to not give DF any financial security?

[TheDetective]

Long story short. I am 26. DF is 21. I have a 9 year old DS. I bought this house in 2008, and it is just me on the mortgage (was with DS dad at the time, but bought it solely by myself). This is my home, and DS's home. I will never ever get a joint mortgage with DF, and will not tangle any finances with him.

I don't want to follow in my mothers footsteps. She has been divorced twice, and both times lost a lot of money due to property - she lost the family home when she divorced my dad when I was 9 years old!

As a result I feel the need to be independent of any man. I am the main wage earner, and he doesn't earn enough to contribute towards household expenditure - he pays for his own things, I pay for my home, and me/DS. I like it this way - it means I am in control for my future, my DS's future, and any children I may have down the line. If we have children, I don't see much changing, other than him contributing towards childcare costs, and the costs for the child/ren.

The upshot for DF is that he will never own his own home while we are together, and should anything happen between us, he will find himself starting from zero so to speak.

I worry because I don't want to do this to him, I want him to have financial security, but I am making this impossible for him really. I won't compromise my childs home by allowing anyone a chance to take it away from him/us.

Am I being unreasonable? Probably - but its out of fear...

To be honest in the OPs position I'd not give a man an inch.

But irrespective of how much he earns I'd expect him to pay his way. But not to the point he is entitled to anything.

I was married for 7 years, everything in the house was mine, my kitchen cost 10k, I paid for holidays etc., He gave me £100 a week not even half of the expenditure, I had two children.

When we split up he moved out with his clothes, end of.

Oh and to the OP, he is 21, far too young to be settling down with a mortgage, or children.

He has not grown up yet. My son is 23 and I'd never allow him to be in a full on relationship at that age, he was to busy studying.

Fabby, best will in the world, no bugger would want to live with you! You're hard work at the best of times.

I think you're being very unfair on him. I think you should tell him you don't really intend to marry him or share things properly so that he can freely pursue a serious relationship elsewhere if he wants to.

... if we have children together FGS don't!

If you dont want to share everything with him, including your property and assets, then why marry him?

You sound like you are not sure about the relationship - worrying about how it will end already.

My son is 23 and I'd never allow him to be in a full on relationship at that age

I pity the woman who ends up with you as a MIL Fabby :o

Trois! I lived with the kids dad 10 years, and my husband for 7.

Im different in real life, but to be honest, I like living without a man.

Hey he has a great girlfriend, they both put their studies first.

You say he's equal to you but you say 'any DC I may have down the line' - not we, I. You do sound controlling. Probably one of the reasons you are with him. He cannot contribute equally and that suits you as you want to be independant of him. You want to pull the strings, scared of getting hurt, financially screwed. Either you love and trust him or not.

TBH fabby - I reckon you would be great RL mate and night out - you are as bad as me when it come to one line postings!

Oh Im a scream on a night out!

Me likes fun!

Sperm donors? How do you figure that one out! If that was the case, I'd have a shed full of kids by now lmao!!!

A point aside - I was pregnant at 16, and I've worked so god damn hard to pull myself out of a life of - well, not a lot. I've been to uni, and bought a home, all for my DS. To give him what I couldn't from the start. I can't have that taken from him. Be it now, or in 60 years time. I would be stupid to rush blindly into a relationship, and not consider these things.

DoMeDon, it was a figure of speech. Plenty of other times I have said we.

You are in a relationship with a man barely out of childhood. It's no wonder he has nothing generally 21 year old's don't have responsibilities.

He is far too young to take on you or a 9 year old boy. Jeez he only just out of shorts himself and grown pubes.

He's only 21, he has huge potential to earn a lot more as he gets older. It may be that you will find he earns a lot more than you in the future, especially if you are considering taking time away from work to have more children (unfair but how it is often). Have you considered that you might be missing out in the long run? Or will you change the arrangement at this point?

However if you don't get married and aren't therefore sharing your assets, there is nothing to stop him buying a house to rent out or investing separately to you, so you are not preventing him from having any financial security necessarily.

It doesn't seem like much of a partnership though.

OP I really get where you are coming from, but its really not fair on him and if you were posting this as a man you'd have had a roasting by now.

So? I am barely out of childhood either :D I'll have you know!!! What difference does his age make anyway?

I wouldn't get married if I were you.

Stormwater, no, I'd not change the arrangement no matter what he earned - if he earned more than me, it still wouldn't change the fact that this is mine and DS's house and that is how I wish for it to remain.

I wouldn't be able to take time out of work - jobs are hard to come by - it would be 6 months mat leave and that is it.

You have a child you have lived. You are five years older. He has nothing no house, no child, he has not lived yet.

21 is young, whether you are male or female.

I'm not so sure the OP would get a roasting if she were a single dad with sole responsibility for his DS. The OP is acting out of protective instincts towards her DS as opposed to keeping all her money/property for her and if she and DF had children together, it would still be her who would financially suffer the most.

OP I totally understand where you are coming from - I am a single mum with one DS (a good decade older than you) and I can see that I am going to have the same attitude in relationships because I don't want to compromise my DS's future. Don't have any answers sorry....just sympathy.

Age makes a differnece to experience/attitude/earnings/lots of things.

I appreciate you have said 'we' at other times but you chose to say 'I' when talking about your financial future and that of any DC. That says something to me - which I expanded on in prev post. You want to be in control. I get that- it is about protecting yourserlf and your son. If your DP goes into the arrangement willingly that is his choice. IMO it is not a fair/equal and trusting relationship. If I knew him I would caution agaginst it.

I was living with my ex at 17, with a child - I guess I disagree when it comes to age equaling life experience - because at 21 I had plenty. My DF has life experience of his own - he's been working since 17, supporting himself. He's not an immature 21 year old.