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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to move to the USA when DDad is dying ?

31 replies

lifeanddeathbrigade · 30/09/2011 00:56

I have just been offered a great job in NY (job is amazing, it's permanent, pay is great, it's NY!) I have an old uni friend who lives their (she is from the states) so I would have someone there.
I should go - it is a great oppotunity, I'm young (27), have no relationship ties to keep me here. And if I don't go I know I may regret it.

However.

My 2 siblings are older, married, DCs, established lives. And our DParents are not getting any younger (they were 'older parents' when we were born) and DDad has complex, life threatening health problems that basically mean he is dying. One sibling lives at other end of country to DParents and the other one lives about 4 hrs away. I currently live only 45mins away from Dparents and do a lot for them on a regular basis (I work about half hour from their house)

My head is telling me to go and take the job - to turn it down would be... and I know DParents would feel like I should definatly take it (Haven't told anyone yet)

yet

My heart is telling me not to go - that going when DDad is so ill may mean I miss moments with him (and the reality - his death, planning to get a flight for funeral etc), that I wont be around to help out and who else would do it? I wont be around DMum if (when) DDad is not here.

Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:

LeBOF · 30/09/2011 01:08

I'd tell your parents about the job, and gauge their reaction. I imagine your dad would want you to take it. Are they netted up, and able to do Skype, etc? Could you come back for family occasions?

duchesse · 30/09/2011 01:08

Well, if you can get a flight back relatively easily (which you can from NYC), I would make sure your family knows that you want to be called back the moment things take a turn for the worse.

Have you talked to your DF about it? This actually did happen to a friend and she spoke to her dad; he told her to go, that it was "only" 24 hours away (Australia) and that she would make it back in time if the worst looked likely to happen. She came back a few weeks ago after a year away and he's still alive and relatively well, possibly in remission.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you can put your entire life on hold because your dad is sick, even though that is sad. I think you should go but arrange to come back at things like Christmas and family events. It will be expensive but would be the best of both. Flights are very frequent from NY.

duchesse · 30/09/2011 01:10

PS: love the Gilmore Girls ref in your moniker!

tutorsurrey · 30/09/2011 01:13

Tricky decision, I feel for you. An opportunity like that should be pure positive. If your parents would say go that's the clincher. But ask them first, tell them you feel torn.
Plus you're the child who has been helping them most.
Plus, like you say, it is NY.
Think of all those emigrants who left this country and Europe to go to NY, knowing they would never see parents, brothers, sisters etc again. You can come back every couple of months for a long weekend.
NY!
Robin

Feminine · 30/09/2011 01:14

Flights are easy to get.

Time off ,is another matter in the US.

I would hope your employer would act appropriately ...you just never know here though.

Good luck ...it sounds a tough situation :) oh, and well done on getting the job!

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/09/2011 02:09

I'd take the job. Life over here is amazing and I have never regretted our decision to come over here. Make sure you set up skype for your parents and spend time teaching them how to use it. Also there is an internet service provider, not sure which, that gives free calls to the USA for up to an hour per call (can hang up and redial) which is great for keeping in touch with computer illiterate folks (I use with my Mum).

Your Dad dying is not unimportant, and you will naturally worry, but you have taken the responsibility long enough and need to follow your career/prospects and let your siblings pick up the slack. Or if the job pays enough, hire some care for your parents.

Good luck whatever you decide.

itisnearlysummer · 30/09/2011 06:06

My dad is currently terminally ill. So I understand your need to be there for your dad. I also know that my dad would want and encourage me to take the job, so I would definitely speak to yours. He would tell me that he is the one dying, I have a whole life to live (I know that because he has told my brother that).

As a parent myself, I would hate for my child to stay in your position. I didn't have children so that they could sacrifice their own lives to be around to care for me at the end of my life. I want them to take every opportunity life gives them.

