To be livid that friend lit up in my non smoking house?

[BarbieLovesKen]

I have absolutely no issue with anyone smoking - I'd be a hypocrite if I did, I've smoked myself in the past. As far as un concerened if soneone wants to smoke, its their body and their choice.

That said I have a huge issue with anyone smoking around children and am extremely strict about ensuring no one smokes near my dc. Because of this, our house has always been a non smoking house. Everyone is aware of this. When I did smoke myself, I went outside in to the garden. If anyone visits and wants a cigarette - the go outside.

My dc are 5 years, 20 months and just 15 weeks old. Friend comes round last night for a few glasses of wine. Dc are all upstairs in bed. Each time she wants a cigarette, I go outside with her to keep her company. She went out maybe 4 times. I went to the toilet at one stage and when I came back down, she is sitting on top of my couch smoking a cigarette out the window - "you dont mind this, it's out the window" she says. I told that actually, yes I did mine and could she please throw it out. She looked surprised, giggled and said "oh feel bad now!". Admittedly she was a bit tipsy.

I am absolutely fuming - I mean really, really livid- the more I think about it, the more annoyed I'm getting. Am I over reacting? I just feel this was so disrespectful

I met someone recently who was telling me that she knew someone who wouldn't smoke in her own home. I said that maybe it's different if you have children and she said that she has three but wouldn't dream of going outside for a cigarette in her own house.

How odd.

Sorry, slightly off topic :o Anyway OP, I think livid's probably a bit of an over-reaction if she apologised and was a bit tipsy although I would never do it in someone else's home unless I'd been assured about a million times it was okay. She won't do it again I'm sure

I think you are being a little unreasonable to still be livid. Still, I never visit non smoking houses for wine for this reason. All that traipsing in and out to the garden, when you could be comfortable in your own home, puffing in style. Why bother? I dare say next time the drinks should be at her place.

YANBU at all. DH and I don't smoke, DH's dad's side of the family all smoke heavily and continuously (think lighting a new cigarette with the end of the last cigarette before it goes out) For this reason alone our DD's have never and will never go to FIL & Step-MIL's house.

When DD1 was just a couple of days old they all piled into the house and FIL lit up, DH went nut's before I even had a chance to and told his dad to go outside. His dad complained because it was cold and he didn't want to so DH told him to put his cigarette out then, FIL wouldn't so they all left without even so much as looking at DD1.

People are banished to the bottom end of our garden if they want to smoke when they are visiting. I couldn't give a flying fuck if they don't like it, they don't have to visit.

MIL OTOH smokes, has cut down dramatically and is trying her hardest to stop, stopped smoking in her own house at all in preparation for DD1's arrival. We never asked her to she just did anyway. She also changes her clothes and has a shower before we go over or she comes here so she does not even smell of smoke.

Fucking rude of people to do that in anyone elses home, let alone a non smoker.

Thanks all - sine interesting replies. I really want that fridge magnet too!!

I'll hold my hands up and admit that I really do have a habit of over reacting to things at times, so am interested in other people's views but right now - am still really annoyed, mostly because:

When I smoked myself, I always went outside, she has witnessed this a million times, why she would think it's ok for her to smoke in my house when Dh or I never have baffles me.

She waited until went to the bathroom and was already lit up when I came back - it's not like she asked could she do it, she carried on regardless, I was with her all night so why waiting til I was gone seems quite shitty to me.

Asides from having a 5 year old and a 20 month old, I have a newborn baby in the house and Shes not an idiot, she knows the risks. She asked one night, about 2 years ago when we just had dd1 if she could smoke and I told her I'd prefer if she didn't, that I'd go outside with her, because of dd1, why, now that I've 2 smaller ones she thinks it'd be ok is beyond me.

All dd2s things were thrown about the sitting room - clothes, blankets, her bouncer etc smoke clings to everything and I dont want my 3 month old reeking of cigarettes.

There's no vagueness - I've made it very, very clear loads of times that no one is allowed smoke inside or around the kids. Equally, I would never smoke around someone else's children or in their house.

Nope... Still very annoyed....

She doesn't have any children and went on at me a bit about not going out more etc and the conversation really annoyed me so maybe I was pisses with her anyway, unknown to myself and this just topped it off. Am wondering if I'd be quite as annoyed if it was "just" this. Dunno.

There are an awful lot of 'livid' and 'furious' and 'fuming' threads about atm arent there?

OP YANBU to not let people smoke in your house.

She was pissed though so was not thinking straight. I wouldnt be livid if I were you.

It sounds like in her drunken state she thought she was following the rules , albeit bending them slightly.

You're right to be upset. However I do see why you've had a bit of a mixed response - she made a slip-up, basically, she apologised, so it shouldn't really warrant being 'livid'.

But I can see why you are - it's just so crass, isn't it? Who does that? It's bloody obvious you don't want smoking in the house, she can't be arsed to go outside, so it's all 'ooh silly me'. I think that your 'livid' emotion really translates as being really, really disappointed in your friend - the crassness, the crapness of not being arsed to make the effort to show respect for your home.

I'd feel the same. I'd leave it, probably - but I wouldn't forget it and I'd think less of her.

I have never ever ever ever heard anything so unspeakably awful in my whole life.

She might as well have just dressed up in full Nazi regalia.

Livid seems a bit extreme. She was tipsy and made a silly mistake, and you set her straight. No real harm done.

Thing is op, maybe your friend would prefer to smoke with her wine at her own home. She has no kids, you have three. Maybe she feels she is already compromising by coming to yours, save the babysitting problem. Not saying she then had the right to smoke in your house, not atall. But, she may already feel she is accomodating you by coming to your place.

