To Say No to DSs Attending FIL's Funeral?

[Highlander]

he's dying as I type, from dementia. Although nearly 94, it will not be a 'happy' elderly person's funeral as poor FIL has suffered tremendously in the last week. SIL and MIL have been by his bedside constantly and they are absolutely traumatised by having to watch FIL die so slowly. He is very comfortable, but doped to the eyeballs with sedatives and morphine.

We have to fly to see them and DH has been back and forward over the week. He's there now and will stay until FIL dies, hopefully in the next 48 hours.

There will be a wake, which DH doesn't think is appropriate for the DSs, more because it goes on for a few days and we'll be expected to stay in the house to receive visitors.

I don't object to the DSs going to a funeral, but MIL says it will be over an hour and she wants us there.

I'm a bit worried about the hysteria; DH says SIL is in orbit at the moment and we'll be under the same roof.

I assume you have to go to support your husband.

Is there anyone who your sons could stay with/who could stay with them if you´d rather they didn´t go?

I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral when I was 4, but did go to my grandfather's when I was 7. For my grandma's my parents thought I was too young, when my granddad died I asked to go and my parents thought that seeing as I'd thought about it and specifically asked I was old enough to go and understand what was going on.

I can see how the wake situation might be awkward, but there must be a middle ground somewhere, if you think your DC will be alright at the actual funeral. I think it's important to let children go to funerals, especially of people they care about. My DP is 27 and has never been to a funeral - his parents wouldn't allow it when he was a child, and since he's been an adult we've been lucky enough not to suffer any bereavements of people whose funerals he would attend (bar one, which we didn't learn about until two weeks after the funeral, and that is a whole different sordid tale...). As a result, he is quite worried about the whole concept and how he'd react to it, and slightly bitter that his parents never let him attend funerals even when he asked to because he cared about the person.

For me, its the hysteria that's the main issue - what options do you have for staying elsewhere? If MIL will think you're being rude, could you pretend that you have issues about sleeping in a house with a dead body? She might think you're being daft (if having the body in the house is the norm) but at least that might be better than her thinking you're rude?

Can you and the Ds's just travel up for the funeral? Maybe have a family lunch afterward and travel home.then areangevto see your MIL on a weekend soon after when things have calmed a little?

On this one I had professional advice when we lost a baby in the family and felt totally at a loss to know what to do for the best. The perceived wisdom at the time was to allow the children to go to the funeral because to keep them away would mean they would let their imagination do the work.

It was advised that it was better to let them attend, see the sadness but also see that people afterwards did get on with their lives. So while it was very sad people still carried on afterwards.

I did follow the professionals advice as I was just so unsure, and they were spot on. It was felt that in hiding grief, the child's imagination would do far worse and if the parents were hiding it from them it must be truly awful.

It would be helpful if other younger family members were attending as the children could play together even if the adults were struggling.

Ultimately it is up to the parents to decide.

I think they should go. Death is part of the circle of life and all that and in this country far too many kids are shielded from funerals/death and I am not sure why. In case they get upset? Well, it's ok to get upset, funerals are sad.

I still remember my ds's face at my grandmother's funeral when the vicar read the Lord's Prayer, and ds looked at me and hissed ' I know that prayer too!' ( he was 6 nearly 7 )

Explain in detail what will happen, hymns and prayers etc and explain that the body is worn out and isn't needed anymore as the person has gone to heaven.

I would NOT be happy about ds veiwing the body, that would've scared him. Anyway you can miss that bit out?

Will there really be hysteria at a 94 year old's funeral?

That's not to say he wasn't loved and cherished but it's all about the 'circle of life' isn't it?
I would be much more worried about the funeral of a young person and (with all due respect to springy knickers) a baby

Is this an Irish funeral by any chance?

Mine went at similar ages to their grandpa's funeral, but we didn't have to stay overnight or fly in and out.

As a teen I viewed my uncles body as I regretted not seeing my Dad's. Scared the pants off me, on that one I wouldn't let them see the body but wouldn't "protect" them from the grief at the funeral, personally though that's all.

I am a bit perplexed about all your talk of hysteria? If you really think your in laws are the type to be hysterical, then okay. But even when I have went to funerals and wakes of people who died suddenly at a relatively young age or people who have a very difficult death because of a progressive illness - there has never been hysteria.

There have been people sobbing quietly or going off to the kitchen or toilet to have a sob. But in the UK hysteria isn't a normal reaction. What I mean is unlike some cultures where wailing is expected.

And IME older people are much more likely to avoid crying in public.

I agree I wouldn't let them see the body.

I wouldnt let them see the body, and 5 (in my opinion) is a bit young, although 7 is usually old enough for a child to understand and not be too bewildered by it all and cope with a funeral.

I dont understand why there there would be hysteria over a very elderly mans passing. Surely it was expected no matter how sad.

