Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have completely blown up at 'd'h?

75 replies

olibeansmummy · 02/10/2011 22:15

Just a rant really but he's been sooo unhelpful this weekend I've come to the end of my tether.

On Saturday I got up with ds while he had a lie in but he said I could have one the next day.

Then he announced football was on and what was I doing with ds? Then he gave me a list of errands to do while I was out with him.

When I got back he was on the new f1 game and there he stayed until after tea when I told him he HAD to give ds SOME attention that day ( the attention involved putting toy story on for him... Hmm).

Then he refused to turn the tv off in the bedroom til after match of the day and just before we went to sleep announced that I was no longer having a lie in ( no point arguing he'd just not get up which isn't fair on ds).

Ds was sick when coughing in the night and the best he could do to help was yell at me to clean it up before it got on the mattress, when I was trying to comfort ds and clean him up, then go back to bed Angry.

He refused to come to church so I had to deal with ds by myself. And guess what he did... Yes x box Angry.

I've done all the cooking and he's taken to asking for things by copying 2 year old ds ie. ' juice', 'brew' ( although ds can now manage to ask better than this) and he'll keep going on and on til I give in an do it.... Everytime he wants something.

He hasn't lifted a finger all weekend and has hardly acknowledged ds :( so when he demanded a brew just now I went mental at him and now HE'S not talking to ME!!

Now I know it's nit the AIBU of the century but just...... Arghhhhhhhh!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/10/2011 06:45

and - if you made a stand, said that you will no longer be treated like this, and your husband's response was to leave, would your son no longer have a dad?

I mean, if you split up - would your son no longer have a father?

and, for a man you described in your OP as 'hardly acknowledging' your son - what difference would it make where he lived?

I am just trying to make you see that your argument that this is not an option because you don't want to deprive your son of a father just doesn't hold water.

Consider all your options.

joshandjamie · 03/10/2011 07:07

He sounds dreadful. Has he always been this way or is it a recent thing? If he's always been this way, he's going to argue that you knew what you were marrying. If it's a recent thing, perhaps there's something going on with him - depressed, incredibly stressed about work - that's causing it.

Either way, you can't put up with it (although if it's the latter you might be able to talk to him to get to the bottom of the problem).

Regardless of whether he works fulltime or not, you work fulltime being a mum and running a house. Fulltime live in nannies earn anywhere between £250 and £600 per week depending on where you live. And that's only where they have to do two nights of babysitting a week, rather than cleaning up sick and being on duty every night, all night. I guess you'd pay a lot more if that was part of their job spec.

A cleaner costs about £10 per hour. How many hours cleaning do you do a week? Factor that in or tell him that fulltime housekeepers earn between £14k and £18k.

No idea what chefs earn or what ladies or the night charge for services rendered, but I reckon with his attitude, he'd have to start paying for that kind of thing because he wouldn't be getting it from me!

So you could tell him that he can either start paying you these kind of sums, or he can pay someone else to do them and you'll go back to work or he can start to lift a finger around the house.

This is a marriage. You're a family, not a hotel serving a guest.

I'd also point out to him that he's setting a really poor example of what a father and husband are supposed to be like to your child.

And then think carefully about whether you'd be willing to leave him if he didn't change.

LindyHemming · 03/10/2011 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZonkedOut · 03/10/2011 07:24

I think if he's going to behave like a child, start treating him like one, except for doing his washing, etc. You need to out stubborn him too. Like with a child, you need to accept that it may get worse before it gets better, but don't give in!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 03/10/2011 07:33

It's not like the 1950s.

Neither of my grandfathers treated their wives like servants.

Gender roles were more strictly separated - but men did not sit around playing games and bullying their wives. They had their own responsibilities to attend to in the home. One of which was providing money - so there was none of this crap about "I earn more, so it's mine".

This particular kind of abusiveness - getting a woman into a financially weaker position and then using it as an excuse for keeping all the money and demanding being treated as their lord and master is new.

Boys are being brought up with no sense of responsibility, no pride in themselves as men, but a massive sense of childish entitlement to fun and treats and a desire to have someone to boss around.

Others are saying it as a joke, but I mean it - leave the bastard. He is unkind and a bully. You don't have to put up with it and your son deserves a better upbringing.

MmeLindor. · 03/10/2011 07:35

His reasoning for treating you like a slave is that he earns more money?

Well, that is a crock of shit.

A marriage is a partnership, and he seems to be taking all the good bits and leaving you with the dregs.

And yes, Hecate is right. Do you want your son to think that this is acceptable behaviour? That it is ok to treat women like this?