She was in the wrong.

But drunk people do stupid things.

If you don't think she'd have done this sober, let it go and move on - and, next time you have a drink together, lay down the law thoroughly BEFORE you start drinking so the message sinks home.

You are being completely over dramatic about a very minor incident. What real harm do you seriously think could come to a child who used clothes, blankets bouncer etc that were in the same room
as someone who had a few puffs OUT OF THE WINDOW?!!

YANBU to have disliked what she was doing, but you told her to stop, she stopped. Get over it. YABVVVVU to still be going on about it.

Na perfume, I definitely see your point but she lives at home with her parents and little brother (who are really anti smoking) so we couldn't really go to "hers" anyway.

She also invited herself out anyway (so it's not like she was doing me a favour) and was intending on staying over, I think (as we live in the muddle of nowhere and if drinking, she couldn't drive) until I pointed out that now with 3 dc I have no room for her (4 bed house, dd2 is in our room still but her bedroom has no bed in there yet). Dh told her if she wanted to drink he'd bring her home late (which he did)

Oh for God's sake!
She shouldn't have lit up in your house without asking. Your house, that's fine.
But to harp on about it as you are now? Build a bridge, and well...you know the rest.

You admit you have a habit of overreacting to things. So stop doing that.

Fair enough to be annoyed - I would be too. Livid might be a bit much, though. If the weather is dry, you could try putting soft/fabric stuff outside to air (baby bouncer, blankets etc), and give the hard stuff a quick wipe down with a soapy cloth. Febreze for the curtains.

When I was a student nurse, my parents came to visit me when I lived in the Nurses' Home, and my mum smoked at least one cigarette in my room, without asking if I minded! I was upset and cross at this, because this was my bedroom, and the smell got into my bedding and curtains etc - and I had no way, back then, of dealing with most of it - nowhere to air stuff, no time to strip and launder all my bedding - I just had to sleep with the smell and wait for it to fade.

It did fade, though.

And I seem to have grown up reasonably OK, despite a childhood where both parents smoked like chimneys, inside the house and outside, and even in the car (which I hated and made me nauseous and headachy - not that my mum believed me when I told her this). Worst case, if you can't air your child's things, the smell will fade pretty fast, as it was only one cigarette, being smoked out of the window, and she didn't finish it - plus what little has got onto your baby's things won't do them any harm.

Please note - I'm not saying that to imply that you are being precious with your baby, or that you are wrong in any way to object to your baby's stuff smelling of cigarette smoke - I just want to reassure you that it shouldn't cause lasting damage - so you don't worry.

I smoke and would never light up in someone elses house. Me and my best mate used to sit in her kitchen and smoke and when she have up I immediately started going outside. So rude!!we don't smoke inside at our house or in the car with or without the children.

Thing is that smokers also NEVER NEVER NEVER realise how much cigarettes stink and how hideous that smell is.

Imagine doing a poo in a bucket in their sitting room, leaving it there long enough for the smell to fill the room, then taking it out with a tinkly giggle 'oooh sorry!'

Well - I reckon lighting up in someone's sitting room is as bad. Worse, in fact - poo smell goes much quicker and doesn't make the room still smell stale the next day.

I think having a newborn does make you more uptight, quite rightly.

It sounds like she wasn't thinking, smokers don't really realise how much the smell travels.

I've lit up the same way in a non-smoking, top floor flat, hanging out the window. I did ask, and they said they didn't mind, but now I'm a bit mortified.

I'd be angry. As a smoker its a given that I go outside, my house is a non-smoking house too and I'd feel very much pissed off if anyone ignored that fact.

Saying that, your mate WAS tipsy.... so I'd let the anger go, you've already told her off. Next time she comes over tell her if she lights up in the house she's out.

Saying THAT, when I've been tipsy, I've never lit up in anyone's house, or the pub or anywhere I am not supposed to, so it is a thin excuse.

Wow, can't believe that so many of you have picked up on my no-smoking policy. Maybe I am just a controlling-tight arsed old sod.

Don't vet friends for smoking, but don't seem to have any that smoke (lucky me). A fairly large number of my family have died from lung cancer and I suffer from pretty terrible health anxiety, so like it or not, I am not very tolerant to smoking in any environment I control. Sorry if that makes me no fun or too controlling

I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke in my house or in my garden either. I don't want to be picking up half-chewed fag butts before DS can play in his own garden, thanks. Luckily this has never been an issue as none of our friends smoke and no, I don't vet them either.

OP YANBU but don't stay cross :)

Agree with most others. I have never smoked would rather eat and wouldn't allow smoking in my house. I have one friend who smokes and was found hanging out of the window of my flat smoking (pre-kids) because she couldn't be bothered to go downstairs. TBH she might as well not have bothered because the smoke was coming straight back into the room. I was a bit but got over it. But then I didn't have children around. I probably wouldn't have been so accomodating if I had.

Yanbu to be annoyed. A bucket of water over her as you screamed "fire" would have made you feel much better.

Both me and DH smoke however we never smoke in the house and I don't smoke in my car whether I have the DC in or not. I just don't like it and I don't want my DC to have to be around it. I would be upset that she had done this in my house more so as we don't do it!

YANBU. You made it quite clear that you preferred her to smoke outside with the previous cigarettes. I agree with some other posters that in the great scheme of things it's probably not that big a thing - it doesn't stop her from being incredibly rude though and I would also have been really annoyed.

YADNBU, some of my smoking friends ask me if it's ok to smoke next to the window or in the kitchen too then make a fuss if I say no.