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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel bitter about the way work treated me when i went off on maternity leave?

31 replies

Bobbish · 01/10/2011 08:01

Need to be told whether i am justified in feeling upset or to just get over myself.

The plan was to work till 39 weeks and then go off on leave. i ended up being hospitalised at 35 weeks with cholestasis and PE and induced at 36 weeks. Had a traumatic birth with failed induction and emergency c-sect. Luckily DD2 was fine and i have fully recovered. We did spend a further week in hospital with jaundice/feeding issues.

I am hurt that neither my immediate line manager or big boss contacted me the whole time i was in hospital to see how i was coping. I emailed work (from my hospital bed) just to let them know where i was at with my work load and what would need immediate attention. The most i had was an email back from my line manager joking about my extreme method of getting out of having to do a certain presentation later that week.

Whenever anyone else from work has been in hospital the office have sent flowers, and when anyone else has had a baby a whip-round is organised and presents/card bought. I had none of this.

It is not so much the flowers or gifts i want as the knowledge that someone thought enough of me to say 'hey - lets organise something for Bobbish'. I have the feeling that had i made it to 39 weeks i would have had the leaving bash etc - and because it happened all of a sudden nothing was organised.

sorry for long-windedness - just been dwelling on this a bit too much for my own good and dreading going back now. Am i right to be feeling a bit miffed?

OP posts:
Groovee · 01/10/2011 08:51

I'd probably feel upset too :-(

TeaMakesItBetter · 01/10/2011 08:56

Putting my nice hat on here. Do you think it might just be that they didn't want to bother you and your family at what must have been a stressful time? I think if you had gone to 39 weeks it would have been normal but when stressful potentially horrible things happen people often don't know what to do. They might have just thought, she won't want to hear from us, we'll leave her to it.

mumblechum1 · 01/10/2011 08:59

I would have been a bit put out too, it wouldn't have killed them to send you a card at least.

slavetofilofax · 01/10/2011 09:08

I would be a bit dissapointed too, but you have to remember that you probably aren't at your most rational at the moment.

If they hadn't done it for other people, it wouldn't be a problem. I think you are right that if you had been in as long as they had expected you to be, that you would have recieved the same treatment as everyone else. But as you weren't, it might be a case of out of sight out of mind. That's not a personal thing against you though, it's just the way things worked out.

Try your best not to dwell on it.

Backtobedlam · 01/10/2011 09:13

I agree with tea...yanbu to be upset but probably more a case of thinking they'd leave you to it, than not thinking of you. They should have sent cards or flowers once you were home though

Original poster
Bobbish · 01/10/2011 09:27

thanks all
Forgot to say my DH's work sent me a gift basket of toiletries and chocolates. He had only been working there for 2 weeks and I had never met any of them!

OP posts:
catsareevil · 01/10/2011 09:45

How old is your baby now? Where I work we tend to give people a gift once the baby is born, rather than when they go off onto maternity leave? I your work is like that too then maybe they are giving you a bit of time to recover, and not wanting to bother you too soon?

Have you visited yet with the baby or emailed people with a birth announcement/pictures etc?

Original poster
Bobbish · 01/10/2011 09:51

Baby is 5 months (said i'd been dwelling on it a while!). Been back in with baby a few times when in town.

Think i'm mostly over it just for having written (typed) it down!

OP posts:
scarlettsmummy2 · 01/10/2011 09:59

This may sound sexist, but is it mostly men you work with? I know in my old job, the men in the office would never have thought to organise anything. It would always have been the office admin (female).

wonkylegs · 01/10/2011 10:00

This didn't happen to me but it did to the other pregnant girl in the office who gave birth 3 weeks after me. My waters broke a month early and so I went into hospital to have DS whilst I was supposed to at work, she went through pregnancy as planned with no drama. They fussed over me and forgot about her and tbh it really just was forgetfulness as it all happened at once, and they were busy sorting out our cover and other stuff and then made a fuss over me. It was a shame but they've more than made up for it since we've been back at work.

Andrewofgg · 01/10/2011 10:29

In every office there is one who takes it on himself/herself to organise flowers and cards as appropriate. Bobbish are you the one there?

scarlertsmummy2 It does sound a bit sexist. It's a fact that the office admin often is female so if it is left to "official channels" it will necessarily be a woman who does it.

I know what I am talking about because I am Mr Cards-and-Flowers (not officially) and also Mr Organise-the-Team-Bash!

scarlettsmummy2 · 01/10/2011 10:34

I understand it obviously depends on the man, but in the office I worked in ( boisterous recruitment agency) the men really didn't give two hoots about babies, probably as they were all in their twenties and mostly single/child free, so it never would have crossed their mind to organise a present.

Andrewofgg · 01/10/2011 11:58

My office is a bit older and staider, the men are mostly fathers, the sort who gather round when a colleague on ML brings her bundle of joy in to be admired!

itisnearlysummer · 01/10/2011 12:15

When I went on maternity leave, I worked in an all female environment. It was a bit uncertain - DD was born by EMCS and it was all pretty traumatic. Anyway, as a result I just didn't turn up at work on Monday - I wasn't in a position to call and DH had other things on his mind. So my manager called and was quite snotty with DH until he explained - and even then she was only slightly less snotty!