This could be the start of a wonderful new life for you, and at 27 you have a lot of life left in front of you and you don't know how many opportunities like this will present themselves to you. I agree you need to let other people take over. Living further away hasn't bothered your siblings has it?

Time to start thinking about yourself and your future.

good luck.

Adversecamber · 30/09/2011 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chestnutx3 · 30/09/2011 08:55

Think of yourself and do it. The other siblings will want you to stay (from experience) because you are taking the burden off them - they may say you are single and childless so you should bear the burden. Live your life. Come back regularly and go to NY and have a wonderful time.

Curiousmama · 30/09/2011 08:58

Well I know if it were my child and I was dying then I'd want them to go. My religious beliefs probably have a lot to do with it.

I'd definitely talk to your parents you may be surprised? Agree your siblings need to take some of the slack.

chrchrch · 30/09/2011 09:04

I followed my heart and life took a different path for my DCs and me for the final two years of DF's time on this earth. Throughout that time, the best of DF's and my friends were absolutely shocked and thought I was making a mistake, for my career, for my children. I never once felt I wanted or could do anything else.

Now he has passed on, I realize even more how right I was, and so do they. I treasure every precious moment DCs and I had with him, and even the school aspects have turned out better than could possibly be hoped for, as has my work. There is only one desciption for that time; it was a blessing.

Ripeberry · 30/09/2011 09:05

Go! You are not the only relative. What will you gain by hanging around? You will end up with nothing otherwise.

MissMississippi · 30/09/2011 09:14

I really feel for you. I am close to tears writing this as I am so close to my Mum. But as hard as it is, I think you should take the job. But from today, you need to save up money for flights, and even book some in advance (like for Christmas, your parents birthdays, maybe their anniversary if it's a big one).

This might sound a bit cruel and it's not meant to really. But what would happen if your Dad dies soon and you declined the job? you would have wished you took it. Or what happens if he lives for a few more years? You could live in NY for a few years and then move back?

I am so close to my DS (age 2). As much as I want him by my side forever (joke...kind of!), I love him so much that I wouldn't want him to miss out on a fantastic opportunity because I was dying. I would probably buy loads of flights for him though to visit me!

Ask your Dad and see what he says.

Take the job. Good luck. xxx

NorksAkimbo · 30/09/2011 09:34

My husband was in a really similar position; his dad was terminally ill, and DH was offered the chance to live in America. He did it; his dad passed away a year or two after he left. BUT, he met me in America, and we've had two really beautiful children, and DH always says that all his dad ever wanted for him was to find happiness...his dad knew how much he wanted to have a family. So, yes, he was devastated that he 'missed' out on the end of his dad's life, but DH was there for the best bits of his dad's life, and found the family he'd always wanted.

You will regret it forever if you don't go, and I bet your dad would much rather see you happy and doing what you love.

elegangle · 30/09/2011 09:34

I think you should take the job. However, be prepared to regret it. With death there are always regrets, I wish I'd said this, I wish I'd said that...I wish he'd told me that story again etc etc. These regrets are normal and a part of grief, they will pass into acceptance, everyone at some point in their lives feels these regrets. But you have been offered the most amazing opportunity that you will regret for life, that you may never accept not taking and that others will never understand. Your Dad loves you and would want you to take this, don't let him down.

One of my brothers lives in NZ. It was only last year that I had to make that call and tell him to get on a flight NOW. He made it 30 hours later and my father was able to squeeze his hand before he passed away. You would be in NY. Less than the time it would take to drive from one end of this country to the other. There are loads of flights and in this kind of situation airlines will do everything they can to get you on a flight.

Enjoy xx

aldiwhore · 30/09/2011 10:20

ASK your parents what they think. (Unless you know they'll guilt trip you!)

I know that my folks would demand I take the job, I know that if I were your Mum I'd demand you take the job.

