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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset and furious and want to give this boy a slap?

33 replies

WannabeNigella · 03/10/2011 09:22

Of course I wouldn't really slap him but I'm so upset as well as furious and want some wise words please.

We pulled up outside school today and ds 4.5 said the child in the car next to him (about two years older) had told him the other day he couldn't play with them as they didn't like people in glasses. (DS wears glasses). I was instantly furious and asked DS what he did, he said nothing, just went away and played on my own.

I feel so devastated for him. I know it's a minor problem in the grand scale of things in life but he has only been at school three weeks and I'm so upset that he was rejected in this way.

I want to tell him what to do should this happen again but don't know if telling a teacher is the right way to go about it and don't want to make it a bigger thing than it actually is. Telling him to ignore them doesn't seem enough either. So any wise words for me mumsnetters that I can pass on to my gorgeous boy?

OP posts:

Greythorne · 03/10/2011 09:24

I think you are overreacting, tbh. It is upsetting that kids in the playground may not treat other kids as we would like, but it is a fact of life and fury about itnis way OTT.

Miette · 03/10/2011 09:26

I usually say to my girls that if someone is unkind that they should walk off and go and find someone kind to play with. In this instance i might mention it to the teacher via the school message book so she can have a general word about it.

cory · 03/10/2011 09:26

At dcs' infants school the rule was that you tell a teacher if anyone (you or another child) is hurt or upset. It worked well, the teacher could then decide where to take it from there, but it did get the children into a routine where they looked out for each other and there was no stigma for telling. At the same time the way it was phrased made it clear that they weren't interested in general tell-tales (of the Miss, Katie is using the wrong pen- variety). "hurt or upset" seems good to me and would cover your son's case. The teacher may choose to deal with it through a general talk or taking the other little boy aside.

GypsyMoth · 03/10/2011 09:27

You are over reacting!!

Tryharder · 03/10/2011 09:28

I would definitely mention to the teacher who hopefully will work with the children on being kind, physical differences etc..

BupcakesandCunting · 03/10/2011 09:30

You're not over-reacting.

It IS upsetting when your child feels excluded and you DO hurt for them. However, it is part and parcel of school life, unfortunately, and all kids will feel left out at some point.

All you can do is teach your son to be resilient to it, if you can. Hope he has a better day today. :)

aldiwhore · 03/10/2011 09:31

Horrible for you, but kids are cruel. I would say, do nothing right now as far as speaking to teachers is concerned, it could be a one off and as your son has told you long after the fact, its in the past.

Look for repeated instances though, ask your son every day how his day has been and has he had a nice time with his friends, don't ask him if he's been picked on though, let him offer you that information. Talk to him about self confidence and NOT believing/caring what others say.

My son was in this situation last year, he has inverted nipples and whilst changing for PE got mocked for having 'boobs like a girly'. Obviously it upset him, and we had a chat about how to deal with it. Left it at that, it didn't happen again.

However, later in the year, a boy in his circle of friends started calling him fatty and stupid... this happened regularly over a short period of time, I spoke to the class teacher, I didn't use the word 'bully' - I firmly believed this was a case of my son and this other boy having very little tolerance of each other and my son reacting to the first instance badly, then it became habit (my son tends to flounce, and it IS pure comedy gold to watch) because the other boy has got the reaction he wanted. NOT NICE, however, not bullying. It could have turned into that though. This other lad is actually a nice boy.

The class teacher had a word with both of them, got them to explain what happened, got them to shake hands and start again. Its never happened since.

You've got to be on the ball. Sometimes one name call and reaction will be enough to start the slippery slope towards bullying, sometimes its a one off. Its very important that your son TELLS you about it as soon as he possibly can, to give you a realistic gauge of what's really going on.

GypsyMoth · 03/10/2011 09:33

So this other boy is year 2? Your ds is reception? So separate teachers and this was a playground thing?

JeremyVile · 03/10/2011 09:35

I dont think how you feel is ott at all.

You know it's just what happens, it will happen again, and all kids go through it but he's your son and you instinctively feel protective, especially at such young age.

I think its a good idea to let him talk about incidents like this but try to....not downplay it as such, but be breezy in your reaction - "oh, it sounds like he was a bit of a silly boy, probably best to play with someone a bit nicer" then change the subject, hopefully he'll take his lead from you and just shrug it off. I don't think it needs taking up with the school, unless it became a regular thing.

But you have my sympathy, it's hard seeing them getting knocks before they can even make sense of it, no matter how much you know it's perfectly normal stuff. He'll be fine, honestly

fedupofnamechanging · 03/10/2011 09:35

I would have a quiet word with the teacher, as this sort of behaviour shouldn't be allowed to continue unchecked.

It's true that kids in the playground won't always behave kindly, but if kids can be cruel and not get pulled up on it, then they will never change. Part of the school's job is to teach children socially acceptable behaviour, so they need to be made aware of this.

Original poster

WannabeNigella · 03/10/2011 09:38

Thanks all. Like I said I don't want to blow it all out of proportion by telling a teacher and then it making things worse for my ds but I also want to be able to tell him how to handle it well too. Miette what you said was helpful.

I loveTIFFANY My ds is reception yes and I believe this boy was a couple of years older and was a playground thing.

