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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope my SIL has a difficult baby

74 replies

bounceyball · 22/09/2011 13:35

My SIL has given my DH and me so much grief over the past years about what we should do with our dc (now 7 and 4). Apparently we should take them to outer africa to experience other cultures (When they were 2 and 4), All sleep in the living room in her flat on the sofas (when youngest dc was a baby and not sleeping through the night). There are so many other occasions like this plus a load of grief from the start about why i wasn't going straight back to work etc. We have just found out she is pregnant and i secretly hope her baby cries a lot and is generally difficult. Just after my oldest ds was born she said she wished she could have a baby too so she could have a bit of time relaxing off work. I have felt belittled by her over the years. AIBU?

OP posts:

BagofHolly · 22/09/2011 18:46

YABU but I understand. I wouldn't wish a difficult baby on her because that might mean that the baby was unwell. How about occasional piles? Sudden chin hair? A boil?

needanewname · 22/09/2011 18:57

Yanbu and anyone who says you are obviously doesn't get what you mean

notcitrus · 22/09/2011 19:09

I understand the sentiment - I have a SIL with similar aged child who she has deemed will be an only because he's so special and they have standards about childrearing, whereas it doesn't matter if I have another one...

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 23/09/2011 09:32

notcitrus Eeek!

Faffalina · 23/09/2011 09:43

Not BU!

It would be pretty irritating for you if you have tried to explain some of the "difficulties" and then she declares it easy and whisks her kids off to Africa.

Definitely invite her and her baby to sleep on your floor though.

FrenchLimeBlossom · 23/09/2011 11:33

I've got to say bouncyball I think you're being a bit harsh and unkind, wishing a 'difficult' baby on someone.

We have probably one of the easiest babies ever, he is a wonder, very contented, feeds and sleeps well and has done since about 6-8 weeks old, (he's now 11 months) after the (I understand) traditional first few weeks of refusing sleep, crying at all hours, and burping if you so much as looked at him.

We are fully aware that this can all change in a flash, that we are really really lucky with him, and that it's not a result of our excellent parenting but just good fortune. AND YET everyone seems to delight in saying "oooh, you'll get a horror next time!" or "you don't know how lucky you are." (said with a tone that implies "and you don't deserve such luck either") or some other such helpful phrase.

Why is it that even some friends and family seem to be wishing us to be struggling? It doesn't feel very friendly or loving to me and is starting to really irritate me.

Some of my friends from NCT have had what other people might describe as 'difficult' babies, and I prefer to call 'spirited' or 'assertive'. I would not wish that experience on anyone, and all I've done is hear about it not live through it. They've all been nothing but happy for me that our DS has been so easy for us, although I tend not to talk about his habits unless asked directly because I don't want to be insensitive.

So i think YABVU.

If she has children she'll learn about the night feeds, the night waking, the early starts, the astonishing amounts of poo and puke, the endless laundry, the bugs you pick up from them, and the immense heartstopping joys too - whether baby is easy or difficult. If she doesn't, then she won't - simple.

You're responsibble for your feelings, not her. No-one can belittle you if you don't let them and if you're confident in your choices. You can choose to respond to her naivety with a wry smile and a wish for the best or with a mean spirit and a hard heart- it's up to you.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 23/09/2011 12:55

French I think it's probably because you recognise that having a easy going baby is luck. It gets annoying when people think it's because they are fabulous parents and that everyone who has a tricky one is doing it wrong. Like my friend who says "well just explain it to her and then she'll stop " about toddler tantrums because her kids don't have them. It makes me not want to see her any more as it's so upsetting to have my parenting judged by someone who obviously has no experience or understanding of those issues.

I imagine though that the comments are annoying.

nethunsreject · 23/09/2011 12:58

I feel your pain, bouncey. It's crossed my mind too about my SIL.

michelleseashell · 23/09/2011 14:11

YANBU although I'm sure you don't really wish horror upon her. Just a little dash of hubris, am I right?

I have a smug friend who is a perfect mum. I've given up talking to her. Every time I mention the slightest trouble with my baby, she screws up her nose and says something along the lines of, 'Oh but have you tried doing it RIGHT?' She's due another any day now and I'm praying that at least one bloody thing goes wrong for her so she understands that she is just lucky!

