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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a complete rethink my wedding?

31 replies

GruffalowsMammy · 03/10/2011 14:23

Sorry another wedding AIBU.

We are due to get married next summer (church service followed by high tea), last week I started thinking do I want this sort of wedding (its has spiraled from 40 guests and is now 60 +, I wasn't going to wear a wedding dress, now I am and its a huge - which I do really like but never pictured wearing such a thing).

Originally I wanted to go abroad and DP wanted to keep to siblings their partners, parents and grandparents guest wise.

So AIBU to ditch the old wedding in favour of having a much smaller wedding abroad. I would only be losing 50 pounds if I cancel (deposit for church) as reception was at home and I was catering it, dress has been picked but not bought and no invites have been sent. However I have told everyone were getting married including asking the Mothers of 2 little girls if they could be bridesmaids (this is the bit I feel bad about, though the girls are 1 & nearly 2 so probably aren't to aware of it).

OP posts:
Crosshair · 03/10/2011 14:24

Discuss it with your dp and do what you both want. Its your day afterall.

Callisto · 03/10/2011 14:25

Have the wedding you want, not the wedding you think you ought to have. It is still ages away and I can't imagine anyone having a strop if you cancel now.

Original poster
GruffalowsMammy · 03/10/2011 14:34

DP wants a small wedding, but feels we would be putting people out if we canceled now. I have been thinking how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I would be a little disappointed (I love going to weddings) but at the same time I would want my friend/ family member to be happy so wouldn't mind to much.

The other thing is I want a winter wedding/ Christmas so it would be in early December, but this means my bil will be unable to come due to his job DSis is a bit of a loon so could be completely fine about it or completely insane.

If we do go abroad (Denmark) we will have a party for everyone when were back.

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 03/10/2011 14:34

Have your wedding the way you want.

If easier, work out how much your current wedding will cost, and then add cost of honeymoon. Then compare against dream wedding abroad ....

If you arent fussed about big white dress, aisle, formal dinner etc, and happen to be over 30 with kids, then go for aborad wedding!

AMumInScotland · 03/10/2011 14:35

Talk to DP and agree together what you both actually want from this. I'm sure the little girls won't know one way or the other, and their mums will hardly be distraught over it.

The two of you are the ones who are going to look back on this as the day you got married - make it one that you'll be happy to look back on as "yours" and not something that just sort of happened to you.

AMumInScotland · 03/10/2011 14:37

You won't be putting people out if you change it now.

ProfYaffle · 03/10/2011 14:42

YANBU - dh and I did more or less the same. Found ourselves in the middle of a huge wedding we didn't want. We cancelled our venue, losing more money than you would, and had the small do we wanted. No-one gave us a hard time and we've never regretted it.

diddl · 03/10/2011 14:43

If you haven´t sent invitations out, how can it have spiralled?

Just cull the guests to what you want.

Original poster
GruffalowsMammy · 03/10/2011 14:45

cook if we go abroad it will be about a grand more but that is if we pay for everyones flights and accommodation. My parents are very kindly giving us money as is my nan and the wedding will actually only cost us about 500 pounds.

Amum your right I want to look back on the day and feel relaxed and I am sure DP wants that as well.

OP posts:
tigermoll · 03/10/2011 14:47

YANBU. Ditch the wedding you don't want, - as you say, you haven't even sent out invites yet, so no one will have booked hotels/transport/time off work, and so won't be inconvenienced. Have the wedding abroad, and a big party when you come home, - that way people who want to celebrate with you will be able to, but without the fuss and hassle of forking out to travel abroad.

Original poster
GruffalowsMammy · 03/10/2011 14:49

diddl I think the spiralling is all in the planning, everything is planned and ready to go.
Also we both have big ish families and my parents want their sibling, partners and children to be invited (which I find odd as we rarely saw them growing up and we all lived with in about 10 miles of each other).

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 03/10/2011 14:51

I'd do it the way you want and change it all asap before you feel like you're on a runaway train.

In the current economic environment you could use finance as an "excuse" if you need one - but in reality, it's YOUR wedding so do what suits you.

ViviPru · 03/10/2011 14:51

"if we go abroad it will be about a grand more but that is if we pay for everyones flights and accommodation"

Was about to start another rant about overseas weddings until I read the above. That's the way to do it OP :)

ENormaSnob · 03/10/2011 14:53

Just go abroad.

