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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be cross with my sister?

75 replies

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 17:19

We've been to town today to have photos taken of ds, my two sisters and me.

I had one shop that I wanted to go to, to buy a couple of things but didn't want ds to see so had arranged for him to go and browse the shelves in Game with one of my sisters. I had a lengthy conversation with my sister about him just going to look and not purchasing anything as he's just had a birthday, I'm already dreading christmas due to the sheer volume of stuff that'll be bought for him and also because we were in town to have photos taken not for shopping.

We got halfway home and my sister said she'd bought him a play station game but that it didn't count because it was really cheap .

I'm really cross because she totally disregarded what I'd said but worse is that ds told her he wasn't supposed to buy anything and she's told him it doesn't matter and that she'll take the blame.

We've got home and realised the game is a 12 so too old for him anyway. I feel crap now because he's upset he can't play it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

bluelaguna · 01/10/2011 19:30

Might he be incentivised to get rid of stuff if you sell it on eBay and get money for it?

Or a frank discussion of the fact that once you are done with something, you sell/pass it on to help the environment/be ethical. With less stuff, you can enjoy the stuff you decided to keep because it isn't under loads of clutter. Like he doesn't still need a rattle (or similar) he had as a baby or Thomas the Tank figs that he (might have) had as a preschooler so this stuff is just the same, just for a higher age group. Have you got a younger relative that he might be willing to pass onto? My youngest is only 3 but she is aware that she has a 2nd cousin 18m younger than her she is more willing to part with it because she knows it will go to this little girl and she will enjoy it.

Another alternative is to ensure that the storage furniture in his room is efficient space wise and appropriate for what he needs. So that he can see it all clearly and perhaps think more clearly about what he really wants to keep rather than saying he wants to keep everything? Ikea for that.

Re the trip to the shop, it sounds as though your DS WAS actually willing to stick to your guidelines - he was just "led astray" (lighthearted!!) by his aunty. So as long as you are explicit and the adult wiht him is going to control the situation (not the fun aunty!) then I would still let him in the shop.

squeakytoy · 01/10/2011 19:36

sell it on ebay and give him the money, or do a car boot sale with him..

Original poster

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 19:37

BeerTricks - do you avoid taking your ds when you have to go to the shops? I mostly do my shopping online so that he doesn't have to come but there are times when I have to go to the city we went to today which means he has to come too as I can't go through the week when he's at school. On such trips, we'll have lunch together or a coffee and cake but there's not always money to buy video games. He asks to go in to the shops for a look at which games he'd like for his birthday or christmas and I'd feel meaner telling him not to go in at all but I see I need to re-think the whole thing.

Do you binbag/charity shop things with their knowledge/consent? I've tried involving him in de-cluttering his toy collection. I've suggested charity shops and explained about people in different situations having his toys. I've also tried ebay/carboot route but he just likes to hold on to everything.

OP posts:

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 01/10/2011 19:40

ebay/carboot = reward trip to Game to spend the money.

He'll get rid of a lot more stuff far more willingly

Original poster

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 19:42

Crap, I'm too slow. I've missed loads of posts.

The vast majority of his toys/games/books are age appropriate. He is the only child in the family and has a room stuffed full of every toy imaginable.

New storage is definitely needed and I'm trying to convince him to part with a few things on ebay to help fund new bedroom furniture as he has requested a new bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 19:48

Biscuit - I tell them all the time but it never sinks in. They often suggest trips out but they rarely materialise. Both sisters offered to pay for his guitar lessons as I was unsure whether I could afford them but so far haven't seen a penny and he's been learning for a year. I know they mean well and want to spoil him.

Beertricks - swapping games might work actually, I'll suggest that to him. He has given me 5 games for ebay that he doesn't like and we've already checked roughly how much they sell for.

Rockstock - I think ebay funds going towards a trip to game might just do the trick!

OP posts:

ssd · 01/10/2011 19:49

op whats the game he got?

comedycentral · 01/10/2011 19:53

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable to be honest but you really need to pick your battles.

For everyone that said that taking the child to Game was like dangling meat in front of an animal; what lesson does this teach or children and teens? That just because they want it, they are going to get it?

I agree with others about 12 rated games, but you are his Mother and it is ultimately up to you.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 01/10/2011 20:05

Also Mogs if this new bed is something that he wants, rather than needs, then I absolutely think he should be prepared to sell a load of his stuff that he doesn't use/play with. He's 9, and in my opinion that's old enough to realise that a. things don't come out of thin air because we want them and b. that 'earning' his money (from selling his stuff) will be rewarded with things he wishes to buy or save towards.