DS was more than happy to go to school today and has never mentioned this incident before and we always talk about his day etc, I think I'd be none the wiser now if we hadn't have happened to pull up next to this boy today.

OP posts:

MosEisley · 03/10/2011 09:59

good post, aldiwhore.

OP, I'll be worrying about the same thing next year when DS2 starts school. DS1 told me recently that he thought DS2 would be picked on because he wears glasses. So I'll be looking for good advice on this thread.

2BoysTooLoud · 03/10/2011 10:03

I would mention it to the teacher so playground supervisors etc can keep an eye on situation.
Don't think it is OTT to discuss with teacher at all.

cory · 03/10/2011 10:06

assuming that the teacher is sensible and that you are calm, it doesn't have to be OTT or blowing anything out of proportion

you have a quiet word to let teacher know your ds is upset

she has a quiet word (or whatever else seems appropriate) about being kind to people (and instructs dinner ladies to keep an extra eye for a few weeks)

aldiwhore · 03/10/2011 10:06

My son LOVES glasses and he wants some, his best friend wears glasses and is the coolest boy ever, apparantly!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/10/2011 10:12

What cory said.

I would talk to the teacher. And I would absolutely expect my own ds to receive an appropriate bollocking if he'd been the mean party in a situation like this.

Pagwatch · 03/10/2011 10:13

Yes. I agree with Cory.
It is possible to find a way through not saying anything and blowing it out of proportion.

My dd quite cheerfully admitted to me when she was 5 or so that she didn't like a child in her class because ' she had curly hair'

I had a very calm but emphatic conversation with her about ' gosh what a silly thing to say! How would you feel if decided she didn't like you because you have brown hair. Or asthma. Or are taller than her. The fact that we are all different is what makes the world fun'
But I mentioned it to the teacher just so she was aware that I was handling it and she decided to have the 'differences are fine' chat. I think they have that chat regularly to be honest.
Kids can be daft without intending to be mean

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 03/10/2011 10:46

It could be something and nothing OP.

Or it could be the start of this boy bullying children who look different to him/ younger than him/have circumstances he knows are different to his. It's not on to exclude someone for looking different, if this were skin colour you'd be in no doubt about reporting it.

OP someone on here recommended a book called Bullies, Big-Mouths and So-Called Friends to me and I ordered it a couple of weeks ago. It's written in a way that children can get interested in but it's been quite helpful to me too. I recommend it.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it OP, but I would mention it to the teacher and ask her if she has noticed a problem.

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 03/10/2011 10:51

I presume the people saying that the OP is OTT never had the whole of their school lives blighted because they were called 4 eyes?

I am 46, and now have contacts. I wear glasses, like now, when I'm in the house on my own. But I never look in the mirror when I have them on, and no-one ever sees me with them on. Not even dh and dd.

Guess that's OTT as well.

aldiwhore · 03/10/2011 10:56

No but I was called fatty for most of my childhood.

There is a time for intervention, there is a time for simply being aware, there's a time for walking away, and one for fighting back.

Being aware, having calm chats, etc., can avoid a child from either being bullied or becoming one. If you demonise someone too soon, unjustly, they will become worse.

Its shit that anyone is ever picked on, but even good kids will do it at some point. What is important foryourdreams is that it doesn't escalate into what you or I experienced... and I do firmly believe that using a sldgehammer to crack a nut is not the way to start. (Maybe later!!)

I don't think anyone is saying the OP is unreasonable for feeling hurt on behalf of her precious child, but that a tentative approach is what's needed at THIS moment in time. In her child's best interests.

lovinme · 03/10/2011 11:13

I can't see why people are saying you are over reacting,when my DS was 7 he got told by a little girl she didn't want to play with him because she didn't like black people was I over reacting to go to the teacher no of course I wasn't,so speak to a teacher.

Flowerista · 03/10/2011 11:21

It sucks that you can't protect them from the inevitable slights when they're still so wee, and especially when you're so keen they start school on a positive note.

Of course they get a bit tougher and learn to shrug off the small stuff, but it's important they know that the school is there to support them if they get into a pickle.

My DS has a large red birthmark on his chest that always attracts curiosity from kids, not unkind just curious. As it's highly visible at swimming time we let school know what it is. They said they would be alert to reactions from the kids and help everyone understand the issue in a way that downplayed and didn't make my DS uncomfortable should the need arise.

As far as I know there's been no issue, but it's comforting to know the school will ensure tolerance of little differences. Makes me think that as the kids get older they'll develop that tolerance and understanding and chances of being picked on will lessen.

Kladdkaka · 03/10/2011 11:22

I assume people are saying she is overreacting because she is saying she is furious and wants to give a 5/6 year old a slap.

aquashiv · 03/10/2011 11:26

Am afraid you are going to have to get used to all the things kids say to each other esp you cant play with me because lines.....I hear it most days. Just tell your DS to respond good I wouldnt want to play with you anyway. You will drive yourself potty if you dont.

lovinme · 03/10/2011 11:26

I wanted to slap the girl for saying that to my son I never obviously,I wanted to slap her mother even more because she didn't give shit about what her daughter said and just had a stupid smirk on her face the whole time I was talking to her!

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