about keeping in contact with exSIL?

[icouldbethomasina]

DBro and SIL are in the midst of a very very bitter divorce.

DBro is StepD to my 2 neices (their BirthDad is not in picture - DBro has been since youngest was 6)

I got on very very well with (ex)SIL (we lived close to them while they where married)

My DBro is well - not a very nice bloke - manipulative,had problems a few years ago with booze, generally an angry man etc (without going into it there is stuff in our childhood -not a excuse but a part explanation as to why over the years I have put up with him to some degree)

DBro is not and said he will not be involved with 2 DN and has moved about 4 hrs away, got new flat etc.

On phone to DBro tonight (to make sure he is alright - I feel like I should as no one else will - we are all each other have famiy wise) he shouted down the phone saying that I should have nothing to do with that 'Fucking dirty bitch or her fucking bitches of daughters'

Now I am glad that he is having nothing to do with DN anymore. but exSIL and I still get on well - we are friends. Her DDs consider and call me and DH aunt and uncle and are very excited to have a new (and the first one) cousin. (we still see each other as live close etc)

But as exSIL is cutting all ties with DBro AIBU to keep in contact with her and DN especially as I will not cut my ties with my brother completely.
Is it fair on DN to still be aunt and uncle and have cousins but yet their StepDad doesn't want anything to do with them? (they are 12 and 14)

I know I could bring this up with exSIL but with all the shit she is going though from DBro I don't want to bring more stuff for her to think about.

So thought I'd get your opinion

[poormesomemore]

of course YANBU to keep in contact with her and your DN - you can decide together your relationship.
Just make sure not to talk about DBro with her.

As for DBro don't talk about them with him - equally you can decide for yourself about your relationship with him, just make sure he doesn't effect you too much with his behaviour. (and about your upcoming DC)

[ShoutyHamster]

Don't lose touch with much loved members of YOUR family because your brother is a horrible person. Why should you and they lose out?

Your relationships are none of his business. Don't pass comment on anything that goes on between him and your SIL, and make it clear to her that you care only about maintaining good family ties with her and her daughters. Don't be drawn into anything.

Please don't let him affect your relationships - he may have had a hard time, but he sounds like a thoroughly horrid person, tbh. Using that language to refer to his stepdaughters, children who are innocent in this and who he should love as his own? Urgh.

[springydaffs]

This is tricky. My sick family gushed all over stayed in contact with abusive ex when I left him due to his excessively controlling behaviour. The betrayal from my family did my head right in. My situation is different in that my sick family had access to the kids through me.

I understand him feeling betrayed but his behaviour is, as things stand, very unreasonable eg his comments about his step-daughters. This could be an opportunity for you to say that he has your love and support but that in this instance his behaviour is unreasonable - what is he going to do about it?

[Birdsgottafly]

Could you not try to persuade your DB to get help for his anger issues?

You should not repeat anything that is said by either of them to each other, you don't have to talk about them and tell them that you would rather that they didn't ask you about each other.

The friendship may naturally just fade if she gets into another relationship or moves on with her life.

[broadsheetbabe]

YANBU. Stay in contact with your SIL and DNs.

When my ex walked out on us, my SIL decided to cut all ties with us too.

She wrote my DCs a letter (they were teens at the time) explaining that, as she was sister to their father and he had chosen to go off with his new woman, then she felt she couldn't continue to have contact with me (understandable to a degree, although we were friends and lived nearby while my ex had gone to live about 60 miles away) and them (WTF!)

They were terribly upset and confused by the woman's action (then copied by the rest of his family) and still are today - nine years on. There has been no contact with my DCs from any of his family, including their grandmother.

[trixymalixy]

I would stay in contact if that's what your SIL wants too.

[Nanny0gg]

Let her decide.
If she wants to keep in touch with you in spite of your brother then do. Just don't discuss him with her and vice versa.

What's the betting you lose contact with him in the future anyway?

[Groovee]

I'd speak to your SIL and see what she wants to do. When dh's relation and his then partner split we'd been very friendly but she cut contact with me too as she was about to launch a horrific custody battle. It makes me sad but sometimes this is the way life is.

[bluelaguna]

My mum and dad divorced years ago.

