To ask DH to have the snip?

[mad4mainecoons]

im after your - or actually your Dh / DP's experiecnces on this front actually.

i have come to the conclusion after years of trying different hormonal contraceptives and having two children, that i will not put any more artificial hormones in my body. It does not seem to sit well with me and i feel 15 years of trying to find something that works, and suffering pretty miserably as a result is ENOUGH!

so im asking DH to have a vasectomy as condoms are darn expensive! and frankly, horrid! but after doing some basic research im wondering if im BU?

some of the side effects are pretty grim and apparrently they are more common then men are led to believe.

so of the men you know, who have had it done? was it ok for them?

i want to know if im BU to ask him to risk it?

I think its fine to ask. People become so militant about 'his body his choice' that they lose sight of the fact that women are just expected to take the hit if they fall pregnant. And they are expected to pump their bodies full of chemicals for 30 years. When you marry someone (or are part of a ltr) you make a commitment to do what's best for you both as a couple and as a family.

I think men who refuse to have a little procedure after their wives have put their bodies through hormonal contraception, pregnancy labour, are selfish and pathetic.

You can't force your husband to do anything but you can certainly ask and expect him to take your question and seriously consider it.

There was a on mn previously who risked dying if she got pregnant again and couldnt take hormonal contraceptive, people told her she would be selfish to insist. Personally I don't think she should ever have to ask but if it comes down to is she has every right to make an ultimatum.

I had the problem that my PCT refused to even put me on a waiting list to be sterilised. I am 30 years old, and have 4 dc. Apparently, my PCT deem that to be too young. . I also cannot take hormonal contraception, have tried 14 different brands of the pill, the mini-pill, the depo-provera injection, the implanon implant, a mirena coil AND a copper coil.

I have fallen pregnant 14 times, 13 of which were while I was using one or the other form of these contraceptions. My last partner was allergic to spermicide as well as latex, so even latex free condoms were out of the picture. I lost all but 4 to MC. I fell pg with DD with my first partner whilst on the pill (taken properly) AND using condoms - condom split, didn't think I'd need MAP as was on the pill. . DS1 I fell pg with whilst still covered by the depo jab. I even fell pg with the mirena coil in (DS2 came out holding it!). DS3 I fell pg with whilst still covered by my implanon implant.

I asked him to get the snip, as I definately did not want ANY more dc. He refused. I didn't pressure him, just informed him that as I was no longer willing to run the risk of falling pregnant, my only option was to remain celibate until HE took responsibility for contraception, as hormonal contraception just doesn't work for me(extenuating circumstances that my epilepsy meds affect the effectiveness of hormonal contraception). He ended up leaving me.

I don't see that I was wrong to take responsibility by saying no, and expecting HIM to be responsible - I had tried every form available to me, and was WILLING to be sterilised myself, but my PCT refused as I was under 32.

I have to say though, that I would have no respect for a guy who wouldn't give it serious consideration. Particularly having seen their partner go through pg and birth.

i gave my DH 2 choices.
i made an appoinment with my GP and he said he would refer my DH as he is older but not me as i was too young

a) he got the snip he is 31 so the NHS would cover
b) i would get sterlised, but at the age of 25 pay private at the cost of £1550 ( so would have to take out a loan)

so we made the decsion for him to have it done as it was the best for the family

My DH had a vasectomy in April of this year. He agreed that as I could no longer take the pill he would take responsibility as we did not want any more children. Like you OP, we didn't like condoms.

The operation was very straightforward, I was very surprised at how well he coped with it all (as he is a really whingy patient), very little bruising and he got the all clear at his first sample.

It is truly the best thing we have done. I was unaware of how much my libido was affected by the pill and we have a much more fulfilling sex life.

It is a decision that both of you have to make and your GP will be happy to help you make an informed choice.

huntycat at your DS holding your coil. What an image! Unbelievable that your PCT couldn't be flexible in their criteria given all you had been through. You were left with no other choice than celibacy or the snip.

I also am on epilepsy meds and its so restrictive. We are now on our 3rd pregnancy which although planned and wanted, is actually 3 months before we were actually about to TTC. My first and second pregnancies were also a bit earlier than we had planned. Okay, they were unplanned but all part of 'The Big Plan' IYKWIM. I don't want any more children after this one right now but would like to leave us both fertile for another 4 years 'just in case'. I don't want to shut that door yet but the thought of getting pregnant again soon terrifies me! My DD is 3, my DS is 20 months and I'm 7 weeks pregnant.

I too will be going down the celibacy route (DH doesn't know this yet!). I'm going to try and come off my meds after this pregnancy so I can use contraception again. I haven't had a seizure for over 2 years...fingers crossed. It's a nightmare contraception can't work with certain drugs.

I will still have another 21 months to go before my PCT will even put me on the waiting list. So another 21 months before I can try and move forward with my life. I do not have the money for private sterilisation (much the same as I don't have the money to afford yet another dc!).

hahahaha i am pg so no contraception needed.

grrrrrr dont get me started on the inequality of male and female sterilisation.

Well, I went along to my GP to ask to be sterilised and she said it's very, very hard to get approval for female sterilisation. She told me of a woman in our village who had massive pg problems and even she didn't get approval for a sterilisation. Maybe it varies by area?

So, we are now back to using condoms and waiting for DH to make the appointment for the snip.

Like the OP, I don't want to take hormonal contraceptives any more and I don't fancy the copper coil due to it potentially making my periods erratic and heavy (they are no bother at the moment).