I think you might be overthinking it a bit too much. Tbh, when I had DD, with the hospital involvement etc I didn't give two hoots about work, or what was happening at work, or what people at work were thinking about me/it. Because the reality is, they were just getting on with their jobs.

It'll be fine when you get back to work.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2011 13:37

OP, were you on another thread saying you'd organised everything when other people were having babies or off sick but now nobody had done it for you?

If so, I really don't blame you for being upset. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying something, either and I wouldn't be organising gifts or cards for anyone else.

But in the end, you have a lovely baby - I'm so jealous of that!

ChippingIn · 01/10/2011 13:49

Very thoughtless of them - I'm not surprised you feel miffed - I would too.

Are you due to go back soon?

wideawakenurse · 01/10/2011 13:52

YANBU - I understand what you mean.

When I had DS I didn't get even a card from my colleagues, which I was pretty gutted about.

DH's colleagues did a whip round and bought a card and some JL vouchers - which was lovely.

It would be nice just to be considered.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/10/2011 16:48

I thought you were going to say this was quite recent and your baby was only a few weeks old, in which case I'd have said they'll probably arrange something for when you take your baby in for a visit. However, as your baby is 5 months old and you've been in a few times, YANBU to be pissed off at their lack of thought. Are you going back to work there? If so, I'd be tempted to bring it up subtly with the person you're closest to and see what they say. I'd be totally pissed off in your shoes and would probably respond by not contributing to any further baby/hospital collections for other people, and when asked why not say "Oh, as I didn't receive anything, I thought we'd stopped doing them".

LorelaisMommy · 01/10/2011 20:07

I was pissed with the lack of anything from my place. I had a present off one particular friend when I went on ML but got nothing from the company. When I went back, I brought this up with the HR manager, saying how I felt forgotten and uninvolved in how things were. She told me that they weren't allowed to make contact officially until I came back from ML as it can be seen as pressure to return early. When I did come back there was a card and bunch of flowers, about all I was expecting. Shit company, so no surprises there!
It depends on how close you are to these people. I wasn't really close and therefor wasn't too annoyed until it became aparent that a mother wasn't what was wanted for my job role, then it kinda got me mad.

doughnutty · 01/10/2011 20:40

Happened to me too! I'd worked for the company 16 years when DS was born. Not even a card.
When I went back I was pregnant again. Planned to work to 38 weeks but at 36 weeks I had to give in. One of my colleagues who I'd have called a friend prior to DS, said a couple of days before I left that I wasn't giving them much time to sort anything. I asked what she meant. She said "a collection or something". I couldn't hold back and replied "why. You didn't do anything for my first. I didn't expect anything this time"

Petty maybe, but I felt better for getting it off my chest. I have no wish to go back after ML but I have to. I will request a transfer to another location as I don't think I want to work woth any of them again.

I'm still on ML now and my mum died a few weeks ago. I didn't tell them because I know they don't care. Sad

LiegeAndLief · 01/10/2011 21:40

I had a similar situation when pg with ds - went for a routine antenatal check at 31 weeks and never came back (was sent straight to hospital with severe PE). I was working for a very small company and would probably have caused a bit of bother with my sudden disappearance, although I did offer to do some work from hospital as I was stuck on the antenatal ward for 3 weeks whilst they waited for me to get ill enough to deliver.

A few of my colleagues came to visit whilst I was on the antenatal ward, brought some flowers (and a vase!) and a card which everyone had signed. I would have been pretty miffed if no one had seemingly noticed that I'd gone, so I don't think YABU at all. I didn't get anything when ds was born but he was prem and it was all very stressful, so I expect they didn't really know what to do.

Like pp said, are you the person who usually organises such things?! That might be the problem!

oneofthosedays · 02/10/2011 11:47

I'm still (rather pettily) a bit pissed off about what the girls did for me when I went off on mat leave. There had been a few off on maternity and collections were in the region of £40-50 either in vouchers or a gift if we knew the person needed something in particular. When it came time to go off for my leave I got a card and £15 voucher so in an office of 25 people I knew hardly anyone had put in and was left wondering what the hell I had done to offend!! Still, I thanked everyone profusely, brought goodies in before I left and made sure to tell everyone what a beautiful outfit we had bought with the voucher. Tried my hardest not to feel ungrateful but it still bugs me from time to time Blush after all at least I got something!

OP I would be really sad if I were in your position - YANBU

AMAZINWOMAN · 02/10/2011 13:18

could it be that people are just struggling financially? I know in our office we are having less whip rounds, we were asked to contribute towards five collections a few weeks ago. That makes it £10 minimum which is a lot to find just before pay day.

pocketfullofposies · 02/10/2011 13:25

I would be upset at being treated differently too. I turned thirty a week into my matenity leave and heard nothing from work. Didn't expect to really wasn't disappointed at the time. The following year a colleague turned 30 four months into her maternity leave and wAs sent a huge bouquet of flowers from the team. There were only ten of us in the team and it did make me a bit upset. A colleague also said she would Knut something for my baby then never did but I saw pics on Facebook of stuff she had knitted for this other colleagues baby.

It's not the 'stuff' it's the thought that matters and knowing you've not been thought about is hard.

hildathebuilder · 02/10/2011 13:30

It happened to me to, my ds was born at 29 weeks, and i think no-one knew what to do/say so nothing happened. I have put it down to them not knowing what to do and so doing nothing,

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