You can still have moments with your Dad, on skype, taking some of your new spangly earnings and making regular short visits home, using your annual leave purely to visit your parents etc.,

Take yourself out of the picture and think what your siblings would do if you didn't already live so close. Would they move to be near your parents? Between you and your siblings you can 'cover' care throughout the year, when your Dad is gone, and your Mum is alone, surely between you all you can make sure she's never alone for long? How is she at talking about such a time? My mum is very open, but I realise others may not even want to think about it (My mum and dad are devoted to each other, but mum has already chosen the colour scheme for her 'den' which is now his office - dad's not even poorly!) maybe a chat about where SHE wants to be in the future is worth it?

My folks moved around a lot, and after a couple of years Granny followed us, every time.

Take the job. I am pretty sure your parents would hate to think that you missed such an opportunity simply to remain close to them. Get your siblings on board. They should support you.

KeepInMind · 30/09/2011 10:35

I am sorry to hear about your Dad but I really do think if you do not take the job you will always regret it. You will never get a chance like this again

valiumredhead · 30/09/2011 10:56

I wouldn't. You get one dad, there will be other jobs.

It's really hard to get time off in America ( I have family there) - flights are easy but time off isn't.

MyRealName · 30/09/2011 11:18

I don't know what you should do, but I know in that situation I couldn't go and leave my parents, even if they would tell me to take the job. I just wouldn't tell them, so they wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. I think, right or wrong, my own guilt would outweigh any pleasure I would get from the job. It's not necessarily the right thing to do, just what I would do.

It's a horrible situation you're in. You are young and obviously very employable, if you give this job up, there will be others. Good luck with everything.

Original poster

lifeanddeathbrigade · 30/09/2011 19:41

well the general concensus seems to be that I should go and actually tell my parents.
It is just so hard. Siblings 'expect' me to do it all (i've been doing it after all not them). I know about flights ect.

Well I have to tell them by the 4th at the latest if I will take it (because of visas/new place to live/set up account etc). Christ never thought deciding about a new job would be this hard.

Thank you all - made me think about it differently at least

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 30/09/2011 19:44

Ask your father. A parents job is to raise children who are self sufficient. I guarantee your father will give you his blessing because he has succeeded.

Oh itwill be hard when he dioes and you will get sibling guilt trips - but you know he wanted you top make the most of life opportunities.

warthog · 30/09/2011 19:52

it is very hard.

i decided to move to the uk in the feb, and my dad died 18 months later. it was very very hard, and i second talking to your parents.

as a parent myself, i'd hate for my child to hang around for me. i'd want them to get on with their life, as hard as it might be.

i'd make it a policy to come home for a weekend every month if poss. and if you can let your employers know the situation, perhaps take a long weekend when you do it. tis very very hard.

Feminine · 30/09/2011 21:16

As I said earlier,you really must check in to your US time off.

You would think it would be the same, but its not a given that you would get anything unfortunately:(

It must be tough.

LetThereBeRock · 30/09/2011 21:28

I couldn't say what you should do,but I wouldn't/couldn't do it. Family comes first for me,that's not to say that family isn't important to you,obviously it is,but I'd rather be there for my family during the difficult times,as I'd hope they'd be there for me.

My mother developed epilepsy a few years ago,and while it was hell for both of us. I've never regretted being there for her. I then looked after my grandmother for some time,she developed dementia,together with my mother,and yes I did at times resent that I had to put my career on hold,and looking back now,she died in May. I'm glad I was around to assist,and with her during her last days.

It's a cliche but it's true imho,family,presuming that you have a good one,not everyone is lucky enough to have that unfortunately,is more important than anything.

That's what's right for me. I wouldn't presume to say what's right for you,as what's right for one person isn't what's necessarily right for another.

I feel for you because it's not an easy choice to make.And it'll be tough no matter what you choose.

pranma · 30/09/2011 21:32

Take the job it sounds like a once in a lifetime chance and your parents would want you to.If your dad needed you you could get there in a few hours-you have a lifetime of memories of times past with your parents they wont want you to compromise your future.

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