We know for sure that neither of us want any more children.

i was 29 when i asked to be sterilised and my doctor basically laughed in my face. i was to young bla bla bla. i have 3 kids epilepsy and a child with special needs and have a terrible time with hormonal contraception. i know i dont want any more kids. i was informed that i would have to go before a board to get approved and they would say no.
my dp is a yr older than me also has 3 kids walks in to docs. 5 mins later has a referral to see a specialist and with in 5 months is having the op. that was long enough however for us to have a unplanned pg. i personally see no difference between him wanting it and i but i have to get approval for it and he just has to get the doc's nod. i should have access to the same medical care as my partner regardless of sex.
(slightly off topic rant sorry)

spooks You do have the right to the same medical care as your partner. This involves weighing up all the pros and cons. The snip is an inpatient minor op with few (if any) side effects. Female sterilisation involves a GA, way more risks etc etc.

I imagine cost comes into is as well.

female sterilisation is a keyhole procedure which takes 15mins which can be done with a epidural as well as GA and you go home the same day, it would be considered a minor op.
the side effects of the procedure are no different in the sense of possible infection etc but of course all surgery has risks that must be assessed, it is all a bit more weighty because it is inside the body rather than outside, but that is the nature of the female body not something that we can control and i obviously dont have the same rights if i can not get a sterilisation and my partner can.

Nethunsreject the problem with condoms isn't just that they're not nice (though I do loathe them). The problem is that they aren't good enough, even when used carefully within a relationship, to protect you sufficiently reliably over a period of ten, fifteen, twenty years when more children would be a disaster and abortion is not an option.

Sppokshowangel - I have epilepsy, 4 dc, 2 with SN. Some of the SN are gentic. Yet still I can't even get on the waiting list for sterilisation!! Now I'm an LP - and dare not form another relationship due to the lack of contraception. If I could be sterilised, I could move on with my life.

GP recommended DH had the snip as it was an easier procedure than me being sterilised. Plus, after me having given birth to 4 kids, it was his turn to feela bit of pain.....PAY BACK grin].

Trois this is where I think you are wrong. When you have decided that two or three or four is enough, why leave your dh to get somebody else pg. ?

I have been on the say dc2 side of this and I wish my dad had not got somebody else pg.

My dh had the snip about five years ago now. He had some pain and bruising at the time, but nothing very bad (he was expecting it, which helped). It's been great, really improved our sex life just taking away that worry (I got pregnant very fast previously). On the side effect front, make sure your sources are more reliable than mumsnet, as we can only give you our own anecdotal experiences. Plus check the side effects of the alternatives - my sister went into premature menopause after her sterilisation for example.

Spookshow - I wouldn't recommend an epidural or spinal block for a female sterilization. GA all the way, even if it's only for 15 minutes (it's more like 30-45 for the surgeons I work with).

Female sterilisation carries more risk than male because you have to go into a body cavity to get to the tubes; male sterilisation is just through the skin. That's before you consider risks of GA vs LA.

I also think contraception is a couple decision not an individual one, so you as a team decide the method that's best for you and in the case of a permanent (surgical) solution, you decide who would be the best to undergo the op.

well i was very much single when i decided i wanted the op. as my exh had promised for yrs to have v and never did. the i realised i would have been buggered now any way and still will be if me and dp ever break up.
i want a permanent solution to my fertility problems (or lack there of). that was why i was quite adamant about it got a loan and went private this was very early on in my new relationship with dp, and i said to him if you want more kids i am not the girl for you, the day before the clinc phone up and cancelled because i had, had a seizure too recently and the anaesthetist was not happy to continue.
apparently they did not carry the equipment necessary to deal with it if i fitted at the clinic and i would have to have it done at a proper hospital.
those cost like £4000 rather than the £1340 at Marie stokes and was not an option.
so luckily dp said hey i'm done having kids too not to worry, but i am back to square one if we ever break up.

DH had the op just after our third was born (he had meant to do it after our second but didn't get round to it ). He said is was "slightly uncomfortable". He was a bit tender for a few days and had very interesting purple balls but it really wasn't a big deal. It did wonders for our sex life - one happy accident per family is enough!

goodasgold and spookshow It's all very unfair that vasectomy is a much less serious operation than female sterilisation and also that man can generally beget children much later in life than women can bear them, but who are you going to sue?

A man whose DW/DP dies may want to found a further family and why not? Which is why some men will hesitate; nobody knows what is round the next corner. (Others, no doubt, are just lazy, wussish, or irresponsible).

So OP is not BU to ask - but she must respect his decision. His body.

I don't want to take hormones any longer.

DH does not want to have the snip.

So we use condoms. DH not too happy about that, but I have told him it is condoms or snip as I have done my 20 years (!!!) of putting hormones into my body.

he doesn't think i am unreasonable. he is not crazy about condoms, so maybe he'll have the snip...

yeah andrewofgg thats what my doc said to me "what happens if your children die in an accident?" he didnt ask my dp that though.
you make life decisions based on how you think your life is going to go not how it may go. yes my children may all die in a horrible accident, its unlikely but possible. but i choose to live according to the stats that say if i dont get sterilised i am much more likely to get pregnant again than have all my children die.
and if they did i cant imagine the first thing on my mind would be to replace them all with brand spanking new ones.
you are right his body etc so if he says no then female sterilisation should be readily available as the alternative.

Spook I don't mean the death of the children: I mean the death of the mother.

I agree bang on with your last line, but female sterilisation is a bigger and more dangerous deal. That's life.