to not give DF any financial security?

[TheDetective]

Long story short. I am 26. DF is 21. I have a 9 year old DS. I bought this house in 2008, and it is just me on the mortgage (was with DS dad at the time, but bought it solely by myself). This is my home, and DS's home. I will never ever get a joint mortgage with DF, and will not tangle any finances with him.

I don't want to follow in my mothers footsteps. She has been divorced twice, and both times lost a lot of money due to property - she lost the family home when she divorced my dad when I was 9 years old!

As a result I feel the need to be independent of any man. I am the main wage earner, and he doesn't earn enough to contribute towards household expenditure - he pays for his own things, I pay for my home, and me/DS. I like it this way - it means I am in control for my future, my DS's future, and any children I may have down the line. If we have children, I don't see much changing, other than him contributing towards childcare costs, and the costs for the child/ren.

The upshot for DF is that he will never own his own home while we are together, and should anything happen between us, he will find himself starting from zero so to speak.

I worry because I don't want to do this to him, I want him to have financial security, but I am making this impossible for him really. I won't compromise my childs home by allowing anyone a chance to take it away from him/us.

Am I being unreasonable? Probably - but its out of fear...

He - I think OP would get MORE of a roasting as a man tbh. Not from me - I'm an equal opps flamer, but soem would call 'him' an abusive, controller.

And in 10 years you will have even MORE life experience.

How does he feel about your pov and what you want to do to protect yourself?

Let me get this right. You're engaged but never intend to get married?

So he's just a boyfriend but you got a pretty ring out of it then?

I would not want to risk losing my home either, if I had a child and was in your position, so I understand you wanting to ring fence your property in the event of a split. A parent should always put their child's needs first when it comes to securing their future. If you didn't have a child, I would say that you ought to be in a relationship properly or not at all, if you were to marry this man.

I think it would be a good idea for your partner to buy his own place when he is ready and to rent it out or something, so he has assets of his own and isn't held back because he lives with you. I think I would see a solicitor and get an agreement drawn up which protects your child. He should understand that you are being a good mum and so long as he gets to keep his own money to secure his own future, then I think that's fair enough. Lots of couples have separate finances and I think that's sensible if one of you has a child to protect.

I have recently git divorced and own the former matrimonial home solely.

I can confirm that he would have a claim to some of the equity if you marry and he moves in ... But the posters who say he would jointly own it with you are wrong.

My advice ? As you feel so strongly about this, don't get married.

I completely understand your thinking. I have indeed done exactly the same thing myself, except I was 36 and he was 30.

My thinking then was that he was a financially independant adult before I met him, any any money he brought into the releationship was still his (he brought none) and thus what I brought in was mine (house). I made it plain that was the deal, because I was the one with a child (and the house) and he accepted it.

I think thats the thing to bare in mind, he is an adult, and he has obviously chosen to accept your conditions and stay with you.

However, all things change. What will you do if you move house? Have another child? What if he decides this isn't fair?

Another thing though, if you feel so guilty about his lack of financial security then you should do something about it. Either give him some or give him the means to earn it. By that I mean support him while he studies for example, or starts his own business, or just encourage him to 'improve himeself'.

Does he know that you aren't planning to marry him?

How does your fiance feel about all this. I suspect he is blinded by love at the moment, but one day he will realise he is not getting a very fair deal out of this. It isnt a relationship, and I really hope you dont have a child together.

He asked you to marry him and you said yes even though you have no intention of marrying him!? I find this very sad.

He's 21, he's young... I think he'd be better off with someone else because you appear to not want to make any commitment to him at all, including financial. If this was a male poster, we'd be telling him he's an arsehole... If this was a female poster whose DP didn't want to commit financially and there is one posting almost exactly like this CJ0210 (you'll have to search for it) then we'd be telling her to run a mile.

I'd you don't want to marry him, give the guy and break and tell him you don't want to marry him.

I've been in this situation before. I split with my children's mum and was full time single dad. I later moved in with a partner who also had 2 kids. But I left the house in my name since it was all my money and she hadn't contributed anything towards the house. It was my financial security for me & my kids.

Our financial security (me & kids) was one of the big reasons I told myself I didn't want to get married. As a product of divorced parents and having seen the divorce statistics, it seemed only sensible.

So I can totally see where OP is coming from. Fair is a relative term and personally you can screw fair when it comes to protecting my kids.

Eventually we split up and I was very glad I didn't marry her. Or we'd be out of the home I've worked so hard to pay for whilst she'd not contributed anything.

Now I'm with another lady. Same issue. She's brought nothing to the table other than her good self. If we got married and anything went wrong then financially I'd be risking the family home and my savings.

But you know what? I actually don't care. Well I do. But I want to be married to her. I don't want to contemplate the idea that we'd ever split up. I want us to get married when the time is right because i want the security of knowing we'll be together forever. I want to know that if times are hard, that piece of paper will help tie us together and give us a reason to work together to fix the problem.