FrenchLimeBlossom · 23/09/2011 15:33

I suppose so Whose - although I do think there are some things you can do with most babies to make life a bit easier, for you if not for them, ultimately if baby won't cooperate or isn't a text-book baby you're stuffed!!

For example DS would not nap during the day - I tried everything in the Baby Whisper canon but to no effect, he'd only sleep in his pram. So i walked a lot! Now he'll happily go down in his cot but that wasn't because of anything we did, i guess he just decided he was ready.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 23/09/2011 16:36

French I tried very hard to get mine to sleep well and go down easily at night, it worked but there was nothing I could do which would change the temperament of my oldest. She is lovely but very, very emotional, contrary and argumentative. No book in the land seems to be to tell me how to deal with that! There are some things which you can help them learn but others which are just the way they are I think.

FrenchLimeBlossom · 23/09/2011 16:45

You're so right whose, my view is you get what you get, they are all little people with their own ideas and personalities and as you say, you can't change those and almost certainly wouldn't want to either!

So if your eldest is emotional and contrary that means on the positive side she'll be emotionally intelligent and able to think for herself and defend herself and others, and being argumentative means she'll get more opportunity to develop her vocabulary - you never know she could make a career out of it and become a barrister (or an MP, or both!).

Becaroooo · 23/09/2011 16:52

YABU...and mean.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 23/09/2011 16:57

That's what I always console myself with think French! She is assertive most definately and I can't imagine her taking any shit! She argues in a way that amazes me sometimes, her arguments are actually usually very good so I have to resort to "because I said so!" Never thought I'd say that one! It just frustrates her though.

Trippler · 23/09/2011 17:03

I wouldn't wish the early months to be any more challenging than they already are, but there is a bit of Schadenfreude when people who've been iffy with your parenting decisions give birth to a baby who doesn't just do what you tell it.

("Why can't you just leave them to run wild with the other kids at our party? All the other children have parents who just let them get on with it." Well because dd is tiny and ds is liable to run off etc etc.)

Some people really do think you feed in the program and a predictable result occurs. The worst are the ones who have been so unbelievably mega mega lucky to have that happen first time round, and think it's their excellent parenting. I feel there's a sort of balance when they get a terrorist

MorelliOrRanger · 23/09/2011 17:25

YABU - although I can see why you feel like that.

She'll find out soon enough that it's not all coffee and roses :)

PrincessTamTam · 23/09/2011 17:39

WhereYouLeftIt is right - personally I enjoy a bit of schadenfreude, just do it quietly... and you are certainly not being 'exceedingly mean'.

ImperialBlether · 23/09/2011 17:52

I think you're unreasonable to hope the baby's difficult as that would affect the baby's well being.

However, you wouldn't be unreasonable to wish they'd run out of anaesthetic when they were stitching her up.

1gglePiggle · 23/09/2011 18:05

Knowing this type of person they will probably end up with an easy going baby who sleeps through the night by 2 weeks old (or that's what they will tell you!)

KatieMiddleton · 23/09/2011 18:16

YAB a bit U. Weren't we all a bit ignorant like that until we actually had a baby.

Mine was going to fit in with my lifestyle I remember

plupervert · 23/09/2011 19:53

"Oh, but have you tried doing it RIGHT?"

That one should be ashamed of herself.

dreamingbohemian · 23/09/2011 20:38

I do sympathise, I had a friend who was a complete dick to me whilst I was pregnant and in the early months after DS was born.... now his partner is pregnant, and I find myself having occasional thoughts like 'oh I hope he doesn't sleep for six months and finally understand why I stopped going to his parties'.

But it's wrong, I don't want this woman and her baby to suffer just so this guy will. So YABU. But I understand

giveitago · 23/09/2011 20:44

Where is outer africa for example? I'm sure 'inner' africa is also fine for tiny ones.

But I wouldn't wish a difficult baby on anyone.

She's a prat but so are many people towards parents until they have one of their own.

HumphreyCobbler · 23/09/2011 20:47

I sympathise too. Stray comments people made about my parenting of DS still rankle to this day. I think it was because, deep down, I was terribly insecure about my parenting. Now I have two DC, the second being terribly easy, I have more armour against such comments so don't notice them so much.

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