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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about this

74 replies

carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 11:09

I am a regular but I have namechanged for this in case it outs me in RL

Me and DH have been invited to a wedding tomorrow but without the DC. This is fine with me, we only had family children at our wedding and we will be able to relax a bit more.

I have a DS from a previous relationship and DH also has a DS from a previous relationship. We have DD together. We have known about this wedding for quite a while and I contacted my XP regarding having DS which was fine. I have a very good relationship with my XP however DH doesn?t with his. My BF was supposed to be looking after DD but she can?t now as she is working however my DM has said that she is happy to. This weekend is DH?s weekend with his DS (he has him every other weekend and Wednesday overnight) and I have been telling him for some time to ask his XP whether she will swap weekends. He didn?t do this until Thursday morning!! And she said that she would have her DS this weekend however wouldn?t swap weekends. Two weeks ago when it was DH?s weekend my MIL had him as we were moving house so he hasn?t really spent much time with him for a few weeks.

The upshot of this is that DH plans to go to the wedding and I will stay at home and look after DSS and DD (they are his friends more than mine). AIBU to be really pissed off about this. I have managed to sort childcare out for both DS and DD and he left it very last minute to sort out childcare for his DS.

I am already feeling quite delicate today as last night my BF told me that my XP who I was with for some time is taking her out for dinner and drinks next week.

Coupled with the fact that a former partner of DH will be at the wedding tomorrow and has been posting on facebook that she has had her hair done, spray tan, nails, new dress etc for the occasion.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 23/09/2011 12:05

I wouldn't allow this. He's taking the piss.

ConstanceNoring · 23/09/2011 12:08

I would absolutely not allow this to happen and I have been an complete pushover about these things, being left 'holding the baby' many a time when DH gets to go to occasions.

So the plan is for DSS to come for the weekend when DH isn't even there which means that you have to stay home and miss the wedding? bollocks to that

DH's XP is happy to have their DS this weekend but not swap? So DH should have him on the Sunday - at least he will see him for some of the weekend, and normal visit resumes next week - what's the problem?

And the other ex's thing? - you're married, it's history, leave it be.

Original poster
carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 12:08

wooden I am not really friends with his ex (I actually know her through my DM who used to work with her) and I didn't know that he had ever had a relationship with her (casual I think a long time ago) until about a month ago when her name cropped up in conversation. Should I have divorced him because of it?

OP posts:
toddlerama · 23/09/2011 12:11

Why can't your DH's ex have SS for the wedding and DH have him on Sunday? He wouldn't see any less of him and you'd both be at the wedding.

wooden · 23/09/2011 12:15

carryonregardless No you shouldnt divorce him, I was just pointing out that you said you were friends with your DH's ex before you met and now your friend wants to start seeing your ex and your not happy about it. I really don't see the problem tbh

Original poster
carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 12:30

I'm not sure she would let him have him on Sunday, she is very difficult.

wooden I don't really have an issue with it, I'm just feeling a bit delicate because of it. I haven't said anything to her and I don't plan to that's just how I feel

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 23/09/2011 12:37

Err, sorry but I'd be saying that I'm going to the wedding as planned, I've sorted not only childcare for my child but also for OURS, YOU are the one who has not sorted things, you get to be the one who stays behind. Oh and fancy, if you do that you'll also be able to have quality time with your son. As fair as fair can be!

He is royally taking the piss. I don't think the fact that it's technically 'his' friend who's getting married really changes it - you have already said that other folk want you BOTH there.

If you were to put your foot down and say it's your problem, I bet you he'd get childcare sorted pronto. If you don't, I can see why he acts like this - because he can!!

TheOriginalFAB · 23/09/2011 12:42

So your dh hasn't sorted out someone to care for his son so you have to do it? We ll, he is your step son.

Your best friend is going out on a date with your ex? Nothing to do with you.

Your husband's ex will be at the wedding all glammed up? Are you bothered your husband will enjoy seeing her?

Sounds all a bit silly imho.

diddl · 23/09/2011 12:42

I don´t get it.

Your mum will have your daughter, his ex will have their son, how has that become you at home with both of them?

