Work sending me on a conference I don't want to go on!

[fifitot]

I have a 12 m old baby and a 5 yr old. Work have said I have to travel for a day's conference/meeting in central London in November. I have attended this annual event before so know it's at least 14 hours out of the house - 6 am train there and 7ish arrival back home. (Live up North)

I really don't want DH to have to do the morning and evening routine and for me not to see the kids all day. Know it's only a day but really........my baby is still young and both of them are a 2 man job, especially at night time routine. Baby has severe eczema and has to be bathed and wet wrapped etc.

I don't want to go! Have asked to be excused bearing in mind 2 of my colleagues also going. However been told we need a 'strong presence' at this event so no way out of it. Only concession is boss will allow me to leave a bit earlier...

What do you think? AIBU or should they be a bit more 'family friendly'?

[MrsJRT]

I leave for work at 6am and don't get back until after 9pm. I sometimes don't get a break and am regularly expected to stay for longer. I do this 3 or four times a week. If I have shifts together then I don't see my 2 kids for days on end. Ok so it is what I signed up for when I agreed to work for the NHS but I really think YABU on this one OP.

[verytellytubby]

I hate to say it but YABU

It's one day. Your DH can do bedtime. He's their father.

[Onemorning]

YANBU to not want to go.

YABU to expect not to go. It's one night in a year, FFS, and you have been told you can leave early.

[BoffinMum]

I've done an overnight with a tiny, exclusively bf baby. Basically I built up a stock in the freezer, and while away expressed in the loos of Portcullis House and stored it all in an electric cool bag for two days. Amazingly this worked as a plan. Although the security people were flummoxed.

[chicletteeth]

This is a joke isn't it?
OP, you are taking the piss aren't you?
Come on, fess up.

Fuck me, you'd better be taking the piss because this is PATHETIC.

Really fucking pathetic actually.

You set women back decades with this shitty attitude, you really do.
And we all wonder why mothers can't get decent jobs or why people generally steer clear of women of child-bearing age where they can.

Suck it up love, it's one damn day and if you are salaried and your job description says x hours per week and additional work where required, you have no choice.
I would however not be expecting any favours from my boss in the future if I were you, and you have little ones; you're going to need them. It's all about give and take.

Your DC won't turn into pumpkins if they stay up past seven for one night either.

Rant over, but damn, I'm shocked, I really am.

[MollyTheMole]

sorry OP but its attitudes like yours that can and do put employers off taking on women with children

[flowery]

So:

You are a manager, therefore presumably salaried rather than hourly paid
You have no childcare problems
You don't have a tiny bf baby
It's one day in the year
It involves presumably getting home just an hour or two later than usual (7pm is not late by any stretch of the imagination)
There is no overnight stay involved

And you think your employer is being family unfriendly and want to say you can't go because bed time is a 2 person job?

Words fail me, they really do. It's threads like this that give public sector workers and working women a bad reputation.

Would your DH be saying the same if his employer required him to stay a little bit later than usual. Would he be saying they were family unfriendly and telling them he needed to be home for bed time every single day without fail because his wife can't manage two?

[ShoutyHamster]

It's one day and your child is a year old and your DH is there - no, YABU. And a bit daft, they will definitely think less of you for kicking up a fuss. I'ts an entirely reasonable request!

[AngryGnome]

I can completely understand why you don't want to go, but there is no reason why you can't go - you have said that DH is capable of managing the bedtime routine (as he should be!) and although it will be tricky looking after both DC ,it is only for one night.
I don't think that your employer is being family UNfriendly, it's just that this one day a year commitment is inconvenient for you - as it probably is for many employees whether they have a family or not. A concession has already been made to allow you to leave earlier, which seems very reasonable.
The fact that you don't want to go is completely valid, but it is not a matter of your employer being family UNfriendly. If you feel that strongly about it, maybe you need to look for a job which suits your preferred work-life balance.

[sunnydelight]

It's one day, YABU. Unless you have an exclusively BF baby there is no reason why you can't go, lots of people do things they don't particularly want to.

[Andrewofgg]

OP if you did not go presumably somebody else would have to. And that somebody else?s private life is less important than yours because? The whole ?family friendly? idea can become ?non-family unfriendly? ? with private lives which don?t centre round dependent family or family at all being treated as second-class. And as others have said there will be times when you want help from others. Being flexible is a two-way street.

[Whatmeworry]

Its only 1 day, and boss is allowing you to leave earlier so YABU. Kids do not trump Rest Of World.

[acatcalledbob]

YABU.  My DH travels 2 weeks of every month and has done since before DD1 was born.  He's currently away for 4 weeks.  We cope because we have to and it puts a roof over our head.

I assume that as this is an annual conference and you have a 12month old, you didn't go last year?  Although you would have been on mat leave, it's especially important for your career and your employer that you attend this year.

