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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School gate: what would you do?

46 replies

Lovelydog · 25/09/2011 22:09

name changed for this.

AIBU...group of mothers I socialise with went away two weeks ago to one mother's holiday house in the Cotswolds. This is the third time this has happened. Guess who's never invited, with the whole thing being kept secret until the last minute. I am not the only one in this position, the house could not accommodate the whole group, and myself and the homeowner/organiser are on opposite ends of the bigger group - I would not consider us to be more than friendly colleagues. I intend to do nothing more than I have previously which is to ask once if they had a nice weekend then change the subject.

I guess what is bothering me is that someone I would consider myself good friends with, and who is good friends with the organiser, appears to take some pleasure in rubbing my nose in it. I don't react when this happens, but you wouldn't have to be derren brown to work out my feeling excluded.

The other thing that concerns me is that this "in group" thinking has translated to the playground, with mothers ensuring that they invite the popular mothers' kids at all times. This is very evident from my perspective, with children who never play together being invited in place of good friends.

I am aware that I sound like something from the slummy mummy column, maybe "neurotic mother with maturity of 15 year old", but it's hard to socialise with these people, and even harder to explain to perceptive DS why he's not invited to as many outings as others: ie his mother ain't as popular. Sorry to be a bore when there are so many real problems in this world, tell me i'm being a silly cow, paint a smile on my face and fuck the lot of them.

OP posts:

bonkers20 · 25/09/2011 22:12

Yep. It's a mine field. Don't waste precious minutes of your life worrying about it. Stick to your true friends.

PrettyCandles · 25/09/2011 22:13

I don't think you're a silly cow. It's one thing to stomach feeling excluded when it only affects you, quite another when you feel it is affecting your dc.

But TBH maybe the best solution is to "paint a smile on my face and fuck the lot of them".

The group will shake down again and you and your dc will find who your true friends are.

MothInMyKecks · 25/09/2011 22:14

Yep. Too many school mummies rely on one another to provide their social lives. Fuck 'em. Get your usual friends on board and do something with them.

MitmooUpMeNightie · 25/09/2011 22:15

Organise some alternative going away stuff with the other left-outies. Be smug about it. Never ever let them know that what they're doing bothers you!

worraliberty · 25/09/2011 22:16

Bangs head repeatedly on desk

When will school mums start to learn the difference between friends and other school mums they happen to get on with?

There seems to be an influx on MN lately of Mums moaning about 'cliques' and moaning because they or their precious offspring haven't been invited to something and "I thought they were my friends" always pops up in the post.

Friends are friends and school Mums are people you tend to get along with because for the short amount of time your children spend at school, you are thrown together.

I've been close to loads of school Mums over the years, but I haven't remained actual 'friends' with any of them once the kids have left school because my real friends don't happen to have sent their kids to the same school as mine attended.

hormonalmum · 25/09/2011 22:16

ime, this is totally normal of school gate friendships.
I find school gate relationships false and full of emotional vultures.

I say hello and pass the time of day but rarely any more.

As far as your ds is concerned - am sure as he gets older he will make other friends who are not involved in this parental cliche.

hillyhilly · 25/09/2011 22:16

It seemed to me that your post explained perfectly well why you do not go on the weekend, but you apparently resent that anyway.
Get a grip, they are friends albeit not close, there is not room for everybody to do everything.

Original poster

Lovelydog · 25/09/2011 22:20

Thank you worra and hilly, I know I know but needed it confirmed. Still hurts a bit though...

OP posts:

42day · 25/09/2011 22:20

Act like you really hope they have a great time. Show an interest while making it clear that you know that you are not included. |When they eventually decide to include you have a much better option that you can rub their noses in. In other words, be as childish as they are or grow up faster than them and enjoy your life. In years to come see just what good freinds they really are.

Proudnscary · 25/09/2011 22:24

Ok I must live in a parallel universe because I have found that none of these 'school gate bitches' exist after 6 years of (different) primary schools

MitmooUpMeNightie · 25/09/2011 22:26

Worraliberty is absolutely right as per normal! Come secondary school you will never see these people again as indeed you would never have met them had your DC gone to a different school.

