to want to write erotica?

[chrysanthemum38]

I have been writing for a long time, although not professionally. I have written a full-length novel, which is on Kindle and have written erotica short stories, for myself really, for years.

I mentioned to my dh that I could put my erotica stories on Kindle last March, when I first discovered that you could self-publish, and he wasn't happy. Didn't want them on the internet, and didn't want his name associated with them. So, I backed down that time.

But now I have the chance to write full-time for a good living.

I have found an American company that will pay me $180 to ghost-write 5000-word short stories for them, on various plots which they provide. I would be expected to churn out 3-5 of these a week, which I can do - I've already written two in two days. After conversion and paypal fees, it works out at £110 per story.

It's ghost-writing, so my name isn't on it anywhere, and it's not on the internet.

I didn't tell my dh initially as I wasn't sure they would accept me, and I didn't want to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation if there was a chance it wouldn't happen.

But they do want me, and the other night I told my dh.

He was furious, partly because I had arranged this behind his back and partly because of the subject matter I will be writing about.

I did apologise several times for going behind his back, and I explained my reasons. He has refused to accept my apology.

He called me names - selfish effing twat being the worst, along with dirty slut, and told me next thing I'd probably be starring in porn and that anyone who writes sex has to have serious issues. Told me I'd probably be cheating on him as how else could I get stuff to feed my imagination. He said he felt as if I'd come home and told him I wanted to be a prostitute.

I disgust him and he's ashamed of me and he doesn't want any of my "filthy porn money" and I'd better find another way of contributing to the household or I'd be packing my bags.

Oh and paedos will probably read my stories and then go and rape children and it'll be my fault. When I ventured to suggest that perhaps his reaction was a tad unreasonable he told me I was the one being unreasonable.

We have had several conversations about this - calmer than the initial one, but we are in essentially the same place.

He's in his corner waving his club and saying "I don't want my wife writing porn," and I'm in my corner waving my feminist flag and saying "I write what I damn well like and you can't stop me."

Thoughts?

Should I back down for the sake of matrimonial harmony and give up possibly £550 a week, or stick to my guns and possibly break up our marriage?

(Sorry, by 'that much' I mean £550.)

It's all about control. Believe me I know this. My stbxh loathes me writing erotica but weirdly says he would be ok with it if I was earning money from it rather than doing it just for fun (I publish on fanfic sites). It's taken me a fuck of a long time to make the decision to get the hell out of dodge and the process is making me sick but at the end of it I will be free to do what I want, what makes me feel good and not be judged by someone who would rather control me than understand me.

Rant over.

[goes back to writing smut]

There are no illegal topics - no characters under 18, no incest, no bestiality, no what they call brown or yellow play (poo and wee!).

There will be such topics as multiple partners, voyeurism, stranger sex, etc - typical fantasy stuff.

He won't even let me call it erotica - he says "it's filthy dirty porn and you know it!"

Ok firstly, where can I get a job like that? I love writing a bit of filth.

Secondly, I can understand that the secrecy might be upsetting for him, but as for the rest of it, calling you a slut, saying you have issues, will cheat on him etc.. that's not on. It's obvious that HE is the one with issues..

Do you think he will calm down/get over it? Do you think you'll give it up for him? Tough one, because I'd be tempted to say get stuffed to him.. but everyone is different!

First of all, congratulations on your achievement.

Secondly, no, YANBU to want to write erotica.

I do, and have for a while now - not purely erotica, but there's occasionally the odd scene in which it's included...

My DH is fortunately very supportive, but he rarely has insecurity issues and certainly doesn't see my recreational activity as a threat to our relationship.

I did keep it quiet for a while and just sort of hoped he'd guessed about the nature of my writing - basically I was a bit embarrassed about it and worried he might be upset. In the end I told him outright, and he was absolutely fine. Also what makes it slightly easier on my conscience is that he watches p*rn from time to time (sorry, I'm at work, so don't want to put the actual word) so I feel a little less guilty about indulging myself!

Anyway, good luck with it, and PM me if you want a rant.

So its basic bog standard erotica then? I have read some weird and wonderful stories (Cassandras Conflict and Chateau to name just two) as well as some boring stuff but that doesnt make me anything other than normal (may be debatable to those who know me buy hey ho). It really does seem to be a control thing either that or he thinks you will blurt out your new side line to anyone you meet. I would love to have the abillity to write such stories as it sounds like a perfect way to provide and care for my kids at the same time.

It's interesting how he's so certain that it's 'filthy, dirty porn' when he hasn't even bothered to read it

He's being unreasonable. I could perhaps understand his not being comfortable with you using your own name, but seeing as you're not, I don't get it. It sounds as if he has major issues with sex and control. Actually, I think his overreacting is a little suspicious. Is it possible that he has something he hasn't told you and that he is ashamed of? Porn habit/cheating/'dirty' secrets from the past/ anything?

I think you should stand your ground. And good luck with your writing

HIBU
he finds you thinking about sex disgusting. The idea of you having fantasies and writing them down is abhorrent to him because he thinks you thinking about sex is dirty and whorish. Seriously, he needs to get to fuck. What a pathetic child.

YANBU and go for it. Erotica is incredibly popular and various e-publishers are very successful at selling it - though I too am surprised at how much this outfit is paying. Have you researched them? There are a few big name erotica pubs like Samhain and Ellora's Cave out there but I know they're quite competitive - I don't know too much about this genre admittedly! Romance Divas is a good forum for all romance writers (though it was closed to new members recently). Absolute Write has a good Beware & Background board if you want to check out the firm.

Is your husband aware that these are mostly written by women for women? Or that there are sex scenes in loads of books, but erotica just has more of them?

I'm really surprised he's so against it given the money it would bring in!

