to feel pissed off with my mum

[iambach]

My mum who is 63 retired last year and has very quickly decided she is this little old fragile lady. She is healthy enough, has the odd ache and pain, who doesn't and smokes. She says smoking is her only pleasure in life, that it is the governments fault that she is an 'addict'. In the past year i have watched my mum become more and more miserable and take on this old lady persona.

She visited us for 4 days and has just left, during this time she walked around with a little blanket round her shoulders with this little old lady face on making unhelpful comments like 'i never know what to bring dd1 as she isn't allowed make up' (dd1 is 4), 'you should feed dd2 up like that, it isn't good for her, i wouldnt even eat that amount at lunch' (dd2 is 3 and was a big baby, still chunky but not over weight and she had a chicken salad sandwich and 3 little conichons on the side)

I am so fed up with how depressing it is to be around her. Everything she says is negative and she never laughs or smiles or takes pleasure in anything, apart from going outside for a fag.

AIBU feeling pissed off with her rather than feeling sympathetic? It is getting harder and harder to spend time with her.

retiring is very very bad for psychological and physical well-being - she needs to find something to do!!! and very quickly by the sounds of things. You're not being unreasonable - my Dad can be such a grumpy old fart at times. I do tell him to wind his neck in though. Have you jokingly or otherwise tried to get your mother to buck herself up?

Ditto my mum,not old,has developed some mental health problems after years of self medicating ( dicking with her prescriptions) for a totally manageable condition. Is totally miserable and NASTY,none of us can do anything right and none of us care apparently

Compassion obviously isnt my strong point

Sounds like she's feeling her mortality.

Did her job make up an important part of how she defines herself? Making the loose end she finds herself at more difficult?

I'm not sure where the smoking fits into what you're saying though.

Where is your Dad? Are they still together? The reason I ask is that I watched both my Grandma and my Mum become similar to this when my Grandad and my Dad died (ie when they lost their husbands).
My Grandma literally wasted away and died within a couple of years of my Grandad.
My Dad died 10 years ago, and some days my mum is just so miserable!

My Mum can be like that at 10 yrs younger than yours! She has given up.

w6mum i have tried many times suggesting things she might like to try. She only likes smoking and shopping it would seem. She is very materialistic and used to enjoy working and then spending her money on her 'bargains' but now she just shops and then watches soaps on the tv.

We live 4 hours form her and have 3 small kids. When she visits she still drops everything when her soaps come on, even getting ratty with my dh and dc's if they disturb her viewing which i think is just bloody rude. She actually bought us a tv for christmas as we are not big tv watchers and had a tiny portable thing and she wanted a 'decent one' for her visiting!

She also doesnt take kindly to my suggesting she starts swimmming or walking or going on short breaks with my Dad, nothing appeals and she says she is quite happy in her own house doing her own thing.

Sometimes i feel like saying to her 'just fuck off home then and watch your soaps and be a miserable old lady before your time, if that is what you want to do, just dont inflict your misery on us' but despite her being a miserable old moo i love her, she's my mum and i'm so sad she is miserable by choice.

I know my mum has said that there comes a time when you realise you have more time behind you that you've got in front, and that must be a depressing realisation.

You might think why bother trying anything new, or sorting stuff for the future?

Your mum might be trying to say something to you about how she feels, but isn't able to say it straight out?

Sorry for your trouble Iambach, She sounds a right PITTA.But please tell me what conichons are.I've tried google,but the nearest thing to it is snails.Does she eat a lunchtime sandwich with 3 snails on the side every day ?

Smoking bit is relevant because she makes such a fuss about stuff like moaning about things not being 'clean' enough for her, making comments regarding cleanliness cos she has issues, moaning that my dogs will stink out the house yet all the while she stinks of fags and so does her house.

About my Dad, he is still alive, they are still together and tbh i think my Mum is sucking the life right out of him. After 4 days with her i feel drained, he bloody lives with her permanently.

She told us constantly she 'hated' her job and that she couldnt wait to retire. She took early retirement. She does miss it but i reckon it ithe company she misses which is why i try to encourage her to get out and do other stuff with people- join the knitting group, go swimming, use the library, whatever.

X-posts iambach, my mum also went through a similar soap addict phase where any distractions were severely frowned upon.