Is he like this with other women (his mum or female family members) or just you?

minibmw2010 · 03/10/2011 07:35

Whenever I read messages like this I Wang to take that person to one side and give them a firm slap !!! Extreme? Maybe so, but I've been that child stuck in the middle of two parents who have clearly reached the end of the road as a couple and it's a horrible place to be. I defy anyone to tell me them staying together for my sake was a good thing because I knew things were bad even from a very young age. I have blocked out almost everything from my young childhood, I genuinely struggle to find good memories Sad. I have a DS (and thankfully a lovely DH) but if things were to change we will split, I will not allow my child to have that childhood.

Not living together won't stop your H being your DS's father but it might stop you being such a doormat and (at the moment) a bad role model to your son. You can change this but it's up to you as clearly your H isn't going to do it.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 03/10/2011 07:39

I agree with Hecate in her 6:45 post.
You are a woman as well as a mother, you need to find some self worth and think about things properly.

Please don't tolerate being treated so badly.

wellwisher · 03/10/2011 07:41

Take the plug off the xbox. Seriously.

Ephiny · 03/10/2011 07:45

Just because he earns more, doesn't mean he can treat you as his personal servant and be as rude and lazy as he feels like at home - that is just not how marriage is supposed to work. Anyway, while he might spend more time at work, I bet you spend much more time looking after DS (as well as going out to work yourself) so surely it balances out? In fact you almost certainly work harder than him and contribute more to the family in general - you're not the one having lie ins and lounging around watching football and playing computer games all weekend!

Don't give in to his rude demands. If he wants something from you, he can ask politely. And you're not obliged to do something just because he asks, especially if he doesn't bother doing anything for you. Let him fetch his own drinks for a change - or even get you one!

Groovee · 03/10/2011 09:02

I'd remove the leads to the xbox and hide them. Then refuse to make him a cup of tea unless I dumped it over his head. No one should be treated like this.

Jackstini · 03/10/2011 15:28

Really hoping you have had a big talk with him and are sorting this out.
Would love him to see this thread!

eurochick · 03/10/2011 15:55

He sounds like an epic twat. What is this "man" really bringing to the lives of you and your son?

If my husband said "brew" or "juice" to me I would just laugh. You really need to put your foot down. So what if a stand off lasts hours? You're miserable anyway. You might as well be miserable with the chance of accomplishing some improvement out of him.

Pakdooik · 03/10/2011 16:02

This man sounds like a total arse. You have to stand up to him. IMO you have two choices. Sit him down and tell him to mend his ways or kick him out.

Sounds like a throw back to the dark ages. What's a grown man doing with computer games anyway?

QuietTiger · 03/10/2011 16:19

Bluntly? If my DH told me "juice" and expected me to get it for him, I'd shove it up his arse.

He is behaving like a childish, spoilt, over-indulged wanker. You need to put him in his place and point out a few home truths, the main one being that you are not his doormat and he needs to treat you with some respect.

beakinthebeeswax · 03/10/2011 16:22

Tell him where to stick his brew, how dare he be so unhelpful and rude to you. He sounds like a teenager!

He should have helped you with your sick child straight away, no questions asked.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2011 16:22

"secondly he pulls out the 'well I work full time/ earn more money card "

Might I suggest that the correct response to that particular twattery would be "You can be replaced by tax credits, the Welfare State and careful budgeting." ?

Seriously OP,

HeidiKat · 03/10/2011 16:42

He sounds like an entitled, childish cunt and I agree with the posters who have said that you need to think hard about whether it is best for your son to grow up seeing you treated this way or with parents who are separated and a mother who has some self respect. I would not put up with being spoken to like that and he needs a short sharp shock to realise that if he continues to do so he may well lose you, you deserve better than this.

LindyHemming · 03/10/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dawntigga · 03/10/2011 17:34

You know what, all those things he thinks the fairies pop down and do when he isn't looking like cleaning, laundry etc? Just stop doing them for him.

WouldNotPutUpWithFuckwitteryOnThatScaleTiggaxx

Eglu · 03/10/2011 17:43

I don't know how you can live like that. There is no way I would allow my DH to treat me like that.

Like others have said you are practically a single parent anyway.

Original poster
olibeansmummy · 03/10/2011 19:24

Hi sorry for late response, been busy all day! I had a massive rant at him after tea and he says he'll help more and show an actual interest in ds but... We shall see. I can tell you one think though I WILL NOT put up with another weekend like the ones I've had lately, I just can't.

OP posts:
ThePopsicleKat · 03/10/2011 20:32

Well done for taking a stand, OP. I'm still trying to work out why his earning more money means that he is entitled to act like a spoiled child and treat you with absolutely no respect.

Helping more with your DS is important obviously, let's hope he takes that to heart. But I hope you're also pushing in massive changes in how he treats you as well. Good luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 03/10/2011 20:44

"help more"? It is his child. It is called parenting. Not helping. Really really sad that he needs to be told he will show "an actual interest" in his own child.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2011 21:04

WhereYouLeftIt
Brilliant response!

OP - well done.
Please come back here for more support as and when you need it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread