Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is emailling old friend, 10 times in three weeks......

33 replies

ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 08:12

He left his fb page up, in fact mine was up at the same time and they merged....so I could see my profile picture and wall but his name on the right and his messages, was weird. So in his messages, which I thought were mine until I clicked, were 10 exchanges from him and an old school friend. Lots of smilies, ggl (not lol which was cringeworthy enough) and little mention of me.

Now I wouldn't put cheating passed anyone, let alone my DH...rumours have not exactly never mentioned him, even on the internet. We have had many an issue in our relationship, but cheating would be the end if I ever found out for sure. I'm not sure I'd be heartbroken, just wouldn't ever forget.

So AIBU to sit him down and have a talk about the route to cheating and how one minute your marriage is dull, you catch up with an old friend, you reminisce and then hey presto you're having to decide whether or not you'll kiss.....

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 08:15

In one line he tells her he'd love to see her strutting her stuff on stage and could she post a link on youtube.....

ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 08:16

Oh and how a dodgy night was made up for by her company.....

OP posts:
KaFayOLay · 05/10/2011 08:23

Speak to him about it, you'll only fester over it otherwise.

If it were my dh, I'd be bloody furious about it tbh!!

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 08:25

they haven't seen eachother for twenty years.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 05/10/2011 08:26

It's funny how straight people never seem to exchange as many emails with "old friends" of the same sex though, isn't it?

KaFayOLay · 05/10/2011 08:30

She's probably very far removed from the nubile young girl he remembers then Grin.

Sounds like he's having that 'I hate getting old' feeling that creeps up on us at times, well it does me.

What are her mails like? Is she equally as deluded effusive as him?

rogersmellyonthetelly · 05/10/2011 08:34

Um I dunno actually, I have emailed my ex (19years ago) 8 times yesterday, we didn't realise we live quite close now and even after splitting up we stayed good friends, so it can be perfectly innocent.

whatdoiknowanyway · 05/10/2011 08:48

Not necessarily an issue. Many of my old friends are male (went to a predominantly male university) and we have a very affectionate relationship even 30 years on.
We don't meet regularly (group dispersed all over the world) but we email, are maybe slightly flirtatious but never did anything about it 30 years ago and certainly wouldn't now. It's just how we communicate.
Our partners know that we are really, truly, just good friends. Men and women can be friends you know Hmm

queenrollo · 05/10/2011 09:11

my Dh has recently got in touch with a woman who he was very good friends with all through his school years. They chatted a LOT in the first couple of weeks, they had a lot to catch up on.
I'm not bothered because I trust him absolutely, he has shared some of the conversation with me (like why he was suddenly laughing, she'd reminded him of an event he'd forgotten about) and I know if i text him now for his password to read the messages he wouldn't have a problem with it.

You do need to talk to him about it. It'll just fester and the resentment will grow if you don't.

ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 09:14

'So AIBU to sit him down and have a talk about the route to cheating and how one minute your marriage is dull, you catch up with an old friend, you reminisce and then hey presto you're having to decide whether or not you'll kiss.....'

  • Well no, I'd sit him down and inform him that the couple of snippets you've recounted here had already crossed a line as far as I was concerned, and I'd be asking him how he plans to rectify the situation. Sounds like you have as low a tolerance for not only cheating but also dickish behaviour as me, so I think you'd perhaps get more out of that approach :)

Clue: rectifying would most definitely include no more emails... Sorry, but what's the point of beating around the bush? He's flirting. He's being a tosser. Me would no likey...

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 09:15

Trouble is it's just not like him....he's mailed old male friends with a paragraph in 10 weeks... And the smilies and ggls are eeeeewwww. Ffs when I was away with the dcs for 8 weeks hw didn't have as much to say. "did you go to the gym?" Is not catching up!

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 09:17

By the way - of course men and women can be friends. Me and DH have good friends of both sexes, no issue.

But neither of us would be messaging old schoolfriends that we hadn't seen for twenty years in those terms - that isn't good friends being affectionate and loving to each other, no. That's flirting. Disingenuous to claim otherwise.

Also, your first post suggests that at some level you don't trust him, already. That adds to the picture, for me.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 12:41

Shouty. There's stuff on the internet about him warning young girls in his company that he'll tell them about how his wife doesn't understand him and blah ablha..... all sounds feasible given everything else on the rumour site is real!! Although I think those behaviours are about 4/5 years old, possibly when I still thought I was madly in love.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2011 12:48

TPP sorry to bring up my knowledge of previous issues you've had but isn't this one thing in a long line of issues?

I wouldn't have a problem with my DH chatting to an old school friend - I know he did it a little while ago and she came round to see us. I would have a problem with the sorts of comments you are talking about.

MissPenteuth · 05/10/2011 12:48

He's on a rumour site? Is he famous then?

ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 12:58

Posie - red flags everywhere, then Sad

I don't know your backstory, but - how long have you been together? Do you have children? Do you love him? More to the point, do you respect him? It doesn't sound as if you do... you sound kind of resigned to his being a bit of a tit, you sound as if you've already girded your loins a long time ago and are kind of grim-faced about him. If that makes sense.

If that's the case...well, we only get one life. One that's too short to spend feeling grim-faced about living with a knob-end...

Proudnscary · 05/10/2011 13:04

I am so confused

weejimmykrankie · 05/10/2011 13:18

WTF is a rumour site??

squeakytoy · 05/10/2011 13:22

posie, facebook has changed, and chat conversations now all appear in messages after you have had the conversation, so is it possible that this was a short chat conversation that they have had, rather than exchanging messages?

I was chatting to someone the other night for about an hour, and the next morning I read it all back... which I have to say was rather amusing as I was slightly under the influence the previous night...

blondie80 · 05/10/2011 13:26

Shouty -more to the point, does OP respect herself?

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 16:18

Rumour site is specific to the company my DH works for, some very disgruntled ex employees. Most of the claims are true about others, sexual harassment in NY office, affairs, drug taking etc....

And these messages are pms, and very very long....each is around four five long paragraphs.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 05/10/2011 16:25

Posie, I remember a few of your previous threads.

With all due respect I think you are being played a fool. This man can't be trusted at all and will never change.

You are worth more.

gallicgirl · 05/10/2011 16:28

Has he mentioned these chats to you?

I think that would be a big indicator of his state of mind for me. If he says, "oh I heard from friend yesterday, we were chatting about x,y and z" then I wouldn't be so concerned. Pissed off, yes, but not worried he was going to cheat so much.

But if he's kept the contact a secret then I'd be wanting to know why and letting him know how I feel about that.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 05/10/2011 16:33

He thinks it's fine and I'm making a fuss, which I am not. I am simply pointing out what steps we can avoid to not cheat.....

I am no Angel and enjoy flirting with men, but it has to be in realistically distant parameters.

OP posts:
HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 16:43

Sounds like something my ex did. I knew he'd been messaging an "old friend" on facebook but didn't know what he'd sent as he'd never do it front of me Hmm

The messages went something like:

"wow how are you?!"
"good thanks! hows you? not seen you in ages!"

to -

"I'm divorced now, are you with anyone?"
"I'm divorced too (see how he was very clever not to lie here? he IS divorced - however he failed to mention his new relationship - i.e. me!)

and eventually to -

"where have you gone?? please come back!"
"awww don't be silly I wouldn't go off without saying goodbye!! hehe my laptop crashed" (read - my partner walked into the room and I had to turn it off quick)
"oh thank god! we really need to meet up ;-) "
"yes definitely! When and where?"

Innocent? was it bollocks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread