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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to do the school run when I'm working?

75 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 12:51

I work for myself...from home. DH works either 3 or 4 night shifts for someone else out of the home.

I have at the moment a big contract which is HARD work. I work from around 9.00am to when DD comes home from school and then I have a break to cook dinner and do homework. We also have a 3 year old in nursery 3 days a week.

I do 90% of the housework. DH goes to work at midnight and gets home at 7.30....he then takes DD to school in the car...and comes home for 9.15....atthis point I think he should go to bed but he fannies about until midday and then gos to bed.

He has been getting up at 3.00 and going to collect DD1 and sometimes DD2 aswell...then coming home,eating with us and palying with kids...then he goes back to bed at around 7.30 and get up at 11.00p for work.

Today he is moaning about collecting DD from school. MY argument is that as I cannot drive I have to get a cab, put makeup and decent clothes on...do my hair etc....AND stop work....all of this makes me loose precious childfree time when I am meant to be working.

AIBU to get him to do the school run? My schedule is not always this busy but lately I have had work coming out of my ears and have managed to triple our income (badly needed as we had debts) I then wrk all evening until around midnight and sometimes later. I still have to cram in some housework too. DH has really slid on his contribution to the house lately.

We are managing to get out of the financial hole now....but stressing over the school run is putting me off work! AIBU??

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 28/09/2011 13:46

Putting on camoflage makeup isn't fannying around.
oh, I do understand that - from time to time my skin is bloody awful; sometimes I don't care but sometimes I do and then I'd have the camo on first thing in case anyone came in the door!

minimisschief · 28/09/2011 13:51

he moans for 1 day and all of a sudden he is the devils spawn? get over it i mean seriously.

you state in your op that he does the school runs everyday. So why this pointless thread?

And if you were nice and helped out a few times with your kids why not get dressed when you wake up and put makeup on in the morning before the run like any other normal person.

Hardgoing · 28/09/2011 13:52

I know what you mean, if I'm writing in an intensive phase, I often don't get washed and dressed til later in the day. I just sit and write and look shit with dirty hair, but it gets done. Once you start getting ready to go out (surely clean hair is a must and a shower, 5 min on make-up), go out, come back, it's over an hour out of your schedule, but more importantly, you've lost the flow in your head.

I think if you can know he'll do the school run for a set amount of time (say two more weeks) that would help him feel less resentful about this ongoing issue. Then you can pick it up again when things are less busy.

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 13:55

Mini.....are yu for real? Because you're coming over like a right twit.

"if you were nice and helped out with your kids" That statement is so silly. I do everything BUT the school run!

I cook, do crafts, homework, trips to the park. In the morning I get them ready...pack their lunches....then I have a quick shower, throw on some clothes and try to finish my work. End of.

OP posts:

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 13:55

I think that getting dressed up and putting on makeup for teh school run takes on a different connotation if, like the OP, you work from home a lot and so are normally quite isolated. It's not good for your mental health to feel you are always wearing the same stuff. This is nothing to do with grooming being 'trivial' IMO (which is the implication), or to do with makeup being to do with buying into stereotypes of caring about your appearance. There are all sorts of excellent reasons to resist feeling you have to dress up, but for mumbling it is clear that it is part of the way she makes a mental distinction between herself working at home and herself going out. IMO it is a sign she could do with more time for herself to go out with a friend, and less time doing 90% of the work while her husband fannies about!

DizzyKipper · 28/09/2011 13:59

Well I can see your DP's point in that he's not just getting 8 hours interrupted sleep but is having to sleep in 2 blocks at different points in the day - which could cause issues if he has problems getting to/staying asleep. Perhaps that's why he doesn't want to have to wake up to pick them up?

I can also see your point too. And ignore the people criticising you for wanting to make yourself presentable, it's your choice and a pretty petty thing for people to be getting at you over. Besides that, not all work can just be picked up and put back down again whenever you feel like, I could see how interrupting the flow of your work could make it harder.

Overall it does sound like you're doing a lot more. Would it work if you agreed to pick the kids up from school so he didn't have to wake up again but then he in turn HAD to take over once he'd woken up, allowing you to get back to work for an agreed number of hours.

Birdsgottafly · 28/09/2011 14:00

"why not get dressed when you wake up and put makeup on in the morning before the run like any other normal person"

I'm another one who isn't 'normal' then, my work involves me doing heavy report writing for court. I like to get it done, take a break by bleaching the bathroom etc (with primark pj's on to save money), then when i finsh having a shower and getting out with the dog.

OP you need to have a talk about the housework split and then tackle the school run. This can be fluid as needed. I have worked nights and you need to wind down to sleep during daylight hours, but he could do one hour minimum of housework, first.