[pinkytheshrinky]

You sound like you are having a big tantrum and genuinely you didn't think anyone here would say you have a leg to stand on? Bloody bonkers

My DH is out of the house form 6.30am - 7.15pm everyday.  Friday night he flies abroad for 5 days including the weekend, this is for work. He really doesn't want to go but he will go (  i do wonder will he get those two days over the weekend back as holiday??) - I can tell you that now is a bad time for him to go, I need him here, he wants to be here but there it is, he has to go.

We have 4 children, two of whom have special needs and more often than not he comes in and puts them all in bed as I am knackered (up the duff). I do think you will get yourself in a whole host of shite if you have a tantrum at work about this - you are being inflexible and it is ONE DAY so get a bloody grip of yourself - a lot of people do a lot more than you are required to do on a daily basis and they just get on with it as you should in this situation.

Hilarious that you imagine because you have children you should get special treatment - fucking hilarious.

[HoneyPablo]

Can I just say that I think YABU? But you might already know that.
The thing is, nobody bats an eyelid at fathers who work long hours, attend conferences abroad, or who work abroad for months at a time and asks 'but how will the mothers cope on their own'.
But they do cope. I know I did when DH worked abroad and when he was in the RAF and cope now wehn he has to fly overseas for 2 day meetings.
I fail to see why your DH can't cope. maybe he needs more practice?

[Ciske]

If you're the manager you should set a good example and go to the conference. It's not a great ask, just one longish day and you can ask for the time back later in the week.

There may be times when your children are ill or there are other family emergencies where you employer will need to be flexible and help you out. Do you want them to turn around and say, no, sorry, but it's not in your contract so you can't have time off?

With regards to having the workload of a full time person, that's a whole different issue and you should address it as soon as possible, but as a seperate matter to this conference.

[MrsSnaplegs]

YABU it's your job.
Yesterday I left house at 0600 and got back at 2000 as I had a conference in London
DH did everything including post school club trips, tea and bedtime routine for a 9 month old and dd 6(just)

[callmemrs]

Yabvu and the sort of person who gives ammunition to the anti WOHM brigade. It's one day! And surely your husband could cope. A 12 month old with severe eczema may be time consuming but a 5 yr old is well able to understand and probably even help. Its certainly not a 'two person 'job'' getting them to bed. How do 'you think people with twins, or several under fives, or indeed single parents , manage? Stop making excuses and be professional

[NinkyNonker]

I must admit that I was a little sympathetic until I realised that your horrific day was my every day for a good few years!

[BrandyAlexander]

I thought from the title that you were going to say work were sending you overseas for a few days. You're complaining about one day a year? Whoever said upthread that people like you make it hard for other women to be taken seriously in the workplace after having had children is spot on. Another one who thinks YABU.

[nooka]

I don't think it is unreasonable not to want to go, especially if it's not a very stimulating conference, or the sort of event where really everyone just tells you the party line which you already know. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if you have to go if your organisation is sending other attendees. But it is very unreasonable to think they are family unfriendly by requiring you to go. It is a fairly standard expectation, you are a manager so highly unlikely to be paid by the hour, and it's only for a day in any case. Yes it will put you and your dh out, but really not that much.

I do agree that working part time and doing a full time role sucks, but then I think that that's not uncommon. I don't think working part time is all it's cracked up to be personally.

[MrsFruitcake]

I had to drive a 240 mile round trip on Tuesday for a work conference, my children are 3 and 7 but I still hated having to do it. Left at 7am and didn't get back until 7pm and was completely shattered (I'm not good at driving long distances and it wears me out trying to concentrate).

Still had to go though, work were utterly unhelpful and even said they wouldn't pay for accommodation for me the night before!

I do know where you are coming from, but it really is just one day and your DH will manage - he is their daddy too! Go and try and enjoy it....

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Your five year old can't possibly stay up past 7pm for one night?

I mean, come on. This is not an actual problem.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YABU... and you've not really thought it through either. By asking to be excused it's now going to look suspicious if you have a '24 hour bug' come the day of the confrerence.... which is what I do if I don't want to attend a work event. :)

[Hatesponge]

I've never had a job where I get home much before 7pm, I'm out of the house for 11 hours a day on average (used to be 12-13 in previous jobs) so am a little lacking in sympathy. My children have always gone to bed well after 8pm once we'd got home at 7ish, done tea, bath etc.

My contract of employment - and that of every employee in the firm I work for, from the person who opens the post upwards, states our 'usual' hours and then goes on to say that we will in addition be expected to work such additional hours as are required by the needs of the business etc etc. No TOIL, no overtime, if you need to stay til 7pm, or work your lunch hour, then you get on and do it. Such is the real world of work.

As a manager, I am not even allowed to work reduced hours (my job is such I need to be in the office every day) nor do I have the facility to work from home. Last year I got sent to an office 250 miles away Sun-Thurs every week for 3 months. I'm not fantastically well paid. But the one thing I don't do, and never would, is play the children card. And frankly as a single parent with no family support I could easily do so, but it just wouldn't sit well with me.