I found those Primary school years a total nightmare and still wish itching rectums on 95% of the hideous ghastly women who made that gate their lives!

Pawsnclaws · 25/09/2011 22:26

I've been in pretty much the same situation as you - someone I considered a very good friend effectively demoted me to Category B Friendship Status in favour of her wealthier and more glamorous new friends. I also felt there was a bit of rubbing my nose in it, and yes it's hurtful. Not so much for me, I'm big and ugly enough to take it - but more for my dcs who were pretty suddenly demoted too. Sadly my friend's "new friends" are pretty catty and I've heard them slagging her off big time - I take the view that's none oft business though as I'm outside the circle.

But - you're also right that the best way to handle this is with dignity and a smile on your face. I'm not confrontational, I'm not going to scrabble around for the crumbs from the table - I'd rather devote my energies to real friends.

scottishmummy · 25/09/2011 22:29

i understand your twinge of ouch
but we all so have preferences
at parties yes id invite all 30or so mammies. had a recent drinks at mine and i invited mum pals from school and work. never occurred to me someone might feel excluded

when its kids related stuff and party i invite class
personal get together , i invite pals

worraliberty · 25/09/2011 22:30

PMSL @ MitmooUpMeNightie....I mean both the post and the name!!

ExitPursuedByaBear · 25/09/2011 22:30

You will just have to suck it up I'm afraid. As the children get older they get to choose their own friends, not the ones their parents consider to be the most appropriate, and it all changes.

I can understand you feeling aggrieved, but get out the war paint and get that smile on.

exoticfruits · 25/09/2011 22:30

It is unpleasant but I really wouldn't worry because so far the DCs are young and they get it all their own way. They are fast getting to the age where they choose their own friends and it has nothing to do with mummy-far healthier.
Continue doing what you are doing-they grow out of it eventually. Make friends elsewhere.

raindroprhyme · 25/09/2011 22:31

just don't do the school gate thing, i send DH instead

Pawsnclaws · 25/09/2011 22:31

Took me ages to type that out ..... but in my case complicated by the fact that my friend is a long-standing non-school friend who has become infatuated with fallen in with the yummy mummy school crowd. So not really so easy for me to divorce the two! But yes, good advice on this thread nonetheless!

budgieshell · 25/09/2011 22:31

It's like being at school again (yourself). Deep down we would all like to be popular and in with the in crowd. But like school you soon move on to a new social group and it all changes again.

Keep in mind that being popular brings it's own pressures like keeping up with whats going on. Would you really want the pressure of being on holiday with these people.

I know a lot of the parents I talk to are fair weather parents only talk to you for information, a favour or there is no one else around.

Original poster

Lovelydog · 25/09/2011 22:31

Thanks guys slap I needed, and good conformation of dignity/ not arsed approach right one. Now how exactly do you get them to start itching their rectums....I really must grow-up.

OP posts:

AnitaDrink · 25/09/2011 22:36

worraliberty Spot on post. Who needs the hassle??

In 10 years of various school gates I've never had a problem.

Vague smile.
Keep moving (v important). Do not wait about. Quick chat max.
Drop and go.

MarinaIvy · 26/09/2011 13:57

In a recent episode of The Simpsons, Homer was trying to help Lisa get popular. He got a book, can't remember the name of it, that teaches girls how to get other girls to fighting each other, so Lisa could shake the foundations of, then break into, a clique.

There must be something like that on Amazon.

lollilou · 26/09/2011 14:11

I hate the school run. Hurrah only another year then DS will be able to do it himself. I do talk to some of the Mums esp parents of my DS friends but I have my own social circle outside of this who I consider my real friends. Try not to take to heart anything they do, some are just bitches

sue52 · 26/09/2011 14:16

Horrible I know but it does stop at secondary school. There is no way the average teenager will be friends with another just because their mothers get on.

SandStorm · 26/09/2011 14:19

I cannot wait for the day when I no longer have to do the school run.

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