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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed with my friend?

48 replies

eshermum101 · 04/10/2011 10:56

I asked my friend if her husband would mind dropping ds1 home from football practice this evening as my husband is away and the mum who usually does it is sick (I have 2 other children who are one and three so the seven o'clock pick up is tricky). her husband helps out at the football so is always there, with their son who is in the same class as mine at school. She responded "no" because it would be a detour and her son cannot spare the time as he has homework. Her son is seven, and the "detour" is five minutes at most as we are on their way home..... I have known her for three years, and we regularly socialise (in face we are supposed to be going out to dinner with them this Friday). Am I being unreasonably to be irked that she won't help me out, as if the tables were turned I wouldn't hesitate.....

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 11:01

YANBU to be disappointed she can't help for a one off, some people aren't very helpful.

YABU if you think other people should always run round after your DCs, if you can't arrange to get them to/from events without other people's free help, then your DCs can't really do them.

Oggy · 04/10/2011 11:02

If he is 7 and has homework to do and they aren't leaving football practice until 7 then I can understand her wantingt o get her son straight home.

I know its only 5 minutes but maybe she stresses easilly about getting stuff done or her son is knackered and just needs to get work done and straight to bed with no delay.

IMO you asked favour but she can't do and gave valid reasons (not that she owes any reasons), that should be the end of it. Favours aren't a right.

moogster1a · 04/10/2011 11:05

Sounds very unhelpful of her. maybe she knows her husband would get stroppy if asked to doit. After all, it'd be him giving the lift, not her.

RunforFun · 04/10/2011 11:08

I would be a bit miffed too, after all sounds like a one off favour you are asking for.

Shows their true colours I think...

AKMD · 04/10/2011 11:09

YANBU to be disappointed, but she could have just said 'no' and not given any reasons.

chicletteeth · 04/10/2011 11:11

It does sound a little petty that she won't do it, unless like another poster says she stressed out easily about these things.

That said, it also sounds petty that as a one off you won't just take your two little ones and put them in their pj's before putting them in the car/buggy (wrapped up with blankets if the latter of course) and just collect him yourself this once.
They may even fall asleep, you never know.

Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:11

wanker old her. Even if it's a bit of a pain you do it because one day you might need help from someone.

kenobi · 04/10/2011 11:11

Is she worried it would become a regular expectation on your part? Am I right in thinking that someone else usually does the drop off for you but couldn't today?

I'd happily help someone if it was a one-off but would be extremely wary of it becoming an expected part of my evening without any reciprocation.

CustardCake · 04/10/2011 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskyatnight · 04/10/2011 11:16

If husband helps at the football will he actually be leaving at 7 or perhaps having to pack stuff away etc before he goes? I'm always loathe to take other children if I'm helping at an event because it means extra DC to watch (and potentially get in the way), more likely they will get boisterous if more than 1 etc.

Also if he is leaving later that makes the homework even harder to fit in. Perhaps they were planning to do spelling/tables in the car on the way home which wouldn't really work with another child there?

BatsUpMeNightie · 04/10/2011 11:17

I always think you can judge very well a person's true character by their response to a simple ask/request. You might think you know and like them but shit like this only goes to prove that actually they're not worth the know or like.

Suckstobeme · 04/10/2011 11:18

She does not sound like a friend TBH

Oggy · 04/10/2011 11:20

Fucking hell bats, you must go through friends like nobodies business if this scenario in the OP would be enough to make the friend "not worth the know or like"

Oggy · 04/10/2011 11:21

you can also tell a friend by the way they react if you are unable to do them a favour on a particular occassion. If they stamp their foot and expect the world to revolve around them they are probably not worth it..

redskyatnight · 04/10/2011 11:22

... and let's all please remember that the husband "helps out at football" - probably in a voluntary capacity. If he didn't, there might well be no football club for OP's DS to go to. He is already doing a lot for her DS.

Original poster

eshermum101 · 04/10/2011 11:25

Lydia wickam - of course I don't expect people to run around after my children....this was a one off because the mum I do a car pool with is sick, as is her son....and I would have thought twice if it was a long detour (it is in fact a case of turning off into my close, so a max of driving ten houses each way). However, I do take her son to early morning swim practice once a week with mine (as her husband leaves too early in the morning to do the drop off ) which saves her two trips to school so it's not like I have never done her any favours (and she is more than a five minute detour on my way!!)

OP posts:

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:26

I'd imagine she has her reasons.

Does the other parent who is ill always do this favour for you?

Do you reciprocate?

I have friends who take the piss with their demands and have decided the rule is, if you cannot or will not reciprocate, don't ask someone else to look after your children/give you a lift/get your shopping.

If you do stuff in return then it's fine.

Possibly she just doesn't want to get into a regular thing. The 7pm thing is 'tricky' for you but perhaps it's possible as a one off? It's clearly tricky for them as well.

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:27

X posts. If you are regularly taking her son to places then of course you're not being unreasonable to ask for a one off favour.

Does she normally do other things for you? (seeing as the whole story isn't coming in one go)

AKMD · 04/10/2011 11:29

If you do the swimming and school run twice a week then YANBU.

Original poster

eshermum101 · 04/10/2011 11:38

...and redskyatnight, my dh coaches at the local rugby club which her son goes to so i think we are even in terms of community contribution!!! To be honest, I hadn't really analysed it that deeply in terms of totting up contributions!!

OP posts:

Original poster

eshermum101 · 04/10/2011 11:44

In response to the questions, yes i regularly help her as without my help her son wouldn't be able to do the swim team and as she is a friend and her son is a nice little boy it's no skin off my nose to pick him up as I do the journey anyway and dh can look after mynlittle ones while i make the 7am journey. She does nothing for me in return and I have never seen this as a problem (until now!). The friend that is sick is someone I do a "carpool" with - I.e. She does one week and I do the other. As this was her week, my husband did not know it would be inconvenient to be away....I don't expect people to ferry my kids around every week!

OP posts:

Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:47

Can't believe the responses on here.

If you are a civilised adult human being, and someone says, Would you mind doing me a favour which will barely inconvenience you, just this once, as I am a bit stuck, the only possible response is, Yes, of course.

How on earth do you lot carry on with your friends??

Oggy · 04/10/2011 11:48

Right, well the swim run does add a different slant (why on earth didn't you mention in the OP, it's clearly relevant and will affect how people respond).

It does make her appear on the face of it a bit more of a meanie (but bear in mind that it is her husband bringing the boys home so it could easilly be him being the meanie not her!).

That said, you shouldn't give to receive and favours are a kindness not a right, perhaps her husband said no and she feels a bit embarrased about that but can't do anything about it, after all he's doing the driving...?

Oggy · 04/10/2011 11:49

hullygully, how do you know it will barely inconvenience her?

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:55

Now you've explained the situation more comprehensively, you're definitely not being unreasonable. However I think there must be more to it on her part as it's so bonkers just to say no.

You would be within your rights to stop giving her child regular lifts after half term I think, or until you find out why she won't do anything in return, if that's the case - she ought to be doing something for you to thank you for the lifts he is getting.

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