Boring AIBU of the day: Mums, children & seats on the bus... <yawn>

[JodieHarsh]

Right, I apologise that this is so tedious, but it is a perfectly genuine AIBU - I have no idea, and as it happened I did rather wonder what MN would say.

I have a long bus ride to work. It is always busy, and this morning - weary after a bonkers few months, headachy, PMT-y and with sore feet - I was thrilled to get the last .

I was just settling into my book when a mother got on with 2 children, one about 4, the other about 3.

They were bonny, bright, cheerful kids, fairly biddable, but obviously (and who can blame them) mighty fed up with standing on a crowded bus.

The mother didn't seem particularly distressed or flustered, but obviously maintaining contol of 2 small children on a busy bus is not easy. There was a lot of "No, don't sit down. No, there aren't any seats. Hang on to your brother. No, hold the strap. I SAID DON'T SIT DOWN. Would you rather we walked, hmmmmm? I SAID COME BACK HERE!", that sort of thing.

They were right next to me and I was fully aware that if I gave up my seat the 2 children could have sat there together and the mother would have had an easier time of it.

But I didn't. My head hurt, my eyes were swollen with weariness, my feet ached, and I was in a terrible grump, and altogether thought that although the children were not Having Fun I needed my seat more than them.

Does a mother with children trump an able-bodied (if 'ageing', sore and weary) adult every time?

For the record, if I see a pregnant woman, someone elderly or disabled, or a mother who is in a right old state for whatever reason and could desperately do with a kind face, I would always bounce out of my seat.

Was I being unreasonable? Rarely for AIBU, I genuinely want to know, and am willing to be told.

I would have given it to the kids. I hate seeing kids cling on to poxy poles and straps. Much safer in seats IMO

And if you were unsure, you should have chosen the kind option

Nah, your right to breed does not trump my right to a seat on the bus to rest my acheing feet. And kindness, like charity, begins at home :o

Singing "threads about the busses go round and round...."

Most commuters I think would give up a seat to someone who obviously needed it....

But there's middle ground.

A tired, shattered commuter with health issues deserves to have a seat for a long journey....rather than having to give it up (to someone maybe less needy) and be made to stand for the rest of their trip.

You're in good company with Whatme, Jodie.

I think you're all being very reasonable and helpful and naice

Gosh I wasn't in a priority seat, I'm not an animal

I think YANBU. I know what it's like to feel like shit with a headache and PMT at the end of a work day. Assuming you really did feel dreadful I don't think the mum was necessarily in greater need.

On an ordinary day, when you feel fine, then yes you should have sprung up - mum could put the 2 kids (or at least one) on her knee and the bus would be less crowded for everyone. But on a day when you genuinely felt desperate to sit down - YANBU.

(this is an entirely unsinister name change by the way, because of a frivolous thread elsewhere...)

ACtually, I have had priority seat rows before.

I very often sit in priority seats, my reason being that I would give my seat up for people who obviously need it (elderly, inform, carrying a squalling baby, heavily pregnant) regardless of where I'm sitting, so it makes no odds whether I sit there or elsewhere, if you see what I mean...

However my BFF and my DH do not see this flawed logic.

As someone else said - it's a judgement call you have to make at the time and under the circumstances.

I had to endure a hideous journey (well over an hour) to London with my DD (just 7) last weekend. There had been emergency work on the line the previous night so there was twice as many people on the Saturday morning train as usual and it was imo dangerously packed - over 20 us standing in the doorwell I would guess. Obviously DD was at a level where she could see nothing but bums (!) and it was very hot & stuffy - she was fine to begin with, but as more people got on at the next couple of stops, she actually became quite distressed.

I would have really appreciated one of the many, seated, able-bodied adults letting her have their seat - not because she needed to sit down, but because she needed to be somewhere she could actually breathe! It didn't happen though, so we got off halfway and waited for the next train which wasn't quite so bad.

Later we were on the tube and she got the last seat, but a pregnant woman with a couple of small children got on after us so I hoiked her off it pronto!

If they were two healthy, happy kids I think you were quite within your rights to keep your seat. I might have reconsidered in that situation if it looked like they were going to be going a fair distance though.

What really annoyed me at the weekend was the number of people who feel the need for their luggage to have its own seat when there is more than adequate (and visible) storage facilites.

If i was ill i probably would have stayed put BUT if i was well i would have asked the mother if the children wanted to sit down. I know that my (nealry) 3 year old has difficulty balancing on a bus especially if its stopping an starting alot in traffic and i think you children like that are just safer in a seat. Once they get to 5 or so i wouldnt stand.

