Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boring AIBU of the day: Mums, children & seats on the bus... <yawn>

80 replies

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 08:49

Right, I apologise that this is so tedious, but it is a perfectly genuine AIBU - I have no idea, and as it happened I did rather wonder what MN would say.

I have a long bus ride to work. It is always busy, and this morning - weary after a bonkers few months, headachy, PMT-y and with sore feet - I was thrilled to get the last .

I was just settling into my book when a mother got on with 2 children, one about 4, the other about 3.

They were bonny, bright, cheerful kids, fairly biddable, but obviously (and who can blame them) mighty fed up with standing on a crowded bus.

The mother didn't seem particularly distressed or flustered, but obviously maintaining contol of 2 small children on a busy bus is not easy. There was a lot of "No, don't sit down. No, there aren't any seats. Hang on to your brother. No, hold the strap. I SAID DON'T SIT DOWN. Would you rather we walked, hmmmmm? I SAID COME BACK HERE!", that sort of thing.

They were right next to me and I was fully aware that if I gave up my seat the 2 children could have sat there together and the mother would have had an easier time of it.

But I didn't. My head hurt, my eyes were swollen with weariness, my feet ached, and I was in a terrible grump, and altogether thought that although the children were not Having Fun I needed my seat more than them.

Does a mother with children trump an able-bodied (if 'ageing', sore and weary) adult every time?

For the record, if I see a pregnant woman, someone elderly or disabled, or a mother who is in a right old state for whatever reason and could desperately do with a kind face, I would always bounce out of my seat.

Was I being unreasonable? Rarely for AIBU, I genuinely want to know, and am willing to be told.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 28/09/2011 10:38

Kids don't like siting down in busses and trains, they love balancing and feeling the movement. I used to let mine stand and even (shock) climb the bars if not crowded, helps tire the little buggers darlings out. A few catsbumfaces of course, but thats par for the course with kids :o

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:39

But Human, lots of things in life are tricky, esp. with looking after small children.

Standing up for 40 minutes on a heaving bus when you're feeling absolutely hideous is also tricky, and unpleasant to boot.

So I guess it's that age-old question of whether the trickiness that is attendant to being a mother trumps the trickiness of being ill, outrageously exhausted, on the verge of tears, whatever...

Do you see what I mean??

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:40

Theas I love the idea of being a bus angel. I could have a costume and everything Grin

OP posts:
mumwithdice · 28/09/2011 10:42

Actually, fwiw, you sound very pleasant and non-judgemental when you write about the mum. And if you are feeling ill, of course you get the seat.

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 10:43

Jodie

I'm honestly not being bitter or unpleasant but surely being a Mum just does take extra sort of grit and powers of control and strength and you have to develop them, and not always expect others to accommodate you??

I'd say: surely being a human being means looking at another human being and thinking, blimey, I'm knackered, but at least there's only me, imagine being her and trying to manage two small kids on a crowded and moving bus.

I very much doubt she EXPECTED you to accommodate her, indeed, being a mother you quite soon learn that the reverse is true as everyone becomes blind to your difficulties, but hey, it would have been nice to surprise her.

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 10:43

And the very fact you even posed the question suggest to me that you know you weren't being as kind as you could be.

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:45

Fanks Mum :)

And thanks Hully (I think!) - I'm sorry you think people are blind to the difficulties of being a mum - I don't think I am, it's just trying to work out the parity of the thing, IYSWIM. You're right, surprising someone with kindness when it's not forced on you is a nice thing to do...

OP posts:
Ephiny · 28/09/2011 10:45

YANBU, but then I find it really quite odd how these days adults are expected to stand up for children, whereas when I was growing up it was the other way round!

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 10:48

Can I just say, it's not about standing up for children, these were toddlers, it is dangerous for them to stand on a crowded moving bus.

Oh you wait, people are blind all right...!