Crosshair · 03/10/2011 14:54

Whatever you choose you will never please everyone, so you might as well please yourselves. :)

diddl · 03/10/2011 14:56

Well I wouöld say go abroad if that´s the wedding that you want.

Or tell your parents that it´s not up to them who attends, but you!

FellatioNelson · 03/10/2011 14:57

It's not too late - do whatever makes you happiest. Explain the situation to the mother of the children, I am sure she will understand and they are too young to care anyway. You don't owe it to anyone to provide a big wedding. I had a big white wedding the first time, and it was fine. But I had a very small, very personal wedding the second time, and it was tons better IMHO.

lostinindia · 03/10/2011 14:59

Another vote here for doing what you want rather than what you think others expect.

Original poster
GruffalowsMammy · 03/10/2011 15:01

diddl I've had many conversations with them about this. I knew it was coming as my DSis was married last year and our parents declared their siblings should attend we were all very WTF???

Vivi we don't want everyone to be out of pocket especially as it would be about 3 weeks before xmas :)

We have spoken about eloping before but I think our mothers would kill us and my dad would cry.

OP posts:
YellowDave · 03/10/2011 15:04

You don't owe it to anyone but your parents and Nan may well decide not to halp you financially if they are not allowed to invite the people they want.

Despite this I would still have your wedding the way you want or you will only regret it. I personally wouldn't pay for all flights and accommodation as you wouldn't pay travel and accommodation costs for all your wedding guests in this country. I'd pay for flights and let them pay for accommodation (or if you want to pay for accommodation hire a big house for the weekend to keep costs down instead of hotels)

diddl · 03/10/2011 15:18

I think that you should go for what you want.

Even though you´ve already told some people "when & where", it´s not "official" until the invitations go out, is it?

Presumably your parents & nan can pay for themselves with money that they would have contributed.

What if that´s all that they want to do, though?

LydiaWickham · 03/10/2011 15:19

go abroad. Pay for the people you really want to be there, then you can offer general invites to others, some will make it, most won't.

For the mum of the bridesmaids, it would be upsetting if you still had a UK wedding and had different bridesmaids, going abroad is a different matter.

Alternatively, you could stay in the UK but just scale it back a lot - just because your parents want your Aunts/Uncles/cousins there, doesn't mean you have to invite them! If you don't know these people, don't invite them. Really, would you recognise them if you passed them in the street? It's your wedding, while family are important, if you want a small wedding, you can do that here too.

Alateratively, if they are paying and you feel you can't say no to who they want at the wedding if it's in the UK, I have a friend who after similar issues decided to split the max numbers they were going to have in to quarters, she had a quarter for her friends, her DH2B had a quarter, both sets of parents were given a quarter. Parents were told they could invite who ever they wanted, but that was their family allocation of seats and that number had to include themselves and the bride/groom's siblings.

And re the dress - it's your wedding dress, if you don't want a huge dress, don't have one! I really loved my wedding dress, but my mum was most disappointed it looked (in her words) just like a cream evening gown. I know big dresses are in fashion, but you can look for a simple cream dress even for a church wedding. (Get thee to style and beauty, the ladies over there will find you something magical, they always do!)

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2011 15:33

Firstly, stop thinking that changing your plans will put anyone out - it won't. Invites have not been sent, the potential bridesmaids are too young to care, and your original date is far enough away that no-one will have bought outfits/booked babysitters etc yet. It is all still in the planning stage.

Before you change your plans, ask yourself why the plans don't suit - for example, when you didn't originally plan to wear a wedding dress, why did you then decide to wear one you describe as "huge"? You've already answered about why the guest list has increased - your parents "declared" their siblings etc were coming. Now, ask yourself why their declaration trumps you and your DP's decision? Just because your sister had them to hers, does not mean you have to follow suit.

Winter weddings are lovely. Does it have to be before Christmas? It's still nice and wintry in February, I had a swirl of snow on the day and everything! Perhaps that would allow BIL to attend?

Whatever you decide, remember that you will resent anything that you feel you were pushed into doing. And frankly, your parents sound as if they need to be reined in. Perhaps the threat that you will elope if they insist on their siblings could be a way to go?

tyler80 · 03/10/2011 15:43

Can I just ask, why Denmark?

BatsUpMeNightie · 03/10/2011 15:48

How does a 2 year old either be a bridesmaid or hold a lifelong grudge that they won't be?