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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School gate: what would you do?

46 replies

Lovelydog · 25/09/2011 22:09

name changed for this.

AIBU...group of mothers I socialise with went away two weeks ago to one mother's holiday house in the Cotswolds. This is the third time this has happened. Guess who's never invited, with the whole thing being kept secret until the last minute. I am not the only one in this position, the house could not accommodate the whole group, and myself and the homeowner/organiser are on opposite ends of the bigger group - I would not consider us to be more than friendly colleagues. I intend to do nothing more than I have previously which is to ask once if they had a nice weekend then change the subject.

I guess what is bothering me is that someone I would consider myself good friends with, and who is good friends with the organiser, appears to take some pleasure in rubbing my nose in it. I don't react when this happens, but you wouldn't have to be derren brown to work out my feeling excluded.

The other thing that concerns me is that this "in group" thinking has translated to the playground, with mothers ensuring that they invite the popular mothers' kids at all times. This is very evident from my perspective, with children who never play together being invited in place of good friends.

I am aware that I sound like something from the slummy mummy column, maybe "neurotic mother with maturity of 15 year old", but it's hard to socialise with these people, and even harder to explain to perceptive DS why he's not invited to as many outings as others: ie his mother ain't as popular. Sorry to be a bore when there are so many real problems in this world, tell me i'm being a silly cow, paint a smile on my face and fuck the lot of them.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/09/2011 14:24

I feel for you op, but as you say, its a big group and not everyone could be included, so it makes sense for the Cotwold ownerMummy to invite her bessies.

Its the friend who is rubbing your nose in it a leetel tiny bit that I would do my best to avoid from now on.

Its remarkable, isn't it, that grown women can get so much satisfaction from being one of the golden chosen ones? Luckily most of my friends, from school and otherwise are perfectly lovely, but we don't all do everything together.

I do know a certain individual who absolutely LOVES to be one of the in-crowd though, to the extent that she is very possessive of her little group and hates it if they make overtures to other people, to, say, try and widen their circle of friends - and that maketh me CRINGE it does.

picnicbasketcase · 26/09/2011 14:26

I don't talk to any other parents at all. They don't now and have never bothered talking to me so I haven't either. I listen to my ipod whilst waiting for the DC to come out, turn ipod off again when I have them and walk home. These people can never turn out to be the bitches they're bound to be if you don't take any notice of them. This whole school gate / playground thing doesn't need to be an issue. I have proper friends who actually like me, why bother talking to people you have nothing in common with apart from having had children at the same time?

ILoveDolly · 26/09/2011 14:28

wow I think I must be naive or lucky because as far as I know we don't have an 'in-crowd'. I would never invite a child to tea just to curry favour with the mother - What's the point? I do it as a favour to my dd.This is just like work-place politics or any other situation with adults you don't know very well. You can choose to ignore or to stand up and say 'this is unacceptable' but only you can stop yourself getting hurt or upset so do what you have to to protect yourself.

Whatmeworry · 26/09/2011 14:37

Ther needs to be a School Gate FAQ for Newbies to the sport:

Do not go to School Gate.
If you must go, do what AnitaDrink suggests above.
Go to 1.

BlowHole · 26/09/2011 14:43

I don't have any experience of this as dc is pre-school, but my plan if I do come across any of this kind of thing, is to do what I do at work ie. smile and get on with what I am doing, and not get involved with silly people's angst and bitching.

BlowHole · 26/09/2011 14:46

And thank god I live in an area where there aren't really any glamorous and wealthy people, at least not enough to form a clique

Dancergirl · 26/09/2011 14:49

I'm with Anitadrink.

I'll add this:

Once your child is of an age, park down the road and get them to come and meet YOU, thus avoiding the playground altogether.

I can't think of anything worse than being holed up in a house in the Cotswolds discussing potty training and name tapes. You're well out of it.

Growlithe · 26/09/2011 14:55

I always think of something John Bishop sais about the people at the school gate 'The only thing I have in common with these people is that we had sex in the same year'

Emilizz · 26/09/2011 14:58

Yes it's very hurtful alright. As children get older however, they choose the friends that they want and not the ones that their parents want them to hang out with.
This type of thing doesn't happen in secondary school.

