earn his money writing about, even if overall I would find it ok. Could you discuss this with him? (or is it all erotica?)

McPie · 05/10/2011 16:23

I would say go for it, spend the money you make on you and your kids and tell him to stuff his old fashioned ideas about what erotica is where the sun dont shine! Does he really think men read these stories? Men are more visual than women and I would rather have a well written erotic story than watch porn any day but my DH would happily sit and watch porn (its like watching paint dry in my honest opinion). You have a talent so use it and who knows we may end up reading a story of yours one day, also get them ones you have done already on Kindle under another name or you will regret it one day when its too late.

wearingpurple · 05/10/2011 16:24

Is this company on the level?

The vast majority of erotica writers are lucky to make that much in a year.

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