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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our neighbour is weird and to be wary of him?

103 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 04/10/2011 18:20

We live in a quiet cul de sac and we are on nodding or chatting terms with nearly all the neighbours.....but the man who lives at the bottom...4 doors from us, is reserved and never says hello unless you REALLY look him in the eye and he cant avoid it....fair enough....but......my DC are 7 and 3 and the 7 year old goes out the front which is all open plan and rides her bike a lot....I usually keep an eye on her from the kitchen window

Whenever she does, he appears at the front of his property and messes about with something....he loiters iyswim.

Hes never actually DOING anything, just now he was sort of pushing his bin around...repeatedly re-positioning it.

My 3 year old wanted to go out so DH went with her and thats when he saw the neighbour kind of peering at our older DD from the cover of his garage...he was JUST inside and half hidden. Hmm

I cant see his house from my window as it's on my side....

AIBU to ask the police for one of those disclusure things?

This man lives alone and is about 55. He seems "normal" if shy/anti social.
WWYD?

OP posts:
heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 19:49

Crap bit of flaming there, people. What is the need?

OP - I can see why this behaviour unnerves you. I don't think it sounds like he is sexually interested in your child.

I think he sounds territorial. It's the sort of thing people do when they are worried about the neighbourhood children getting'out of control' or making a noise or other nuisance...he feels that someone should be 'keeping an eye on them'.
It's usually not sinister at all.

Possibly even he has experience of a child being hurt or something when out playing near a road (however quiet yours may be) and is concerned from this point of view.

In short he sounds irrational, overly officious and a bit annoying but not dangerous...you would see if he tried to approach your daughter.

He sounds extremely scared and defensive. I think you would be wise to keep an open mind...by all means ask for information if you want to, but I'd bet he's just a scared, antisocial type who for some reason is a bit fixated on your daughter being out there by herself - but probably not in a sexual predator kind of way.

I can see why you are upset and i hate this tabloid-style flaming that happens so regularly whenever a whiff of potential prejudice is detected.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 04/10/2011 19:59

YANBU

MRD... You are a mother... trust your instincts.

valiumredhead · 04/10/2011 20:31

I bet he's worried about the kids bashing into his car/garden - I am known to be very twitchy when pesky kids are get a bit close to our car.

DirtyBit · 04/10/2011 20:46

If you're worried and can ask, ask.
If not just keep an eye on DD and leave the poor guy alone. IMHO your shildren shouldn't be out of sight for long enough for anything to happen anyway.

DirtyBit · 04/10/2011 20:46

shildren children.

boohoobabywho · 04/10/2011 20:55

we had a guy who lives over the road from us and it was a similar situation, we all thought he was wierd but he came out to talk to the kids.

Well, we had a street party for the Royal wedding and we invited everyone from the close, even him. I took critisim for it from some of the other mums, but he is a resident of the close too and the whole point was to do something.... 'community'.

Anyway long story short, he came, brought his own dinner on a plastic plate, sat on his own... till i went and spoke to him and he was just a lonley old geezer who is a bit shy and wishes he had grandkids.

maybe i'm lucky
if you dont trust him, dont leave the kids out there alone, get a bench for the front garden and sit on it... better still.... play with the kids!

MissPenteuth · 04/10/2011 20:57

"Unless he's called Scott Summers he isn't going to hurt her by looking at her" PomBear I think I love you a little bit.

Mumbling, your neighbour's behaviour does sound a bit odd but there could be any number of explanations other than "paedophile". Keep an eye out for your DCs as you would in any situation, and teach them about safety as squeaky said. But involving the police at this stage would be jumping to conclusions, imo.

HoneyPablo · 04/10/2011 21:02

I know the op has flounced but can't help worrying that this man is out there somewhere looking at children.
What is the world coming to? When our children aren't even safe from being looked at.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 04/10/2011 21:05

I just read this back and I did "go off on one" I think. I am sorry OP, this is a very touchy subject and I let my own experience colour my judgement.
Not every single man living alone is a child molester, but there will be some tiny minority of them who are. I shouldn't have belittled your urge to look out for your DDS and I apologise.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 04/10/2011 21:08

YANBU - I am fed up of people treating the idea of paedophiles as an urban myth!! They do exist, I was a victim of one and like many people on here they always thought he was incapable of such things. HE was always (and still is) assumed to be a gentle man, loved children and was amazing to take on my mother and her young daughter and two brothers.

I have met a horrifying number of girls/ women that have also been victims in one way or another. You have noticed behaviour that is not 'run-of-the-mill' and you would do well to keep your daughter safe. There is nothing that you can do..but if it were my daughter I too would be concerned.

DownbytheRiverside · 04/10/2011 21:14

Hullaballoo, that's sort of what some of us are saying.
The filth that abused you wasn't a social isolate, too timid to speak to an adult, but a personable and confident person who inserted himself into your mother's life to prey on her daughter.
You were abused by someone others thought admirable and normal who became part of your family. Sad [cross] as so often happens.

