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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not like 'an ADHD child' 'an ASD child' 'a Downs child' 'A SN child'?

74 replies

HelloSweetie · 04/10/2011 22:07

it's a small thing but it gets my goat.

a child has SN or AS or ADHD etc. They are not 'An AS child' or a SN child'.

thats all.

OP posts:
Portofino · 04/10/2011 22:46

YANBU. My nephew has an Aspergers diagnosis. It does not define him. He is a lovely, kind, intelligent boy - well teenager now in fact - how did THAT happen? Yes, it brings challenges and problems but it should never "describe" him.

Original poster
HelloSweetie · 04/10/2011 22:48

me too aldi. large-foot-in-gob frequently.

OP posts:
2old2beamum · 04/10/2011 22:48

As a mother of 3 Down syndromes I am sorely tempted to write book called "Every ones aunty has got one"

droves · 04/10/2011 22:49

Ds3 has adhd , Dd4 has autism .
Whether they are described as such or adhd child or autistic /asd child doesnt matter .
The wording of the description wont make them any different .It wont cure or worsen them.

The looks they get if they go a bit hyper or meldown-ishy outside ...
The looks from old people are the worst , and then the tuts and whispers about controlling kids that are said just loud enough for me to hear ...thats annoying.

Saying what they are isnt. Truths do not hurt.

worraliberty · 04/10/2011 22:56

I think it's about striking a balance

When you're describing someone it's quite natural to mention the most obvious thing about them...that doesn't mean it 'defines' them though.

If I were talking about a man with one leg who normally wears a hat, I'd describe him as 'the man with one leg'...rather than the 'man with the hat' because it's the most obvious thing.

I was talking to a school mum the other day in a crowded playground and she was trying to point out 'David's Mum'. Said "The lady in the yellow top" (there were a few ladies with yellow tops) then she said "The lady with the long black hair" (there were loads of them too)

Finally she 'whispered' "The black lady over there"

Why the hell didn't she say that in the first place? I mean she was the only black lady in that corner of the playground.

I have a feeling she just felt nervous of upsetting anyone Sad

Kladdkaka · 04/10/2011 22:57

Aldiwhore from my perspective, and I can honestly say it's the same for all the adult aspies I know, it's about how you perceive the condition. Society sees it that we have a 'condition', something wrong with us that needs to fixed. They say we have autism. We see it that a fundamental part of our being. The way our brains our wired. It's not a 'condition', it's a difference. A difference with big implications because we live in a society which doesn't accept us as we are.

Tony Attwood, a world expert in Asperger's once said that the cause of AS was other people and the cure was shutting the door.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 04/10/2011 22:58

I've always been trained to put the person first (tbh I kind of did it anyway):

A boy with Asperger's Syndrome
A girl with Down Syndrome
A woman with cancer
A man with hepatitis

What a person defines themself as is their own busines - for example the previous poster's son who calls himself an Aspie. To me it's like DNephew (who is black, by the way) calling his mate "Nigga" - if I called him that (I'm white), I'd deserve a slapping!

worraliberty · 04/10/2011 23:01

Anyone who uses the word 'Nigga' deserves a slapping imo no matter what colour they are.

The word was virtually redundant until the twattish 'Gangsta' rappers brought it back into circulation.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 04/10/2011 23:07

DNephew is 18. He also uses "blud" and a whole host of other things that make me (at the grand old age of 29) go Hmm

I was simply using it as an example of things that are ok when said by the person themself, but totally out of order when said by an outsider. Slagging off someone's Mum also comes under this heading Wink

AmberLeaf · 04/10/2011 23:07

Tony Attwood, a world expert in Asperger's once said that the cause of AS was other people and the cure was shutting the door

I love that. soo true.

Maryz · 04/10/2011 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kladdkaka · 04/10/2011 23:16

Maryz, you could be right on that. We use it as a descriptive word and as teasing insult. Nobody is offended by it, but then we are all aspies. 'OMG! You're such a bloody aspie' might sound really offensive to the outside world, but from one aspie to another, it's actually quite funny.

ineedstrongcoffee · 04/10/2011 23:17

i have 2 children and people make me chuckle when they just dont know what to say
example one lady said to me argg your the mum of the special child arnt ya
i said no i have 2 kids
lady says yes but only 1 is special isnt he ,you know what i mean S P E C I A L
sorry lady but both my kids are special to me ,but yes your correct 1 does have autism
made her think for a second lol
didnt want dd thinking she wasnt special too

manicinsomniac · 05/10/2011 00:30

afaik the guidelines change constantly on this.