Not wishing to read too much into it, but for her, I think she was so disheartened with her lot that it was a relief to have something to escape into.

I disagree that your mum's miserable by choice, nobody would choose to feel like crap.

Maybe she wants to feel cared for by someone while she's feeling so low, and thinks the fragile look will provoke that in you?

Agentzigzag my mum never has a problem saying things, she is extremely cutting and outspoken. My dh is very mildmannered, she will ask him 'do u want a cuppa' he pauses while thinking over the question, as he does, and my mum will give him a tongue lashing 'oh ffs when you decide make it yourself'!!

Cornichons (sorry missed the r last time) are little gherkins. Lovely!! Get a big jar in lidl and my dd's polish them off in no time!! Lovely on the side!!

Little pickled gherkins?

maras2 - I think she meant cornichons which are small gherkins - much yummier than snails!

X=posts!

My mum currently does the 'I hate my job I wish I could retire' thing, she works very minimal hours and lives opposite her work while Dad will have to work well past retirement for mortgage reasons with a long commute. No one can be as tired as her. She does have hormonal issues stopping her sleeping and she and dad sleep apart. It seems like no life to me but it drains people to be around.

x post again! TBH my mum has always been a complex character, if she doesn't get her own way she will use emotional blackmail to try and get things going her way again. Perfect example being when i was 20 i feel pregnant and my mum decided this was not acceptable in any shape or form and so told me to have a termination, her exact words were 'if you dont have a termination, you dont have a mum'. I found that most supportive and helpful at the time
I wont deny my mum had a bit of a traumatic childhood which i am sure accounts for many of her 'ways' but i am sick of making excuses for her. Sometimes she is just plain awful.

Thanks. Mx.

Crikey. Have you tried W6mum's approach - jokingly tried to get her to buck up?

Or would that just be a disaster? I'm fascinated by the little blanket round her shoulders. Literally draped in symbolism?

I think I must have a watered down version of you mum iam

Mine's a master at emotional blackmail and also had a traumatic childhood, but she would have never stooped so low as to try to make me choose between her and my unborn baby.

There wouldn't have been a choice anyway, I'd have dropped her like a stone if she'd ever been so heartless and self centred.

How did you manage to overcome that remark and keep your relationship with her going?

I didnt overcome that remark, i bear a grudge.

Isn't it sad how a trauma in a family can continue to cause misery for years to come down so many generations. Makes me so sad.

I am glad we moved away. It was hard for me at first to leave as i always felt i wanted to be close to my family but now i realise just how negative my mums influence is on me and i am glad not to have that hanging over me as i raise my kids. I want to be a different kind of mum than she was. I am.

Oh its quite good to read this, obviously not good for you lovely ladies but reassuring i should say! My mother is a royal pain in the arse. She bothers with me when she sees fit, when she does come round its the same story each time. How tired she is, How ill she is, How brave people think she is, How little her partner pays towards the bills, how little he does through the house. How bad my dad treat her etc She drains me completely.

She has been poorly but she is only mid 50's and she could quite easily have a better life, but she would rather be a martyr and a victim.

Drives me insane but feel bad bad mouthing her cos she is my mother at the end of the day.

She has never been funny, nice or charming, but now she is downright bitter and twisted!!

I refuse to let this go down another generation!!!

This is my mil, to a T. Early mid 60s- it's not even old is it? I don't know why they want to be that person who makes everyone else miserable

be grateful for what you have

She's probably lonely without work collegues despite saying she didnt like them.

Shove her in the direction of something that interests her; maybe a bowls club (maybe not) perhaps hospital visiting or voluntary work.

She sounds depressed! I think you do need to be short with her, tell it how it is re "you may not want to address whatever is making you unhappy but I don't want you splattering it all over me and my family when you come to visit. Have some respect when you're in someone else#s house. if you want to drown your shit out by smoking yourself to death and watching soaps to get away from it then fine, your choice, but I don't want to be taken down with you".

etc

She may appreciate you tackling her straight, as she has no problems tackling other people in the same way. I think you can set boundaries about her behaviour (the core hurts she needs to tackle herself). it sounds like everyone has pandered to her appalling behaviour all along so no wonder she thinks she can get away with it.