about keeping in contact with exSIL?

[icouldbethomasina]

DBro and SIL are in the midst of a very very bitter divorce.

DBro is StepD to my 2 neices (their BirthDad is not in picture - DBro has been since youngest was 6)

I got on very very well with (ex)SIL (we lived close to them while they where married)

My DBro is well - not a very nice bloke - manipulative,had problems a few years ago with booze, generally an angry man etc (without going into it there is stuff in our childhood -not a excuse but a part explanation as to why over the years I have put up with him to some degree)

DBro is not and said he will not be involved with 2 DN and has moved about 4 hrs away, got new flat etc.

On phone to DBro tonight (to make sure he is alright - I feel like I should as no one else will - we are all each other have famiy wise) he shouted down the phone saying that I should have nothing to do with that 'Fucking dirty bitch or her fucking bitches of daughters'

Now I am glad that he is having nothing to do with DN anymore. but exSIL and I still get on well - we are friends. Her DDs consider and call me and DH aunt and uncle and are very excited to have a new (and the first one) cousin. (we still see each other as live close etc)

But as exSIL is cutting all ties with DBro AIBU to keep in contact with her and DN especially as I will not cut my ties with my brother completely.
Is it fair on DN to still be aunt and uncle and have cousins but yet their StepDad doesn't want anything to do with them? (they are 12 and 14)

I know I could bring this up with exSIL but with all the shit she is going though from DBro I don't want to bring more stuff for her to think about.

So thought I'd get your opinion

I would stay in contact if that's what your SIL wants too.

YANBU. Stay in contact with your SIL and DNs.

When my ex walked out on us, my SIL decided to cut all ties with us too.

She wrote my DCs a letter (they were teens at the time) explaining that, as she was sister to their father and he had chosen to go off with his new woman, then she felt she couldn't continue to have contact with me (understandable to a degree, although we were friends and lived nearby while my ex had gone to live about 60 miles away) and them (WTF!)

They were terribly upset and confused by the woman's action (then copied by the rest of his family) and still are today - nine years on. There has been no contact with my DCs from any of his family, including their grandmother.

Could you not try to persuade your DB to get help for his anger issues?

You should not repeat anything that is said by either of them to each other, you don't have to talk about them and tell them that you would rather that they didn't ask you about each other.

The friendship may naturally just fade if she gets into another relationship or moves on with her life.

This is tricky. My sick family gushed all over stayed in contact with abusive ex when I left him due to his excessively controlling behaviour. The betrayal from my family did my head right in. My situation is different in that my sick family had access to the kids through me.

I understand him feeling betrayed but his behaviour is, as things stand, very unreasonable eg his comments about his step-daughters. This could be an opportunity for you to say that he has your love and support but that in this instance his behaviour is unreasonable - what is he going to do about it?

Don't lose touch with much loved members of YOUR family because your brother is a horrible person. Why should you and they lose out?

Your relationships are none of his business. Don't pass comment on anything that goes on between him and your SIL, and make it clear to her that you care only about maintaining good family ties with her and her daughters. Don't be drawn into anything.

Please don't let him affect your relationships - he may have had a hard time, but he sounds like a thoroughly horrid person, tbh. Using that language to refer to his stepdaughters, children who are innocent in this and who he should love as his own? Urgh.

of course YANBU to keep in contact with her and your DN - you can decide together your relationship.
Just make sure not to talk about DBro with her.

As for DBro don't talk about them with him - equally you can decide for yourself about your relationship with him, just make sure he doesn't effect you too much with his behaviour. (and about your upcoming DC)