I'm assuming this is an Irish funeral? The long wake, viewing the body and the long funeral are so much more "normal" over there so I can see why you are worried that your MIL will be offended by you keeping your DS's away. I'd take them along, but keep them away from the coffin. If it is an Irish funeral, in my experience death is taken very much more in peoples stride, in that at the wake people will be acting pretty normally, happy to chat, and it will be very much a social occasion where people can catch up and share memories and stories. There'll be tears, of course, but there'll also be happiness too, and children help enormously in this. As people keep saying, it's the circle of life, and can be quite reassuring to have death treated in such a normal way, which we just don't seem to be able to do as part of our culture.

Horrible time for you, sending hugs.

On this occasion your MiL and her wishes should take precedence over any other concern. Children are quite robust real.ly

Why are you assuming there will be "hysteria"?
Do you mean a bit of sadness and crying? It will be good for your Dss to see that, it's perfectly normal.

My DS went to his first Irish funeral when he was 6, viewed the body, stood in the family line shaking hands with all the mourners, handing around ham sandwiches at the wake. He has a healthy view of death and it bonded him to the Irish side of his family.
I love an Irish funeral they are such celebrations of life and community.

my dsb dies when i was 4, i remember the funeral day and how i didnt get to go, i wish i could have gone.

OTOH, having atttended several funerals now in the south of France with DH's family, all I can say is never, never, ever again. The hysteria, the lack of control, the complete and utter inappropriateness of some of the exclamations and the open coffin are only some of the reasons why I will never let my DCs go to a funeral like that until they are old enough (I think teens TBH) to be able to cope with the nonsense.

I think in these things, it's best to be guided by your instincts - what are you currently comfortable with them seeing and hearing? Do that and no more and you can't go far wrong, IMHO. Imagination can be counteracted by some regular, open discussions on death and bodies and so on.

Another thing is that we tend to have a level of denial about how much children know / understand about death. When I was at university I did a course on death and dying. One of the most fascinating aspects was a study of children in hospices, and the ways that the children were trying to demonstrate to their parents that they knew that their life was coming to an end, juxtaposed with their parents desperate efforts to keep all knowledge of this from them. Incredilbly sad, but so eye opening. We really do shelter children in our society, whereas other cultures are so much more open, and this does seem to be the healthier way to be.

springyknickers made good point about child's imagination being worse than the real thing. DDs were 5 and 7 when FIL died. They and their cousins stayed with a babysitter whilst everyone else went to the funeral.
Came back to find DD2 had had stomach ache and was feeling really unwell.
Found out weeks later that she thought her granddad's skeleton would be on display in an open coffin and imagining it all had been really upsetting for her.
With hindsight, we should have taken them both.
My dad died last year and my 8th old niece and 5 yr old nephew both went to the funeral. They were fine.

The hysteria is an exaggeration. Immediate after death, even an expected one, people do lose their emotions. A couple of days have passed and the mil and sil will have time to compose themselves.

The rudeness of calling grieving friends and family members "rubberneckers". Unbelievable.

OP sounds like she's never attended a funeral in her life.

My first Irish funeral and wake was my grandfather's at age 8. His death was a shock so you might have expected people to be upset but it's not like that at all. I remember lots of coming and going, lots of chat and tea. I've been to funerals as an adult and the experience is the same. Of course people were upset but IME the Irish aren't the rending your clothes type. No throwing yourself on the funeral pyre or hysteria. All very matter of fact and far better than funerals I've been to here. Assuming we are talking about Ireland of course.

'Rubberneckers' is pretty nasty btw.

48 hours for a wake, in Eire, is a long time. usually buried the next day- when my aunt died they actually had delay for 24hrs, so we could get there. Agree with many othrs, let the children decide, and be guided by them, not a right or wrong choice.

Hope your FIL's passing is as comfortable, poor man

We took our DS's to their uncles' funeral when they were 5 and 7 and they were fine, it actually helped other people having them there - if anything it encouraged people to control any hysteria, and this was a 49 year olds funeral, not one that could be considered a natural end to a long life. They actually attached themselves one each to a cousin who had lost their Dad (aged 17 and 18) and protected them from all comers afterwards - I remember clearly DS2 asking his cousin to take him to the toilet when people were saying things to her she couldn't cope with.

Their cousins found it very hard - they hadn't been allowed to go to their grandmothers funeral six years before, so had never been to a fineral before, let alone the fact it was their DF's. I think that the younger children are the more they accept things, and it is also good to know that it is normal to be sad, and good to have an opportunity to share that sadness with other people.

I think it depends how well they knew their grandfather. My younger sister (10 year gap) went to her grandfathers funeral when she was 7, but he lived very close and we saw him 3 or 4 times a week all our lives, she needed to go to the funeral to say last goodbye, we all did.
This may sound awful, but a death in this manner can almost be a relief that the persons suffering is over, and the wake/funeral may not be as hysterical and desperately sad as you think. I personally found it very difficult to cry at my grandmothers funeral as she had suffered badly for months, and while I was devastated at the loss, I was also thankful she was at rest which helped me deal with things.