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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this?

31 replies

loveglove · 05/10/2011 09:38

Background: Getting married in 6 weeks, have made huge effort to lose weight for it, have lost 1.5 stone so far through healthy eating and exercise. I have now moved onto meal replacement drinks for a last push. I have also given up smoking (its only been two days but still) as it's high time and I don't want to be a smokey bride.

I turned to DP last night and said,"I can't wait for us to married. I am going to eat EVERYTHING after we are haha" (I didn't mean I was going to get fat, I just meant I was looking forward to eating again iyswim)

He said "Nooooo don't do that, don't become a porker"

We had a conversation after this, and he basically said if I got too fat he'd leave me. It transpires he was imagining me being 40 stone (I weigh 12 right now) which is quite a dramatic change, and not at all likely, but it upset me as I thought he was supposed to be with me for me, not my body (which is funny as my body's rubbish anyway!).

I can understand that he wouldn't find me sexually attractive at that size, but still. I feel I'd still love him if he were 40 stone and wouldn't leave, even if I couldn't have sex anymore.

So...am I just being over emotional about it because I'm not smoking and not eating? (Both of which make me emotional haha)

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 05/10/2011 09:39

Yanbu, I would be upset too.

YoFluffy · 05/10/2011 09:42

Men are definitely from Mars - they speak a different language to us and often have the emotional IQ of a fish.

Take it with a pinch of salt (but perhaps return the "compliment" Wink ) Don't worry about what's unlikely to happen and even if it did, chances are he'd be there with you anyway.

You're likely to be emotionally sensitive at the moment as your big day approaches, don't read too much into this and let it eat away at you.

aldiwhore · 05/10/2011 09:45

What yofluffy says.

biddysmama · 05/10/2011 09:45

yanbu, id have gone mad! i have a friend that constantly diets because her husband isnt attracted to her if she puts on any weight

Original poster
loveglove · 05/10/2011 09:49

Thanks guys, makes me feel a bit better about it - I really wasn't sure if I was being ridiculous or not!

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 05/10/2011 09:52

You weren't telling the total truth when you said what you'd said and neither was he-it's semantics really and I'd take it with a pinch of salt.

I can see his point though in my own biased view of the world. I have probably fluctuated a litte in my weight since I met DH 15 years ago-maybe gone half a stone either way, but he has put on 6 stone and I do not find it attractive in the slightest. I still love him totally and find him very attractive inside as a person, but his body is completely different to when I met him and I doubt I would have even got together with him if he'd looked like that then.

I don't particularly find very overweight people sexually attractive-that may make me very superficial, yes. Maybe he's telling you in a roundabout way that's what he means?

Original poster
loveglove · 05/10/2011 09:56

Haha there was no roundabout way at all - he straight out said he wouldn't find me sexually attractive at 40 stone, and I accept that.

It doesn't change who I am though if yswim, and that's what I found upsetting.

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 05/10/2011 10:02

You're being a bit over sensitive probably due to the impending wedding and giving up smoking.

he was talking about you becoming morbidly obese. TBH I would probably leave my DH if he was 40st.

Would you find him sexually attractive at 40st?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/10/2011 10:05

I actually think you'd change in personality quite a bit if you were 40 stones. You only have to pick up a magazine where you see somebody who has drastically lost weight that they look markedly different and say that it's given them a new outlook/lease of life. They're different.

I think that one of the main differences between men and women regarding talk of weight is that - if you would have said that comment to a woman, she would generally have been on your wavelength, understood what you meant immediately and laughed with you. A man can see 'weight' very differently, immediately leaping to an extreme scenario rather than the one you envisage.

It's also fairly likely that your husband-to-be would perceive 'porkiness' at many stones lighter than 40....

aldiwhore · 05/10/2011 10:06

My DH loved me when I hit 15 stone, but has since admitted that he found it difficult to look at me and think 'phwoar' and to my shame, when he was laid up in bed for months with his leg in cast after cast, I didn't fancy him either. BUT I loved him with all my heart.

Love and lust are important in a long term relationship (I think, not the same for everyone) and there are times when you don't 'feel' it.

Also I think that when you do get to a stage where you're far too big for your own liking, your confidence and other attractive qualities take a hit. I am not sure it was my FIGURE that made DH feel I wasunattractive, but my own self hatred?

abcdangel · 05/10/2011 10:17

OP, Congrats on losing 1.5 stines that's brilliant!

