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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go for coffee with ex f*ck buddy

54 replies

apachepony · 27/09/2011 14:38

Or perhaps more ex friends with benefits. Banged into him during work today, he sent text after. Would be good to meet for a chat, were friends (with benefits) for over 5 of my most formative years in my twenties. However last time I met him it turned into the most almighty mess with my now dh screaming abuse at him down the phone. Still, would like to meet for a chat...he's cheeky as ever...Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
apachepony · 27/09/2011 15:41

In what circumstances can you be friends with exs? Is it always a bad idea?

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 27/09/2011 15:46

if you are no longer attracted to them and the relationship has run its course. if they are "the one that got away" or there are unresolved feelings, then it isnt a great idea imo.

Original poster
apachepony · 27/09/2011 15:56

Ok this was the row. About 2 1/2 years ago I was having a big birthday party. Ex fb hinted by text he wanted an invite as I had invited some mutual male friends. I ran this by now dh who grudgingly agreed. At the party we announced our engagement. I think ex fb was a bit taken aback (ok I was stupid inviting him) and got a bit mopey drunk with my sister saying that my dh was very lucky and he hoped he deserved me, that he loved me, hoped I'ld be happy etc. Learnt this after the fact from sister, and this annoyed dh. The next night I was out celebrating with my female friend, we got really drunk (unfortunately really drunk - my memory is hazy), she got it into her head to invite ex fb along, he came (all there agree I wasn't drunkenly flirting with him or doing anything suspect) and when the pub closed the four of us who were out decided to head back to mine for more drink. Dh was at home and went bat crazy when he saw ex fb come through the door, went bat crazy, through him out and rang him up a few days later to abuse him down the phone.

Haven't seen or contacted ex fb since. Since then he has a child with someone else, lots of water under the bridge, so all emotions should be gone....

I just ran into him today - wasn't suggesting meeting him next Saturday for a coffee, just next time we run into each other in a work setting, which could be in a couple of months, a year, perhaps never (we work in the same field, not the same company).

OP posts:
Original poster
apachepony · 27/09/2011 15:57

Sorry that's "threw" him out, not "through" him out, obviously...

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 27/09/2011 16:01

ah, in that case, I would say that YWBU to go for a drink with him. your dh is obviously uncomfortable with the relationship and while it would be different if there were other friends there (i see my ex in the context of seeing ALL of my friends, but not alone) the "still as cheeky" remark suggests that your relationship is still very flirty. however, I would be mightily pissed off if my dh behaved that way. it suggests that he doesnt trust you.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/09/2011 16:23

"al emotions should be gone.."

You aren't kidding me but you are kidding yourself.

OracleInaCoracle · 27/09/2011 16:27

You aren't kidding me but you are kidding yourself.

porcamiseria · 27/09/2011 16:28

I see, but I still would not do it! Its not like its "owed " to you as DH has baggage, but I can see why you feel that way

Pendeen · 27/09/2011 16:28

Very, very dangerous.

Obviously a major nerve has been touched by this.

How much do you care for DH?

ViviPru · 27/09/2011 16:35

I think its your language OP that's causing everyone to suspect your motives. For example, you say,

"so all emotions should be gone...."

If I was talking about my ex, I'd say "all emotions ARE gone ." - emphasis on full stop (even if you are talking about it from his pov)

VeryLittleGravitas · 27/09/2011 16:43

Why the fuck did your DH act like that and why the fuck did you let him?

Jealousy is a deeply unattractive trait. I wouldn't stand for it.

TheGrassIsJewelled · 27/09/2011 16:58

What pyjamas said upthread. I understand how you feel, but meeting him will end in tears (for all 3 of you). You could always meet him secretly, esp if you can do it at work, but I guess we all know where that will lead...

Proudnscary · 27/09/2011 17:09

YABU for using the term 'fuck buddy'. This isn't Sex and The City, you know.

Original poster
apachepony · 27/09/2011 17:24

I did find my dh's behaviour at the time pretty repellent. Initially I felt bad about ex being out drinking with us and terribly apologetic but then dh went too far - forced me to ring him up a few days later and tell him to stay away and then ripped the phone off me to abuse him. I always felt guility afterwards about (a) inviting ex to party where I got engaged and (b) allowing dh make me ring him and then allowing him to abuse him. I don't know why I let him, I regret letting him do so now. Cast a bit of a shadow over the first few months of our engagement alright...
Dh has never shown such jealousy before or since. He has acknowledged that he went too far but I don't think he regrets it as he feels that he "scared him off" so to speak.
I don't think meeting him would end in tears because I think I'm pretty trustworthy (ok maybe I could be a bit flirty but dh is a bit of a flirt and I trust it to go no further), but I guess this thread has made me realise what dh's reaction would be and I don't want to do it in deceit!

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 27/09/2011 17:30

Generally a bad idea to go for coffee with exes you still may want to fuck* and who DH has already thrown out the house once.

*Oh yes you do :) - or this thread would not exist....

Original poster
apachepony · 27/09/2011 23:42

Whatmeworry I don't want to sleep with him! Well told dh I met him but mentioned no texts or potential coffee meetings and that's the way it'll stay!

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AnyFucker · 27/09/2011 23:49

oh, I do like it when people realise they are BU after chatting on here and decide to modify their daft ideas Grin

good call, OP

I think the language you used was very revealing, and you have taken this into your own hands

I don't think much of your husband though....he sounds like a fucking neanderthal and he shouldn't be allowed to make the decisions for you

LineRunner · 28/09/2011 00:03

Oooh I've only just read this thread.

OP words that jump out:

Or perhaps more ex friends with benefits. Banged into him during work today, he sent text after. Would be good to meet for a chat, were friends (with benefits) for over 5 of my most formative years in my twenties. However last time I met him it turned into the most almighty mess with my now dh screaming abuse at him down the phone. Still, would like to meet for a chat...he's cheeky as ever...Aibu?

Oh you so want to.

And I would, too. But you shouldn't.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 00:06

she isn't Smile

LineRunner · 28/09/2011 00:08

Can I have the cheeky fucker, then? Smile

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 00:10

are you ovulating LR ? Grin

LineRunner · 28/09/2011 00:30

Nah, just drinking Smile

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 00:31

ah, amounts to the same thing really Grin

Original poster
apachepony · 28/09/2011 00:38

LR he's pretty easy so I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem!

OP posts:
LineRunner · 28/09/2011 00:38

Legally, I think that's actually true. Smile

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