My point is this. With one woman I wouldn't consider the notion of marrying her. With another I would do so tomorrow. The only conclusion I can come to is that I didn't love the other woman enough. I suspect you are in the same boat OP.

i think on one hand you are being reasonable and clever and mature looking out for the road ahead and your kid's future.

however i feel you are not treating your boyfriend/partner fairly. if you have genuine feelings for him you would not treat him like you are. BUT if you have laid down the law as in this is what your intentions are and he still wants to be around then fair enough.

it you are not intending to marry him say so. thats not nice!!

perhaps meet with some legal advisory of that "what ifs" or how you can secure your child's future were you to set up home with someone. educate yourself. you cant enter every reltaionship with the attitude of what to do when its over. you are not giving yourself or your partner a chance.

good luck.

You need to learn to trust. If you dont trust him then dont marry him. Marriage is about sharing everything. You just cannot have the certainties you want. Invest in your relationship, that's what is most important.

good post niceguy2

If it was the other way round (his house) we'd all be

I completely understand your concerns.

I think you need to not get married. Keep things as they are.

Review the situation every 5 years say. And if you have any children with him obviously things will change.

I had property before I met DH, and I paid a lot more into the house than him. We set things up to reflect that, as we hadn't been together very long and I wanted to protect my assets.

A few years, a marriage and DCs down the line we have changed things to reflect the new situation.

Obviously I think that is fair enough.

You have only been with your DF 2 years, give it some time, follow your instincts about not marrying and therefore risking the home of you and your son. A few years down the line things might well feel different.

Good post niceguy.

OP the bottom line is that if you loved him enough, and really wanted to be with him forever then you would marry him and welcome him into your life.
Now there is nothing to stop you saving some money in trust for your DS so that he still has something to start him in life if your relationship ends.

But if you were to have more children with your DF then surely you wouldn't want to treat your DS differently to them, and so you would all live as one family with pooled resources?

I think you are doing him a massive disservice. Tell him that you won't marry him, and let him go and find someone to make a life with. I think you are being very, very unfair.

I really don't think that if it were a man with responsibility for a child and his own home considering marrying a 21 year old that he's known for 2 years I would think any differently.

2 years isn't very long, and 21 isn't very old. I wouldn't advise anyone to risk their child's home at that stage TBH.

There's nothing wrong with being cautious. So many people aren't cautious and get screwed over. Silly really.

Without meaning to be rude, at 26 I thought I was oh so mature and knew everything. Turns out I knew very little about life. So I'd say don't rush. You are only 26. Your DF is a baby at 21.

In fact the key time to me will be in about 5-6 years time when you are in your thirties & he's mid twenties. The fact you had a child young has meant your social life has been restricted. Once you hit your thirties, you'll be even more settled than you are now. He on the other hand will look around him and all his mates will be out getting pissed, pulling and going on luxury holidays with their GF's.

If you survive that one, then get married. There's no rush now.

To be fair, the fact you are even thinking about his financial security shows you are a good person.

I second poncey's post.

You aren't obliged to live together so soon and whilst he is so young.

It sounds as though you trust him with your DS but not your money.

My DD at 21 was very mature, now at 25 she is acting manager of a MH unit and has experienced life to a degree that many on here will never do. I take it he is a very mature 21, otherwise you shouldn't have been moiving him in with your DS.

You don't have to be making these sort of plans yet. Things will naturally change as time moves on. Is he making a contribution to your DS, in terms of emotional security and stability? or doesn't that count?

If you were to die or become disabled during the relationship, does he think of himself as your DS's SD and a life partner to you? these are the questions you should be focusing on.

Agree with those who said if this was a woman posting as the DF, saying that he earned all the money, he had the house, had no plans to marry for fear she'd take if from him, we would ALL tell her to get the f*ck out! We'd ALL see that she was being controlled, and held so financially tight as to border on financial abuse. Maybe we'd be wrong, over egging it and all that, but the set up you have stinks.

I remember what an idiot I was at 21, and right up until 25 (and then some) tbh. So tbh, BOTH of you are in danger of not actually knowing what you are doing wrt life.

You may have an advanced education from the University of Hard Knocks, and there is no denying that you have worked bloody hard to support yourself, but this guy is not on the same page as you.

YABU to expect him to just man up and rise to the challenge. you have known this guy merely 2 years. He is your world apparently, but you won't use any of your hard earned 3x his salary to help him have less month at the end of his pay packet.

Maybe I'm seeing this all wrong, but from here you are not a very pretty sight as far as relationships go.

OP I am gobsmacked at some of the responses you have received.
Your DF lives with you rent free and does not contribute to the household expenses yet you are being accused of being financially controlling? Bullshit. You seem very sensible to me and would be insane to get a joint mortgage with him at this point.
The being engaged but not seeing yourself marrying does sound a bit dodgy tbh - does he know you feel this way?
You have a duty to your son to protect his future and offering up half your property to a young man who cannot pay his way would not be doing this.
I wonder if other posters realise that if you were not bankroling him he would presumably still be at home with his mum.

I also agree with the previous poster that if this relationship continues and he is in a position to pay a mortgage in the future then it would be sensible for him to buy a property to rent out so that he has an investment in his future should it not pan out to be with you. As long as you are open with your df about your position and then it leaves him with the choice.

I think you're already kippered. If you live together for a long enough time doesn't he have a claim anyway?