I think that DP's comment may have been an off the cuff remark which you've taken to heart because, as you say, you're probably a bit on edge due to the impending wedding, not smoking and the food packs (I am on 1st week of food packs and feel like I have terrible PMT at the mo!)

The deeper issue is whether love should be unconditional and whether your DH is a bad person for saying that he wouldn't find you attarctive at 40 stone. IMO he's not - you'd look completely different and as other people have said you would probably act differently.

Love is about the whole package - for some people weight is not an issue, for some it is. Everyone's different.

ledkr · 05/10/2011 10:18

I wouldnt fancy my dh if he was 40 stone,to be blunt.He jujst prefers you abit slimmer as you are now and was encouraging you to keep it off,im trying to lose baby weight and appreciate my dh telling me i look better as ive lost the weight even if he is risking a kick in the balls. [grin
Well done on the weight loss.

Original poster
loveglove · 05/10/2011 10:20

Would you find him sexually attractive at 40st?

No, I wouldn't, and it's something I have said already in this thread, but I'd still love him.

I accept that I am over sensitive to weight related comments for sure.

What Aldiwhore says makes sense.

I struggle to feel attractive in terms of weight. Aside from being (only slightly now, yay!) overweight, I am built bigger anyway and often feel massive next to my more birdlike boned friends. Probably another contribution to my oversensitivity.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveglove · 05/10/2011 10:21

Thank you for your "well dones"! Grin

OP posts:
pictish · 05/10/2011 10:22

If my husband hit 40 stone, I'd be off.
To be honest.

Hullygully · 05/10/2011 10:23

I have to say that while I understand why you were upset, it's sort of fair to say I don't want you to become grossly obese. For both partners.

Hullygully · 05/10/2011 10:24

And no one would find anyone attractive at 40 stone, unless they were a feeder.

MilicentBystander · 05/10/2011 10:25

I wouldn't fancy a fat chap and DH wouldn't fancy me if I was fat.

It's one reason we've both kept slim and fit all our married life.

freakendblue · 05/10/2011 10:33

yanbu, but it is the extreme df was commenting on.Smile

Trills · 05/10/2011 10:39

If what he heard was "once I am married I am not going to take any care over my appearance because I have already bagged a man" I think he's right to say he'd prefer that not to happen. If he said "now I have a wife I don't need to shave or trim my nostril hair or wear nice clothes or wear aftershave" you wouldn't like it.

Then again I think it's weird to diet for a wedding if the intention is not to try to maintain that weight. Why would you want to look different at your wedding to how you really look?

pictish · 05/10/2011 10:39

Who wants to spend their life with a blob that can't move?

I am overweight. I have battled with my weight all of my life and am the original yo yo dieting comfort eater. Fat/thin/fat/thin/fat/thin....that's me.
Keeping well is endlessly preferable though.

What quality of marriage would you have with someone at 40 stone?? They can barely move, they can't make love (not that you would want to), they probably can't even wipe their own bottom effectively, having to reach round that expanse of flab. As for bathing....would they fit?

It is ridiculous to say you would still love someone at 40 stone, because the reality is, that someone of that size would only serve to make you unhappy.

HengshanRoad · 05/10/2011 12:07

Women get way too emotional about weight. It's impossible to have any sort of rational discussion about it. He told you the truth. Accept it.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 12:11

Surely you don't stop loving someone because of a change in how they look? Wouldn't that mean you loved the way they looked and not them, as a person, their mind, their heart?

I mean, there are so many things that can happen to someone (or that they can do to themselves Sad ) that will change the way they look - is it really ok for their partner to hop off? whoa honey, I married you without the wrinkles/with the teeth/without the scars/with the leg, ta-rah

squeakytoy · 05/10/2011 12:14

I think you could certainly stop liking someone if they take no pride in their own appearance. Having an illness, or an accident is a completely different thing to just letting yourself go because you cant be bothered.

Original poster
loveglove · 05/10/2011 12:17

Then again I think it's weird to diet for a wedding if the intention is not to try to maintain that weight. Why would you want to look different at your wedding to how you really look?

Read over my initial post again: my intention isn't to "let myself go" and become fat. I am currently on meal replacement shakes as a last push to lose a bit extra as it's closer to the wedding, after months of healthy eating and exercise to lose weight that needed to be lost, I have no intention of putting it back on again.

My comment about eating EVERYTHING (as I explain in my op) is because I am looking forward to solids again basically!

He construed it I think as you did and that's what led to our conversation about leaving if I became morbidly obese. Which I am not planning to do.

OP posts: