To ask my DH to fix his own dinner

[Pedicuri]

....I realize that the title sounds a little 1950s, but anyway, fact is, I am a SAHM with two very young DC. So I do the normal stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry - y' know, all the stuff I did 5years at uni for . I would say I enjoy being a SAHM most of the time, other times it gets frustrating and feels life-sapping. But it was my choice, and also my DH is a big help around the house if asked, when needed. I do take the view that the house is therefore my 'job', and I am generally happy to cook for everyone as it is one of the things I enjoy doing. I make most things from scratch, and like eating healthily, so we don't have convenience food much.
But DH gets home at varying times, but mainly 7pm onwards, bang in the middle,of bath time/ stories/ bed times. I get hungry and can't wait this long (early lunch), as by the time I am finished with the DCs it is around 8.30pm.
Sometimes I have made something that can be reheated, but mainly not. But there is food, and I think he can easily knock something together.
My MIL and mum think this is terrible, as he is (I paraphrase) paying the bills and essentially should have a hot meal on the table and we should eat together.
I think they don't understand that 7pm is not 5pm, as they both admitted their DH were home by when they were SAHM. I also credit men with a bit of sense in being able to chuck together, say, an omelette, without fainting.
AIBU, and what do you do if your DH works late?

Send 'the mums' round here then, OP, and they'll think you're a trooper by comparison!

My dh always cooks our dinner regardless of what time he gets home (I will have cooked earlier for the kids) and he has always done baths & stories (now they're a bit older it's just a chapter of a book).

I like to think I'm redressing a balance for someone, somewhere .

In your situation, my DH would be happy to cook up some crap and chips in the oven, or fix an omelette, or soup and a sandwich or even nuke a ready meal. So long as he gets a traditional meal a few times of week.

YANBU.

Why can't you just make one dinner and save his in the oven? That's what I do most nights- can't think of a meal that can't be reheated tbh. I cook things like lasagne, chilli, spag bol, stir fry, sometimes a more traditional meat and 2 veg... I just plate his up and cover it in foil in the oven while I eat with the kids.

As for 'milling around, drinking wine' while you are getting the kids to bed- wtf??? Is he living in 1950??

Why can't you just make one dinner and save his in the oven? That's what I do most nights- can't think of a meal that can't be reheated tbh. I cook things like lasagne, chilli, spag bol, stir fry, sometimes a more traditional meat and 2 veg... I just plate his up and cover it in foil in the oven while I eat with the kids.

As for 'milling around, drinking wine' while you are getting the kids to bed- wtf??? Is he living in 1950??

HandDived how on earth can you know there's a 'disparity' in the amount of relaxation time the OP and her DH get??

For all we know the OP could relax for a while in the afternoon while the kids sleep...or at weekends when her DH is home.

There's just not enough info for you to jump to that conclusion.

The older generation have very odd ideas.

I remember one evening (pre-dc) my dad phoning me for a chat, he asked what I was doing. I said I had just had my dinner (pasta with a home made sauce) and waiting for dh to come home later. At that time I think dh was working 12 - 8pm and I was working 9.30 to 6.30pm. So it became obvious during the course of this conversation that my dad thought I would be cooking my dh some fresh pasta when he got home and re-heating the sauce I had made for us both earlier. I said, no dad, he can cook his own pasta and reheat the sauce I made for us both earlier, I will be watching the telly then!

Ddad seriously though he was being reasonable. What can you say?

And telling that I've spent some time on American forums when I don't even resister the "fix" thing and even use it myself, sometimes.

I am working parent, DH is SAHD.

We manage it like this:

When I get in from work I take over putting DD in bath and bed, he cooks and we eat together, it is our time to share our day. If he is hungry earlier he has a light snack to see him through or if I am home earlier I help him cook and we all eat together as a family.

On the weekends often I will cook something that can be frozen into portions so that can be defrosted later in the week to give him a night off from cooking, or whatever is leftover from previous nights dinner becomes meal for me next day and he eats earlier with DD.

Hope that gives you some ideas.

"How hard is it to cook something he can re-heat"? About as hard as it would be for him to roll his sleeves up and play with the kids in the bath, or read them a story and put them to bed so that they can both eat a fresh hot meal! Or God forbid, he should offer to cook them both something (pasta and say carbonara sauce is quick easy tasty) while she does the bed routine.

Milling around drinking wine and relaxing while the OP is up to her arse in the bedtime routines is taking the piss imo. He gets home at 7 and she is still working at 7 and beyond, but SHE should still cool the main meal?!

FUCK THAT! She married him she didnt give birth to him!

Agree with handDived - seems crazy that he just gets to 'mill about' while his poor DW has to get the kids to bed and sort food. FFS, this is the 21st century. Men can and should cook - they're not children, so why treat them as such?

FWIW, I have been a SAHM this summer while on maternity (6 mo and a 3 yo). No way would my DH 'expect' a cooked meal or anything else for that matter. My job is to look after the kids, a job I do very well. His job is outside the home. When he's at home with me, we split the childcare and housework 50/50. Otherwise my job becomes 24/7, while his hovers nicely at around 40 hours a week.

OP, the opinion of the mothers isn't relevant. My mum still irons my (retired) dad's pants. You so don't want to be in that position 40 years hence...

On the days when DH is going to be home too late for us to all eat together, then one of a few things happens.