MrsvWoolf · 28/09/2011 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:50

Hully, (genuine query from an ignoramus TTCing since about 1912!) - if it was dangerous for them to stand would/should she not have asked for a seat? 'Cos I'd've rocketed up, trust me. Partly because I a NICE (no really!) and partly because I am a wimp and would not have dared say no...

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:51

Mrsv I do indeed feel guitly - or, if not guilty, sort of troubled by it, having not really known my own mind, something which happens about once every five years.......

OP posts:
Hullygully · 28/09/2011 10:51

No she wouldn't. Come on, no one would.

makachu · 28/09/2011 10:52

I think 4 and 3 is quite little and you probably should have given up your seat. When I was that sort of age and I had to travel on the tube with my mum, luggage and slightly older brother it was always nice and made it easier on everyone when someone gave up a seat for me. It was always hard to find something to hold on to. I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's ok to make kids give up seats for adults (not that that's what happened here). I don't see why they should! What makes adults more deserving of seats than young people? Being 10 years older? Big whoop! They have no personal responsibility to you. Then again, I was brought up to have equal respect for people of all ages, for things that people say and do, not for the sake of it. Hence I'd have more respect for someone giving up their seat for a small child on a bus than someone who thinks they are more entitled to that seat than them.

I haven't grown up with a sense of entitlement, I grew up knowing how nice it was when someone gave up their seat for me so I didn't get squashed, knocked over or lost. I'm usually the first on the bus to give up my seat for someone who looks like they need it.

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:52

So, she would rather leave her children in danger of injury rather than ask for a seat?

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 10:54

makachu I don't think it was so much about my deserving a seat because I'm an adult (most of the time), just that I felt SO rough, and absolutely could not have faced standing for 45 minutes, whereas they all looked pretty cheerful and getting on with stuff, only with the normal to-ing and fro-ing of parenthood, if you see what I mean.

Hmph. I don't know what I think!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 28/09/2011 10:59

You is WELL guilty.

Just don't do it again.

Always act with kindness if at all possible

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 11:01

So, ArchangelHull, if you had been on the bus with 2 children and had got a seat, and someone who had got on clearly unwell or sagging with exhaustion and tearfulness (but not actually visibly disabled or 95) would you have got up? Be honest now!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/09/2011 11:02

Macachu you really think it's ok for a 10 year old to have a seat and an adult to be left standing? Why?

One of the basic rules of respect surely says you let older people and/or those visibly struggling sit if you are in a position to be able to do so.

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 11:04

If they were clearly ill and tearful I would have offered my seat safe in the knowledge that they would decline and someone nearby would be shamed into offering theirs instead!

sausagesandmarmelade · 28/09/2011 11:05

YANBU

I absolutely empathise....

Have felt the same as you (often) on my commute to/from work.

Last night coming home I was sat next to an elderly woman. This large pregnant woman got on a few stops down and biffed the elderly woman out of her seat....seeming to assume that because she was pregnant (didn't look it tbh tho she was quite overweight) she was more entitled to a seat than the elderly woman. She then saw another pregnant woman and tried to make other passengers get up for her....even tho the woman refused and said that she was perfectly happy to stand!

Just because a woman is pregnant it doesn't make them necessarily an invalid.....incapable of standing!

If I give up my seat....It's more than likely I would have to stand for the rest of my long journey...so I'm careful who I give my seat up to and try to avoid the priority ones.

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 11:07

Why didn't you give her your seat?

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 11:08

ok.

BUS RULES:

Always offer your seat to anyone who needs it more than you.

The end.

JodieHarsh · 28/09/2011 11:14

BUT HULL THAT'S THE POINT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO NEEDED IT MOOOOOOOORREEEE

God, and to think that moaning minnie in Sophie's Choice thought she had it tough Grin

OP posts:
Hullygully · 28/09/2011 11:16

One person a bit ill, but well enough to go to work

V

One person encumbered with two toddlers

And if you were unsure, you should have chosen the kind option

Swipe left for the next trending thread