Work sending me on a conference I don't want to go on!

[fifitot]

I have a 12 m old baby and a 5 yr old. Work have said I have to travel for a day's conference/meeting in central London in November. I have attended this annual event before so know it's at least 14 hours out of the house - 6 am train there and 7ish arrival back home. (Live up North)

I really don't want DH to have to do the morning and evening routine and for me not to see the kids all day. Know it's only a day but really........my baby is still young and both of them are a 2 man job, especially at night time routine. Baby has severe eczema and has to be bathed and wet wrapped etc.

I don't want to go! Have asked to be excused bearing in mind 2 of my colleagues also going. However been told we need a 'strong presence' at this event so no way out of it. Only concession is boss will allow me to leave a bit earlier...

What do you think? AIBU or should they be a bit more 'family friendly'?

[halcyondays]

It's only one day. I'm sure your dh can cope with bedtime on his own if he has to. Yes, it's harder to do bedtimes with two on your own, I hate doing it when my dh goes away but sometimes he has no choice. It's part of his job, luckily it's only occasionally that he has to go away. He doesn't particularly like being away, although I think a few nights on your own in a hotel sounds like bliss! Generally though his job is pretty good, flex time and he can usually get time off if he needs it, so can't complain really.

[CurrySpice]

They are being entirely reasonable imho SWC. It's lame to say you can't do a 14 hour day once a year

[Hardgoing]

If your contract really doens't specify 'and any other related duties' (I have never had one that doesn't) and your hours are fixed (e.g. 2 hours between 3-5), you could remind them of this.

But, you are making a pain of yourself, as your actual working hours for that day are your usual hours, and if by chance, they exceed your set hours, you can usually have that time off in lieu.

Of course, you could probably put your foot down, as swc, but given the current job climate, and the fact you already have got them to agree to your requirements up til now (which they are benefitting from but you nevertheless chose), but what will you gain except looking like an unwilling employee.

And swc is right to the extent that if you are very senior, very valuable and earn a lot, you could be very demanding about not going or getting paid care. But, if you are like the rest of us and feel lucky to have a job right now, then I would just get over it. One day a year, FGS!

[worraliberty]

SWC If everyone 'worked to rule' because they have children, this country would fall apart.

[bemybebe]

I do not know anyone who is so-called 'professional' and has "contractual hours" specified in the job description. Not to say it does not happen, just that in my industry they would have to double the workforce with the equivalent adjustment in the pay.

If OP does - good for her, but if now, how on earth can she get out of this conference if the only objection is that she "doesn't want to go!".

[ilovesooty]

Like others I assumed you were being asked to be away from home for several days, or at least overnight. I can't believe you seriously expected to be told your objections were reasonable.

My company's hours are nominally 9-5 at a specific base but there is a clause in the contract that states "to work flexibly as required". For one of my colleagues recently who has a 4 year old son that meant living away from her home in York in a hotel in Lancashire for 3 days a week for 6 months to set up a new project. She just had to get on with it. Jobs aren't too easy to come by nowadays. Her partner works for us as well and he was allowed to work 8-4 instead of 9-5 but they just had to organise childcare and cope.

[AfternoonDelight]

[BecauseImWorthIt]

I wondered, to start with, if this was a joke thread.

You have to get a train at 6 and might not get home until 7?

And this is just one day of the year?

I think you are very lucky and probably have absolutely no idea how lucky you are.

If this is just for one day a year, and you have a DH who is capable and can cover for you, then YABVVVU.

[ripitupandstartagain]

^^ Agree with everyone YABU and a bit precious..
I'm a single parent of two, one with SN, and a dog. I work full time and don't get home till 6.30 pm most nights. We are fine.

[Scuttlebutter]

Sorry OP, you are being VU.

Many people (especially in the public sector) have fought hard to preserve training courses/conference budgets for CPD and staff development. You turning it down like this just makes it easier for senior managers to cut the training budget, and frankly does nothing to improve the reputation of working mothers. You are being asked to go away for one day a year. If it really is that hard, say no, put your foot down, but don't be surprised at the consequences, not just for you but for others too.

[LindsayWagner]

Public sector, you say?

[Hatesponge]

I've never had a job where I get home much before 7pm, I'm out of the house for 11 hours a day on average (used to be 12-13 in previous jobs) so am a little lacking in sympathy. My children have always gone to bed well after 8pm once we'd got home at 7ish, done tea, bath etc.

My contract of employment - and that of every employee in the firm I work for, from the person who opens the post upwards, states our 'usual' hours and then goes on to say that we will in addition be expected to work such additional hours as are required by the needs of the business etc etc. No TOIL, no overtime, if you need to stay til 7pm, or work your lunch hour, then you get on and do it. Such is the real world of work.