LittleJennyRobyn · 26/09/2011 15:00

i do the the same as picnic, i have been doing the playground on and off for 18 years and I am thankful now DD is old enough to to go to and from school herself and if i pick her up i meet her at the far end gate which not many people use
I have never spoken to parents apart from maybe a quick hello, unless i know them from outside of school.
I keep myself to myself, i just haven't got the time or inclination for it. But you do do overhear and see some of the stuff that goes on my god it can be so bitchy and competetive
In fact i have heard a couple of them whispering about me once but god knows why considering they dont actually know me, but do you know what i really dont care. I didn't rise to it and think that if they have nothing better to do than spread idle gossip they are really not worth my energy.

aldiwhore · 26/09/2011 15:26

They are not your friends, they simply like an audience to their popularity.... scratch the surface and they're not actually 'popular' they just amass a group of insecure, spineless sychophants and give the impression that they're all bloody marvelous... the people on the outside of the group are in more quantity and quality than those in it.

I removed myself from a group like this, and it hurt sometimes because some of them had redeeming qualities. It was worth it though, to not constantly feel at the whim of certain people's various moods made leaving all worth while.

Don't feel left out. Leave yourself out. Get to know the other 'less worthy' mums and you may actually find some friends who are true, comfy, down to earth and good people.

YANBU. Its a horrible feeling, even more horrible and upsetting BECAUSE it is so petty, not in spite of it.

UsAndTwo · 26/09/2011 16:00

Some of the best friends I have made have been parents of friends of my DC. We were new to the area when my DD started school and had no friends nearby (within 50miles) so this was really the only way I met people. My work colleagues are all a lot younger, childless and tend to be on the road a lot. I agree that sometimes it can be cliquey but I disagree that all these friendships are all shallow and lost when children move on.

ll31 · 26/09/2011 16:13

as kids get older they'll be friends with who they want - I'd just ignore it tbh

Meteorite · 26/09/2011 16:17

If someone is "taking pleasure in rubbing your nose in it" then they are not the "good friend" you think they are.

aldiwhore · 26/09/2011 16:26

UsAndTwo that is the flip side. I have some very very good friends I've met through my kids who are schoolrun mums too, and some who don't do the school run very often due to work commitments. The 'popular' and very present 'group' is a problem though.

My folks are still very good friends with SOME of the parents they met through the PTA.

However, in the OP's case, she's better out of that particular group. There always seems to be drama in these groups, with a couple of people invoking the wrath of the 'leader' and being ignored. Its tiresome.

soymama · 26/09/2011 16:33

After reading all these post about school cliques I have decided to politely ignore all the school gate drama. They are all quite posh and I would'nt fit in anyway. Drop 'n' run I say!!

SnakeOnCrack · 26/09/2011 16:38

I shudder at the concept of having to make friends with the people I happen to send my children to the same school as. If we genuinely strike up a friendship because we have loads in common - great! If not, no loss!

pigletmania · 26/09/2011 16:45

I would distance myself from this vacuous shallow group and concentrate on your true friend who would b there no matter what

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/09/2011 10:50

UsAndTwo Some of the best friends I have made have been parents of friends of my DC. We were new to the area when my DD started school and had no friends nearby (within 50miles) so this was really the only way I met people. My work colleagues are all a lot younger, childless and tend to be on the road a lot. I agree that sometimes it can be cliquey but I disagree that all these friendships are all shallow and lost when children move on.

I agree. It can be great to meet people through your children as then you meet people from all walks of life that do all different type of jobs . . . the one's you wouldn't normally come across in your working or social life. It can (assuming they are nice) be really good.

Nowtspecial · 30/09/2011 11:12

Fuck em. I've already seen degrees of arsiness in the first two weeks of school which makes me think it's best just to nod and be nice and fuck off home as quick as is possible, mumsnet has confirmed this is probably best, thks mn.

Stoirin · 30/09/2011 11:56

Do you do any inviting though, or are you sitting around waiting for the Alphas to bestow largesse?
Ask your kid who he wants to play with, and invite them yourself. The rest is politics and its a load of bollocks.

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