TheOriginalFAB · 23/09/2011 12:44

Feeling jealous that hubby is having a night out when you aren't is a bit daft.

kaluki · 23/09/2011 12:45

Don't be a doormat and tell him if he can't get childcare sorted then neither of you can go. I bet he'd soon sort something out if he thought he couldn't go otherwise.
We will have a similar problem on New Years Eve. We have been invited to a posh do in a hotel. My dc always spend NYE with my parents and DP has his dc this year. My parents don't have room for all 4 dc. His parents are abroad. I want to go but don't really want to go alone so if he can't sort out somewhere for his dc we will both miss out and I will be Angry
If he left me with his dc and went to the do without me it would be curtains for us!!!

HeadfirstForHalloween · 23/09/2011 12:46

I don't get it either. You have other people willing to have all of the children that day, but it doesn't suit dh? I'd be telling him he either lets his son go to his mum, or he stays at home looking after him!

diddl · 23/09/2011 12:50

Also, can´t his ex have their son tomorrow & then your husband see him Sunday-surely a weekend can be split for once-or does distance mean all or nothing?

Original poster
carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 12:52

It's not about that it's the fact that I have bent over backwards to ensure that we had childcare sorted etc and he obviously hasn't. I don't go out very often for various reasons so maybe it would be nice to be able to put a nice dress on and some heels and enjoy myself.

My friend going out with my ex isn't anything to do with me and like I said I don't plan to say anything to her but put it this way if the tables were turned she would cut me off.

I don't mind looking after my DSS and in fact I am doing it tonight when DH goes out for a few drinks and I do on a regular basis but we were both invited to this wedding and we both planned to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 12:54

diddl no distance isn't an issue but his ex is very hard work and will never compromise.

OP posts:
kaluki · 23/09/2011 12:57

Then I think he should forego his weekend with his DS.

The world won't end if he doesn't see him for a few weeks!!!

KatieMiddleton · 23/09/2011 12:57

Your poor DSS. I think your dh needs to step up and remember his responsibilities as a father. Poor kid Sad

elesbells · 23/09/2011 12:58

there is no way he would be going without me. You have been invited to the wedding to and - as you say, you don't get to go out often and have arranged your childcare so it's his problem that he didn't arrange his. i would be furious and be telling him that you are going to the wedding and he can stay at home and look after his son....

Original poster
carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 13:00

KateMiddleton my DH is a wonderful father and bends over backwards for his DS it's just this weekend which is causing an issue. If he wasn't that bothered about having his DS there wouldn't be an issue.

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 23/09/2011 13:00

I wouldn't accept this.
As others have said - you have sorted all the childcare that you need, your partner hasn't - he doesn't get to go.
But in fact, there is an alternative for his son - he stays with his mother.
I wouldn't be staying at home while my partner went to this.

diddl · 23/09/2011 13:02

Well then your husband should surely forgo the wedding & have the weekend with his son?

KatieMiddleton · 23/09/2011 13:06

I was thinking particularly of this bit of your post: Two weeks ago when it was DH?s weekend my MIL had him as we were moving house so he hasn?t really spent much time with him for a few weeks.

Sounds like he needs a bit of time with his dad.

nickelbabe · 23/09/2011 13:06

I say Tough to your DP - if his ex is willing to have DS, then he should take her up on it.
the nyou can both go to he wedding.

If you had the DCs, then he still wouldn't see his DS the day of the wedding.

He's got to face up to consequences when he doesn't organise things in time - it's his own error and his own fault.
It's not like his DS won't get to spend a weekend with a parent, so it's not a hardship on his DS - it's your DP that will suffer.

You should not pick up the slack for him being completely useless.

Original poster
carryonregardless · 23/09/2011 13:07

I have just spoken to DH, he is being a bit arsey but has said he will ring his ex and arrange to pick DSS up tonight, take him back tomorrow morning, pick him back up on Sunday morning and take him back Sunday evening Hmm

OP posts:
Inertia · 23/09/2011 13:10

I would not be putting up with this! Your DH is taking the piss.

Why do you have to pick up the pieces and miss the wedding to look after your stepson when a) your DH should have had this organised weeks ago, and b) your stepson has a mother who is willing to look after him anyway?

Sounds as though your DH views you either as someone to whom he can delegate the bits of parenthood he doesn't fancy, or as an inconvenience that he doesn't want spoiling his fun at the party.