DownbytheRiverside · 04/10/2011 21:15

Sorry, that should be Angry
Paedophiles often go unnoticed because they are able to appear so normal, even loveable.

Chundle · 04/10/2011 21:15

Personally I think a mothers intuition can be very strong and I always trust my instincts. If you are concerned then have a chat with your local police and see if they can tell you anything. However don't make it into a big thing by telling other neighbours etc not saying you would but some people can start hate campaigns with no evidence

MULLYPEEP · 04/10/2011 21:17

I don't detect anything hysterical from your OP. Its probably nothing but if you can ask, ask.

TunaTiebacks · 04/10/2011 21:18

I agree that people are being very harsh - no I don't subscribe to the Daily Mail 'Paedo on every corner' school of thought but that doesn't mean they don't ever exist, of course they do. Neighbour may well be an innocent bystander but it does sound odd behaviour. Not reportable, just enough to make one a bit more vigilant and keep an eye on the situation.

That said, I'm sure the OP will already have decided to be much more vigilant and I'm not sure what she was expecting the responses to be. Surely just a common sense matter.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 04/10/2011 21:20

Riverside - You are completely right. I just get cross when people dismiss possible warning signs because they think it will never happen to them.

That said, I wouldn't spread rumours or create an issue. The man may well be innocent. Everyone would do well not to blindly trust those so interested in their children. If my mother had had questioned her husbands behaviour a little I may still have had contact with my family.

BehindLockNumberNine · 04/10/2011 21:31

Blimey, I think people have been unnecessarily hard on OP. She asked a question, she did not accuse him of doing anything, she had a gut feeling and decided to ask advice from others.

Which is a sensible thing to do.

But instead she was accused of branding the guy a peadophile, accused of telling the neighbours he was a paedophile and all sorts of other things which she never said.

I think the pitchforks should not have come out in this case.

I think there is a 90% chance this guy is harmless but I do agree his behavious is a bit odd and OP is right to keep a close eye on her dd.

porcamiseria · 04/10/2011 21:35

well I sounds a bit dodgy to me OP, as you said it not that he is alone, god we all have people that live alone on our streets, its the loitering

sod what everyone says on here and you keep an eye out and if really worried, well do something ie ask police if there any peadophiles in area

Alambil · 04/10/2011 22:08

but what can actually happen to your children?

They're out there playing, he's out there looking..... and....? Is he inviting them in? Is he taking photos?

I don't understand the issue.

He lives alone, he isn't very socially confident and he stands outside occasionally, watching children play - perhaps deriving pleasure from watching children, perhaps to protect his boundary / car / plants, perhaps to make sure they don't get hurt - could be any number of things.

But, most importantly, NOTHING horrible can happen from someone LOOKING at someone else.

Those that have been subjected to abuse were at the mercy of a physical act - they weren't abused from being looked at...

whatsallthehullaballoo · 04/10/2011 22:21

Lewisfan - I do not want a sick pervert getting sexual pleasure from watching my children playing. I would remove them from his sight.

BUT I am not talking about the man in the OP because I do not personally know why he watches her child. However, it seems interesting to me that he seems only to watch the pubescent child.

Maybe a man like this is waiting to befriend the girl, may start taking photos or filming her. Is that ok too as long as he doesn't talk to her or touch her?

CocoPopsAddict · 04/10/2011 22:23

I think it's easy for people to write on here saying oh my god, you're being ridiculous, you have nothing to worry about. Easy when it's not your life, and not your child. Is it so difficult to put yourself into someone else's shoes?

Yeah, he's probably harmless. But there is a very small chance that he is not harmless, and if so, if he gets access to a child the outcome could be catastrophic. If I had a gut feeling, I wouldn't take that risk with my own precious child.

That is not to say I would go round accusing him, but I would go out there with DD and say hello and wave whenever I saw him come out. Just being neighbourly... and making sure he knew I was aware of him.

Hassled · 04/10/2011 22:25

FFS - could you lot be any harsher? The OP is worried - rightly or wrongly. She needs reassurance, not a fucking harangue. Give her a break. If my random neighbour only ever appeared when my young child did, my eyebrows would raise a bit.

DownbytheRiverside · 04/10/2011 22:40

'Easy when it's not your life, and not your child. Is it so difficult to put yourself into someone else's shoes?'

I was putting myself in someone else's shoes. My 16 year old son with Asperger's syndrome. Socially inept and given to staring at objects that interest him with a fixed expression. Currently those objects are Gothic architectural features and slow worms.
Your point being?

skybluepearl · 04/10/2011 22:41

I think you need to follow your instincts OP. I'm talking as someone who has worked with offenders

Pendeen · 04/10/2011 22:57

" AIBU to ask the police for one of those disclusure things? "

Yes. YABU.

Only someone who is worried about a partner (e.g. intimate, living with her, children in the house etc) is entitled to this.

As a neighbour you are not entitled to anything more than any member of the public i.e. nothing.

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