You're in good company with Whatme, Jodie

I had to stand enough times when mine were little, the Universe owes me big time :o

Seriously, I (like everyone else I suspect) gets up sometimes, but when I am feeling crap I keep seated.

if she was not struggling no need to feel bad not giving the seat, you really felt you needed it yourself & she was coping fine - so where's the problem. yanbu. i get the bus most days with a 3 yr old (+2 littler ones in double buggy), normally we get a seat but if not i just explain him its busy today and no seats left so we have to stand next to the buggy. it's important for them to learn you dont always get what you want, although i do prefer having a seat obviously, but wouldnt particularly expect people to move for us if they are sat down

I wouldn't expect someone to give up a seat for my four year old. TBH, she quite enjoys standing up on buses and trains (although I can't say I find policing her so she doesn't bash into someone quite as enjoyable). She sees it as a sort of fairground ride, the object of which is to swing about as wildly as possible. Sometimes people do offer a seat for the two of us to share, but I nearly always decline (unless she is really falling asleep with tiredness).

I take a bus every day with 4 yo DD. I am always enormously grateful if anyone offers her / us a seat (and it does happen quite regularly). At the moment, she sits down rather than me because I can balance slightly better than she can while managing nursery bag/ my work bag/ coats/ any other stray bags we've picked up on the way.

I don't think you were in any way UR to not give up your seat - it is perfectly fair enough not to do so and the mum will probably be quite used to managing even if it looks a bit chaotic.

YADNBU, you paid full price for your bus ticket, you sit down. In fact, it really winds me up if I see children sitting in seats and adults standing up (obviously not babies or very little children).

OP, you are asking us to give you a RULE. And, as I said before, there isn't one in this circumstance. We don't know how ill you felt; we don't know how much the children were struggling. YOU were there, you had to make the judgement.

Sometimes there is an easy rule that tells us what to do: I know damn well that anybody on crutches needs that seat more than me. Other times we just have to work out for ourselves whether somebody needs a seat more than us. And we will sometimes get that wrong.

By the way, I don't particularly appreciate the implication that motherhood takes extra grit and therefore we should be prepared to suffer that bit more. I wouldn't hesitate to give up my seat for someone who had broken their leg in a skiing accident - would you?

Whilst we are on the subject of bus etiquette, I can never understand why people choose to sit on the outside of seats....rather than budging up to allow someone else to comfortably sit next to them.

Why make someone (needing to sit next to you) clamber across you to use the seat?

Budge up.....and let them sit on the outside!

Maybe I've missed this point but....

Were there not some other passengers, not with children and not feeling grim who could have stood up?

I would say your health that day absolved you from standing up but I do wonder that no one else bothered.

If I'm standing on a bus with DS and someone offers a seat I'm always really grateful as he has fallen on buses and really hurt himself (fractured wrist once, split lip another time, huge lump on forehead another... you'd think he'd have learned to HOLD THE FUCK ON wouldn't you? Ah, well, I digress...). If someone doesn't give up their seat I assume that they need it more, and that's why they haven't given it up. YANBU, you were tired.

A child fare in my town is pennies different from an adult, so if my eight year old snags a seat she usually keeps it. Exceptions being those who would need the seat more, not 'just' an adult. If it were an elderly passenger or somebody with pram/wheelchair or some such she would shift of her own accord. She's been well trained to outstare trolley users though

When I've been on the bus with 2+ children I'd have been touched that you offered to give up the seat, but not expected it. Usually it comes from an old gentleman that would obviously be hurt if you refuse, but is in much more need of sitting than you.

If you had offered a seat I'd have sat with up to 2 children on my lap and the third holding onto me. But actually the children would have probably perfectly happily sat down on the floor, or held onto mum if standing. Mine would have.

My DS2 (almost 8yo) looks fine - but cannot balance on a moving bus due to his muscle problems. I have to travel on a very busy, rush hour bus every day to get him to school. If there are no seats left (every blinking day), I will ASK an adult to give him their seat. His disability may not be 'instantly' visible - but the minute the bus moves, he will fall over and hurt himself - and I am usually not able to hold him as I have had to fold DS3's pram, and am already trying to balance while holding a wriggly 8mo baby!

Also - the child fare here isn't half fare - it's 2/3 of the adult fare - If I've paid for a seat for him, I expect him to have one, as he NEEDS it. DS1 can stand, as can I, butnot DS2.

I will ALWAYS give up my seat if I have one for a pre-school age dc, and if te mother is looking around desperately, even with an older dc, it usually means the dc isn't able to stand on a moving bus. So I'd probably get up then too.