I remember doing some training years ago with Barnardos and being told that we have to say children with disabilities rather than disabled children. But I think it then changed as it transpired that the majority of disabled people do actually define themselves as such and see it as who they are.

I think we can get a little too PC over terminology these days. My current bugbear is 'Children with Additional Needs' - please! ALL 16 of the 9 year olds in my class have additional needs, whether they be educational, behavioural, emotional, social, familial or something else. They have them because they are all individuals and can't be catered for as a collective with the same needs as each other.

Obviously it's hard to know as I don't have a disability but I don't think I'd mind being defined by it if I did (I do have mental illnesses which I've occasionally been labelled casually as and I don't mind, it's just descriptive!). I don't have a problem being called a white woman, a short woman, a christian woman, a crazy woman etc. None of those things are wholly who I am but they're a part of it so why not say so.

aldiwhore · 05/10/2011 09:31

Kladdkaka see? I say 'condition' because I was trying not to say 'illness' or impy anything was 'wrong' but even then I use the wrong terminology! There was no offence meant at all.

worraliability been there done that, and felt utterly foolish. Sometimes the most obvious thing is the thing to avoid though, I've tried to describe my friend many times by describing her amazing curly hair, or her dress sense, but lightbulbs rarely go on until I say 'the lady with the huge bottom'...

Maryz · 05/10/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShowOfHands · 05/10/2011 09:46

Kladdkaka, I think it's probably semantically a bit different describing somebody as an 'autistic child' as opposed to 'ASD child' because autistic is an adjective. It's not making a whole syndrome precede the child but supplying adjectival information to clarify something about that child.

Language is powerful and 'she is autistic' is merely qualitative information, 'she is asd' is nonsensical admittedly but carries a different notion entirely.

beakinthebeeswax · 05/10/2011 09:47

My sister works in a home for children with illnesses such as these mentioned and it drives her mad too. She devotes her life to 'her kids' as she calls them and they are each a personality of their own, ie not 'him with autism' or 'him with fragile x' she is very conscious of these children being labelled.

onagar · 05/10/2011 09:55

If you're talking about ADHD etc in a thread then this is bullshit. It's just the way people phrase things and nothing to do with insulting anyone.

It would be different if someone were discussing some who to invite to a sleepover and said "Sally, Tommy and the ADHD kid"

If you require everyone to check everything they say around you then you may find you end up alone.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 05/10/2011 10:00

YANBU

They are children/ people first and foremost, not a diagnosis, a person.

philosophytree · 05/10/2011 10:43

I am autistic and I agree with Kladdkaka, I would say I am an autistic adult. It runs through me and everything I do. It is not something you can put into a box like some other conditions. I also have anxiety and depression, but I would not want to be described as an 'anxious person'. Some conditions can be compartmentalised, but ASD isn't one of them.

Hardgoing · 05/10/2011 11:54

I can see why people find this annoying, but I think the problem is if you get very bothered by words, people simply stop talking about disabilities for fear of giving offence. My friend who had a baby with Down syndrome recently said the worst thing wasn't people using the wrong language, it was people not talking about it at al. And she certainly used the words 'Down's baby' herself.

PeneloPeePitstop · 05/10/2011 11:58

It is a bit irksome, but I've heard and seen far worse. Especially when words like the tard one and other methods of description I've seen here are used.

Kladdkaka · 05/10/2011 12:02

Aldiwhore you didn't cause offence by using 'condition' at all. I highlighted it purely to try to explain the difference in perceptions. That society sees it as something that happens to us rather than as something we are. I'm not offended by that, I thought the same before I really understood autism. I think it's because people generally see autism from its negative side not realising that there is a huge positive side and that a lot of autists would not have acheived what they've acheived if they weren't autistic. (Some autistic people have even started including it on their CVs as a selling point.)

I was also trying not to use the word 'illness' and wasn't quite sure which other word fit best.. :o

WilsonFrickett · 05/10/2011 12:05

I think it's all context, isn't it? Absolutely, I would be very Angry if I heard someone pointing out my child as 'the special one' or 'the ASD one' but I wouldn't bother about someone saying 'WilsonJr's ASD'. I can't bear 'a bit ASD' or 'a bit aspie' but I do sometimes tell people that WilsonJr is on the spectrum - even though he isn't officially in terms of a dx, but I use it as a shorthand otherwise we're into a long technical discussion of communication disorders /delays/ thresholds for spectrum, etc.

I think if things are said with respect then they're usually ok.

But the one thing I cannot bear is 'wheelchair bound' which is apparently still an ok term in the UK media.