Option 1 - I eat with the DSs, DH eats when he comes in. I will always have made a meal that can be reheated.
Option 2 - I feed DSs, then while one of us finishes bedtime, the other goes and cooks something for the two of us. This might be reheating something, or cooking something (v.quick) fresh.
Option 3 - I feed DSs. DH and I are both so knackered that we phone for a takeaway after we've done bathtime, and it arrives just as we finish bedtime stories.

What does he do between 7 and 8.30pm? Surely he should be as involved as you with bathtime, bedtime etc? We do equal workload at this time of day, and then we both get to relax later.
Does he really not help with bedtime except occasionally?

Well the OP did say she cooks a meal and eats it with the DC so I don't see why she can't just cook enough for him too? Obviously if he has some special requirements he should cook his own.

But I'd be a bit annoyed if on the days I work I got home at 7 and DH hadn't saved me any dinner! But then we always just cook one meal.

Well the OP did say she cooks a meal and eats it with the DC so I don't see why she can't just cook enough for him too? Obviously if he has some special requirements he should cook his own.

But I'd be a bit annoyed if on the days I work I got home at 7 and DH hadn't saved me any dinner! But then we always just cook one meal.

I'd generally cook something for him too. TBH so long as you have some form of potatoes ready to be nuked you can cook a lump of protein with two minutes of prep. For example bung a bit of salmon in a pan, sear, flip toss in a few sun dried tomatoes, handful of spinach on top, bit of pepper, pop the lid on and it's ready in twelve minutes. Steak is also your friend :)

Don't worry about what others say, as long as it works for you and DH.

It might be nice for DH to be part of the evening routine though, since he doesn't see them all day.

Personally, I would cook something that can be reheated, whether or not you eat together. But that's me as someone who enjoys cooking and likes to see DH (who would otherwise make a fishfinger sandwich) eat well. But honestly, if what you do works, don't change it because of pressure from relatives!

When H rings from work he always asks "Anything for dinner or is it a BBB again?!" BBB standing for Big Bag of Bollocks, which is what I once said when he asked what was for dinner and I was rather frazzled at the time, it was early in our relationship and he learned to not to assume again :o

Bogeyface that is very funny

I'd say the best way to arrange this would be DH gets two options when he gets in from work:

1. take over bath and bed for both children so you can start dinner or
2. start dinner and you do bath and bed

Also, I must ask
1)is it essential your kids are bathed every night?
2)is it important that you and DH eat together? (It is to me, so I would have a snack late afternoon to tide me over, mayb with the kids at tea)

When Our DCs were small DH would often get in late. I quite often would have eaten with the children but had always cooked something he could reheat.
You can actually reheat most things.

1. None of either mum's business.

1. DH can either do bath/ bed while OP sorts his/their dinner, or vice versa. OP should not have to attempt to be in 3 places at once while DH mills about with glasses of wine.

Ah, cross post LikeACandle!

But he did take turns in doing the children's bedtimes and we didn't bath them every day. Joe old are tour DCs?

haha Inertia it's like one mind

See I think it's important for the kids to eat with a parent - I figure they are more likely to eat their greens/have good table manners if they see me doing it too. Plus my body clock is set to toddler time now and I'm ready to eat my own arm come 6pm!

Totally agree the OP's DH needs to pull his finger out and help with bath/bedtime though.

(Apologies for inevitable double post...)

I've done both sides, I worked with 2 dc and am now at home and both are now at school. I do have a few commitments outside of home, voluntary, very p/t at school and ad hoc work each month which pays pin money but is physical (why pay a private gym??). So I can say that with my dc being junior + secondary school age I also have NUMEROUS after school activites (taxiing/kit/volunteering/snacks/drinks/) every evening x 2, plus Saturday football matches/ Sunday rugby/ Pony Club etc etc.

So, in hindsite. I loved my beautiful salary way back then and really miss the work I did, the social side of working, and the occasional (allowed) break. BUT. I was miserable that someone else was with my children each day and cried every late evening as all I did was collect them, small tea, bath time, bed time. I missed EVERY waking moment that I'll never get back.

So now, I'm feeling ignored and dismissed by working mums, even those who do part time and work out the rest of the week. I chose not that route. Even school staff sometimes make you feel you're "just a Mum".

There is NO way to win this, and my whole reason for living is to give to my children, that's what I do all day. Every day. But they won't need me forever and having sat on both sides of the fence I sincerely believe that if it is possible this is best (for me) as I want to be with them while they need me. I will work full time again, but at the moment life is numbingly frustratingly boring (the cleaning, over and over again the same stuff) shopping (mind in neutral, trolley on full blast, yep boring) but I wished for this and I really really do cherish it. I have a journal-ful of memories written down in case my mind fades. So I can do this for my family. My husband does not need to worry about the admin of the bills, painting, decorating, fixing, gardening - all sorted, after all I was self-sufficient before we met and did it for myself so why not now...

I'd love my old job back but now knowing what being with the kids really really means.... try taking it away from me. It's my reason for living even if it's hard and they give me so much lip.

All these discussions about WM and SAHM - rubbish, everyone does what they have to in their own family unit, no-one should judge and no-one completely knows someone else's set-up.

By the way, I started to say that if the working partner has a start and end time to the day, do you? We had a conversation recently where my husband inadvertantly asked "so you think it's my day off it's yours too". I didn't answer. I'm at it 7 days a week from waking up till going up to bed. BUT unlike a paid worker I can plan my long day/evening ahead and not feel too guilty when I'm not mop-in-hand....... Sorry long post