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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WAS I BU, sonce it's done now and I can't change it.

72 replies

DooinMeCleanin · 29/09/2011 10:19

So this morning was as hetic as usual, but I wasn't at work last night so at least everything was where it should be.

Dd1 was dressed. Dd2 was upstairs getting dressed, DH was in bed sleeping . I was simultaneously making breakfast, making packed lunches, feeding the dogs, trying to coax the cat in and trying to convince dd1 to brush her properly.

Dd2 appeared nekkid in the dining room clutching her uniform and a towel she could only have gotten from DH. "Daddy said you have to put me in the shower before I go to school because my knees are dirty" I calmly explained I did not have time and I would wipe her down with a flannel before we set off, so could she please get dressed as we have to leave in 20 minutes. Nope, she was adamant she would not get dressed "Daddy said". 'Daddy' was still in bed at this point. I shouted up and asked him to tell dd2 to get dressed because she was refusing. He yelled down that I must shower her before I (as in me, of course) take her to school.

At this point I may have lost my temper just slightly and stormed out with dressed and breakfasted dd1 . I did yell up the stairs to tell him I was leaving dd2 so he needed to get up and sort her out and take her to school because it wasn't fair for dd1 to be late due to his sleeping yet creating more work for me.

Dd2 is only 4, so she wouldn't be missing as much or causing as much disturbance to the rest of the class if she was late as dd1 would do.

After I had stormed out I and dropped dd1 off I might possibly have gone to sit and have a coffee on the way home, knowing full well he would be struggling and they still wouldn't have set off. It is also possible that I then dawdled home rather slowly. They were just leaving when I got back at 9:35

OP posts:

CamperFan · 29/09/2011 11:06

YWNBU to be angry at your DH, but you were a bit U to storm out in front of the kids for a relatively minor incident, sorry.

seeker · 29/09/2011 11:42

I am amazed that so many people think it's ok to behave like this in front of kids.

RogerMelly · 29/09/2011 11:50

she has done it once, whereas her dh lies in bed snoring every morning, can you not see she is only human and might be angry?

AKMD · 29/09/2011 11:51

seeker if it was like this regularly then no, it's not ok. This was a one-off and her DD2 knew that her dad would take her to school so wasn't worried about being left behind.

Pakdooik · 29/09/2011 11:52

Kick the lazy sod out of the pit to help with the kids. You were being perfectly reasonable.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 29/09/2011 12:02

I think YWNBU. I do feel a bit sorry for DD2 since she was only doing what her Dad said but not sure what else you could have done to get the message across loud and clear that he was being an idiot.

Shakey1500 · 29/09/2011 12:04

YANBU. And why are people asking "who sent the child to bed with dirty knees"

Original poster

DooinMeCleanin · 29/09/2011 12:04

Seeker, I was very calm with dd2 and did not shout at her once. I don't think it would have done her much good to see me go along with his demands each morning while he lies in all the time either, tbh.

I have tried talking to him about his behaviour on a morning several times before, but he always has a new excuse as to why he can't/shouldn't have to help. Giving me yet more to do but still not getting up was the last straw. Now he's had a little taste of it he might be more ready to contribute to parenting his own children.

OP posts:

eaglewings · 29/09/2011 12:08

While I can understand your frustration I think you misunderstand the importance of the first few minutes of school.

For the teachers it is a real pain when kids arrive late, 5 minutes or 90 minutes. The class is settled and they have explained what is happening that day and then a child walks in and disrupts the calm.

Also as another poster has said it is horrid for the kid arriving late.

Due to ME I often stay in bed but always encourage my kids to be ready on time and do not undermine my dh's routine. I am very grateful for all he does, getting breakfast sorted, feeding and walking the dogs, getting both kids off on time etc.