My mum is still in contact with and sees my dad's sister and my dad's brother. Also their children and grandchildren. They all get on well, always have done. My dad doesn't get on with anyone from any part of the family, although I keep in contact with my dad to keep the peace.

So, YANBU IMO.

[MULLYPEEP]

YANBU to stay in contact. Although your brothers behaviour is crap at times, he is hurting and wants you to be loyal to him and might feel you are rejecting him for them, just by maintaining contact. I would explain to him your loyalties are still with him now and in the future, that you are sorry for the divorce and all the rubbish that goes with it but you dont see how stopping your relationship is helpful. If your childhood was crap, he'll probably be very sensitive to rejection.

[Icelollycraving]

I would leave it to sil. It would be too harsh & unnecessary to cut her & her children out of your life. Lots of people give you a wide berth when you divorce,don't be one of them.

[iscream]

You sound like a supportive and understanding sister. I understand how a person can be scarred by a bad childhood. And sometimes a person can inherit personality and temper from a parent. I noticed it in my oldest son who does not know his bio father, but still has some of his personality and characteristics. Good luck.

[Smadarama]

I'm still friends with x sil and her family - in fact we're closer now than we were when I was married to her brother. At first we had a couple of awkward moments re: boundaries - mainly due to me it has to be said - but it soon settled down, now after 7 years divorce it's just settled into an easy friendship. The other day her daughter - now an older teenager posted a picture of me from back in the day on her FB page and tagged me as 'Auntie Smadarama' - made me .

[itisnearlysummer]

Agree, keep in contact with her and give your brother a wide berth for a bit. Tbh, you nieces don't deserve to lose their 'dad' and their aunt/uncle/cousin.

He is behaving very U, you are not.

[FabbyChic]

Why would you cut contact with her? It is not you that is divorcing her.

You and her are friends, providing she doesn't slag off your brother to you I cannot see what the problem is.

He has fucked off, you still live their, you are to all intents and purposes still family, just because a divorce occurs does not mean you have to cease contact.

[AgentZigzag]

Hehe, through thick and thin

[AgentZigzag]

You say nobody else in your family bothers with him icould, has he ever said he appreciates how loyal you've been to him?

I admire you for sticking with him through thick and thick.

[FetchezLaVache]

From what you say, in your shoes I'd be staying in touch with DSIL and DNs but kicking DB to the kerb. You don't get to choose your family, and all that...

[Imnotdarrellrivers]

Guessing there is more to you and your DBro relationship than you are saying - which is fine.

Continue to have a relationship with exSIL and DN in a way that you, she and DN want to and keep your DBro (though why you include the D i don't know) separate from them, your relationship and don't bring it up (esp around DN - who actually are of an age where they can decide if they want to continue to have a relationship with you when it is not required. Take the fact that they do as a complement)

[Morloth]

You should stay in contact, but be very careful to start viewing them separately. As in make sure your DB doesn't try to use your contact to control XSIL and vice versa.

Forge a separate relationship with them that doesn't involve your brother at all.

[icouldbethomasina]

So glad you think it is okay and that IANBU - DBro just gets to me with things like that.


iscream I'm not blaming his behaviour our childhood but trust me when I say it definatly wasnt pretty and some of his actions (eg drink and being very angry at world etc) are a reaction and a way to deal with all the shit we went though. (manipulation though and stuff like that is him, his personality and has our father written all over it) That probably sounds like I am defending him - I'm not really - it is just that I have spent many years helping him and backing him up and looking out for him (even though I am younger)

[iscream]

I would stay in contact with your sil and dn's. They are important to you whether or not your b is in the picture, and he sounds horrible, sorry. They shouldn't loose out on you, nor you them. Just don't discuss them with your b ever. Sorry your brother is like that...I don't think childhood is to blame, sounds like he is not well mentally or is a bad person to talk about the girls like that. I am sorry, maybe he needs help, but don't let him ruin your friendship/relationship, they are still your family in your heart.

[LineRunner]

Stay friends with her; but be truthful.

Good for you.

[maristella]

Sometimes family is the unit you build around you, and it sounds as if ex-Sil and her daughters meet that criteria.

You sound like a lovely aunt :)