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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want dd age 12 to go on a two hour train journey unaccompanied

59 replies

Kensingtonia · 02/10/2011 09:19

DD age 12 (school year 8) has been invited to stay the weekend with her best friend from primary school who has moved to a town 2 hours away by train. It is a straight journey by train with no changes. I would put her on the train at Euston and the friend's mother would meet her at the other end and put her on the train to go home. DD is happy to make the journey by herself. DH got very angry when I told him of this plan and said he didn't want her to on the train by herself in case "something happened to her". We had a massive row about it. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 02/10/2011 10:53

I did it at 11 or so, train journey down to Doncaster to see a friend I'd met on holiday. My mum put me on the train beside a woman who was going further, IYSWIM, asked her to keep an eye on me, and off I went.

Have you taken her on a train journey before would be my first question. I think as long as she knows how quickly she needs to get off the train, is able to manage her luggage, knows what to do if it goes wrong, has a phone and knows where the toilets are she'll be fine.

And of course you're not going to send her at midnight on a Saturday, or the day of the big football match so she should be fine!

What's the set-up like at your local station? what I mean is, most routes start at our station so I would be able to physically put DS onto the train.

callmemrs · 02/10/2011 11:05

Presumably at 12 she has already spent at least 2 hours apart from you and your dh, while shopping with friends, going to friends houses, cinema etc? What is it about the train journey which seems so inherently dangerous to your dh? Statistically its probably a lot safer than being out with her mates (could get knocked down while crossing road) or even round friends houses (you cant always know who's there, older siblings, visitors). I'm not saying that to scaremonger , just to rationalise it. Often people have strange perceptions of risk, and make strange decisions based on it. I would honestly have thought a train journey with no changes, where she will be met the other end is actually safer than many other scenarios shes no doubt been in already. If you drive to her friends shes Statistically more likely to come to harm! Honestly unless she lives a cotton wool existence and never goes round to her mates and never goes off shopping etc, she will have already been in many more situations where things could go wrong

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/10/2011 11:14

Yes, no problem. My DD has spent the last year going to visit her friend at weekends, by train, on her own. The journey takes just under an hour, and she crosses Paris on the metro on her own to get home too. I used to go and visit friends in Cornwall on my own in the Easter holidays, from the age of 10 - it was fine. And from the age of 15, I was getting boat and train from London to Strasbourg. If I hadn't previously been used to the Cornwall run, and four hours on a train, I probably would have been a bit daunted by this.

margerykemp · 02/10/2011 11:24

My friend gave me a horrified face when i suggested her 12yo dd could get the 2hr, 2 stop train to mine. It's the end of the line so no chance of missing stop. She thinks there are paedophiles everywhere. It is unreasonable paranoia.

Faithless12 · 02/10/2011 11:29

Yes my fears would apply to all ages but it would depend on the train journey, the time of day etc. I only have a young LO so it's hard for me to judge at present and can only go by what I did. I was only allowed to go on very short train journeys at that age being dropped off by a parent and picked up the other end by a parent and I still managed to overshoot my station.

Only you know your DD and the train journey. I would probably go the first time with her but sit away from her so essentially she would be travelling alone but you can 'help' if anything untoward were to happen and to ensure she gets off at the right stop. I don't think you are unreasonable as only you can judge but I would talk through your DH fears.

RitaMorgan · 02/10/2011 11:38

Er... what would happen if she didn't get a seat or had to give her seat up? Maybe I'm missing something but that doesn't seem like a problem to me.

Those saying no - surely you have/would let your 12 year olds spend some time unsupervised? Haven't you told them what to do if bothered by someone in a park or shopping centre. Why would it be different on a train?

The only issue I can see is missing her stop - so talk to her about that. Otherwise I can't see an issue.

callmemrs · 02/10/2011 11:39

Arrange to call or text her ten minutes before shes due to arrive. Not much risk of her overshooting then.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 02/10/2011 11:43

I'm not sure I would - we've got a 12 and a 14 year old, and I wouldn't let them travel on their own for that distance. It's not the paedophilia at all, but I'd be worried that a situation might arise - a fight, drunken idiots etc - that they'd get caught up in and couldn't get out of.

Having read this thread though I realise I'm probably being completely overprotective on this issue, which is strange because they are pretty independent normally. I may have to rethink this.

CristinadellaPizza · 02/10/2011 11:43

Still can't see where the problem is

kat2504 · 02/10/2011 11:48

A fight and drunken idiots are more likely when they are allowed out unsupervised in your local park or shopping area. I commonly see drunken idiots outside the co-op but most people would still allow their 12 year olds to go to the shop unsupervised.
Of course, it does depend on the train journey. Some will be safer than others. I don't think in general, anyone is likely to pick a fight with a 12 year old girl who is minding her own business reading a book on a train.
2 hours might sound like a long time but it is no less safe than a 25 minute journey.
Perhaps you and your husband could make the journey yourself with your daughter to see what it is really like (probably a normal train between two normal towns, in the afternoon, with ordinary people on it) and then you can assess the real risk for yourself to decide if she can do it alone next time.
People on the internet don't know where you live and they don't know your daughter. But I really don't think hooligans are out and about everywhere on trains to be honest.