We use school meals to take some of the burden off him though, life saver!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/09/2011 12:09

He has excuses as to why he cannot get up out of his Royal Pit and help get his children ready for school? I really want to treat him to a Jeremy Kyle style tirade about joint responsibility and not being a lazy arse.

eaglewings · 29/09/2011 12:11

I should add, your DH is the one who really misunderstands the importance of school on time, he could still have got her there on time if he wanted to. I don't mean to blame you only OP!!!

shesparkles · 29/09/2011 12:15

Think I'd have done the same! Lazy git staying in his pit because he doesn't start work till 10! I start at 4 today so should I still be in bed? (I wish!) I'll be working till 2 then up with the kids at 7 so YA definitelyNBU!

Pandemoniaa · 29/09/2011 12:24

I'd have done the same. Your dd2 doesn't sound like the sort of child who is now suffering from the chance to watch Peppa Pig before setting off to school later and actually, sometimes examples have to be made.

Also, anyone whose routine is so sweet and calm in the morning that they can be superior about dirty knees and organisation is clearly not living in the same world as most of us. I don't even have any small children at home and I am organised in most things but there's rarely a morning when I leave the house without a piece of toast in my hand.

Nobody likes their children to get caught in the crossfire but what do you do with a lazy arse who is awake enough to shout instructions downstairs (my particular bete-noir with ex-h, as it happens) yet can't get off their backside to be any help?

hardcolin · 29/09/2011 12:40

No, definitely not BU in my eyes. I like how you say 'he would be struggling', as if I couldn't possibly manage without you

I often get -passed the buck-- asked to dress dd as dh thinks it takes just toooooo much effort.

I'm glad you took your time getting home, I think I would have done the same.

hardcolin · 29/09/2011 12:41

Er, that should be 'he' couldn't manage without you. Obviously

hardcolin · 29/09/2011 12:43

My typing is balls-up today I see.

gapants · 29/09/2011 12:47

Your DH was being a toad, why was he in bed, did he work very late?

seeker · 29/09/2011 13:02

"seeker if it was like this regularly then no, it's not ok. This was a one-off and her DD2 knew that her dad would take her to school so wasn't worried about being left behind."

I realise that she didn't think she was being left behind and I agree that the dad was bing a complete areshole. But the fact remains that the kids started the day with their parents yelling at each other, and the little one was being put in a position where she had to choose who to obey.

aldiwhore · 29/09/2011 13:05

If it was a one off, if it were me, I'd have just got on with the day, wiped her legs, gone up given DH a kiss and called him an unhelpful knob, and carried on.

I'd also have gone for a coffee.

If its a ONE OFF, I think you've both made a massive issue over it. But like I say, we all have bad days.

Consider it a given that you have a lie in, in the bank.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 29/09/2011 13:14

Can't say that I blame you OP.

Obviously you know this wasn't the ideal way for any of you to start the day but I can see why you felt as you did. I once stormed out of our house, taking LO with me, because DH was being an arse (FIL rang up to check what time I would be out, so that MIL could invite herself into our house without having to put up with my presence in it, disturbing LO's bath and bed routine at the same time). DH refused to tell them that this was not on, even though he didn't actually want her to come anyway. So I know that sometimes the momentum to storm out can creep up on you very quickly. It was my one and only storm in ten years of marriage, so I think it was allowed.

My DH responded by setting off back to work two days early (he lives away in the week) rather than face his mother or try to sort things out with me. He got about 100 miles away before he realised he was being an arse turned around and came home again.

What has your DH said about all this?

Tianc · 29/09/2011 13:44

Actually 'twas DH put the child in the position of choosing who to obey, by using her as his messenger for his orders to his wife. If he'd spoken directly to Doin, DD wouldn't have been in the middle.

In that respect, Doin' did the right thing in
a) dealing directly with DH, not using DD as the return messenger
b) removing DD's dilemma by simply leaving her to DH.

If it had been a big harmful thing, it would be different. But a 4 yo late for school once? Not a big problem. And with any luck this will lead to heated productive discussion about duties in the Doin household which will benefit everyone.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/09/2011 13:51

Your husband sounds like a twat, Dooin.

hth.

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