Actually, the rate of pay sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I have in the past got around £150-£200 for 'confessions' writing. I would also recommend to all interested parties having a look at Xcite who are marvellous.

However, OP, I really think you need to consider dumping your DP. He's not a very nice man at all and his behaviour is going to get worse. Basically he doesn't consider you a person, he has very dysfunctional ideas about sexuality, and he will not accept that he is not your boss/owner.

I'm with SGB on the behaviour of your DH - his reaction to this is abnormal and immoderate and would send me running for the hills.

Must admit, I'm still very curious about the writing gig though...

All the men I've ever met who had a problem with my involvement in writing erotica and working in and around the porn industry have been complete wankers. ONe that springs to mind lectured me very tediously all night about my 'immorality' in liking group sex and one night stands, then tried to persuade me to sleep with him.
Next I heard of him, his then GF was reporting him to the police for stealing £200 off her.

Update: We had a much calmer conversation yesterday and he seemed far more open to listening to my side of things. He has read this thread - in fact he suggested that I post here. I think he thought you were all going to be on his side then I would see how wrong I was and how disgusting everyone else thought it was.

BUT - slurs on his sexual prowess notwithstanding - I think it might have helped. Later he came downstairs in a completely altered frame of mind. He hasn't apologised, but then he rarely apologises.

The things he said to me were really unacceptable and he knows that. I think he is sorry. He still isn't delighted about it, but he's coming round to the idea that I'm doing it anyway.

Thanks everyone :)

I think you are a fool to overlook the way your husband speaks to you when he oerceives you to be "stepping out of line"

You will smooth it over, until the next time, yes ?

OP's H...if you are still reading this....the way you talk to your wife is fucking disgusting and you should know that many women would walk away if confronted with that level of disrespect

We have had quite a volatile marriage - we have been together less than three years in total.

I used to come on here ranting about the things he said to me, until I was told that I sounded as bad as he was and that we deserved each other.

That gave me quite a shock and I ran off to lick my wounds for a while.

But a few months ago I was buying tea tree oil in the health food shop and they had an offer on where if you buy one thing in the offer you get another for a penny. I was browsing the shelves looking at what I could get with my penny and I saw Vitamin B12, which said it was for 'mental stability'. When I looked it up online, one of the things it does is curb irritability.

We both know our arguments can turn nasty and we do both want to sort it. We love each other and want to make our marriage work. So I bought them and suggested we BOTH take them.

And it has actually worked! There have been a couple of times when I've found myself getting annoyed, and then I realize I haven't taken my pill today.

I'm not a perfect person - I have a tendency to throw things about when I get annoyed. And the urge to hit him over the head with something hard is very strong at times when he's being an arse.

But it's not all him - and I've had to accept that, whereas at first I was blaming him for everything and taking no responsibility for my own reactions. We are both trying very hard and we do love each other.

But it's been great for MONTHS so I know it can work. This was just a blip.

I see where you are coming from, I have a similar type of a relationship (pretty solid but massively volatile in terms of things blowing up, then blowing down equally quicky). However, even when I am very very angry, I might shout 'you are a selfish twat' or some such, but I would not shout such derogatory words and say the type of things your husband said. I do think that deep down, he probably does have insecurities around your sexuality and the expression of that in your writing, I wouldn't be surprised if this came back to bite you on the bum later.

I would say calling your wife a "dirty sl*t" is a "blip"

I hope you are going to carry on and do what you think is right, regardless of what he says, now or in the future.

would not sorry

"He called me names - selfish effing twat being the worst, along with dirty slut, and told me next thing I'd probably be starring in porn and that anyone who writes sex has to have serious issues."

Oh, fgs. Tell him to wind his neck in.

FWIW, one of my former uni' lecturers wrote hardcore porn erotic stories when she was hard-up and she is a massive, massive feminist. And a lesbian. And would baulk at the idea of being involved in a porn film.

The thing about erotic literature is that no-one gets hurt in the making of it, unlike real porn. What you are doing (or would like to be doing) is a perfectly legitimate way of making extra cash and your husband is a big fat dunderhead bawbag. You can tell him I said that.

Talking to a partner like that is unacceptable and he needs to understand he mustn't do it for a start. Is he perhaps feels threatened not only by your success but maybe he feels you're writings reflect your fantasies and he is someway inadequate to satisfy you and you secretly want something else? Just a thought, have a friend who use to write erotic novels and male friends often reacted strangely when found out, why? - don't get it myself, it's entertainment. Asked my dh what he thought and he said blokes being a twat silly, if she is enterprising enough to make the money she can do it with or without him, he's the one that stands to miss out. Hope you get it resolved and as you say it is a blip, maybe this is his initial shocked reaction and he'll get use to it, fingers crossed.

For once, I actually are with SGB on a sex industry issue.

Lots of women write erotica and put it on the internet. I believe there are quite a few women on MN who write adult fanfic. You are lucky to have a way of getting paid for writing, given the fast amount of free erotica available online.

Calling you a dirty slut is nothing to do with irritability. The idea that determining whether or not somebody is a slut is something that he feels it is okay to do had to be in his head to begin with, before he lost his temper.

Realise this is a dead thread, but am curious as to how the situation was resolved. Mrs. Chrysanthemum, did you pursue the erotica?
xx

Sounds to me like he maybe doesn't like the idea of you making money independently. You say he supports you and your kids. Maybe he likes being the Big Provider. Have you considered that he may be feeling somehow threatened by any change to this situation?

Dead thread! Why'd you drag this one up, inspired?

I don't suppose this company are looking for more writers are they? I could bloody well do with some extra money.

My dh wouldn't care at all! He would appreciate my efforts to bring in money and as he trusts me, would have no worries about where the ideas were coming from. Your husband sounds deeply insecure.

You have every right to do this, and he should not be stopping you.