Maryz · 02/10/2011 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaTristesseDurera · 02/10/2011 11:58

YANBU

I don't think a train journey like this, with no changes, is any worse than allowing a twelve year old to get the bus to school and back by themselves. In fact I think there's less risk involved as all she has to do is sit on a train for two hours.

catsareevil · 02/10/2011 12:21

YANBU, its ridiculous to not let a 12 year old do this kind of thing. They need to practice and learn, and a 2 hour, no change train journey sounds perfectly appropriate for a 12 year old.

startail · 02/10/2011 12:43

I'd ask only 2 questions before saying yes,

is she happy to do it and
does she look secondary school age.
absolutely over rides 2, but if she a young looking Y7 she'll get some weird looks from the wrap them up in cotton wool until they are 18 brigade. I'd have let DD1 do this at 12 so long as someone saw her on and off the train and now at 13 I suspect I could drop her of at a station and leave her find the right platform etc. (she hasn't done many train journeys, but she's been through enough airports with us, school and guides that info boards etc would make sense to her.

aquafunf · 02/10/2011 12:47

yadnbu

i would/ have. there will be nothing she cant cope with. especially during daylight hours.

i travel by train a lot. even if something happened like the train being delayed, you will all know exactly where she is. she is only going to sit there. and the blinkin trains annouce every two minutes, where it is going, and what the next stop is. there is no chance of her missing it!

i think that 12 is a good age to start doing this. standard advice to my dds in any situation is find someone with kids/grandkids and if it all goes tits up, ask them what to do.

it works for them and clearly works for others as i am often asked for help (i have concluded i have one of those faces!)

worraliberty · 02/10/2011 12:49

Maisie You wouldn't let your fourteen year old do this journey?

Why????

4madboys · 02/10/2011 12:54

YANBU at all, your dh is!

we let ds1 who is 12 do journeys on the train to visit a friend on his own and at half term i am talking him to london, i will meet a friend who has an 11yr old the two of them will be dropped off at the history or science museum (their choice) and we will leave them and go off and have lunch/shop etc and then collect them at the end of the day when we are done.

they will have a packed lunch and both have mobile phones and know to stay in the museum (they will LOVE it) and we will enjoy our trip.

these kids are high school age you have to start letting them have some independence!

startail · 02/10/2011 13:05

Maisy just think back, what did you do at 12/13/14
I cycled 3 miles there and back, along a reasonably busy Country B road to see my school friend at 12.
At 13 we went shopping to Swansea on the train, a good hours journey and find our way back.
At 13 I was let loose in my grandparents city centre all day, on my own. I'm sure my mum wasn't mad on this, because I really was on my own until I caught the bus back. Long before mobiles
At 14 I started occasionally going out to village dances, walking home on my own and occasionally slipping in to the pub and yes buying the odd half of cider. (very different and I think wiser times. The landlords knew how old we were, they kept a quiet eye. As did older siblings and the bar staff in the dance. Parents knew too. We learnt to do grown up things slowly, not all at once at 18)

ChippingIn · 02/10/2011 13:12

YANBU your DH is.

She's 12 - I'm sure she's more than able to sit on a train for 2 hours by herself. She'll have a great time. Tell her he can't wrap her up in cotton wool all her life!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 02/10/2011 13:25

Yes Startail, I did all that. I didn't do a 2 hour train journey by myself at 12 or 14 though - that came a bit later, and I can't say I felt in any way deprived.

I really don't have to explain why I wouldn't let them do it - they do plenty of other things, have the independence they want and are perfectly happy. If and when they start asking for 2 hour long train journeys then we'll discuss it as a family.

RitaMorgan · 02/10/2011 13:35

What is dangerous about a train journey though Maisie?

JennyPiccolo · 02/10/2011 13:37

i got a train and an underground every day to school and back at that age. She'll be fine.

spudmasher · 02/10/2011 13:43

DD 12 travels across London on train and tube to school and back every day since Year 7. Nothing bad has happened yet. She has had extensive training in streetwiseness from her dad. Where to sit, what to look out for, what to do etc. She never gets out her phone/ i pod/ purse.
Your DD will be fine- she'll love it in fact. Fledging is so exciting and completely needed.

pinkgirlythoughts · 02/10/2011 13:45

I think 12 is probably a good age to start doing that kind of thing.... when my sisters came to visit me at uni (aged 14 and 18), I had to catch the train to Doncaster and meet them halfway, as between them they were too frightened to change trains! 18 year old sis even had to ask a man at our hometown station (which only has three trains an hour passing through it) if they were getting on the right train!

Theas18 · 02/10/2011 14:02

It's fine, risk asess it- time I'd day, likelihood of drunk football loonies etc and make mobile content intermittently. Shell be fine.

My 12yr old currently gets the train into and out if town 3-4 times a week. We are having to be a bit cautious about what time she's returning ( it varies) because after about 6.30 the train empties at the penultimate stop so should be on her own with someone of dubious intent, but that is all.

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