As a manager, I am not even allowed to work reduced hours (my job is such I need to be in the office every day) nor do I have the facility to work from home. Last year I got sent to an office 250 miles away Sun-Thurs every week for 3 months. I'm not fantastically well paid. But the one thing I don't do, and never would, is play the children card. And frankly as a single parent with no family support I could easily do so, but it just wouldn't sit well with me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YABU... and you've not really thought it through either. By asking to be excused it's now going to look suspicious if you have a '24 hour bug' come the day of the confrerence.... which is what I do if I don't want to attend a work event. :)

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Your five year old can't possibly stay up past 7pm for one night?

I mean, come on. This is not an actual problem.

[MrsFruitcake]

I had to drive a 240 mile round trip on Tuesday for a work conference, my children are 3 and 7 but I still hated having to do it. Left at 7am and didn't get back until 7pm and was completely shattered (I'm not good at driving long distances and it wears me out trying to concentrate).

Still had to go though, work were utterly unhelpful and even said they wouldn't pay for accommodation for me the night before!

I do know where you are coming from, but it really is just one day and your DH will manage - he is their daddy too! Go and try and enjoy it....

[nooka]

I don't think it is unreasonable not to want to go, especially if it's not a very stimulating conference, or the sort of event where really everyone just tells you the party line which you already know. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if you have to go if your organisation is sending other attendees. But it is very unreasonable to think they are family unfriendly by requiring you to go. It is a fairly standard expectation, you are a manager so highly unlikely to be paid by the hour, and it's only for a day in any case. Yes it will put you and your dh out, but really not that much.

I do agree that working part time and doing a full time role sucks, but then I think that that's not uncommon. I don't think working part time is all it's cracked up to be personally.

[BrandyAlexander]

I thought from the title that you were going to say work were sending you overseas for a few days. You're complaining about one day a year? Whoever said upthread that people like you make it hard for other women to be taken seriously in the workplace after having had children is spot on. Another one who thinks YABU.

[NinkyNonker]

I must admit that I was a little sympathetic until I realised that your horrific day was my every day for a good few years!

[callmemrs]

Yabvu and the sort of person who gives ammunition to the anti WOHM brigade. It's one day! And surely your husband could cope. A 12 month old with severe eczema may be time consuming but a 5 yr old is well able to understand and probably even help. Its certainly not a 'two person 'job'' getting them to bed. How do 'you think people with twins, or several under fives, or indeed single parents , manage? Stop making excuses and be professional

[MrsSnaplegs]

YABU it's your job.
Yesterday I left house at 0600 and got back at 2000 as I had a conference in London
DH did everything including post school club trips, tea and bedtime routine for a 9 month old and dd 6(just)

[Ciske]

If you're the manager you should set a good example and go to the conference. It's not a great ask, just one longish day and you can ask for the time back later in the week.

There may be times when your children are ill or there are other family emergencies where you employer will need to be flexible and help you out. Do you want them to turn around and say, no, sorry, but it's not in your contract so you can't have time off?

With regards to having the workload of a full time person, that's a whole different issue and you should address it as soon as possible, but as a seperate matter to this conference.

[HoneyPablo]

Can I just say that I think YABU? But you might already know that.
The thing is, nobody bats an eyelid at fathers who work long hours, attend conferences abroad, or who work abroad for months at a time and asks 'but how will the mothers cope on their own'.
But they do cope. I know I did when DH worked abroad and when he was in the RAF and cope now wehn he has to fly overseas for 2 day meetings.
I fail to see why your DH can't cope. maybe he needs more practice?

[pinkytheshrinky]

You sound like you are having a big tantrum and genuinely you didn't think anyone here would say you have a leg to stand on? Bloody bonkers

My DH is out of the house form 6.30am - 7.15pm everyday.  Friday night he flies abroad for 5 days including the weekend, this is for work. He really doesn't want to go but he will go (  i do wonder will he get those two days over the weekend back as holiday??) - I can tell you that now is a bad time for him to go, I need him here, he wants to be here but there it is, he has to go.

We have 4 children, two of whom have special needs and more often than not he comes in and puts them all in bed as I am knackered (up the duff). I do think you will get yourself in a whole host of shite if you have a tantrum at work about this - you are being inflexible and it is ONE DAY so get a bloody grip of yourself - a lot of people do a lot more than you are required to do on a daily basis and they just get on with it as you should in this situation.

Hilarious that you imagine because you have children you should get special treatment - fucking hilarious.

[acatcalledbob]

YABU.  My DH travels 2 weeks of every month and has done since before DD1 was born.  He's currently away for 4 weeks.  We cope because we have to and it puts a roof over our head.

I assume that as this is an annual conference and you have a 12month old, you didn't go last year?  Although you would have been on mat leave, it's especially important for your career and your employer that you attend this year.