The important thing is to let each other speak and to listen to each others POV. You aren't going to be feeling as connected as usual because the pressure is on, try to find abit of family time in all of this.

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 14:05

Dizzy have been on at hm about taking responsibility for homework from me...and also about getting the DC bathed and ready for bed...hes just very casual and so they end up not having a proper routine. He plays with them a lot though...I dont want to make him seem like a shitty Dad....he's just aried in his approach. One day he will cook dinner and the next he wont. I have explained that they need a meal at 5.30 or thereabouts and HW has to be done before then. But he "forgets"

OP posts:

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 14:06

LRD you have it in a nutshell. If I went out like I work then I would be living like a slattern!

OP posts:

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 14:10

I work at home too. So I know.

Have you seen the Wifework threads in Feminism, btw? (I'm really sorry if you are all over them and I've forgotten, I'm just rubbish at remembering). Loads of people saying that it's this sort of responsibility/organization that feels like it should be trivial, but is actually quite a pain to do all the time.

kelly2000 · 28/09/2011 14:12

So because the OP chose to have kids they are all her responsibility. Whereas the man can have children not have to face the consequences. His children, his responsibility. If you work equal hours then you each get 50% of the housework and childcare (that does not include playing with them), if one works 60% and the other 40% then the chores shoudl be divided 60:40. the only exception i woudl make if is if one line of work is more physically demanding. Can I suggest you get him to cook batches of things like lasagne, shepards pie etc on days he is not working so then he can just heat them up and add salad.

I am sorry OP, but your husband sounds more like a teenage brother.

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 14:14

I haven't LRD because I may lose my sanity if I go there I think it looks like more stuff for me to get angry about.

I only have time for some bitterness. Even resentment is a luxury when you haven't time to wash your hair.

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 28/09/2011 14:15

Well if I was in your situation Mumbling I would just be very direct with DP and tell him he has already had his opportunity and repeatedly fails it, if he can't be trusted then he doesn't get the opportunity and will keep on having to do the school run. There's only so much you can actually do. YANBU.

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 14:15

Are you sure playing with them doesn't count Kelly

It kind of does. playing with them is teaching them as well as bringing them up surely?

OP posts:

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 14:17

Ah, yes, I take your point!

On this one issue, then, yes, he should do the school run!

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 14:17

Playing with them is the fun bit though ... not that it doesn't count, but it's a poor deal if he does all the playing and you do the rest.

DizzyKipper · 28/09/2011 14:19

I think people generally will saying that playing doesn't count mumbling because playing is the easy part and if it 'counted' then certain parents may just only ever play with their kids and do the 'fun stuff' and then saying they're doing their "equal share".

kelly2000 · 28/09/2011 14:21

So the Op gets to do all the crappy bits of childcare, because Dh is kindly taking responsibility for the fun part. If OP does not make up for his shortcomings the children get to play but smell, and go hungry. How is that ok?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 28/09/2011 14:21

Would it work better if he got the bed earlier, say 10, slept til 5, you did the school pick up and then he took over with the kids at 5 so you can start work again?

I know this means you have to do the pick up but it also means you can start work again at 5 so hopefully will finish a few hours later and not at 12/1/2 in the morning?

SnakeOnCrack · 28/09/2011 14:29

YANBU, tell him to suck it up. The school run is his job, end of discussion!

Well done on working so hard for your family. And I totally understand the getting changed/having a decent "face" on when you leave the house, I'm the same.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 28/09/2011 14:30

I think you could probably reduce the amount of time it takes you to get ready as well. I manage wash, dressed, full make up in 30 mins. (not really the point of the thread I know but couldn't help think an hour was a long time)

Sandalwood · 28/09/2011 14:34

I think he should sleep in one block too. Say 10-5 as WGME says. So he can do more in the evening and maybe save his health a bit.
Horrible in the winter months though - he won't see a lot of daylight.

DandyLioness · 28/09/2011 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseandGherkins · 28/09/2011 14:37

I'd worry about his lack of sleep myself. Broken sleep (which is what he gets) is terrible and makes you feel like a zombie. I wouldn't want to do that and wouldn't wish it on someone else. I think it would be better if he wound down a little after work and then got to sleep earlier than 12 (if possible) and slept for the full amount that he needed. He'd then probably find it gradually easier to sleep earlier too as well as feeling a lot better.

Could you learn to drive also? If you need to get ready why not do it in the morning or during the day so it's not a huge rush before school pickup time?

Silverstar2 · 28/09/2011 14:37

Men and the school run?

Don't hold your breath.

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