Certainly with my older 3 children, when there has been a particular thing that they really really want I have said that I will match what they earn/save. DD1 saved nearly £3,000 to buy a car, so her father (my ex-H) and I matched that, she now has a little car which she has also insured herself with the money left over.

My DS sells a job lot of PS3/Wii/DS games a couple of times a year on ebay and then heads off to Game to restock. He's 15 now, but has been doing this since he was about 9. Somehow he manages to raise £50/£60 each time, so matched by me he buys a couple of new ones and lots of used.

Original poster

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 20:05

It's a Star Wars game...Revenge (?) of the Sith (?)

He's mainly into Lego-type games or racing car games.

So, how do I fix this? I didn't say anything to my sister but she knew I was pissed off. I was all ready to send her a ranty email telling her why I was pissed off but I now realise I'm over-reacting so won't do that.

But, worst of all, I told ds that I was cross with his aunty for doing this which I know I shouldn't have and could bloody kick myself for. I've told him I'm not cross with him because I have no reason to be and that I know he told her he wasn't supposed to buy a game.

Rightly or wrongly, I don't like him having games which are aimed at older children. He does have plenty of friends who play COD but that doesn't mean that I should let him. I don't even like the idea of them being in our home when he's older and if that makes me a boring, grumpy, control freak then that's what I'll be .

OP posts:

Maryz · 01/10/2011 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 20:10

Rockstock - yes, he would like to have a bed with a roll out spare underneath instead of his mid-sleeper. It came with drawers/desk/bookcase which would be best sold altogether so it would mean starting from scratch.

I'll suggest matching anything he makes. Also, he gets quite a bit of cash from family for birthdays/Christmas so we'd easily cover the cost.

I'll definitely try the swapping route too.

OP posts:

ll31 · 01/10/2011 20:13

yabu - aunts are there if willing to treat their nieces and nepwhes - also if he's 9 - can't imagine 12 game would be too old for him

ssd · 01/10/2011 20:14

op, listen to Maryz, she talks the most sense on MN!

BobbaFettBountyHunter · 01/10/2011 20:14

I'm sure your sisters heart was in the right place. Get her to help you declutter and put her on coffee duty :D

Original poster

mogs0 · 01/10/2011 20:15

Maryz - I can't imagine we'll ever get to that stage! Does that mean I should definitely be looking for wardrobes rather than cupboards with shelves to accommodate mostly books and toys with a few clothes thrown in?

OP posts:

banana87 · 01/10/2011 20:21

Try telling him he has to get rid of toys rather than asking him.

I haven't had to do this yet because DD is only 3, but if she was 9 I would tell her she had to put X number of toys in the box for charity and if she doesn't I will do it for her .

FWIW, it's your call as to whether or not you want him playing the 12 game. I think I would want to see what it contained and judge from there, but each to their own

ssd · 01/10/2011 20:25

no dont tell him, let him have them for just now if he wants them, wheres the harm...........

as time goes on he'll discard them himself, they wont be "cool" and then the tiny, expensive things will come into play!

BeerTricksPotter · 01/10/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 01/10/2011 20:27

Mogs Maryz is indeed right! Never did I think it possible for a 15 year old boy to have so many pairs of 'essential' trainers... And don't even get me started on DDs 1 and 2.

If it was me I would put the bed etc on ebay, get him to ruthlessly go through his stuff to sort/sell/donate and tell him that once or twice a year it's not such a bad idea to go through his things to renew what he has.

My older 2 girls spend all their time on ebay flogging their twice worn bits of clothing so they can spree on ASOS and TopShop etc, because they know it's pointless asking me for the money every time they want (or need in their opinions) a new dress/top/pair of ridiculous shoes. It has certainly made them more sensible with their pennies and they actually appreciate and look after their stuff much better now they are responsible for it.

Maryz · 01/10/2011 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 01/10/2011 20:51

Maryz - you missed the bit that when the clock chimes midnight between 12 and 13, they start to grunt. Harry Enfield got it right.

Maryz · 01/10/2011 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 01/10/2011 21:02

Maryz!

TBF my DS is a grunter about 10% of the time, but he's positively lovely the other 90% of the time. DD3 utterly adores him (she's 2) and he appears to have endless patience with her too. 'My brother x is this' and 'my brother x is that'; 'I love my brother x' to anyone that will listen.

TheEndlessArete · 02/10/2011 07:18

I don't think U are BU. Okay, so it's not a massive deal, but if you had mentioned it to your sister beforehand and she ignored your plea, then I can imagine you would feel a little frustrated.
Kids nowadays do have too much stuff.

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